My Manic

I’ve been diagnosed as bi-polar. Some psychiatrists say I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I try to ignore those ‘labels’. But? I definitely have severe depression and social anxiety issues.  I also have some compulsive behaviours. Not OCD, but very compulsive regardless.

I saw Tobey two days ago. She is great. I told her about my past month of experiences (I missed my last appt so it’s been four weeks instead of two).

I feel like I presented very well. However, during my entire appointment I couldn’t get it out of my head that this is just today. I’m having a good day. I feel directed and motivated.  I have ideas and I see my own issues a bit more clearly. The things I was telling her are true but I don’t feel like they are me. Even though they are true. That raised questions in my mind.

Why is it I accept my sad, dejected side but as soon as I am happy I think it isn’t real?

Could it be I am so severely depressed that my manic side presents as ‘normal’?

How can this person in front of me tell me I am doing well when I really don’t feel like I am? In all fairness, I tell her about the small steps and express a feeling of accomplishment about them. But I don’t feel accomplished at all. I was a successful business person at one point in my life. Watering my garden is an accomplishment now. Saying that makes me feel like a loser.

I feel manic the past couple days. Like the world could hand me any problem and I could handle it. I feel driven to accomplish things I know I’m not capable of doing right now. I feel compelled to do things I would usually sit on the sideline for. I feel over the top accomplished because I was reassured I was doing good for my minor moves forward.

However, to the rest of the world? All they see is I am smiling more. I wave at my neighbours and take full advantage of the silent, yet personable, interactions. I go a bit OCD about cleaning when I am feeling this way because I know it may be a long time before I feel this way again.

I try to use my manic times to accomplish things my anxiety usually prevents me from doing. I make phone calls I need to, I clean like a crazy person, I make sure the people who ‘worry’ about me get an update (ie. my parents and Leggs). I have confidence when I am manic so I engage in conversations I normally can’t handle.

I think I use my manic times to my advantage. Mental health professionals may have their own opinion on that declaration. Ha ha.  Regardless, I’m  wide awake right now (5am) and I have a ‘To Do” list in front of me that needs my attention. It’s time for coffee and cleaning!



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