WARNING: MATURE CONTENT, 18+, SEXUAL
When I lived in Winnipeg, I used to have a regular Friday night date with a friend. I’ll call him Masculine Man (MM), because I would never expose him to anyone and that was his own nickname on our adventures.
MM was 50+, I was in my mid-30’s. He was gay and I was dating men, or women, depending on the day. We spent a few years having our ‘dates’.
Truth? Yep, a meth partner. (https://allhoursblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/07/meth-yep-i-did-that/)
I’d go to his place, smoke my drugs (who am I kidding, I smoked HIS drugs) and then I would spend a day and a half, ’cause meth allows for that, changing outfits and taking pictures in his amazing basement. Surround stereo, stereo built into the wall, circular room with a 60inch screen that could play pretty much any video I asked ON DEMAND and any kind of alcohol I would ask for and nothing at all asked for in return.
One time as I was dancing around? He showed me this ‘live cam’ site he watched on the internet. I didn’t know about cams. I’m not a fan of porn. I thought it was all gay. So I wasn’t interested. But he convinced me to try.
“Shaunda, you like to dance around here in your underwear in front of a fag. The very least you could do is share it with the world. You’re beautiful.”
MM was the first man who ever wanted to photograph me scantily clad. And that isn’t pretty.
He SAW my sexuality for what it was and let me dance around expressing it well before he suggested I capture it on camera. And it wasn’t about getting in my knickers. I know. He’s one of my favourite gay friends!!
In the end it went well beyond that.
I DID get an account on the cam website he liked. I started dancing around in his basement on video. I would turn off the camera (so I could smoke meth and change outfits) and then get back online to just do, whatever. AND He would log in to his own account on a separate laptop.
Anyone watching me could alternatively switch to watching his account and just get a different view of me. Spotlights, disco ball, computers moved to other rooms for other views? It was my personal Friday night dance party.
While I have no desire for the ‘drug’ aspect of this again? My Paul knows about my past. He is encouraging me to explore the pictures and sexuality that I loved from that time. He wants to be a part of it. And I want that.
I have my Friday nights where I still dance around alone in my underwear but I miss having someone to share that part of myself with who enjoys it as much as I do. I miss being adored. I know that is narcissistic. I’m okay with that!
Paul told me when he gets home, one of the things we are going to have is a toy chest! I’m excited. He wants to be a part of this with me. My silly outfits that are only meant for drinking wine, dancing and taking copious amounts of pictures. I’m excited to finally share that part of me with my best friend!