Apologies

I’ve never had an easy time with apologizing.

When my husband and I parted ways it was a big ugly fight with a lot of anger on both sides. We tried to communicate by email so we could sort out things like belongings and even that was difficult.

At first I couldn’t see past my own anger to acknowledge my contribution to the situation. I had so much blame in my heart and didn’t want to hear anything about my issues.

And then he took the step I couldn’t. Admitting and apologizing.

I recognize that I took advantage of you. I recognize I was jealous. I took advantage. I admit I was being a bum.  And you loved me anyway.
I whined and complained. And you loved me anyway.  I recognize this. I admit this.
I was lazy, I didn’t listen, I was dismissive, I was ignorant, bombastic, egotistical, megalomaniac. Higher than thou attitude that looking back I can’t believe you lasted this long. You just accepted all this plus more and still provided a very comfortable life.
I am right now embarrassed at how I was at times. And mostly shitty to you. The one I claim to love. How could I? How did I? And yet you love me still!?  I understand why I’m not welcome back. I fully understand Shaunda.  What kind of man am I!?
I recognize all of it.
I deserve nothing more than I got.
So hard to look deep inside. I wanted all of this to be said looking in your eyes. So you see my sincerity with my hand to my heart, on my knees that I will never take anything away from you again. That I’m sorry.

I’ve never read anything so open and sincere. His honesty allowed my soul to open up and see how I had hurt him. How we had really both hurt each other.

It feels like daily I have a new self discovery. I’ve been making my apologies as I realize the different things I’ve done to cause pain. It’s not easy to admit my faults genuinely and ask forgiveness. However I am learning the more I openly take responsibility for my actions, I grow and heal and work through the pain of us being apart.

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