If I Could Turn Back Time

I got an email from my mom tonight. It was a forward from my cousins.

Jewls and her hubby have an elaborate Christmas Eve party every year. They have some money so they are very generous with the booze and food. People (from all sides of the family and often friends as well) bring generic gifts for a ‘Santa. game.

I went once. It was beyond awesome.

My family also has a regular family picnic. My mom’s family. Cousins, etc. I haven’t gone in years.

Somewhere along the way I turned my own self shame into feeling like everyone around me would hate who I was. I don’t know when that happened exactly. I don’t know why.

My family and friends love me. I know that. But I have pushed them away so long and held back from being who I am for so long that I have no idea how to get back. I don’t know how to be myself with them without being angry and defensive.

I emailed my cousin back. My mom forwarded me the invite so I reached out.

Thank you so much for your invite that my mom passed along.
I live on Vancouver Island now and won’t be in Winnipeg any time soon.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season. I think of all my family often, even though I am not in touch.
YOU, especially, have dear memories in my heart. I dress up and dance around my living room whenever I am sad. Part of that comes from dressing up at grandmas place and you showing us dance moves, performing for our parents. That may seem silly now but it impacted me. It’s part of how I make it through things sometimes.
So in this Solstice season, I wish you many blessings. Thank you for all the good you brought to my life. I hope 2017 brings you and your family love, happiness, peace and prosperity!
In the past couple months I’ve come to realize that family is a lot. I probably should’ve kept closer to mine. They are really wonderful people. And it’s not like I’ve forgotten them. I can name most of my cousins down to the second cousins. On my grandpa’s side they made a publisher bound book about our heritage from Sweden. I know those cousins, and my family still in Sweden, because my grandparents felt family is VERY important. And that I should know my heritage.
Tonight I feel sad. I really feel like I dropped the ball. These people care enough that even after years of my dissociation I’m still welcome. Of course they do. I’m family. And I am grateful. But I am also thinking a lot tonight about missing my family and why that is my own fault.
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