The Big Mistake

Let’s be honest.

Our marriage was a mess long before we got to this park. I was lying and hiding my drinking. He’d already tried to leave me several times but with no income he had to come back. That might be why I didn’t really encourage him to get a job even when we weren’t getting by. He couldn’t leave me without means.

I chalked it up to needing him at home because of my health stuff. Which is truth! However I also would not have been as stressed or in need of constant care if we were making ends meet financially.

It was a Catch 22.

I thought getting away from the high bills and stressful living place would help. I suggested we leave. He gladly agreed because he loved me and wanted us to have a fresh start as well.

Our trip from Alberta to where I live now had many hardships we got through together. But it also drained us completely. Physically and mentally.

We arrived here in the throws of the ruin of our relationship. We both already saw the end even though we were trying to hang on. We loved each other desperately.

Back then? We loved each other way more than the hate that was growing.

But the hate was planted from seeds of bitterness and resentment. Watered with fear and dependence. Grown in a fertilizer of deception and anger. Sunshined with neglect.

Our marriage was overgrown by those things long before the big mistake.

Shortly after we arrived at this park we met someone who was a bit enthralled with me. He is older than me. Not like grandparent but older than parent. So at first I took his kindness to be in that capacity.

I heard rumors around the park. I hate rumors and try not to participate but you are often subjected to listening when you are in the company of many people. When he began to put a few moves on me? I could tell what he was after and I shut it down often. Even joked about it with my husband.

At first.

Then in July 2015, while still ‘not so happily’ married the first thing happened.

Everyone knows I like my picture taken. Everyone knows I like to drink. My husband knows I have poor judgement when I drink. My husband knows how those pictures turn when I am feeling no inhibition.

After drinking at a neighbour’s place I was invited back to enthralled man’s place to take some pictures. I looked “very photogenic that evening”, apparently.

I asked my husband to come with me. He knew I was drinking and I told him I was going to take pictures. I asked him to come so we could have some together. He told me told me no but I could go ahead on my own.

When he walked up to find me much later? He discovered me with my shirt up and the guy taking pictures of my bra. I was still in lying phase then so I tried to make excuses but it was obvious. I apologized. I promised not to be alone in that person’s place again. I was told I was forgiven and I honored that promise.

I was still in social situations where he was there. My ex and I went over, together, to visit with him. Even though I was still friends with him I never put myself in a compromising situation with him or anyone else after that. I refused any kind of advances. I knew I had done something inappropriate and I wanted to honor my husband by changing.

Move forward ten months later and nothing had changed about the other problems in our relationship. I was still lying and hiding drinking. He still had some serious anger issues and wasn’t working. Neither of us could communicate. We had vicious fights every three to four weeks. And we broke up over THOSE things!

I’ve said before it was a messy break up. It was. Explosive and public. And after it was all done we spent a week not talking. We had so much anger. We eventually emailed because we had to take care of getting him some of the things he left behind. In those emails there was hatred. Zero hope for reconciliation. He said the most awful things to me. He also said them publicly. I was single.

I turned to that other man for comfort and affection. I won’t go into detail but it crossed boundaries for a married person, not a single one. Had he been crushing on me and maybe took advantage of an emotional girl? Did he freely provide anything I needed including all the wine I could possibly swallow? Yes!

Did I knowingly accept every drink? Yep, duh! Did I need comfort because I was suddenly all alone, scared and being told by my ex he was going to be dead every second day? You bet.

When we started talking more openly and I was finally being honest? I told my ex that I had turned to that person. I told him I crossed boundaries. I didn’t give details though. Why? We were trying to work on things and I wanted to move past it.

I cut ties with the other person. Which seemed to satisfy my ex until he found a picture on the computer. Of that indiscretion. The big huge, stupid mistake. I told him immediately what it was. He told me in the moment he respected my honesty.

I know I shouldn’t have turned to that person in my grief. It was like a knife in his chest. I regret it. It’s now the focal point of my marriage break up even though it happened AFTER. I regret not just taking the time to myself.

But I needed a friend. I don’t have a lot of friends here. So I turned to someone I knew would listen and get me drunk. I knew he would get sexually forward and I went into it anyway.

I feel awful and I have been apologizing for it ever since. Without forgiveness.

He keeps saying I was in love with that guy and have been fucking him since the day we moved in.He offers so many moments of kindness and patience where he says he forgives but then they all dissipate in fits of rage and anger. He casts out even wilder accusations than I am guilty of. And it comes with the most horrible name calling.

Today was the last straw. He wanted me to make a complaint to the owner about that other person. Sexual misconduct. Well, he’d like to call it assault because I was drunk. And while I look back on it and feel maybe taken advantage of in a vulnerable state? Nothing about the situation could constitute an assault. The fact there are pictures prove that clothes were ON and parties were participating willingly. How is that assault?

Knowing all that he still wants me to make some kind of formal complaint and call the police. It’s the ‘closure’ he needs to forgive me and I don’t love him if I don’t do this. Even when it goes against my better conscience and I already spoke to the owner about my other very legitimate concerns.

Under duress I typed a written copy of the complaint I already made. Then I struggled and cried about trying to word the other one. I explained, frankly, why I was having trouble while he sat there and shot me down. Slut shamed me and made me feel like nothing. Telling me I never loved him and he should have left me a year ago.

He eventually took the computer and left. He told me he would never contact me again and without a computer he couldn’t. I was freaked out, upset and relieved at the same time.

But then he showed up a couple hours later. He’d printed them, even the unfinished one, and refused to leave my place until I would sign them and give them to him for him to hand deliver to the owner. I refused and walked away. He went up to the owner with them unsigned.

It didn’t have the effect he wanted. That’s all I’ll say about that.

What I learned today? I will not go against my conscience to please someone who will treat me so viciously. Who will make me feel so bad as I beg for forgiveness.

I learned from the owner I am respected here for handling things discreet and diplomatic instead of going off half-cocked in anger.

Today, I forgive myself for my big bad mistake. I know I showed bad judgment. But it was not the break up of my marriage. I will not beg any more for forgiveness from someone who lacks it to give.

This mistake is going in the vault and I am moving forward!

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “The Big Mistake

  1. “Putting it in the vault”, I like that.
    I know it’s easier said then done, but I like the old saying, “this is the first day of the rest of your life”. Yes, move forward!
    I truly hope that the drama in your life subsides and you are able to move forward in piece and contentment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I choose to look up because sometimes the unknown of forward scares me. Looking up means I can shoot for the stars over the moon.

      Like

  2. Anyone that forces you to do something you can’t agree with only has their own best interests in mind, and has a lot of work to do with themselves before they’re ok to be truly happy with someone else. It sounds like they really want their idea of you to be the actual you, when in fact you’re a complex person that may be different than what they expect. That you’re different is ok. That he is trying to force you into his narrative is absolutely NOT.

    Like

    1. Thank you very much for your comment! Sometimes I find it hard to discern whether I am standing up for myself or being selfish. It’s nice to hear others tell you they think you are headed the right direction.

      Like

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