My closest friends hear a lot of negative I have about my childhood and they get the impression I come from a difficult home. Every family, every childhood, comes with issues. So that’s a bit of a misconception. It was religious, restricted and I have some issues about it I’m discovering. But it wasn’t bad.
I come from a family that is actually quite close. I was raised in a very loving home, surrounded by immediate and extended family who have reached out to me in many ways. I could write so many stories about how wonderful they are. So I shouldn’t be afraid to tell them about myself, right? I mean, I tell the world, why not them?
I’m only beginning to understand I’ve never been comfortable enough with who I am to share it. Part of that was how I was raised. My spirituality, sexuality and politics have never matched up with how I was raised. I knew it in my heart. I questioned the right people (pastors, parents, teachers) and the answers never matched things about my soul.
After I dropped out of Bible College I began to hide a lot about my life from my parents. There are so many partial truths they know. Some are outright lies because I was too afraid.
Now they are coming across the country to see me. It’s the second time in a year. And after years of somewhat estrangement except by written letters.
Their last visit left me an emotional wreck for over a month. It rocked me emotionally and spiritually. That was the first time they had met my husband. They loved him and wrote me a letter telling me as much. I talked about not being at church. They’re praying for me. We worked out a lot of things hanging between us.
This time? Not only do I have to tell them my marriage has broken but, because I am facing myself and practicing this new honesty thing? I also need to tell them the truth about the breakdown. I can’t sluff the blame off on him.
And that truth means a whole lot of other truth will need to be exposed. My excessive drinking. Which will get questions I don’t have answers to. Past relationships will come into question. And in all of it? I’ll be asked about why I don’t seek God. And I’ll have to really come clean about my spirituality and being pagan.
I have two weeks to try and keep figuring this out before I have to have these face to face conversations but I won’t lie, I’m so scared!