Feeling Depressed

Yep, I’ve slipped down that slope into depression. It’s not an intense sadness or anything. My depression presents itself in lack of motivation, lack of self care and serious introvert tendencies.

It’s only been a few days to a week but I am in my home sitting on my couch, marathon watching shows on Netflix and slowly tanking emotionally. I did go out for a bit on one of the days but even offers of drinks couldn’t keep me from coming home to be alone. I feel like my mental health is preventing my spiritual healing right now.

I’m not dancing at all and I know it would help.

I am neglecting my housecleaning so I know that is affecting me. An untidy space throws my mind into chaos and I know that. Still won’t get me off my couch. I actually looked at my filthy bathroom and cried the other day. But I still haven’t cleaned it.

I have my “Do Not Disturb” sign permanently hung outside my door meaning my only social contact is my estranged husband coming by to help me with my eating and health stuff. I’m ignoring my online friends for no reason other than I have no emotional energy for anything.

Things I am holding on to for hope I will get out of this soon?

Recognizing what is happening is a huge step. It’s not really preventing the depression, at the moment, but it’s giving me hope that I’ll pull out of it before it goes too far.

At least I’m drinking coffee or water alone on my couch. I’m not sitting here day drinking all day. When he comes by my husband will bring drinks for us, sometimes, but I’m not sitting here getting plastered in my depression. That’s a big deal.

I’m eating. Sometimes that is the first thing to go for me but, because I am being cared for, I am eating on the regular.

I leave my place long enough to care for my garden. I want it to remain growing so when I know I won’t run into people? I walk up and water. At least once a day I step foot into sunshine before coming back to my aloneness.

I’m making an attempt to write today. It’s hard. I feel lost about what to write about. I have so many things going on in my head, racing around causing confusion. Stuff about me, about my relationship, about my health. I don’t know where to begin right now. But I guess this is a start.

And with that? Back to watching Glee!


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