So, I finally found the courage to use the word alcoholic in my vocabulary. Where do I go from here?
I’ve kicked other habits that some people would think are much worse. Smoking crack? My dealer was murdered so I got cut off before I was too far into the scene. Meth? I destroyed one relationship with that and then walked away from the city I lived in and had no means to get it. I can confidently and honestly say, with pride, it has been years since I touched either. I’ve been offered and turned it down because I knew they aren’t my path. I quit both cold turkey and never looked back.
So what is it about alcohol that I am struggling with?
Well, it’s socially acceptable. You can offer someone wine, not meth. People who also struggle with alcohol will enable you. It’s at family events, parties. Even people who love you will see your problem and still offer you a drink. That doesn’t happen with hard drugs. They get hoarded.
And it’s my last recourse. I’ve abused everything in my life. Sex, money, drugs. I’ve managed to get control on those things. Alcohol is my last crutch. Maybe I am clinging to it because after I let go of it I really will be facing everything. Even in facing alcohol I soothe it with alcohol. What will I do when I let go of it?