Darkness. Depression. Despair. Despondence.
Call it what you want. When it goes on for days that turn into weeks, you begin to feel hopeless. Hopelessness turns to helplessness and you spiral down.
That’s where I am right now. Down. I’ve been in hiding. My attempts to venture out have been met with my own anxiety and have driven me back to hiding in my trailer. The avoidance of things, lack of motivation and general lethargy have left me in a deep sadness. Crying on my couch for days at a time. My sign out letting everyone know to stay away. Lack of eating and self care.
I wish that being able to see all of this happening to me could help me change it. I try. I leave my place for moments only to come back in tears because I can’t handle even simple hello’s from others.
It makes me feel stupid Trying to go out and do things, but failing, makes me feel even more helpless and want to hide more. So I stop forcing myself, don’t do anything, and then feel like even more of a failure for not trying.
BUT? I made it to my appointment with the mental health practitioner the other day. It was my first appointment with her. She gave me two tasks and a next appointment. I haven’t completed the tasks but they are easy enough that I can do them before I see her again.
She gave me information for resources that I know will help but I haven’t called yet. Phone calls are hard for me. Anxiety makes me feel like as soon as the other end says “hello” I am entering conflict. Even if that isn’t true. I often hang up, cry a bit and try to call again.
I haven’t made any progress since speaking with her. Just making it to that appointment felt like progress this week. Epic fail on the progress. More like regress with a ‘still can DO’ attitude that isn’t even warranted.
So that is where I am at. In a very dark place. Really trying hard to see light. I know it will come. I know it always does. But right now it is very very dark.