Depression is a beast. Couple it with anxiety that inhibits you and physical disabilities that prevent you from managing it through the regular avenues of medication. (ie. I can’t take anti-depressants because of side affects) What do you do?
I was talking about that with Paul today. When you face days and days of not being able to do anything… how do you cope? When I say days of not doing anything, I mean even showering. (holy hell how does he put up with me? I wonder some days)
As soon as I ask the question, I am chastising myself in my head. I don’t do days of NOTHING. Well, I do. I have plans to do things but most days only accomplish doing dishes and making meals. Some days? Not even that. Occasionally I manage showers.
Tobey, my counselor, who I’ve neglected to see because I’m in this depression mode, would tell me that any accomplishment means something.
If all I did was shower after three days of neglect I can be proud that I took some time for self care. If I made a meal instead of eating chips? I can be proud I took the time to take care of myself. If I go outside my home for a walk, no matter how long, I should be proud I took time to exercise.
I so frequently neglect to see the small steps.
It’s when you see all the small steps together that you get the overall picture.
The mental health side of things is rearing it’s head because I am faced with a lot of travel and appointments for my physical disabilities. I hate travel (I don’t drive and I am a bad passenger). I have anxiety breakdowns meeting new people, especially doctors.
I’m in a funk. Not really depressed but mentally stressed. My anxiety is high. I have had a lot of doctor appointments lately and some hospital type tests coming up.
I’m grateful my new surgeon is so cool. Very down to earth and made me feel relaxed immediately in her office. I am grateful for Paul, coming with me to my appointments when I need and for helping me to de-stress afterward. I’m grateful for my friend, Jeff, who can drive me so I don’t have to travel to these appointments with strangers.
Overall though? I’ve made it through a couple weeks of appointments and phone calls. I’m feeling the stress but I am hanging on.
Hanging on is an accomplishment. Right?