I wasn’t paying too much attention to my drinking while Paul was away. I kind of let go and went overboard more than I wanted. I’ve put some thought into ‘why’ I let it escalate.
Stress was a huge factor. Being without Paul, his lawyer giving us the constant runaround and not knowing when Paul would be back. Sadness was another factor. I went through a few losses in those months. Boredom or feeling cooped up.
I know my excessive drinking has been a source of Paul and I’s past trouble. I made some focused efforts on cutting back the month before he came home because I knew I wanted to drink less when he got home.
And at first when he arrived I was doing well. I kept drinking from being an everyday activity. I focused my attention on re-connecting with Paul and really enjoyed it.
But here I am 6 weeks later, once again struggling with daily cravings. And I am always finding ways to give in to them.
Last night I drank way too much. Paul and I argued. I don’t even know what I said because I was black out drunk, something that is rare for me. I know I hurt him but don’t know how to begin to apologize. I want to talk about why I got upset but I can’t recall what set me off.
So, I’m feeling a great deal of shame today. And even though I have spent the morning reading and researching different things I can do to help myself quit? I still want a fucking drink. Once again I’m struggling with ‘how’ to gain control over this issue.
I’ll have to talk to Paul about it, obviously, and that has me emotionally terrified. I feel shameful, remorseful and sad. But I have been before. Why should be forgive me again? I worry that Paul will begin to wonder why he should stay. And that I won’t able to give him a good reason.
I feel like I am terrible person and I wish those feelings were enough to get me to the place where I can make change. Instead of wallowing in them until I drink them away.