Losing A Sister

When I met my sister-friend we connected instantly, unusual for both of us.

In the social situation we were thrust into? We were both uncomfortable. We bonded over our own social anxiety as we hid out in my tent drinking whiskey.Turns out we came from very similar religious backgrounds as well. We even had the same school program,  A.C.E.

In several crisis moments of my life she has been there for me. Tangibly! Not that fluffy ‘I’m thinking of you’ kind of being there. Allowing me to stay in her home whenever I was in her city for as long as needed. Or helping me financially in emergencies. She’s not a letter writer but made the effort for me.

However, lately? She’s been silent. It was a month or more of silence before is asked if things were okay with us. She told me yes but she was going through her own things. I accepted that. I still tried to interact with her online by commenting on the things she was posting about what she was doing, etc.

It seemed she reacted and responded to everyone but me.

Yesterday I called her on it because it has been hurting me. That was hard to do.

It was over a month ago I asked if we were ok. I know that you are going through your own things. I see it, because I react to it online. I like your info. I react to it. I comment

Even since I mentioned this a month ago? You have not participated in my life online. Not even to like one thing I’ve posted. Not to even read one blog.

So? I’m unfriending you. I’m sorry. But I need to have people in my life who participate in it. I’ve liked and commented on your stuff. When you and your ex split? I checked in. I asked how you were, often.

You haven’t. Not once. And you have your own issues so? You won’t.

I need more than that. I think of you as my sister and I am feeling abandoned. And I can’t deal with it at the same time as losing my marriage.

I love you. And I hope your dog gets better and your snakes are healthy and that you find peace in your own situation.

But I need to let go of people I thought I could depend on emotionally but just… can’t. For their reasons or mine.

I love you. I hope things go great for you always!

Her reply was so heart breakingly honest.

I do have shit going on, and I’ve pulled away from almost everyone. I’ve tried to respond to those who reached out to me, and you’re not the first friend who’s told me to pull my pants up. So I understand.
And I’m really sorry that I went into such a dark place right when you needed me. I am only just now beginning to come out of it, I think… I hope.
Then again, I have thought so before. I guess I’ve just been unable to cope with anybody’s pain including my own, so I’ve avoided it entirely. I don’t mean to make excuses or look for sympathy, I just hope I can explain enough for you to know it was nothing you did.
And I completely get why that would feel like abandonment from where you’re standing, so I have no hard feelings towards your decision. I really am sorry for bailing.
I love you too. I wish the best for you too. And I know it’s better if people aren’t depending on me. I have been completely unreliable and selfish, and I know my actions have consequences, and you have to look out for you!
I’ll never think of you as anything other than wonderful. Take care Shaunda. May we meet again… and may we both find better health.

I let go of a few people recently. People I was giving so much emotion to that weren’t giving it back. It’s been draining me. So I let them go. This one was the most difficult.

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