I was talking with a very good friend about their mom.
They had posted a beautiful picture of their mom on Facebook with a simple ‘my mother’ . I commented how beautiful she was and how I remembered her mom as being kind, generous and welcoming. And that she must have had a great mom because my friend became such a great mom!
I don’t have a ‘great mom’. She was a good actress. She definitely missed her calling to go to Hollywood. Haha I don’t hate her. But I do (and my siblings also) have a hard time finding a Mother’s Day card for her every year because what they say in those cards is NOT her. I’ve learned from her how NOT to parent. So in that way I suppose she taught me something of benefit. Again tho – what NOT to do. I will always struggle with showing her love and respect. This is between u and me. Not many know. She is who she is because of her shitty life experiences, and because I understand that, I try not to be too bitchy about her behaviour. Set boundaries, and reestablish them over and over and when I get too angry, I cut her off. One time it was almost a year. My mental health improved drastically!!! She can be a horrible poisonous bitch. She can also act normal sometimes. You never know what it’s gonna be. And chances are its the worst of the two. Anyway, that’s why I didn’t write something lovely about her – because that would be a lie and hypocritical of me.
I was so grateful for her honesty!
Because this week I saw my mom. And I’ve had a lot of the same feelings about my own mother in my past.
But something happened May 6. I was honest. And my mama responded with more openness and honesty I ever thought she was capable of. Maybe because I was incapable until now.
I realize, for so long, I’ve not let her know me out my own fear of abandonment.
I thought if I rejected the faith I grew up in I would be abandoned. And the thought of losing my mom scared me so bad I pushed her away and didn’t even let her know me.
May 6. We went for a walk in the forest. We sat on a bench where I cried and we talked and I learned my mama is someone I can tell my ultimate truth to. I haven’t shared it all. And it doesn’t mean I’m not still a bit terrified. But not the anxiety kind of scared.
My mom handled my truth by meeting it with her own honesty.
My only example to offer? I told her about my indiscretion after my marriage. No judgement at all. Instead she shared about her own experiences of turning to the comfort of men. She shared her own past that compared to mine. And I didn’t feel excused. But I felt normal. Like ‘people go through this and you are okay’. No excuses but acceptance.
There are other things she shared and I learned and they will come out in time.
But for the first time in my adult life and when I need it most? I have my mom.