Rape

I’ve been raped twice. I never reported it to any authority.

The first time I was living in a house with multiple roommates. I flirted with one of their friends who acted like he wasn’t interested. After I went to bed I woke up to him having sex with me. I thought it was a dream and had to ask my roomie the next day if it actually happened. His buddy confirmed he had done that. His own friends taught him that isn’t acceptable and I left the law out of it.

But I moved out of the house immediately. I didn’t have much of a place to go so I moved in with someone I had just begun seeing. And it ended up being a relationship I would describe as dormant. We were both lazy, overweight and not interested in anything but indulgence in food. Our sex life was minimal.

And then one night, two years in, he wanted things I wasn’t prepared to give. And as I cried and asked him to stop he took what he wanted violently. Then he went to watch TV. I cried and put on some clothes, left the house and never returned.

For a long time I pretended I was just so forgiving that I didn’t need to deal with it. But I haven’t. And I don’t think it is the source of why I am drinking. But it could be causing other problems that make me want to drink.

For example, my husband could never get close to me in my sleep. Something he craved. And he would tell me over and over he understood but then threw it at me when we fought.

Also, for a long time afterward and before I abused alcohol, I abused my body sexually. That screams out loud that I haven’t dealt with something. But I have been sexually aware for a long time. And I was raised in an environment where I grew up feeling like a deviant. So maybe I excused my post-rape sexual behaviour as ‘sexual freedom’. When in fact it was covering something.

I am willing to accept this part of my past is probably affecting me more than I thought. I’m not sure what to do about it but part of my healing is facing it all.

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