Longest Month Ever

I’ve more busy this month than I think I have been in the last six months combined.

I moved at the end of October. My friend, who helped me with all my moving, decided to immediately move as well. And I feel obligated to help.

So we’ve been back n forth from my place to his place a million times (or so it feels) trying to finish up the set-up at my place and the clean-up at his. Not to mention he is moving into ‘camping’ so he needed to pack a bunch of stuff for storage and sort it all beforehand. I committed to help with it and he helps me a lot so…  do what you gotta do, right?

On top of that? Doctors appointments, waiting on information from Paul/court and it seems most my friends are Scorpio’s like me so an incredible amount of birthday things. Oh, and sick five to seven days a weeks for at least two or three hours with mystery wretching. And waiting to hear from my insurance people if I have an income in January.

I am so tired. So completely exhausted. Maybe it is stress that has had my stomach in so many knots. I just can’t wait for this month to be over. My friend will be moved, my place will be finished up and hopefully Paul will be home.

 

 

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Ah, The Puking

WARNING: NOT ‘MATURE’ CONTENT BUT DEFINITELY EXPLICIT AND KINDA GROSS

In the past few months my level of puking has elevated.

Five days out of the week I am waking up with violent wretching. Nothing comes up, because I barely keep down food in the first place, but this is different than my usual regurgitation.

Normally? Well, normal for me. When I eat? I have a lot of difficulty getting my food into my stomach. The opening is small. If I don’t chew enough? It won’t go in. If I am anxious in any way? It won’t go in.

That can be anxiety because I’m eating in public. Anxiety because I haven’t kept food down in two days and can’t take a normal shit. It can be because I am upset from ‘anything’ really.

Additionally? If I am too excited about anything? My esophagus closes and I can’t eat. So, if things are going well in life? No food. If I am really excited about the particular meal? It’s not goin’ in.

But regurgitating is a reaction to my stomach opening being too small. The food is too big to get in there when my anxiety or excitement makes my stomach opening clench. I recognize this. I’ve been dealing with that for several years and doctors are supposedly working on that.

The violent wretching that doesn’t even come with nausea? It has me confused. I wake up to my stomach violently contracting and I make all the motions and noises (very loudly) of puking my guts out with nothing actually happening. My throat is getting torn up and sore from it.

I’ve taken to sleeping with a puke bowl by my head, just I case something comes up, but I’ve never had to clean it out. Just violent heaving in the middle of the night.

My doctor says he is sending me to a gastroenterologist.  To get a scope for my other regurgitation. I’m hoping he’ll have some insight on this other issue as well.

Just Google Me Already

I’m kind of getting tired of the BS surrounding my life.

Petrova fined for violating Public Lands Act

My legal name is Shaunda Lee Petrova.

I have been accused of being many things. Bitch, addict, whore, skank, ha ha (https://allhoursblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/20/skank/)  And this remarkable media display is the only one I don’t cop to.

I went and lived on land that we believed was purchased from the rightful native owners. They sold it, with paperwork and signatures that included thumb prints, and land survey documents. Sold to someone (my BF who is jail over it) who would promise they would not let the Keystone Pipeline through it. No commercial activity for 10 years. A contract.

So, the government and media would like to say we didn’t have the right to purchase the land of the First Nations community who decided to sell right about the time Harper said they no longer have treaties? Seems a little well timed. On both sides.

I don’t know. I just know I moved on to First Nations land to try and protect the forest because I had paperwork that said I could.

In court? The judge called me naïve. Maybe I was. And this stuff is KINDA behind me. Because I went to court. I faced this and in court (despite what this article says) I felt like I won.

Go ahead, Google me. The other articles, various chatrooms, forums. Because today I had another person, who I consider a friend, Google me.

Yep, domestic terrorist. I take trapper’s hostage at gunpoint and get off with a $1000 fines. It’s ridiculous.

But my ex is in jail facing his side of this (which is the same charges as I have, even though Google will tell you different). I feel very sorry they are taking this out on him when I got a fine.

But that is us. So just google me. If you have any questions? Ask!

 

An Evening To Remember

I don’t meet other people’s peeps. Or at least I try not to. I’m not the GF to meet your mom or go to family events. I’m not the friend you invite to someone else’s party because you don’t want to go solo.
Why?
I have social anxiety and I will fail you as a friend, socially, more often than not. I also have multiple physical health issues that, when they raise their ugly heads in public, make me embarrassed so I don’t like to do it.
And? I get attached way too easily to the people I meet. Then I find myself with all these people I suddenly care even the slightest bit about and my mental energy is spread so thin I can’t focus on myself.
Last night? I attended a party with my friend. It was a simple, small dinner party at a restaurant. And sure enough? I immediately had strong emotional energy towards one particular couple there. The girl is interested in knowing me. Her husband seemed to be interested as well.
And I want to know them. Each for different reasons. But also together because watching them together was kind of magical. The way they are in love? I remember being that in love in my own situation. It was nothing they said or did (I barely spoke to them) but an energy coming off them. They have a connection.
When I noticed the picture on the wall across from me was crooked and it started my anxiety (yes, OCD shit like that CAN give me panic attacks)? They both expressed concern, not anything I would feel bad for.
I got through the evening. Meeting my friends peeps, OCD issues, puking my way through a meal in a public place.
And in the end? I really hope to get to know this couple. They have a special energy coming off them. That energy made what could have been an anxious evening a delightful one!

Being Transitioned

I’ve changed myself.

Physically, I was 400 lbs and went for surgery to change it. Emotionally, I go through so much change all the time. Spiritually, I walked away from the religion of my youth to pursue what I know was born in me.

Being a part of the LGBTQ community? I’ve met people who struggled with their gender issues and fought within themselves for years.

I had a male partner who came out to me as transgendered. It’s NOT the reason we broke up.  But he felt, with my own sexuality being what it was, I could accept him as either. And I could have, if we didn’t have other issues.

I had a roommate who was my roomie through her transition. We talked about it. I was living with her through her recovery. I was so proud of her for taking that step at that time in life. She is older than me. She lost her job over it. And her marriage, even though her spouse had previously been approving.

Tonight I met a great guy and his lovely wife. Not married, but they live together, so I say wife. He was born in a female body. I didn’t have the opportunity to talk to him about that. Not appropriate for the circumstances we met under.

He is so smart, polite and mature for his age. His ‘wife’ is so amazing.  She asked if she could add me on Facebook so she could read my blog (how could I not like her LOL). She wants to know more about my candle magic.

Additionally? His mom, like me, had her own kind of transition.  She lost a lot of weight at one point.

So where is this all going?

I might come off as sounding trite, but I’m wondering, when I look in the mirror and still see myself as 400 lbs the doctor calls it body dysmorphia. Is that kind of the same for someone who’s transgender?

Once I get to know him better, and his mom because this could be an excellent threeway discussion, I plan to ask him more details. I have to wait until they know me enough it isn’t construed as rude but I really look forward to learning more about both of their transitions and sharing my own.

Kindness Karma

Paul called this morning with rather disappointing news. He spoke with his lawyer who informed him he hasn’t spoken with the prosecutor yet to confirm his deal for release. Also, because his lawyer just got out of surgery? He may need to send someone else from his firm to Paul’s court date.

It means it may take longer. Only a couple weeks but, still. This has taken long enough for camping charges! The lawyer asked him to call back tomorrow and find out what is going to happen.

Kindness about Paul? Over a week ago, when he found out his lawyer was having surgery? He asked I send a Get Well card on his behalf. He’s thoughtful and caring. His first question to his lawyer this morning was, “How are you feeling?”

He has health thoughts on his mind lately, because of me. (Yep, I’m narcissistic enough to say that)

Paul gets two free phone calls a day. Even though today is a day he could use the second phone call to me because he is feeling anxious? He told me he will be giving it to a guy who just got in and doesn’t have a way to make calls yet. The guy reminds him of his own situation and he is paying forward the kindness he received.

Since Paul has been in there? I have had 2 people take his phone, while I was talking, to tell me how much he has helped them. I had another call me after getting out to say how he has changed because of Paul (https://allhoursblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/12/backward-man/).

Paul has made so many changes and extended so many kindnesses. So I’m calling out for some kindness karma. He is charged for camping and is being held longer than criminals with weapons/assault charges because of politics. He deserves to come home.

So today I am working some energy. Perhaps, tonight, some candle magic if I can find the right candle. But I want things to go well for him on the 28th. I want him home by Solstice at the latest.

 

 

 

Quite The Conversation

I have a friend who use to study Wicca and is now Christian. I was raised Christian but I am now practicing pagan traditions.

We worked together at my last job, before I became sick and went on disability. I helped her, she helped me. She was a real life friend for the time we were in the same place.

Since then? Well, I got sick and left my job. She fell in love and got married to someone in another country. We lost touch for a lot of time.

But we both lost our dads recently. It was kind of a draw to re-connect in ways I wasn’t expecting. And in the reconnection? I had the most beautiful conversation that I think a Christian and Pagan can have.

Posted with permission:

Her: As far as the different faiths go…while I identify as a Christian, there are many things from my studies in Wicca that I can’t just “let go of” so you’d be surprised how open to some things I am. Your candle work intrigues me, as do your cleansing ceremonies by the beach…some would say it goes against what I claim as my faith, but to me it is all about intent. So…there’s that 🙂
Shaunda Lee
Wow! Thank you for sharing that. All of my pagan goes against the Christian faith I was raised in. I was taught I was evil. Now I know I am magic 🙂 I appreciate your open attitude. And I also respect you very much for living your faith
PS. Can I share this convo.. names left out?
Her: You can if you like… 🙂 and I am thankful that my openness brings respect from those I care about!
Shaunda Lee: You are unique, (name left out). A very special human, someone I am so blessed to have as a friend.
Her: I also think you would be surprised at the path I walked after we lost touch…you’d wonder how I ended up back in church and there is an excellent answer to that too!

I don’t see me as unique, because I am kind of like a sponge with a mirror behind it. I soak up pieces of everyone I love – and I reflect the atmosphere around me. You, you are far more unique – you march to your own drummer and that would be an adventurous way to live!

Shaunda Lee

Thank you. Not sure what else to say to that. But any time you care to share your path you walked? I want to hear it.

 Ah! Friendship. Sisterhood. A genuine understanding of each’s beliefs and respect for our own values. So much love.

Homecoming

Paul will be getting out of jail soon. His camping charges paid for.

He went back and faced the main thing that held him back from doing what I needed from him. He faced his PTSD from the previous arrest. He’s sat in a jail cell, working with a lawyer (against his personal politics) to make sure he is making ALL the right moves to come home and take care of me.

That is what he wants. Have a job where he can make enough he can supplement our income to help pay for things but be off enough he can care for me. My health. He wants us to have an apartment, instead of an RV, so I can have a bathtub for my leg pain. He plans to get his license (all gov’t style), and a car, so he can make sure I get to my health stuff. Things he was worried about doing before or unwilling to do before? He is willing to do them now.

When he gets home? He has a job lined up- because I rock that way. He’ll have a few weeks off for recovery time and then into a decent part time job!

Some people might question what they think is my blind belief in his ‘promises’. Or why I would be helping him at this point. Even he has questioned whether or not I can accept him back.

I believe his promises. Of any of the problems we may have had? Paul has NEVER lied to me. Not once. I currently have close to a thousand pages of his words, written from jail, telling me I am his most valued treasure. He regrets the things he did that contributed to our break down. He says how much he wants to take care of me and make up for any lost time. I believe him. His plans are realistic, slow-moving and well thought out.

So, I am preparing for a homecoming. It will be a few weeks yet. But soon, I hope.

He asked me today on the phone how terrified I was. He knows me. I was honest.

I told him I am very full of anxiety about this. We were barely friends again when he went back to Alberta to take care of this. I just spent all this time making my RV into MY space and now I have to accept someone back into it.

It’s a small space, not really meant for two. We didn’t do well the first time around. I hate clutter, it creates chaos in my mind. I’m worried about space.

BUT…   I love him! I’ve gone through some counseling. He and I have had months of words on paper and by phone. He’s agreed to counseling with me when he is out. He’s let me know the ways he is willing to make changes so he can be the man I need him to be for me. He is being a MAN.

So, I got a storage space, with a friend, to store the things that were taking up space. We need to just, well, have space! I packed up my summer clothing to make room for his. I packed the camping gear and dishes I don’t use right now but want to keep…   pretty much everything I don’t need between now and March.

I’m making room for the love of my life to come home. We are both a bit terrified at the same time as beyond excited for the homecoming.

We love each other. Soul mate style. We’ve both been to hell and back personally and as a couple. We are forgiving the past and moving forward to a life of being madly in love, madly making love and taking care of each other for life ❤

Backward Man

A man by the first name Alton called me yesterday.

“Is there a good man named Paul there?”, he asked. I told him Paul (my ex)  is still in jail, waiting. I told him if he wanted to speak to Paul he should try calling a few days after the 28th.

He asked me to pass this message:

“Paul helped me. He gave me spiritual guidance and advice. I came back to my elders and I made apologies for my transgressions. I have help to move forward because my elders see my heart has changed. I want to learn the ways of my people. I want to teach better ways.

Paul taught me how important that was and how to be a man. I am sober, still, and I want to help you in any way I can. Can you let him know I called? In jail I was known as ‘Backward Man’. He’ll know that.”

Wow! He’s been out for several weeks and he is still sober. He remembered Paul’s court date and gave about three days for release/travel before trying to contact. That alone? Says to me he IS cognisant and making efforts. He’s making restitution in his community. He’s promised to stay in touch and let Paul and I know what is happening for him as he grows to be an elder. It’s what he wants and Paul gave him the strength.

What a beautiful thing! Something good is coming from Paul spending his time.

The Cheque

I hate it.

Today I got an envelope from my ‘step-mom’ (the woman married to my father when he died). It had a cheque in it. It was the last thing I expected.

My dad was poor. A war vet who lived in a re-furbished barn.

When I heard my step-mom had asked for my ‘legal name’ and address I figured she was sending me a package of some kind. Maybe memorabilia, pictures. I was hoping for maybe some long lost letter that told me about things I’d asked him for so long that he ignored. About my heritage.

As we wrote recently? He told me very little. He was sick and couldn’t write a lot. So he tucked notes with tiny, teasing bits of information but no real answers, in with gifts of seeds for my garden or books and occasionally an American $50 to help me get by.

Tomorrow would have been his birthday. November 11. “Stop the war, a hero’s been born”, is how he talked about his birthday. Probably why he joined the military.  I’m guessing though. I asked but never got answers.

But I have this stupid cheque. If I didn’t need the money? I’d tear it up because I wanted something so different.

I wanted knowledge of my heritage. I wanted my health questions answered. I wanted more TIME. We only just got to talk again.

And all I have is this stupid cheque.