A Kind, Kind Woman

The Goddess. She orchestrates/facilitates a goddess group. She is one of the first people I opened up to about my own energy. It happened at a particularly down point in my life.

When I returned to Alberta to face my own court charges? She took me in without knowing me. I had a place to stay while I turned myself in for arrest Her family and friends were warm and welcoming. They offered me clothing (mine had been taken by fish police), a place to stay while I figured out my next moves. And comfort. Spiritual guidance (not Christian) while I was suffering.

That was then.

This is now.

For the past months and, very importantly, last night (more than three years later) she is still a woman who comes to the rescue. She has been the person who accepts my money transfers and takes her time to go and put them in the booth at the remand centre for Paul to have commissary. She has kept in touch and sent her comfort.

Last night she picked Paul up. She brought him to her home and welcomed him with open arms. I am sure the energy she emanates was something he felt. She brought him to the bus today so he can get him home to me. She made him an epic lunch for the road!

This wonderful woman came into my life in turmoil. She has been there through several times of turmoil. She is treasured.

If there is any time I can be there for her as she has for me? And Paul? I will be there absolutely!


Silent Night


I had a long standing fantasy that I think is a common one for many people.

Nameless, faceless sex.

Of course you could go on many a website and have that kind of encounter. That seems a bit dangerous to me. I couldn’t do it that way so I never thought I’d have a chance to have that fantasy acted out.

However, when Paul and I separated and I had a need for sex? I wasn’t sure what to do. We were arguing in text and email. I needed him but didn’t want to talk. He wasn’t allowed in the park I lived in. What to do?

I decided to ask him to act out my long time fantasy. He would come over and do whatever he wanted while I had my eyes closed. The only condition was that neither of us speak. It was my ‘stranger’ experience.

I had a bottle of wine I drank while dancing and getting ready for him to come over. After making sure I was clean and soft and ready for whatever? I went to bed.

I WAS asleep when he snuck in after dark. Groggy from sleep and still wine drunk? I struggled slightly as it took me a moment to remember what was going on. It was my fantasy coming true.

I kept my eyes closed as Paul held me down and slowly kissed me. Once I relaxed, remembering what was happening, he moved his kisses elsewhere.  He pulled off my panties and spread me open.

He is masterful with his tongue. And his fingers. Pretty much everything he does has a touch of expertise.

But that night? He went places I don’t usually allow. We both did. Our tongues went everywhere on each other.

I’ve eaten ass before. More often, I’ve licked that spot right behind the balls. When I am with someone I care about and trust? I like to make sure they have every pleasure.

Paul has never let someone go there. I’m not sure if he had gone there before either. But on that silent night when we weren’t allowed words? How could we stop each other? We gave into every carnal pleasure we decided to give each other that night.

After we had exhausted ourselves, my eyes still closed, he dressed and silently slipped out.

We’ve talked about that night since. It is one of our top sexual experiences together. We both learned some new things about the other.

I can’t wait for him to get back and explore more of that!



Waiting On The Call

I feel like this is the longest day of my life. I couldn’t sleep last night so I am running on adrenaline and coffee. I have my “Dancing” YouTube playlist going and I am dancing a bit. Trying to feel good energy until I get the call.

His lawyer has been fantastic to call me lately. I wrote him some emails, he changed his heart, and now he gets in touch! I am hoping he will call me right after court because it will take Paul longer to get back to a phone.

I want to tell Paul not to worry about the getting home issue. I had a friend get some money back to me today so paying for his ticket won’t be an issue either way. I’m sure he is anxious about that. I also want to tell him that there are more bus schedules available. I went over them with the friend who is picking him up. She is going to give him all the options and has a place for him to stay until his bus time.

SIDE NOTE: I have stayed at her place before. It’s like a small paradise.Her family is very welcoming. The guest rooms are amazingly comfortable. And she does energy work so I am sure it would be a valuable experience for him to spend a night there.

So I am feeling less anxious but still anxious. I’m just pretty much always anxious these days. I’m sure the anxiety will lessen after I get that call.

One Sleep, Two Sleeps, Three Sleeps, More

NOTE: I started this Sunday Jan 29th. By the time it’s posted the ‘today’s and tomorrow’s’ won’t really make sense.

Paul’s lawyer finally persuaded the Crown to agree to time served. He will be in court tomorrow to have the judge give his gavel of approval mid-afternoon. Then there is the release process which  can take several hours. He will be released sometime tomorrow evening. It’s hard to believe it is really going to happen.

He has one more sleep until he is on his way home to me. Tonight was our last, “Good night. Sweet dreams. I miss you.” He will be taken for court early in the day despite his appearance not being until afternoon, so I won’t get our usual, “Good morning.”

Obviously he won’t be home tomorrow night. It will depend on how they plan to return him. The flew him there but may choose to bus him back.

Other inmates told him they’ll bus him home. When he was at Fort Saskatchewan he was told he would get sent all the way home. However, he’s back at Edmonton Remand Centre and tonight one guard told him they are only obligated to get him as far as the BC border. Paul phoned me right away to tell me.

I can’t see how that is correct. They arrested him in the summer. How can they drop him off in Banff (snow capped mountains) with no jacket and no money to get to the island?

(now it’s Monday)

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. My stomach is very upset this morning.

Paul is sitting in a concrete room waiting for court. He pretty much sits there all day waiting and then gets seen on CCTV. But today is different. When he gets back to ERC he’ll be getting processed out. That’s when we’ll know how far they are sending him.

We have a friend in Edmonton picking him up and taking him to the bus. I can send money to her for him to get the rest of the way (crossing my fingers it’s within what we have!)

So what should have been a day I am sitting here all happy and excited I am, instead, full of anxiety. And I guess we’ll see how many more sleeps until he is actually here.

What A Night


Paul is coming home next week. His lawyer called and told me the prosecution agreed to it. It’s happening!!

We’ve talked about it. We’re both a little bit nervous. Kinda like teenagers waiting for prom night? I dunno. I never had a prom but I imagine it’s what these nerves feel like.

It’s been so long since his touch. Still I remember it so vividly. Everything about him is so gentle until I tell him to get rougher. He caresses and kisses and licks and strokes everywhere until I command more.

And then he just does it. Whatever I want. He is such a gentleman!

So, next week when he gets home. That’s going to be a bit new again. That familiar mixed with anxiety of being apart so long. I can’t wait for that first hug.

I also can’t wait for him to get me home, kiss me, slowly take my clothes off and do all the dirty, dirty things we’ve been talking about on the phone!

A girl has to prepare for that!


I’m kind of having fun getting ready for that night. Shaving, lotion and all the hygiene things. I haven’t been super girly in a while. I bought a black velour mini skirt at the thrift store today to put with trashy heels and fishnets for him to tear through.

We’ve talked on the phone about his homecoming so much. I can’t believe it is less than a week until we are together.

Cycle Of Kindness

I’ve always been a super trusting person. I’ve been called naive, doormat and every other word you can describe someone like me. I have always tried to help in any way I can.Some people use that to their advantage.

People have told me I do that to my detriment. I disagree. Whatever I have ever given away has come back. I gave a lot in my past. It caused me pain and hurt. But I also experience a lot of personal joy out of sharing anything I have with others.

These days? It’s come back to me. Ever since I arrived in my lil’ paradise (the island)? I have encountered so much kindness. Yes, I’ve hit a few peeps along the way that have bullied or made me feel bad. I’m choosing to focus myself elsewhere.

I have a lot of good people in my life that I know I can trust. They take care of me regardless of me (anyone who knows me will know how that makes sense).

I was ‘given’ a home. I’ll never forget that kindness. The RV has it’s issues but it is still a very habitable place. Very minor leaks aside? All the electrical works. My fridge is holding up. The propane works. Plumbing good.

When I moved it to another place to stay? The ‘bumping around’ from site to  site before I moved in? Gave me the best possible site in the park. I have the most private site with no neighbours.  Parking across from me, motel/office on one side and fence on the other side! Social anxiety heaven 🙂

People here don’t come a knockin’! I am loving having my privacy. I venture out on occasion and do things in my yard. I know all the staff. The people who work here are fantastic. Very kind.

When it comes down to it? I always have believed kindness will be returned. I may have become jaded at some points in my life but I was mostly kind. It’s being returned.

I plan to make that a cycle of kindness!


Arrival Anxiety

Paul will be home next week.

Re-capping for those who haven’t read the history? Paul and I split up last March. We went back and forth trying to work on things. We were still separated when he went back to Alberta to face his court charges.  We both wanted to work things out but I needed more time and space.

I guess I got what I wished for.

He was re-arrested last August (2016).  He’s been in jail since. I have had all the time and space I need to think and make my decisions. I’ve gotten therapy. He’s made apologies and plans for how to change when he gets home. I trust him on that. I believe when he gets home we will continue to move forward in our healing. We’ve developed a lot in our communication while we’ve been working on ‘us’ for almost a year.

But I am me. All anxiety all the time. I have so many fears about this.

I made my space into my own when he left. I didn’t anticipate sharing this space again. It’s MINE and I don’t want to change it in any way. I am comfortable in my space, finally, and I won’t relinquish it. However? I don’t want him to feel like a ‘guest’ in my space. As much as I need it to continue to be mine? I want him to feel at home. Those conflicting thoughts are fucking with me.

He told me he knows I did a lot to make it my space and he has no intention of trying to make change. He wants to make sure I am still in MY home until such a time we find a bigger space and it is ‘ours’. Until then? My space, my way.

That is somewhat comforting but also makes me feel so selfish in needing things my way.

Another big anxiety? Food.

I have digestive health issues that prevent me from eating huge amounts and certain types of food. Alone? My grocery budget is about $200/month (and that is with extravagant treats and includes things like cleaning supplies).

Paul is a meat n potatoes guy. He eats way more than me. Our budget for food together was always closer to $600. I can’t afford that. It’s one of the huge issues that broke us up. Always being broke and him hungry.

I talked to him about it. I told him my general menu has changed. I eat a lot of slow cooker soup and things that are cheaper to make. Not the steak, roast or stew he is used to me making (that I also choke on and can’t get down). The upside is way more veggies in the diet.

He agreed to the change in diet and cooking. I think jail showed him that a hearty soup is better than stale PB&J. He told me he is willing to compromise.

In the beginning of this, Paul agreed to go to couples counseling when he gets out. I have not reminded him recently but I made that a condition of him returning to live with me.  I am worried he will try to fight me on the issue and it will be point of contention.

I need the joint counseling. I wanted him to get personal counseling as well but I compromised on the joint counseling. I already compromised on this. If he backs out of the joint counseling I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

And not that he has said anything about backing out. But he hasn’t said anything about moving forward with it and when I bring up counseling he seems to react like it’s not necessary for him. That spikes my anxiety about his return.

I’m anxious about the smallness of space. And that he needs quiet to sleep while I need background noise. And how quickly he will be able to find work. And how we will get around to appointments he needs to get to in order to re-establish.

OMG. It’s so overwhelming.

I have talked to him about a bit of it. He knows my anxiety is at an all time high because he is coming home.

He keeps re-assuring me. He doesn’t want to change MY space. He wants to find work and make sure we can find a bigger space that we can furnish and build together. He understands my food budget and will find work as soon as possible to contribute to the budget.

How is it that I can tell him all my anxiety, he responds with all the right answers (and I believe him) but I still can’t shake this anxiety?



How To Fist




Guys always wondered how that could happen. I can fist myself and did it frequently because I like to feel FULL! It’s super close-up so a horrible angle but whatever. It’s the only pic I could find to match the subject matter.


I gave fisting lessons when I was on cam. I did it to myself and viewers asked about how they could get their girlfriends into it. So if anyone wants know how to fist a girl the right way? I’m about to roll out the details.

Step 1: Forget everything you ever thought fisting was/is. Ya don’t get to donkey punch her cunt with your arm.

Step 2: It all starts with your tongue. No pussy will accept a fist until it is deeply  wet. It needs to be saturated by your love, kisses and mostly just being wet.

Step 3: Lube!!! Dude, you’ve seen that tiny lil’ precious hole. Do you think it can take you to the elbow without lubrication? SPIT is not enough. Licking won’t get you there…. with the fist anyway. Make sure SHE is ready. Get a nice slippery lube.

Step 4: Start small. Don’t just punch her box. Kiss it. Everywhere and deep. Suck and lick and kiss. Tell her she smells good and tastes amazing. Her legs will spread open and she will invite you in for more.

Step 5: SWIRL! That’s the key. When I gave fisting lessons on cam I could not say enough…. it’s all about the swirling. One finger in and one swirling around the opening. Soon that pussy opens up to the next finger (it’s how they work), and then the next. All the while another finger is swirling around waiting.

Step 6: Give her lots of kisses while you work the forth finger in. If it is her first time being that full? She’s gonna need your attention everywhere other than her pussy. Being that full is not easy. However, it feels exceptional  when it is done right.

Step 7: By now you have kissed her lot and swirled the right ways. If you have four fingers in and she feels pained? She may not be able to take it. But if she tells you to keep going…. BE GENTLE. (fisting isn’t about punching a cunt, it’s about giving your lover her most FULL pleasure)

Step 8: This is the barrier. As you put in your four fingers, continue to use your thumb until you can get it in as well. Keep in mind you haven’t made a fist yet. It’s fingers and a thumb, slowly sliding in. She should be squirming and moaning. She may even squirt a bit if you hit that spot.

Step 9: Gently tug your hand/wrist back but not out. That tiny tug? It’s going to make her gush a bit (making things easier). Now you can get just the bit deeper.

Step 10: When you are inside? Make a fist. She WILL cum on you whether she wants to or not. At least that has been my experience. Whether done to me or by me.

Step 11: Don’t pull out with a fist. She could tear if she isn’t used the that. Flex and release inside her until she is creaming all over you and then slowly pull your hand out.

I have never pulled out with a fist made. I usually flex and relax my fist until the girl has flooded my face with everything she has to offer me.Then, I gently and slowly extract my hand while I cover the rest of her body with kisses, licks and cuddles.

And that my friends is your fisting lesson!


Using My Words

I’ve spent a fair bit of time writing to Paul’s lawyer. I felt he was siding with the prosecution.  HE referred to Paul as a ‘freeman’ in court (the ultimate Alberta dirty word).

Paul gave me POA to speak for him a long time ago. I tried to contact the lawyer through his assistant to get more information. It was minimal. When I finally got ahold of the lawyer?  He agued with me about my thoughts about the case. It became obvious to me, quickly, he was only reading the prosecutions side.

I have no legal background. I may have heard a lot of legal/lawful rhetoric through people I know,  but it sure doesn’t make me think I know the law or legal system.

And when I WON my own legal battle on the same issue?  I am NOT ashamed to admit I walked into that court room and played every card I could. I won on emotion. I don’t know enough about law except to ask questions. And the prosecution couldn’t answer my legitimate questions.

I directed them to the judge.

“Why is this  taking so long? I’ve wanted to resolve this since the day I turned myself in for arrest, Your Honour. It was the court that forced me to get a lawyer when all I wanted to do was resolve this from day 1. The lawyer you made me get? He let me go when my co-accused fired his.  How is that fair to me, Your Honour? I asked our charges to be separated on my first appearance. The prosecution argued against that. Because the charges weren’t separated? I am being punished for my co-accused making a decision for himself. Now I am supposed to go to a trial I never wanted and face it without an attorney.  This seems like malicious prosecution.”

My court case was dealt with two days later. The judge ordered the prosecutor to meet with me outside the court and get some kind of agreement.  So we did.

I walked away with a $1000 fine and no criminal record. The prosecutor was fired.

Ironically, he’s a defense attorney now LOL

Today? I realized my words, written to Paul’s current lawyer or spoke over the phone with him? He read/heard them! He saw Paul’s heart. He knew where to look for info. He sees Paul in a different light.

He took the spirit of my words to the prosecutor and convinced him Paul is not the political person or freeman that he is being accused of. With those accusations out of the way (coupled with evidence I provided of Paul’s not-Freeman stance) – he’s getting time served next Monday!

He’ll be home next week because of my words. No threats. No violence. Just words.

Genuine words of honest. Even if you are wrong in the eyes of others, you  can use words and passion to prove your point. Words and passion with the right heart? That has gotten me far further than anything!


Taking Pills

I don’t pop pills. People can barely get me to take a Tyelenol when I am in extreme pain. but today I am taking an anxiety one.
Even all alone in my RV? I freak out over TV shows. My head can’t relax at all. Ruminating thoughts and bad imaginations have my heart pounding over ‘thoughts’, not reality. Everything seems to amp me up. I can’t calm at all.
I am so fucked up. Enough they give me pills.
I hate pills. I don’t want to put them in my mouth. I’m stupid for the next lil’ bit because my head won’t function. No thinking. No real function on the ‘pams. (lorazepam, diazepam, clinazepam….)
Ativan  is the one they prescribe me because of my stomach issues and it is sublingual. It dissolves under my tongue. It’s in the Lorazepam family. As much as I hate them? They work when I need. Previous doctors tried to give me a prescription where I was to take 2mgs three times a day. But that was way too much. I was practically a vegetable.
My new doctor told me they don’t like to prescribe that. We discussed it. He agreed on the script after speaking about it. It was my best choice! But then he tried to prescribe 2mgs three times a day (sorta like every other doc).
Why is it I need to explain to doctors repeatedly that my body doesn’t handle pills the same way? Did he not read my chart? Has he not taken my history?

I told him 2mgs three times a day was way too much for me.  I asked for .5mgs only as needed.  As needed, not regular. He was impressed and gave me what I needed. 30 pills? Lasted me six months because I only take them as needed.

I really hate these pills. I hate anything that numbs my emotions and thinking.
However? When my thinking goes ruminating and my emotions take hold without my ability to stop them? These .5mgs of Ativan? They kept me sane and not needing to suck a wine bottle.