I look back on my posts frequently. And by frequently? I mean I read them over and over in some OCD fashion as a way of trying to figure myself out. Probably not the best therapy plan but Tobey has been away and I haven’t seen my therapist in weeks.
I’ve been writing a lot about sex and jail. Not me. I need to focus on me.
Here’s the ‘state of the union of Shaunda’:
- Everything in my trailer is falling apart at every turn. Leaky roof, backed up plumbing, frozen water lines, not stabilized or level and my latch on my fridge broke so it is being held shut with gorilla tape.
- I am depressed. I know this because I am ignoring things like self care, proper eating and house-cleaning. I spend at least 16 hours a day sleeping and I only care enough about that to recognize what is happening. I have no desire to end it. Give me a housecoat and a remote control, some cheese and a box of wine. I feel done right now.
- I am still waking up around 3am approximately five nights a week with that gut wrenching kind of contraction in my stomach where I wretch for hours with nothing coming up. I’m losing sleep which means all my other health stuff crops up.
- For example, my leg pain! The orthopedic surgeon agreed with me that surgery should be a last option but then tried to give me pills. We compromised on me getting an orthopedic brace instead of Oxy. Fuck.
- I am not doing anything spiritually and I feel that. It’s BAD. I need to focus on it. I NEED to focus on my healing and my soul energy. Drumming. Magic. Art
- It’s not all bad 🙂 I have been going for walks. About 45 mins every two days. Exercise is good and I live in paradise!
I have a lot of good going on! I love this new park. I feel secluded but the staff here make me feel so welcome. Neighbours are friendly but keep their distance (I like that). I have a lot to be grateful for in my life.
Especially that I get to see Tobey in two days and talk some of this shit out!