Comfort

I had a really terrific talk with the owner of the park about my bullying situation. I explained it from the understanding they believe I am breaking a park rule and have brought harm to their friend.

I told him I’m not breaking rules and gave my evidence to him. He’s aware of the other part of it already. Then I explained how they are using their opinions to slander me and publicly attack or shame me.

He reassured me I am wanted here. He was genuinely concerned I was uncomfortable where I live. He’s going to talk to the instigators about it and if I ever have an experience like it again I am supposed to call him immediately so he can deal with it as it is happening.  Our conversation ended with a big hug.

I felt a lot of personal comfort after our conversation. My anxiety about leaving my personal space has waned. I decided to try and bring some of that comfort about the situation to the park. I know it’s still not good to approach the people involved so I made it a spiritual endeavor.

comfort rune

I started by collecting rocks from around the park, in front of trailers of people I’d had the interactions with and from the peaceful place I was doing my ritual. I thought about peace as I collected them. Then I took things from my home that each person had given me previously and something important to me from my home. I used the stones to create the rune symbol for comfort and put the items in the centre. I lit candles around it for cleansing. And I sat there with thoughtful intention and wished for comfort where I live. I toasted it with wine and poured some out on the circle to include my neighbours.

It was a short, sweet ceremony but I feel a lot of internal comfort after. I know I can be friendly and happy without worry. I don’t need acceptance from anyone who would judge me but I do want to live peacefully and comfortably in the community I’ve chosen to call my home right now.

 

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My Manic

I’ve been diagnosed as bi-polar. Some psychiatrists say I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I try to ignore those ‘labels’. But? I definitely have severe depression and social anxiety issues.  I also have some compulsive behaviours. Not OCD, but very compulsive regardless.

I saw Tobey two days ago. She is great. I told her about my past month of experiences (I missed my last appt so it’s been four weeks instead of two).

I feel like I presented very well. However, during my entire appointment I couldn’t get it out of my head that this is just today. I’m having a good day. I feel directed and motivated.  I have ideas and I see my own issues a bit more clearly. The things I was telling her are true but I don’t feel like they are me. Even though they are true. That raised questions in my mind.

Why is it I accept my sad, dejected side but as soon as I am happy I think it isn’t real?

Could it be I am so severely depressed that my manic side presents as ‘normal’?

How can this person in front of me tell me I am doing well when I really don’t feel like I am? In all fairness, I tell her about the small steps and express a feeling of accomplishment about them. But I don’t feel accomplished at all. I was a successful business person at one point in my life. Watering my garden is an accomplishment now. Saying that makes me feel like a loser.

I feel manic the past couple days. Like the world could hand me any problem and I could handle it. I feel driven to accomplish things I know I’m not capable of doing right now. I feel compelled to do things I would usually sit on the sideline for. I feel over the top accomplished because I was reassured I was doing good for my minor moves forward.

However, to the rest of the world? All they see is I am smiling more. I wave at my neighbours and take full advantage of the silent, yet personable, interactions. I go a bit OCD about cleaning when I am feeling this way because I know it may be a long time before I feel this way again.

I try to use my manic times to accomplish things my anxiety usually prevents me from doing. I make phone calls I need to, I clean like a crazy person, I make sure the people who ‘worry’ about me get an update (ie. my parents and Leggs). I have confidence when I am manic so I engage in conversations I normally can’t handle.

I think I use my manic times to my advantage. Mental health professionals may have their own opinion on that declaration. Ha ha.  Regardless, I’m  wide awake right now (5am) and I have a ‘To Do” list in front of me that needs my attention. It’s time for coffee and cleaning!

 

My Ex’s Thoughts

Scoping out Facebook, I found this a while ago on my ex’s page.. It’s taken a while to share it but I want other people to know there is another perspective to my break-up.

So many things I need to apologize to Shaunda for. She really isn’t all that bad of a person or wife.

She does have mental health and physical health issues. But don’t we all!?

I can’t hold that against her. So many things she does for me without question. No matter how angry she is with me. She still holds up her end.

In my hurt and resentment, I’ve portrayed her as the evil one. But I am just as guilty of being evil to her. In fact, I cause so much of her distress I should be ashamed of myself.

The things she did that hurt me were not her, it was her illnesses and my reactions to it.

I triggered every single thing that caused her to treat me poorly. Even then she always loved me through it. Just as I do love her.

There must be a way to deal with each other’s issues without creating so much animosity. She is too special and was there for me through a really hard time I had. I should stick with her through this hard time of hers.

To ditch her just so I feel better is callous and weak. Selfish and dumb.

We can have a long life together if we work at it.

I just don’t want to ignore my part in all this. Those of you who know us know we have been through hell pretty much our entire relationship. It feels like we have never really settled down. We’ve been under constant scrutiny and extreme stress.

If there is a chance. I want it to be available. And not close that door.

We are still apart. Thinking about a life with anyone right now is hard. I’m content with the friends I have.

We’ll see about the future. But his thoughts, not meant to be seen by me? Are touching!

 

Bullies

How do you respond to a lie when the person you are talking to genuinely believes it is truth? And when they use their version of the truth to bully you? What do you do?

I was recently accosted verbally because the person attacking thought they saw my EX in the park. He is not allowed. They told other people he was leaving my place and they saw him.

First? I wasn’t home when they said that happened. No one was leaving my place to my knowledge

Second? Just to check and make sure he wasn’t here without my knowledge, I checked with my ex about it. He was busy making a report with the RCMP at the time about an assault on him the night before. He wasn’t here. There is RCMP video evidence of that.

The people involved genuinely believe they saw him here and they have verbally attacked me in public because they believe lies. They told me I am not welcome where I live. They have exacerbated my health issues with the stress they are causing me.  I feel like I am being bullied!

So how do I respond?

Fuck.

I am so unclear. One part of me wants to run to another place. I have researched my options and I have places I could go. But I love where I live and other places don’t compare.

The other part of me wants to work it out. But I’ve tried that before.  One of the people involved apologized to me and told me he wouldn’t talk about me or my ex again because he wanted this over. I found out he was still making up his stories and talking about me behind my back, as recent as two days ago, so I confronted him.

He never acknowledged anything he said. He only told me I attacked a person he cared about by saying she attacked and bullied me. He let me know that standing up for myself around him means nothing. He suggested I should leave.

What a wimp. He can’t tell another tenant that it is inappropriate to speak to me that way? He knows HIS lies started this all but he can’t defend my reaction? NOPE.

This only makes me want to fight to stay. I want to walk past their trailers every day with my head held high.  I know they are lying. I know I am not doing anything wrong.

Bring on the bullying. Bring on the slut-shaming. Bring on your lies that I have physical evidence to counter. Be the ignorant assholes that TRY to make me feel insignificant.

YOU WILL NEVER BEAT ME DOWN!

I love where I live. I’m gonna fight this, to stay here. I love my home and I won’t let bullies make me feel like I am not welcome!

 

 

A Change Of Mindset

It’s been a while since I’ve done Psylocybin. I couldn’t find them for about a month and a half. I finally found some but I sat around and waited.

I’ve been very depressed so I was scared of them a bit. I thought about waiting for full moon and using them in a ceremony of some kind to help with my intense sadness. Then an old friend reminded me that sometimes they can be used to bring laughter.

I usually think of that as recreational use. I stray from that to keep them for spiritual purposes. I really had to think about it before I came up with a plan.

Recreational healing. I really needed to laugh and smile. I wrote it all down, right down to the movie I chose to watch. I picked it because it had bright colors, music and it always made me smile. (Enchanted)

My spiritual intention with recreational healing? I needed laughter. I hadn’t laughed in days. I needed to ease my anxiety. I know that even recreation-ally, psylocybin brings an after affect of calm. And I just wanted to feel some life in me. I’ve been so dormant.

I figured if I could get past some of those issues I could get back on my path.

Ah, but, mushrooms take you on the journey that you need, which is not always what you want. When done with intention of healing of any kind? They’ll give you the healing you need because it comes from within you.They just make you more open to it.

There were only brief moments my mind would allow me to focus on the audio of the movie so I am glad I was familiar with it.

I highly recommend the movie so I’ll try not to spoiler it but…

There is a moment in the movie when the princess character experiences anger for the first time. I learned I am guarding so many of my true emotions like a Disney character. It’s like ignorant bliss will make them go away. Except I find my ignorant bliss in a bottle of wine.

The rest of the audio I heard was pretty dark. Mostly the evil queen saying there are no happy endings. She spread a lot of misery that I never noticed before.

I micro-dose when I so mushrooms. So I was coming down by the end of the movie. And I learned a lot of things but they came from a place of darkness.

I sobbed for a few hours after the experience. All the dark stuff I faced about myself was so difficult.

I know I have been admitting my issues and accepting responsibility in a lot of areas of my life but my mind was opened to a lot of ways I am still blaming my issues on past experiences instead of past choices.

I’ve had a slump in healing. I think I wasn’t accepting responsibility for past choices. The ones that led me to where I am now. While accepting my blame in my current circumstances I was still somehow excusing past behaviour as being, well, past. I haven’t come to terms with the fact it was all my choices that led me to where I am right now. EVERY step, not just the past four years.

I was flooded with the thought that if I want happiness I need to make it. It is within me not found in outside sources.

In the moment I faced my own responsibility it seemed daunting. It’s why I sobbed. And then I talked with a friend who gave me comfort enough I stopped crying. And I slept.

the most beautiful thing about psylocybin took hold. That calm. It’s like a peace after you’ve learned something. It’s a release that lets you move on.

I slept so well. Better than in weeks. And today I don’t feel despair. Today I went for a walk, took care of my garden, vacuumed my floors and did things I haven’t been able to do in so long. I began working on my plan for full moon. And I smiled a lot today.

Regardless how challenging the lessons, healing through psylocybin always brings a calm peace afterward. What I’ve read, and also experienced, is traces of it stay in your system for about two weeks.

I experience that openness to growth as an after affect for a while. And the ability to take action on it. And no depression.

I’m glad I chose to take some mushrooms yesterday. They sure caught me by surprise with the learning but it’s what I needed. A kick in the ass mentally!

Missing My Spirituality

The last time I did any kind of new moon or healing rituals was in May. Depression left me unmotivated. Anxiety has kept me fairly housebound for a while. And I’ve been skipping out on a large portion of my healing process. I mean, I missed June Solstice altogether because of my own lack of ambition.

July new moon has past. But I’m planning to do something for the full moon. At the moment I am unclear about what, exactly, but I know the place.

the bridge

This is the bridge to a small spot at the back of the campground. I am second from the end so it is literally seconds from my trailer. I know it is not MINE specifically. But the owner made a point of showing it to me and letting me know I can use it any time.

Unbeknownst to me, but I heard about it after, someone let other people who live here know that I have a permanent reservation for privacy at that spot on new moons and full moons for spiritual reasons.

It’s still a work in progress but I know this is where I will be doing something special under the July full moon!

My Bed

I haven’t been sleeping in my bed since the break-up. Every time I look at it I’m reminded that it was OUR bed. Also, I need noise to sleep these days and my computer is by the couch.

But I need to sleep in my bed because my back is starting to kill me. So I took action!

flirt window

I made my bedroom space my own. I girlied it up with pink on the window coverings. Someone gave me a small rug that I had no room for on my floor so I put it up over a window. I got myself an additional sleeping pillow and a friend picked up a fluffy pink throw cushion for me so I have lots of things to cuddle up to. I also picked up a fuzzy pink throw blanket so it looks pink everywhere! It’s definitely MY space now.

pink bed

Another friend had a radio/CD player they picked up at a garage sale and they gave it to me so I have music back in the bedroom area. I moved my books back there so I can read in bed!

radio

I feel like I leaped a giant hurdle because I slept in my bed for the first time last night! I had a little bit to drink before I went to bed so that made it easier. It wasn’t the best sleep but I had music throughout the night to help. And my back hurts less this morning. I’m moving back to my bed! It feels okay now.

 

Making Lists

list book

I make lists. I’ve done it since I was very young. This is my current list book. I liked the colors, etc but what I liked most? It is a high school notebook. The inside has a classroom schedule type calendar. I’m going to use that to add more structure to my daily life. The outside had a thing on it where you are supposed to write in what class it is for. I covered that in colorful peace stickers.

I’m not sure when I started becoming obsessive about making lists. I know it was while I was still in the workforce because it was one of the qualities or characteristics I gave as a plus in job interviews.

I wonder sometimes if my list making isn’t a bit over the top. Grocery list, to do list, list of people to write to, long term purchases, work that needs to be done in my trailer. And, of course, a list of all the lists I need to make or update.

When I last saw Toby I had my list book with me. Naturally she asked about it. I told her about making lists and that I was a bit obsessive about it. She didn’t seem concerned about that. We talked about my listing habits.

For example, I will make a to do list as a way to motivate myself. Not everything gets done on the list because I really am lacking in the motivation department right now. I make sure I accomplish at least one thing each day. I put a big colorful check mark beside anything that gets completed and the rest gets moved to the next to do list.

Lately, more stuff has been moved than checked off and I was discouraged. One thing Toby said is, “Making a list is in and of itself an achievement”. It means regardless of my motivation or my ability to finish the list? I keep trying.

Even when I am so discouraged I feel like I can’t cope with it? I set daily goals, no matter how small. She really encouraged me that as long as I am still making my lists I am doing alright.

She also encouraged me to remember the small things that I manage to do. Especially on days when I feel like I can’t do anything. That every step in the right direction, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction.

It’s inspired me to make a new list 🙂 I’m going back through my list books and making a list of all the things I HAVE done in the past few months. My list of accomplishments! And I will hang it up somewhere prominent to remind me every day that every step in the right direction? Is a step in the right direction!

Such a Lil’ Cat!

big kitty

It’s amazing how quickly they go from tiny kitten to little cat.

Sami waving

Little Sami has a personality all her own. She’s content to play alone with her toys but also loves to wrestle if you’ll give her your hand. She never bites or scratches too hard and she is very good when she gets her claws clipped. She loves to help me play my online game.

Sami gamin

She is too big to be in the purse now but she seems to love her collar. She even brought it over when it fell off so I could put it back on. I think when I harness train her so she can go outside with me? She’ll get into that pretty quick. She loves outdoors.

She loves her cuddles. She loves affection. Every time she wakes up from a nap she comes to get her kisses. In the middle of playing with her? Simply saying, “Sami, kisses” will have her crawling up to your face, one paw gently on each cheek, to lick your chin and lips and nose.

Kitten therapy has turned into little cat therapy! She is growing up to be such a sweet natured and playful cat. I love having her in my life.