Arrival Anxiety

Paul will be home next week.

Re-capping for those who haven’t read the history? Paul and I split up last March. We went back and forth trying to work on things. We were still separated when he went back to Alberta to face his court charges.  We both wanted to work things out but I needed more time and space.

I guess I got what I wished for.

He was re-arrested last August (2016).  He’s been in jail since. I have had all the time and space I need to think and make my decisions. I’ve gotten therapy. He’s made apologies and plans for how to change when he gets home. I trust him on that. I believe when he gets home we will continue to move forward in our healing. We’ve developed a lot in our communication while we’ve been working on ‘us’ for almost a year.

But I am me. All anxiety all the time. I have so many fears about this.

I made my space into my own when he left. I didn’t anticipate sharing this space again. It’s MINE and I don’t want to change it in any way. I am comfortable in my space, finally, and I won’t relinquish it. However? I don’t want him to feel like a ‘guest’ in my space. As much as I need it to continue to be mine? I want him to feel at home. Those conflicting thoughts are fucking with me.

He told me he knows I did a lot to make it my space and he has no intention of trying to make change. He wants to make sure I am still in MY home until such a time we find a bigger space and it is ‘ours’. Until then? My space, my way.

That is somewhat comforting but also makes me feel so selfish in needing things my way.

Another big anxiety? Food.

I have digestive health issues that prevent me from eating huge amounts and certain types of food. Alone? My grocery budget is about $200/month (and that is with extravagant treats and includes things like cleaning supplies).

Paul is a meat n potatoes guy. He eats way more than me. Our budget for food together was always closer to $600. I can’t afford that. It’s one of the huge issues that broke us up. Always being broke and him hungry.

I talked to him about it. I told him my general menu has changed. I eat a lot of slow cooker soup and things that are cheaper to make. Not the steak, roast or stew he is used to me making (that I also choke on and can’t get down). The upside is way more veggies in the diet.

He agreed to the change in diet and cooking. I think jail showed him that a hearty soup is better than stale PB&J. He told me he is willing to compromise.

In the beginning of this, Paul agreed to go to couples counseling when he gets out. I have not reminded him recently but I made that a condition of him returning to live with me.  I am worried he will try to fight me on the issue and it will be point of contention.

I need the joint counseling. I wanted him to get personal counseling as well but I compromised on the joint counseling. I already compromised on this. If he backs out of the joint counseling I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

And not that he has said anything about backing out. But he hasn’t said anything about moving forward with it and when I bring up counseling he seems to react like it’s not necessary for him. That spikes my anxiety about his return.

I’m anxious about the smallness of space. And that he needs quiet to sleep while I need background noise. And how quickly he will be able to find work. And how we will get around to appointments he needs to get to in order to re-establish.

OMG. It’s so overwhelming.

I have talked to him about a bit of it. He knows my anxiety is at an all time high because he is coming home.

He keeps re-assuring me. He doesn’t want to change MY space. He wants to find work and make sure we can find a bigger space that we can furnish and build together. He understands my food budget and will find work as soon as possible to contribute to the budget.

How is it that I can tell him all my anxiety, he responds with all the right answers (and I believe him) but I still can’t shake this anxiety?




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