Lessons I Am Learning

When my husband wrote to me with his apology my heart opened. I’ve been able to heal, do some real soul searching and begin to admit some deep issues in my life.

For example, when it comes to him taking advantage? I think I allowed a lot of it because, even though I resented it, I had this need for him to be dependent. It comes from my own abandonment issues I was already aware of. Because he needed me I felt like he couldn’t leave. So when he would, or it felt like he would, or he took off his ring? I would break down. How could I not even be able to keep someone who NEEDS me? And I really began to feel like I was just not enough. And I could only seem to scream that instead of communicate it.

I had no idea how much I was letting resentment about that build. I accepted/allowed this situation and then blamed him. How unfair. We both allowed complacency to slip into every part of our life. And rather than be honest about my feelings, or even acknowledging them to myself, I hid them in my drinking. And then hid the drinking out of shame. So much deception over my inability to even be honest with myself.

I’m also learning there is something going on inside me that I have yet to figure out. Whatever this deep issue is,  it is making me hurt myself and other people. Not just my husband. I was drowning in pain using drugs when I ruined my previous relationship. I used my friends so much for my own bad habits. I’ve hurt my family by some of my life choices. I’ve lost friends.I’m finally seeing the rampage of hurt I have left behind me in my journey.

And it’s not just about booze. Some it was drugs, others it was sexual, money. But all abuse of things to my own detriment. And I wish I could tell you WHY. But I just don’t know. I don’t know the source of the pain. I have to figure that out for myself and get healing.

I can’t move forward with a partner unless I’m not going to hurt them. Or myself. Not anymore. I spend a lot of time just sitting and reflecting on this and still only am scratching the tip of the iceberg on realizing the depth of my issues and how far back this goes. I need to find the source so I can fix it. But I am searching deeply.

 

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