I’m a person who needs their space. I can go days on end, alone, and be perfectly comfortable in it.
Social anxiety kinda enhances that.
As much as I love Paul with my entire heart? He’s been back for two months and we have had very little time apart. And I haven’t had more than two hours alone in my space in that time.
Let me explain.
Since Paul has been home? He has kept every promise and worked on every thing he needs to for us to be together and get ahead. He’s gotten all the ID, gone to every appointment and been a total champ about all of it. However, because my friend is the driver and I usually want to do other errands on the same trip, I tag along.
There are steps in all these processes that take time. Therefore, Paul has not started working yet.
He set up his ID, filed taxes, updated bank account, researched available work opportunities and put thought into transportation and equipment needed for current job offers (we have no car and he needs work clothes). It takes more time than you think. But he’s on step “getting transportation” because several people are offering work and we live kilometres away from it.
(By working on “getting transportation”, I mean, he is on the highway as I write this to go and reclaim the possessions taken by government in Alberta. He has a truck and a $5K mountain bike they are returning. The transportation step is legitimately in the works.)
In the meantime while he’s been working on it all? He’s been here. All the time. I have no alone time in my own space. It’s a small space to begin with so that makes it doubly difficult.
I was wondering why I was starting to get resentful. I mean, he is doing everything he said he would. He is doing it as quickly as possible. He’s already contributing in financial ways without having found work (backpaid GST type stuff). But I was starting to get anger anxiety about it.
As first I thought it was because he was simply here. But how could that be? I love him and he is doing everything he said he would. And more.
However, when he goes to his things? I go along to do errands! My choice, because, it saves our friend a trip driving. However it means we’re both out n about.
When I get a ride to the doctor or the pharmacy or hospital tests? I don’t bring Paul with me. If I go for a walk to get wine? I do it to get some space. If my pal takes me to town for groceries? Paul’s attendance isn’t needed.
I’ve come to realize it is because Paul has been getting alone time in my space that I haven’t been getting and need so badly. Time I CRAVE. It’s jealously, not resentment.
Right now? He’s on the road! A boy’s trip to get belongings in another province. Paul is getting his bike back.
Ahhh! Not only does this mean I have the next 48 to 72 hours alone in my own space (for the first time in forever)? He is bringing back his pride and joy. It will not only be transportation but he has already researched local trails within 15 minute ride. He will be able to get to the work he’s been offered. And on his off time? He’ll be hitting the trails and pump tracks.
I feel a sincere sense of relief. I have some time for me over the next couple days. I know I’ll have a lot more ‘me’ time soon. It’s amazing how that let’s any kind of resentment and/or jealousy slide away.