Why Did We Fight?

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There were many things I am learning and discovering that led to the breakdown of my marriage. The more I explore that and recognize my own side of it I am being reminded of why we fought so long for us.

When we were platonic friends we really respected each others space. We’re both a little introverted and like our alone time so our friendship was maintained by checking in with each other online. It was genuine nonetheless.

When we did see each other we spent anywhere from minutes to hours at his kitchen table or in his gaming room, drinking coffee, engrossed in conversation about everything from politics to homesteading and survival-ism. We love how each others minds work. And we make each other laugh out loud so hard we have tears streaming down our cheeks on a regular basis. I enjoy his company more than anyone in the world.

Sometimes I’d make him dinner out of food in his fridge. Looking back that was because I was spending my money on drugs and needed food. He didn’t know that about me then.

Everything we went though over the three years of our journey taught me a few other important things as well.

We respected each other. I think that is one of the things we lost sight of. We both ended up disrespecting each other. Me with my issues and him with his reactions. But in our communications lately I’ve been reminded we had an important quality a lot couples never have. Respect.

We made a great team! We did a lot of hard physical work living in the forest. There were days we were angry with each other, not speaking, but we had to pull it together enough to work in our anger and get things done. And we did! When we had some legal problems and no money for a lawyer? He studied night and day to give me the right words to defend myself successfully.  Twice we packed or sold everything we owned and moved provinces away to start over. Just the two of us!

I always felt like there was nothing I could not do as long as he my back. Apparently I was living in denial because there was lots I wasn’t sharing or letting him help me with. That is my issue to work on. Though it’s probably why I reach out to him for communication as I am learning. He stimulates the growth. He was my partner.

Passion! The evening we decided to take the step from years of platonic friendship to having an intimate relationship I was anxious. But that was unnecessary. I knew from the moment he kissed me it was going to be remarkable and he still managed to blow my mind. Unlike a lot of couples, where the sex gets monotonous over time, ours only got more passionate. Celibacy makes reconciliation very attractive many nights!

Trust and forgiveness! We don’t go through each others emails, social media or electronic devices even though we’ve freely shared our passwords. He did once, to try and help me, and I forgave him. We never strayed from our marriage bed. I crossed a boundary once and he forgave me.

Hiding my drinking broke the trust. It’s the most major contribution to the breakdown of my marriage and why we broke up.

Companionship, respect, partnership, passion, trust and forgiveness! We had all of those. As we watched them slipping away we fought hard to try and save it. But the damage was done, kept getting repeated and our own individual pain was so much that we couldn’t fix us.

Looking back is sad sometimes. It’s necessary for healing and growth to happen. But you get reminded about what you lost. When you start to be honest with yourself about why? It can be very heartbreaking.

Because I was honest with him about my alcohol issues and apologized for breaking his trust?

Some of my problems came from fighting so very hard to love you. I got very discouraged by being unable to reach you.
Granted my attempts were probably not what you needed. But a year ago you didn’t know what you know now. I did. I saw your pain.  I saw your issues.  I saw you hide and drown them out.
I was hurt terribly by what I saw. That you had such pain and I was unable to help you because you didn’t share with me. I felt like you didn’t trust me or care enough about me to allow me in.
If I could change one thing about me is that I wish I could have reached ‘you’ much much sooner.
I want for you to see the real me. Not the me who is depressed and angry because I couldn’t figure out how to reach my wife!!
I’m so happy that you have reached this milestone in your recovery!

Knowing he is happy for my journey, even though it means being apart, means at least we didn’t lose friendship!

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