Taking Pills

I don’t pop pills. People can barely get me to take a Tyelenol when I am in extreme pain. but today I am taking an anxiety one.
Even all alone in my RV? I freak out over TV shows. My head can’t relax at all. Ruminating thoughts and bad imaginations have my heart pounding over ‘thoughts’, not reality. Everything seems to amp me up. I can’t calm at all.
I am so fucked up. Enough they give me pills.
I hate pills. I don’t want to put them in my mouth. I’m stupid for the next lil’ bit because my head won’t function. No thinking. No real function on the ‘pams. (lorazepam, diazepam, clinazepam….)
Ativan  is the one they prescribe me because of my stomach issues and it is sublingual. It dissolves under my tongue. It’s in the Lorazepam family. As much as I hate them? They work when I need. Previous doctors tried to give me a prescription where I was to take 2mgs three times a day. But that was way too much. I was practically a vegetable.
My new doctor told me they don’t like to prescribe that. We discussed it. He agreed on the script after speaking about it. It was my best choice! But then he tried to prescribe 2mgs three times a day (sorta like every other doc).
Why is it I need to explain to doctors repeatedly that my body doesn’t handle pills the same way? Did he not read my chart? Has he not taken my history?

I told him 2mgs three times a day was way too much for me.  I asked for .5mgs only as needed.  As needed, not regular. He was impressed and gave me what I needed. 30 pills? Lasted me six months because I only take them as needed.

I really hate these pills. I hate anything that numbs my emotions and thinking.
However? When my thinking goes ruminating and my emotions take hold without my ability to stop them? These .5mgs of Ativan? They kept me sane and not needing to suck a wine bottle.
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