How is Shaunda?
‘Coping’ the best is the best way to explain.
I am presenting well. Continually reminding myself of all the good things about having Paul home. Like, his company. I missed how much we laughed together. And he gives me foot rubs and leg rubs. He makes sure I have what I need at any time ‘physically’. If I am puking? He is helping.
He is keeping his promise to get things about his life set back up as quickly as possible so he can be working and we can have a bigger space.
Focusing my energy on helping him maneuver his way through the system and re-establishing himself as ‘Joe Citizen’ has helped me keep from ruminating about other things. I’m thankful for everything he is doing to keep his commitments to me, to us and to our future.
In other words, he isn’t the one bringing stress to the situation. He is doing everything he can to recognize my weaknesses/anxiety triggers. He doesn’t judge me for them, but helps me with them.
And here I sit anxious and panicking over things that are small on the grand scale of things but are so important to me.
The main source of my inner angst? Food. Not necessarily how much we are going through, although the consumption triples when he is here, but the kind of foods we are eating and frequency. I am concerned about the amount I am eating because it’s not healthy for me. I just tend to eat more when I cook meals for another person.
Yes, I’ve reverted back to cooking meals at regular mealtimes. And they are heavy meals. Stew, chili, lots of meat and things that take prep time. It feels like if I am not eating I am planning or prepping for the next meal. It’s the focus of my day. I had gotten used to snack eating. Some salmon jerky here, crackers n cheese there. If I had a ‘meal’ it was usually from a restaurant and I could eat off the leftovers for three days. But now I am eating real meals every day. I don’t enjoy the way I am eating. It leaves me sluggish, and fat feeling, so the only energy I have is to cook another meal.
Also, I’m drinking coffee every day, a habit I had gotten out of by simply not making it. Now I make coffee every morning for him and I was drinking some so it doesn’t get wasted. Sure enough I am up to two or three cups a day. I can feel the caffeine affecting my anxiety!
I feel sick and bloated constantly. I liked my mornings of juice and a yogurt.
It’s not that I want to deny him what he wants or needs in food requirements. He would starve on what I eat after all. And we can’t afford to shop for groceries for both styles of eating. So I am shopping/cooking for ‘us’ in a way more suited to his needs. It’s more expensive, it’s not food I enjoy eating regularly and I feel sick from it.
We’ve talked about the ‘how much we eat’ issue and the fact we can’t afford it until he is working. We’re at the point we need to ration or end up going days without at the end of the month so we are cutting back.
You’d think that would ease the stress but for me it doesn’t. Now I am anxious about food and worried we will lose patience with each other in the face of the stress. That sort of anxiety weighs on me to the point I project it and cause the problem I am worried about.
I’m feeling my tension building. I know I can talk to Paul about this, he will be kind and understanding, but I still get so afraid of the conversation that I leave it too long.
AUTHORS NOTE: It’s been a few days since writing this but I waited to post it. We are getting through things well. It’s only one more week until we have some additional money coming in and we will be able to work out a grocery list/budget that suits both our needs and our budget! ❤