Still Drinking

Yes. I’m still drinking. Still an alcoholic. Still doing more talking than trying to cut back.

So, how am I ‘trying’? Well, I’ve been trying to hang out with more sober friends but I don’t know many. The one I have is too far away or only close by on weekends/holidays. BUT? I have her.

Also, my budget doesn’t allow for booze every day. The last two weeks of the month I am not drinking unless someone else offers. That happened more often before the conflict I had with a couple people around here. However I’m okay it happens less now. I do have this one friend who I hang out with that pays for any alcohol we have together (and he drinks more than I do so… yikes, right?) but I am even trying to cut back in that situation as well.

However? I am still drinking. When my bills are paid, groceries bought and I’ve gotten a few treats for myself? The rest is still going to wine or vodka. I have other things I want to do. They aren’t needs I’m avoiding but they are awesome things I could be doing to take my mind off drinking if only I could take my money off wine.

Like what? I’ve been given two pieces of fabulous wood that I want to paint for my yard. For the cost of one bottle of vino? I could get the additional paints I need. I have most of them and the tools. So why am I not spending my money on the paint? And my time avoiding my addiction by painting it out? I’m gonna guess depression that is exacerbated by drinking answers that.  Pretty sure my therapist will agree.

Also, I am starting to garden more. Despite my neglect during depression, many things survived. So I’ve been giving it more attention, harvesting  things that went well and planting second rounds. My garden keeps me focused the past couple weeks. It is something I can focus that energy on to take away from the desire to walk to the wine store. I can winter garden any frost hardy plant, so I plant to garden year round. I need to not lose myself in alcoholic depression for weeks or months at a time to be successful. I WANT to be successful at this.

I have more and more desire to quit. The days I haven’t been drinking I feel better. I have no clue why that doesn’t stop me from picking up wine. That’s another discussion altogether. But I pick up less wine or booze lately. I even went to the park bonfire the other day and took a glass of water. The beer flows pretty freely there and I never joined in on it.

My steps are small but I still have all this on my mind and I am working on it in my own ways.


3 thoughts on “Still Drinking

  1. I think our brains are trying to kill us. I tried no less then 30 times to quit smoking over the years. Every time I attempted to quit, I would last about 3 days with a strong resolved to quit and had lots of willpower. After day three, my brain would start talking to me, trying to convict me to start again. Some of the stupid reasons it gave were such things as, why quit, the worlds fucked and on a coils ion course with destruction, so I may as well smoke till then. It’s cool to smoke, it relaxes you when you are stressed out and what else have you got that makes you feel better. That damn brain of mine played that game with me every time I quit, till the last time. A freind of mine died of lung cancer dud to smoking all his adult life. He tried to quit about as many times that I trie but he could never pull it off. So in honor of him I quit one more time and succeeded. Last weekend I was at a bbq and guess what, after about a dozen beer my brain remembered how good smokes and beer go together and I just about broke down and had one, which would have become two then three……
    Quitting drinking for you will probably be the hardest thing for you to do. Especially for the first three or four months and like all other addictions, it’s one day at a time, but after a while each day doesn’t seem as hard as the day before. When you are ready and feel really strong, give it another try. Sooner or later you will conquer this demon/friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! It means a lot to hear that people understand. I guess that’s why people join groups like AA or whatever but I’m not there yet. So having someone share a comparable addiction struggle means a lot.


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