Meltdowns

I had a meltdown yesterday. Meltdowns happen when the perfect mix of outside influences come together at a time when I can’t handle them because I have too much inside stuff going on.

Inside stuff can include mental health issues. Yesterday it was anxiety. Inside stuff includes physical health issues. Yesterday it didn’t matter what I tried to eat I couldn’t keep anything in.

I had made loose plans to see a friend and completely left them hanging without even an explanation. I felt guilty about that even though I shouldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to leave my space or have someone in it. Not for company, anyway. I did water my garden and stop to talk to neighbours on the way.

Even that bit of social interaction had me anxious yesterday. Likely because I couldn’t eat. So I came home to be alone. My mind is very much on my parents upcoming visit. It has me in knots.

Then I got a message from someone who I don’t care for. It was very bad timing. It was on Facebook so I just told her I had no desire to talk to her and I blocked her. So she emailed me.

When I get an email my phone makes a sound and I have a compulsion to look. Yes, a compulsion. Yes, I know that is a problem in and of itself.

I didn’t even read the email. I told her I blocked her for a reason and asked her to stop emailing. It started with please. But because she wouldn’t stop? It ended with me sobbing on my couch, begging her to stop. Responding to her with all kinds of foul language. “Stop fucking messaging me you stupid bitch.”

So then I felt even worse about myself. I can’t even keep it together in an email conversation. I was too emotional to figure out how to block incoming emails to make it stop. And I resorted to being the lesser person with my reactions.

I lost it. Worse. And while I was in crisis I messaged my ex. He can come here when I need him so he came in the back, unseen.

He came with offerings of whiskey and potato chips. Even though I told him I would cook? He didn’t bat an eyelash that I couldn’t bring myself to do that. He snacked and I fed him a sandwich before he left. He rubbed my feet and back. He set up the email rule so I never hear from her again. He brought marijuana so I could get a fake appetite and keep food down. He let me talk about my parents coming, the fight with the girl online and every other thing rumbling around in my brain. All while I sobbed like a wreck of a human.

Meltdowns don’t happen every day. It’s culmination of events and usually timed with my period. So at least a part of it is hormones. But they make me feel out of control in my head. I’m not rational. I’m mean. I lose my sense of self care in those moments. My body rejects food even more which makes me spiral down.

I’m grateful that I have someone who, regardless of our circumstances,  will set aside their own needs for mine. Who will drop everything at a moments notice to come and help me through a crisis by taking care of me when I can’t do it myself. Who knows what I need and can give it without directions because they can read me.

Yep, yesterday was a meltdown day. But I got through it, with help. And today is feeling a lot better already!

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