My Playlist

My husband came to take care of me last night. He’s been so great about that. Now that he is working? He gives me money to go buy food, I cook it and we eat together. Mostly so I have food and have someone to help me eat. Sometimes he stays over and I make him breakfast. We both benefit.

But I have a YouTube playlist that drives him a bit nuts. And I play it on repeat constantly. That is how I listen to music. I’ll repeat songs to death until I am sick of them. It takes a while because I only choose songs that make me feel something important.

In the middle of the night last night? He woke up, angry, and tried to leave. I had put my playlist on repeat before bed and it was in his head.

Because of my abandonment issues I cried and convinced him to stay. This morning he woke up, drank the coffee I made and left. In complete silence other than my asking what I did wrong.

And then sent me this email.

Why did you make me stay?  I just wanted to rest. You don’t care that I was irritated a month ago with those same ten songs. You insist on playing them over and over.
I just wanted to get some sleep.

This morning. No breakfast? What did I give all my grocery money for??

Whatever. Do what you want. I’ll do what I want.

I told him if he had even said ‘good morning’ I would have offered breakfast. Reminded him I turned the music off as soon as he told me it was bugging him and that he had said it was okay to play it in the first place.

The music made me dislike you.
That’s crazy. So annoyed beyond fucking annoyed. Can’t get those songs out of my head it’s driving me mad.
Makes me think you are insane. No one listens to the same songs like that!? Do they!?
I’m so fucking messed up from the constant repeating songs. I’m not in a good way. Feel like killing myself literally because of the fucking dumb music.
How do you even deal with that? Something that makes me feel so much comfort makes him want to kill himself. And he’ll leave me in the middle of the night, in the rain, to sleep in a tent rather than listen to my music in the way I listen to it.
My playlist is 35 songs at the moment. Not 10. Each song has a memory or a story that goes with it. Those songs bring me comfort, even if they are ‘fucking dumb’.
 His last email said he needs a break. It’s been several days in a row of seeing each other and trying to work on this. Maybe a couple of days break are in order. I’ll see if I can make a separate, longer playlist that are things I know he’ll enjoy.

2 thoughts on “My Playlist

  1. I have the same problem with music as you do. I have songs that remind me of certain times or events in my life which brings back those memories, but I will play over and over till I get sick of them. I can’t help myself. I know that when I start singing the song in my head and it won’t go away, it’s time to erase that one from my playlist. I can sympathize with your husband though, as I once went out with a gal who listened to music that I really did not care for and it drove me crazy, especially when she turned it up. “Candle in the wind” by Elton John was the worst. I liked the song when she first started playing it, but by the the time it played for the hundredth time, I cringed when it came on and found a excuse to leave. Maybe she was using that as a way to get me to leave. Lol 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment! I DO understand his perspective on a level that I don’t care for Tool or Rage Against The Machine as much as he doesn’t care for Andy Grammar. Or Mika.

      It’s the way it gets communicated. If I ask to put it on repeat for bed? Say NO if it’s making you crazy. Offer to put on other music. All of that is acceptable. But jumping up in the middle of the night to leave me? After telling me it was okay? I can’t deal with that mentally.


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