It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I could just relax. I’m not even there yet.
I’m tired. I’m sick almost every day but it seems like every day there is more to do. My septic needed a new hose. My water froze so I had to get a heat tape to go around my hose. My tarp shredded in storms so I had to replace that as well. I say HAD TO because I had a leak from one of my lights. And doctor appointments. Galore.
It’s about two days until I find out if I have an income after January. Paul is still in jail in limbo and I am waiting to hear from his lawyer. Waiting on things is killing my spirit.
I’m so worn down. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep. I get a few hours here and there. I puke my way between the hours I am awake. My eyes are raw from rubbing away tears.
I know I am cared for. I should be grateful, not crying.
I just can’t help but thinking… this isn’t what I signed up for. And then I think… do we really sign up for anything? What is life except a shitshow of issues to resolve? And why do I want to do that? It’s not like I have kids or a job. What purpose do I even serve?
Those questions are not an indication of anything, by the way. I have those kind of morbid thoughts but never those morbid actions. I’m too chickenshit to take action.
But that is my brain tonight. I feel lost. Tired. Sad. Anxious.