My Leaky Roof

I live in an RV. It’s a 1974 Wilderness. About 20′ or a little longer. The inside was gutted and renovated long before I moved in so it is very open concept and more like a bachelor suite than an RV.

I lived in it for almost a year without any issues. When I felt like I needed security of housing? The owner of the park I lived in (who also owned the RV) pretty much gave it to me.

So a leak in my roof? Doesn’t feel like something I should complain about. But I’m going to.

It only started after I moved. So it could be from shifting. Or it could be the tarp was on it was shredded a bit. Or whatever. I have a leak.

It’s in the living room part of my trailer. There are two vents (A/C and a crank open window vent) and then a light. That is also a place where the structure of the trailer slopes. On the outside? That means the ‘natural’ slope should allow for the run off. Right?

Meh. Everyone kept telling me that and at first I was listening but I had other ideas.

There IS a hole in my roof, loosely covered in a piece of plywood. The hole is right where the ‘natural’ slope ended. And while water may not be pooling there… it was getting through the tarp, into the hole and dripping through the light.

So? Get a piece of wood that goes over BOTH vents and extends to the end of the trailer but is still covered by the end of the tarp. It would improve run off and water wouldn’t collect on the hole or drip through the light.

When I made that suggestion to anyone helping me? I was told that won’t work.

I did all the things everyone else recommended. I bought a new tarp (heavy duty, non-weave) that covers my place end to end. I had help securing it end to end. We checked to make sure of no pooling.

Yet today? The water poured through. Not just a tiny leak, it poured. Why? Because even the best tarp lets water through in the wrong places when pulled too tightly or laying flat. Mine was pulled tight and laying flat right over the hole in my roof!

So I finally insisted on doing things MY way.

My friend actually fought me on it. He insisted it was futile. That it would not work.

I told him it was MY place, MY money and MY idea. If he didn’t want to help with the work he didn’t have to (even though he previously said he would and has been helping me in HIS ways). He did drive me to get the ten foot 2×4. And he very angrily set up the ladder. But after that I was on my own to get under the tarp and try to position the wood.

It was really hard for me to get that 2×4 up under the tarp on my own. But I got it up there and positioned. I tied the tarp back down nice and tight. Also on my own.

I am exhausted. I’m not really capable of that kind of effort in my health situation. But it needed to be done and he refused to help because he thought I was being futile.

Just a couple hours later? I can see the rain running off the sides of the tarp now when I look out the window. That pouring leak inside? Barely a drip and that is probably just some residual from in the roof. I’ve gone from two buckets to a towel.

What I learned?

I need to trust my own instincts. I need to stand up for my own ideas even though it means people relinquish their help. Their help means nothing if I can’t express how I want things in my own space without fear of emotional retribution.

Tonight? I am so tired. After climbing a ladder, lifting a ten foot 2×4, re-tying my tarp, cleaning my RV, doing laundry and making dinner?  I might need to sleep a week.

I don’t have a ‘leaky’ roof tonight though. And I’m pretty proud of that!




Rings N Things

When Paul called today he told me he is thinking about what kind of engagement ring to get me when we are ready for that. That’s super sweet and kind of exciting that he has that on his mind. We also talked about wedding bands.

When we decided we were ‘married’ the first time it was without any kind of ceremony. He never proposed. It was a common law marriage we both felt a little pushed into by circumstance. But we still had rings!


During our separation and the events leading up to it? Our rings came off often. We both end up casting them into the ocean for our own reasons. He did that first out of anger and pain. After I found out? I threw mine in the ocean in a cleansing ceremony because I needed THAT marriage over.

This time around? There will be an engagement ring. Diamond. Small and maybe even second hand because we are not rich and I don’t expect (or want) anything ostentatious.

I need a ring to symbolize this time around my hand will be asked for, not offered and taken out of need. He wants that. He’s told me he wants to ask me when the time is right. We need more time to heal together after he is home.

He initiated ring talk today. I didn’t mention any of these thoughts to him (even though they have been on my mind) and yet, today, he told me he is already thinking about the ring he wants to get me when he asks me to be his wife.


Waiting For Phone Calls

He gets two phone calls a day until he is sentenced on January 3rd. He usually calls in the morning around breakfast. We decide, depending on my day, what is the best time for him to call back. It’s usually around supper because in the evening? The ‘Moccasin Mafia’ give him the stare down if he takes the full twenty minutes.

When he misses a call or calls late? I worry. When my stupid phone app that he can call me on an AB number malfunctions? I worry. I hate missed calls.

We BOTH need our calls.

Often when he calls in the morning I am still in my vomiting phase of the day. He is patient while I barf my way through it all. During those calls? It’s like he is virtually holding my hair as he calmly talks to me and helps me get through it.

The evening calls? They are more pleasant. I usually feel better, have had rest. We talk about things like the food he misses and what we want to do when he is out. He tells me about the people inside and sometimes they even grab the phone from him to talk to me. That’s strange. But it’s nice to know people in there respect him.

We need our calls.

This morning he called.

Baby, I just got told I am being transferred and they won’t tell me where! So this call will be short and I don’t know when I can call again.

The call got cut off seconds later. I’ve been waiting all day to hear again and find out where he is. His commissary money and ordered things were sent to Fort Resort. That gets sent over to him, eventually. It can take up to a week.

His phone money was sent to the other place. It’s the day before Christmas Eve. We had put money on the phone so he could call me all day on the 25th. It won’t be transferred in time for that. How is that right?

I feel l spend my time around my phone. Making sure I am in WiFi connection to get his calls. Do I find this challenging? Meh, not particularly. I don’t exactly have much of a life. I tell him what I am going to be out n about doing and he tries to call around it.

Right now? Waiting! To hear where he went. It’s getting late in his time zone so I may not hear today.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine and this waiting on phone calls can kill sometimes!

Shaving Cream

I have a weird sense of music. It could be that I grew up not being able to explore all genres. It could be because I have some twisted humour in me.

This song cracks me up. It is the most ridiculous thing and I waltz around my living room with my cat when I put it on (not often).

It’s like the Fast Food Rockers! Silliest thing I watch but I actually dance around the room and “EAT! To the beat!”

There is no one in my life who has any appreciation for my playlist. But it’s alright! I can dance to any of my silly songs and have fun on my own!



Yes, it happened! In the forest. In the dark. The dirtiest love experience of my life.

I don’t mean dirty like ‘hot n sexy’. I mean? I lived in a tent, with no shower and only a wash basin I gathered water from a spring from.

So… ‘dirty’. I wash basin bathed every day so I was relatively clean. It was dirty in another way.

Paul and I were just getting into each other. We’re both pretty tame (yes, tame) but we decided to make it hot!. He got behind me and did it super hard. Hard as he could give and I could take!  He was telling me how wet I was and we both were getting off on it. Hardcore.

He decided to be a ‘dirty guy’ for the first time. Normally so ‘soft core’? He decided this was the night to pull out and squirt all over my back. SO HOT! I like the slut treatment in the bed. It was one of the hottest things ever. In the dark of the tent.

Next morning? We discovered I had started bleeding. When he pulled out, squirted and spread it on me? It created some kind of bloody massacre situation that looked like a crime scene!

Is that gross? Obviously. But it’s also funny as fuck. To be truthful? It’s our second best ever sex! The only thing that topped it is our first time. (

Yes, we have some interesting, somewhat gross, sex stories! But even in our forties? We’re fucking dirty hot and I can’t wait for him to get home!


Not Good News

Wow!  With years of law school? Paul’s lawyer couldn’t even do as much for him as I did for myself? They are asking for six more months served. He may not be home until next May. It was put over until January 3rd for another look at it.

I faced the same charges. With no lawyer! All I had in my favour was blonde hair, ovaries, tears and my version of the truth. I got a $1000 fine. WHY is he being held in jail for a year and a half?

Paul has been my primary caregiver for several years. Even in our differences? He still came to care for me. ALWAYS. I have never doubted his commitment to caring for me even in the worst of our differences.

I’m really sick right now. I need my caregiver.

I feel so selfish making my thoughts about the situation about me when he is the one potentially facing another 6 months in jail.

So. tonight? I am sad because it will be a LONG time before my love is back to me. I get Solstice, New Year’s, Valentines, Spring Equinox all to myself but I wanted it for us. WE wanted these special times as healing days.

I won’t lie. This is kind of fucking with my head tonight. A lot.

How can they hold him for over a year on the same charges I only got a fine for? Why is he held to some different standard? Why is every lawyer that is supposed to defend him? Throwing him under the bus!

I really just want this all done with!


Keeping It Together, Barely

Today? It’s a biggie!

Paul’s sentencing is today and we find out if it is time served. I’m on eggshells until I know what is happening. But they hold him in shackles in a holding place all day on court days. 5 minutes of CCTV court but he spends all day shackled in a cement room without a real meal. He gets very anxious. I feel his energy and get anxious as well. Today should be the last time that ever happens to him. Hopefully.

Also, today is the day my CPP disability pay came in. Normally my insurance company pays me the same day. My insurance didn’t come in today.

I never received a letter saying I was cut off but I have also been waiting to hear about my review. I’m hoping it is just that the government pays early in December and my insurance company still pays on their regular schedule. That would mean I’ll get paid from them in a couple of days. But I AM panicking a bit. Of course.

I have so many things I want to do around here but I feel like my friend has been underfoot the past few days. Here to help but has too many beers and doesn’t accomplish things. He IS an epic procrastinator. And I am okay with that. I know it about him and accept him with all his quirks!

He’s good to me in so many ways. He is helping me prepare for Paul to come home. Heck he even has a business for Paul to come home to and work for. Terrific guy but driving me a bit crazy today because I am in my own kind of other bad head space.

Today I need productive, not procrastination! I need to accomplish things to help me cope with all the other things outside of my control.



And I sorta got my period this morning. I mean, it’s trying. But I’m having a blood issue again, I think. It’s hard to tell. I’m peri-menopausal (started menopause years ago because of my health issues, not yet through it because I am only 42). So my periods became irregular about 10 years ago.

In months I am under stress? My period comes later and later. It’ll show up for a day and half of nothing some months but be an explosion of awful for a full week the next.

And my period ALWAYS comes with two days of explosive diarrhea.


Today is just an all around ‘shitty’ day. (LOL Puns are keeping me sane right this moment) I’m doing my best to keep it together.

How am I coping?

Music! I have a playlist that makes me laugh, dance, cry and get everything out!

Meditation. It’s not really that but I sit for a few brief moments at a time and have my hands open, palms up, sending and receiving loving energy with Paul. Not really meditation but a definite energy exchange.

Stretching. I am only now beginning to really feel the benefits of oxygenating my muscles through simple stretches.

Cleaning. I have plans to be productive today! I already made slow cooker soup. Now to clean the kitty litter, vacuum and get out a few cobwebs.

Wine. Who am I kidding if I were to try and pretend I’m not using wine to get through today?

Most of those are good coping skills LOL

At the end of this day? I’ll know the resolution to at least one of the issues. Paul’s court. I’m kinda counting on the insurance thing to work out, hopefully without me having to appeal. The rest will run it’s course.

I’m tired! Time to have a nap while I wait to hear from Paul or his lawyer!

The One’s I Used To Know

I have a lot of lost people in my life. Hell, I’m lost myself. And I realize this song is more about a love lost than general relationship. But it has me thinking.

I’m sure I am someone that someone ‘used to know’.

But if they are still there in your mind and soul? Did you ‘used to’ know them?  If they come to your mind regularly. If they are a part of what shaped you as a human being. Why do people have to be someone you ‘used to know’?

I have so many people in my past that I regret not knowing better, I regret losing contact with and regret causing pain to. I want to make amends.

I don’t want to be someone they ‘used to know’.

That Day!

Paul and I got together in the most unconventional of ways. We fought hard for our relationship that still fell apart because we were/are both so broken. And now we are on a path back to marriage.

Through all of that damage? We love each other still. I can’t wait for my love to get home. I have a lot of great friends who care about me well. It’s nothing against them when I say I need my Paul back.

He IS my caregiver. Others care and offer help. But he knows how to react when I am sick. He knows what kind of sick needs what kind of help and he is RIGHT there. He knows that because he paid attention and loved me.

Others lived with me and never learned my health needs. They knew I had some and had vague awareness when I was in trouble. None could help.

Paul knows my needs. AND he reacts. He knows when I need a puke bucket and hair held or just a cold clothe and ice water to drink. He knows when I jump up in the night with leg pain that I need my calves rubbed and he jumps up to do it. Any new symptom? He’s on me to document it all. He is my caregiver.

Is it selfish that I want him to marry me so I have him to take care of me? There are so many things he loves about me that I don’t even love about myself. There are things he took me away from like a total hero. I’ve never felt a loved by anyone as I do by him.

He IS coming home to me. We ARE going to repair us. And one day soon he’ll be asking me to marry him for real. Because we have epic love!


If I Could Turn Back Time

I got an email from my mom tonight. It was a forward from my cousins.

Jewls and her hubby have an elaborate Christmas Eve party every year. They have some money so they are very generous with the booze and food. People (from all sides of the family and often friends as well) bring generic gifts for a ‘Santa. game.

I went once. It was beyond awesome.

My family also has a regular family picnic. My mom’s family. Cousins, etc. I haven’t gone in years.

Somewhere along the way I turned my own self shame into feeling like everyone around me would hate who I was. I don’t know when that happened exactly. I don’t know why.

My family and friends love me. I know that. But I have pushed them away so long and held back from being who I am for so long that I have no idea how to get back. I don’t know how to be myself with them without being angry and defensive.

I emailed my cousin back. My mom forwarded me the invite so I reached out.

Thank you so much for your invite that my mom passed along.
I live on Vancouver Island now and won’t be in Winnipeg any time soon.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season. I think of all my family often, even though I am not in touch.
YOU, especially, have dear memories in my heart. I dress up and dance around my living room whenever I am sad. Part of that comes from dressing up at grandmas place and you showing us dance moves, performing for our parents. That may seem silly now but it impacted me. It’s part of how I make it through things sometimes.
So in this Solstice season, I wish you many blessings. Thank you for all the good you brought to my life. I hope 2017 brings you and your family love, happiness, peace and prosperity!
In the past couple months I’ve come to realize that family is a lot. I probably should’ve kept closer to mine. They are really wonderful people. And it’s not like I’ve forgotten them. I can name most of my cousins down to the second cousins. On my grandpa’s side they made a publisher bound book about our heritage from Sweden. I know those cousins, and my family still in Sweden, because my grandparents felt family is VERY important. And that I should know my heritage.
Tonight I feel sad. I really feel like I dropped the ball. These people care enough that even after years of my dissociation I’m still welcome. Of course they do. I’m family. And I am grateful. But I am also thinking a lot tonight about missing my family and why that is my own fault.