A Kind, Kind Woman

The Goddess. She orchestrates/facilitates a goddess group. She is one of the first people I opened up to about my own energy. It happened at a particularly down point in my life.

When I returned to Alberta to face my own court charges? She took me in without knowing me. I had a place to stay while I turned myself in for arrest Her family and friends were warm and welcoming. They offered me clothing (mine had been taken by fish police), a place to stay while I figured out my next moves. And comfort. Spiritual guidance (not Christian) while I was suffering.

That was then.

This is now.

For the past months and, very importantly, last night (more than three years later) she is still a woman who comes to the rescue. She has been the person who accepts my money transfers and takes her time to go and put them in the booth at the remand centre for Paul to have commissary. She has kept in touch and sent her comfort.

Last night she picked Paul up. She brought him to her home and welcomed him with open arms. I am sure the energy she emanates was something he felt. She brought him to the bus today so he can get him home to me. She made him an epic lunch for the road!

This wonderful woman came into my life in turmoil. She has been there through several times of turmoil. She is treasured.

If there is any time I can be there for her as she has for me? And Paul? I will be there absolutely!

What A Night


Paul is coming home next week. His lawyer called and told me the prosecution agreed to it. It’s happening!!

We’ve talked about it. We’re both a little bit nervous. Kinda like teenagers waiting for prom night? I dunno. I never had a prom but I imagine it’s what these nerves feel like.

It’s been so long since his touch. Still I remember it so vividly. Everything about him is so gentle until I tell him to get rougher. He caresses and kisses and licks and strokes everywhere until I command more.

And then he just does it. Whatever I want. He is such a gentleman!

So, next week when he gets home. That’s going to be a bit new again. That familiar mixed with anxiety of being apart so long. I can’t wait for that first hug.

I also can’t wait for him to get me home, kiss me, slowly take my clothes off and do all the dirty, dirty things we’ve been talking about on the phone!

A girl has to prepare for that!


I’m kind of having fun getting ready for that night. Shaving, lotion and all the hygiene things. I haven’t been super girly in a while. I bought a black velour mini skirt at the thrift store today to put with trashy heels and fishnets for him to tear through.

We’ve talked on the phone about his homecoming so much. I can’t believe it is less than a week until we are together.

Cycle Of Kindness

I’ve always been a super trusting person. I’ve been called naive, doormat and every other word you can describe someone like me. I have always tried to help in any way I can.Some people use that to their advantage.

People have told me I do that to my detriment. I disagree. Whatever I have ever given away has come back. I gave a lot in my past. It caused me pain and hurt. But I also experience a lot of personal joy out of sharing anything I have with others.

These days? It’s come back to me. Ever since I arrived in my lil’ paradise (the island)? I have encountered so much kindness. Yes, I’ve hit a few peeps along the way that have bullied or made me feel bad. I’m choosing to focus myself elsewhere.

I have a lot of good people in my life that I know I can trust. They take care of me regardless of me (anyone who knows me will know how that makes sense).

I was ‘given’ a home. I’ll never forget that kindness. The RV has it’s issues but it is still a very habitable place. Very minor leaks aside? All the electrical works. My fridge is holding up. The propane works. Plumbing good.

When I moved it to another place to stay? The ‘bumping around’ from site to  site before I moved in? Gave me the best possible site in the park. I have the most private site with no neighbours.  Parking across from me, motel/office on one side and fence on the other side! Social anxiety heaven 🙂

People here don’t come a knockin’! I am loving having my privacy. I venture out on occasion and do things in my yard. I know all the staff. The people who work here are fantastic. Very kind.

When it comes down to it? I always have believed kindness will be returned. I may have become jaded at some points in my life but I was mostly kind. It’s being returned.

I plan to make that a cycle of kindness!


How To Fist




Guys always wondered how that could happen. I can fist myself and did it frequently because I like to feel FULL! It’s super close-up so a horrible angle but whatever. It’s the only pic I could find to match the subject matter.


I gave fisting lessons when I was on cam. I did it to myself and viewers asked about how they could get their girlfriends into it. So if anyone wants know how to fist a girl the right way? I’m about to roll out the details.

Step 1: Forget everything you ever thought fisting was/is. Ya don’t get to donkey punch her cunt with your arm.

Step 2: It all starts with your tongue. No pussy will accept a fist until it is deeply  wet. It needs to be saturated by your love, kisses and mostly just being wet.

Step 3: Lube!!! Dude, you’ve seen that tiny lil’ precious hole. Do you think it can take you to the elbow without lubrication? SPIT is not enough. Licking won’t get you there…. with the fist anyway. Make sure SHE is ready. Get a nice slippery lube.

Step 4: Start small. Don’t just punch her box. Kiss it. Everywhere and deep. Suck and lick and kiss. Tell her she smells good and tastes amazing. Her legs will spread open and she will invite you in for more.

Step 5: SWIRL! That’s the key. When I gave fisting lessons on cam I could not say enough…. it’s all about the swirling. One finger in and one swirling around the opening. Soon that pussy opens up to the next finger (it’s how they work), and then the next. All the while another finger is swirling around waiting.

Step 6: Give her lots of kisses while you work the forth finger in. If it is her first time being that full? She’s gonna need your attention everywhere other than her pussy. Being that full is not easy. However, it feels exceptional  when it is done right.

Step 7: By now you have kissed her lot and swirled the right ways. If you have four fingers in and she feels pained? She may not be able to take it. But if she tells you to keep going…. BE GENTLE. (fisting isn’t about punching a cunt, it’s about giving your lover her most FULL pleasure)

Step 8: This is the barrier. As you put in your four fingers, continue to use your thumb until you can get it in as well. Keep in mind you haven’t made a fist yet. It’s fingers and a thumb, slowly sliding in. She should be squirming and moaning. She may even squirt a bit if you hit that spot.

Step 9: Gently tug your hand/wrist back but not out. That tiny tug? It’s going to make her gush a bit (making things easier). Now you can get just the bit deeper.

Step 10: When you are inside? Make a fist. She WILL cum on you whether she wants to or not. At least that has been my experience. Whether done to me or by me.

Step 11: Don’t pull out with a fist. She could tear if she isn’t used the that. Flex and release inside her until she is creaming all over you and then slowly pull your hand out.

I have never pulled out with a fist made. I usually flex and relax my fist until the girl has flooded my face with everything she has to offer me.Then, I gently and slowly extract my hand while I cover the rest of her body with kisses, licks and cuddles.

And that my friends is your fisting lesson!


Using My Words

I’ve spent a fair bit of time writing to Paul’s lawyer. I felt he was siding with the prosecution.  HE referred to Paul as a ‘freeman’ in court (the ultimate Alberta dirty word).

Paul gave me POA to speak for him a long time ago. I tried to contact the lawyer through his assistant to get more information. It was minimal. When I finally got ahold of the lawyer?  He agued with me about my thoughts about the case. It became obvious to me, quickly, he was only reading the prosecutions side.

I have no legal background. I may have heard a lot of legal/lawful rhetoric through people I know,  but it sure doesn’t make me think I know the law or legal system.

And when I WON my own legal battle on the same issue?  I am NOT ashamed to admit I walked into that court room and played every card I could. I won on emotion. I don’t know enough about law except to ask questions. And the prosecution couldn’t answer my legitimate questions.

I directed them to the judge.

“Why is this  taking so long? I’ve wanted to resolve this since the day I turned myself in for arrest, Your Honour. It was the court that forced me to get a lawyer when all I wanted to do was resolve this from day 1. The lawyer you made me get? He let me go when my co-accused fired his.  How is that fair to me, Your Honour? I asked our charges to be separated on my first appearance. The prosecution argued against that. Because the charges weren’t separated? I am being punished for my co-accused making a decision for himself. Now I am supposed to go to a trial I never wanted and face it without an attorney.  This seems like malicious prosecution.”

My court case was dealt with two days later. The judge ordered the prosecutor to meet with me outside the court and get some kind of agreement.  So we did.

I walked away with a $1000 fine and no criminal record. The prosecutor was fired.

Ironically, he’s a defense attorney now LOL

Today? I realized my words, written to Paul’s current lawyer or spoke over the phone with him? He read/heard them! He saw Paul’s heart. He knew where to look for info. He sees Paul in a different light.

He took the spirit of my words to the prosecutor and convinced him Paul is not the political person or freeman that he is being accused of. With those accusations out of the way (coupled with evidence I provided of Paul’s not-Freeman stance) – he’s getting time served next Monday!

He’ll be home next week because of my words. No threats. No violence. Just words.

Genuine words of honest. Even if you are wrong in the eyes of others, you  can use words and passion to prove your point. Words and passion with the right heart? That has gotten me far further than anything!


Taking Pills

I don’t pop pills. People can barely get me to take a Tyelenol when I am in extreme pain. but today I am taking an anxiety one.
Even all alone in my RV? I freak out over TV shows. My head can’t relax at all. Ruminating thoughts and bad imaginations have my heart pounding over ‘thoughts’, not reality. Everything seems to amp me up. I can’t calm at all.
I am so fucked up. Enough they give me pills.
I hate pills. I don’t want to put them in my mouth. I’m stupid for the next lil’ bit because my head won’t function. No thinking. No real function on the ‘pams. (lorazepam, diazepam, clinazepam….)
Ativan  is the one they prescribe me because of my stomach issues and it is sublingual. It dissolves under my tongue. It’s in the Lorazepam family. As much as I hate them? They work when I need. Previous doctors tried to give me a prescription where I was to take 2mgs three times a day. But that was way too much. I was practically a vegetable.
My new doctor told me they don’t like to prescribe that. We discussed it. He agreed on the script after speaking about it. It was my best choice! But then he tried to prescribe 2mgs three times a day (sorta like every other doc).
Why is it I need to explain to doctors repeatedly that my body doesn’t handle pills the same way? Did he not read my chart? Has he not taken my history?

I told him 2mgs three times a day was way too much for me.  I asked for .5mgs only as needed.  As needed, not regular. He was impressed and gave me what I needed. 30 pills? Lasted me six months because I only take them as needed.

I really hate these pills. I hate anything that numbs my emotions and thinking.
However? When my thinking goes ruminating and my emotions take hold without my ability to stop them? These .5mgs of Ativan? They kept me sane and not needing to suck a wine bottle.


Ahhh, my  BC BF (Bible College Boy Friend)!

Just, wow. I can’t believe how many people who have re-connected with me because they randomly saw my blog (not FB friends, just total random).

Long lost relatives, years ago friends, even a couple health care peeps who still wanted to know how I am. My anesthesiologist from my first surgery recognized me and connected. Bizarre.
But, the Bjorkian (he introduced me to Bjork and I am protecting his privacy so that is his nickname!). My first real BF.
I had a first kiss before him but his was the first from a ‘boyfriend’, not just a “boy or girl”. He drew happy faces on my first ever anti-depressants so I’d take them. (tiny little ‘happy’ pills) He made me laugh. He introduced me to Bjork and European fashion. He’s the first guy I spent a night in a hotel with even though we never touched. (Edmonton Mall Fantasy Suite)
Why is HE the special one? He was the first person who saw past my size. He showed genuine interest in me when I was gigantic. Other people in our college pulled him aside and told him they were impressed he would see past my size to go out with me. I was slightly devastated to learn that, after the fact, but so happy he stood up for me when they said their cruel remarks.
We broke up because we weren’t ‘right’. I know that and I have no regrets. He was the first man who saw into my soul and cared. He loved me. I know he does still. In the way it was meant to be. As heart felt friends.
He told me today he missed the years without contact. He is in a happy, loving relationship with his partner. I am so happy for him. But I am also so happy to have heard from him.
Some long lost friends? Only make life better when you’ve finally retrieved them from the awful past and brought them back to life in your life. I’m so glad to have him back in my life.

Skeletons In My Closet

I had nightmares as a child. Some of them still torment me.

When I started to wake up, at around ten years old,  and see the ‘skeletons in my closet’, hanging there? Or the clothes on hooks on fire? My parents called the church elders. They prayed over me and tried to exorcise my demons.

Nothing changed except me hiding my dreams and fears. I think that is sort of a breeding ground for anxiety, eh?

My closet skeletons are real. Not real ghosts, or even real issues. Just the skeletons, dreams, fears, anxieties…..

I still wake up shaking to those tormenting dreams. They range now. Sometimes it is the skeletons chasing me through a jail that is on fire. Other times (and much more often) is the flying/falling nightmare. Or being trapped in a car that is on a tight wire and I fall out. But mostly the flying/falling dream.

The flying/falling one. It’s the one that terrifies me most. If I am lucky enough to wake up during it I can’t go back to sleep. I keep myself awake purposely so I won’t slip back into the nightmare. It’s different every time but I am always somehow lifted high in the air but then I crash back to wherever. It so terrifies me that Paul has woken me up mid-dream before because he could tell I was in distress in my sleep.

The church elders? Pray and anoint me all they want? They never managed to get rid of the skeletons in my closet. I just learned to live with them.


Letter To A Lawyer

I finally got a hold of Paul’s lawyer today. We argued on the phone and he yelled at me and made me cry so I told him I would have to call him back. Instead, I sent him this email.
I want to thank you for taking my call today. I know, because of my health issues, I can be aggressive and combative. I appreciate your patience with me as I try to express my concerns in ‘not the best fashion’.

Whether you believe it or not? You and I are probably on the same page about Paul.

But, neither Paul or I understand legal process. I don’t understand why this is taking SO long. When I went through this process and my lawyer quit, all I had to do was go into the court, explain my situation and ask the judge WHY it was taking so long. My case was resolved within three days, without a trial and no criminal record (a fine), because the judge made the prosecutor resolve it with me. I told the judge I felt like I was being prosecuted maliciously.

Paul wants resolution. Even if they ask for a year because they are saying he pointed a weapon at someone? (which NEVER happened, I was present at the confrontation with Mr. Wohlgumeth, the trapper was the only one with weapons)…. he’s been in jail for over six months. At 2:1 for time served hasn’t he been in there long enough? Who are they saying he pointed a gun at? I don’t even understand that charge.

And, respectfully, why doesn’t Paul know what his charges are that he is pleading guilty to? If he is being accused of pointing a gun at someone, shouldn’t he be allowed to know who is making that accusation and answer to it? Can we find a way to communicate these things more?

He’s been a model inmate. He’s never caused a problem and when enticed into criminal activity (he got told he had to smash a skinner out) he found a way around it without being involved. But he can’t handle that kind of pressure. He’s peaceful and being confronted by violence every day is killing him. It’s so wrong what happens to people inside.

Paul is legitimately remorseful. He only wanted to buy land and he felt it was real. They (the sellers) are the ones who defended him in court the first time and told him it was finished and he could leave the province. He wants NO claim to the land, he is willing to give over all the paperwork and any information about the people who sold the land titles. There are over 500 sections that were sold. Paul was just the first to move in.The courts make him out to be some kind of ringleader but he’s just the guinea pig that got sacrificed. He will never go back. His remorse is genuine.

Even with all of that? We don’t understand. WHY isn’t the prosecution getting back to you with the actual charges? Why isn’t this in sentencing? All Paul wants is resolution and a date he can come home to help me because I am sick.

We just want to know the date. When do I need to hang on until. WHY isn’t this being resolved. We just don’t get it. He is cooperating. I’ve given you all kinds of information about mitigating circumstances. You told me in November he would be home soon and it doesn’t look like he will be here any time soon.

I need him home. YOU are a defense lawyer. I’ve seen career criminals get less time for worse things. This IS ALL POLITICS. They are trying to punish him for their perceived beliefs. How is it you can’t help them see that? (I mean that very respectfully and not in an accusing tone)

I NEED him to come home. I’ve tried to find other health care but I need my partner. The one who has lived with my illness for the past years and can care for me in the middle of the night. I need him.

He is a non-violent person who is willing to comply with whatever they ask. They say he used a gun for whatever but he didn’t. When they came to arrest him he offered them coffee, not bullets. He is not the horrible monster they are making him out to be and holding him for. And I need him home to me. For my health. Please, Mr Teskey, please….  armed robbers get less time. Please get him home to me.

I fucking hate lawyers!


I’ve discovered a new series on Netflix. Jane the Virgin!

So what is a Telenovela? It’s kind of a genre of TV.

A telenovela (/ˌtɛlənˈvɛlə/ or /ˌtɛlənəˈvɛlə/; is a type of limited-run serial drama originally produced in Latin America that has become popular in European, Asian, and other global television networks. The word combines tele, short for televisión or televisão (Spanish and Portuguese words for television), and novela, a Spanish and Portuguese word for “novel”.

So it’s kind of like a version of a Spanish over-the-top soap opera. But usually more short run. It’s all type B actors, horrible scenery and the craziest of the crazy dialogue. (I watched a few real ones in this research)

Jane the Virgin uses this genre to poke fun at the genre itself. The premise is a Catholic, old-fashioned girl, raised by her single mom and Abuela. She resigns herself to stay a virgin until married but then gets, accidentally, artificially inseminated while going for a pap smear! There ends up being scandal, intrigue, a mysterious long lost father who happens to be an International star on a telenovela, lots of subtitles because Abuela only speaks Spanish..  Total Telenovela genre. And it has me so captivated!

If you are looking for something new and off the beaten path to watch? I highly recommend Jane the Virgin! I liked it right from the first episode. Charming, funny and definitely a different genre.