The Days You Want To Die

If you are dealing with depression or anxiety you get it. We all have them.

They are the days you wake up and think nothing is worth it anymore. Try or not? No one gets you. They think they understand…

“I get sad, too.” “We’ve all lost things in our life.” “If you just think more positive…” “I don’t like shopping on busy days either”

That one got to me.

You don’t like shopping on busy days so you think you understand me?

Until you have collapsed in the middle of the cracker isle, unable to move because you can’t afford your meds to deal with this kind of situation, you have no idea what I go through!

Anxiety is a bitch!

People who don’t have mental health issues seldom understand. You know. The ones who love us but don’t have our mental health issues.

They try so hard. But sometimes? In not understanding they do more harm than good. And when you feel so misunderstood you just feel like, “why go on?”

I going to end this by saying… I am not feeling suicidal. Please don’t panic.

But if anyone who reads my blog ever feels that way? Just know that someone out there understands. No one is ever alone. We all have days that death may seem like our best option.

You don’t need to feel that way. I struggle sometimes to find reasons to go on. I find them and you can, too.

If you ever need to know that someone in the world gives a shit about you? Send me a message with your address and I will send you a handwritten note so you know someone heard you and thinks of you and wishes you well.

Please, stay alive on the days you want to die. You’ve got this!

Advertisements

Narcissistic, Selfish, Cunt

I’ve been called this regularly. I made a half hearted joke about it yesterday.. “oh yeah, I’m just a narcissistic, selfish cunt”. He replied that I wasn’t a cunt.

What is a narcissist?

Nar·cis·sist

noun: narcissist; plural noun: narcissists

Less Drowning, More Air

So, I’m still an alcoholic. The idea of giving up wine to go sky-diving (I Need Air) seemed easier after some glasses of wine than it actually is or will be.

BUT? I decided to start the saving journey AFTER my payday. Payday was four day’s ago. I also decided it is okay to have wine, but when I forego it I should put money in the envelope!

Since then?

Usually I buy a box of wine on payday. This particular day? I chose to buy a small bottle and put the difference in my ‘air’ fund. I’ve drank on other days and no money went in.

But yesterday? Paul and I were on a walk. I had money on my pocket because we walked the direction of the wine store. He had his bike so he could show me some of his tricks, etc.

After a bit I told him I was too tired in the hot sun to keep going. He offered to ride up to the wine store and get some for us. I gave him the cash I had and he asked me if I wanted the big bottle or small one.

I really wanted the big one. Really!!

But I told him to get me a small one. And I came home and put another $5 in my air fund.

I guess I am not giving up wine. But I am willing to make choices to have less wine to slowly make sure my dreams come true.

Four days, $30 saved toward air.

 

 

Maybe We Are Changing

When Paul left yesterday he was in a bad mood. It sparked me thinking about how to talk to him. (How Do You Have That Talk)

Then he came home, tired and in pain from his workday, and his first words were an apology for how he left in the morning. He knew it upset me. He explained it was the pain (which I totally understand) and every bit of anxiety I was feeling about the situation melted away.

The other day he told me it was bothering him how much time I spend with my other friend and that him and I hardly ever just hang out anymore. So I made a point of setting aside time for him on his days off this weekend. I listened, instead of getting defensive I just tried to help relieve his angst about it.

This morning he woke up in a bad way because of being woken by the cat. He is overtired and in pain. It’s his second week at a new job, manual labour, and he bikes an hour each way to be able to do it. I completely understand why being woken by the cat would be a piss off.

When he started to include me in his anger by insinuating I didn’t quiet her properly? It felt like yesterday. So I spoke up. I told him I wasn’t the problem and didn’t deserve to be talked to that way. And would he like me to make him a coffee and some breakfast?

He was quiet for a bit but then suggested a plan. We should close the blinds at night so the cat can’t watch the birds at 5am and go crazy meowing. I told him that’s a great idea and we’ll try it!

His anger melted away as did any anxiety that was creeping in my brain.

He’s still tired and sore and not looking forward to a 10hr day (including his bike ride) but he’s doing it anyway. I managed to coax a few smiles out of him before he left.

Maybe we don’t need some giant talk as long as we are both still working toward changing to be better people and talking about the small stuff as it happens.

Confrontational Bravery

I hate confrontation of any kind. It can be about approaching someone about something kind I want to do… I still get anxiety!

I went up to pay my rent the other day. When I moved in I was under the impression it was a monthly rate. I’ve paid the same rate every month for the past eight. I was given six months notice the rent doubles in the prime months (two months I have already been planning for).

You can imagine my surprise when I was told, by the newly re-hired manager, they don’t pro-rate. On months there are 31 days, and because May had 31 days, my rent would be an extra $17.50.

Not being confrontational I simply paid it without reacting.

What I wanted to say?

“Are you serious? I have lived here as a good tenant for over six months. No complaints. Rent paid in full every month.

No one ever said my monthly rate was pro-rated and no one ever charged me anything additional for 31 day months. You gave six months notice for the July/August rent increase but you give me thirty seconds at the time I was paying about the extra day? You charged me an extra day because May has 31 days as I was paying June rent? You’ve decided to spring this on your tenants after you have had them without amenities for six weeks with no idea of when they will be back?  You decide NOW is a good time to jack the rent by one day every 31 day month?

(I moved in partly for the laundry and being close to a convenience store. They had a flood that made it I have to pay extra gas money to be driven for laundry and there is no store until renovated)

Fine. Prices are subject to change without notice and I have no contract because I choose this lifestyle. I paid your fee. But when I move in two weeks? I don’t pro-rate either… “

That’s what I wish I had said.

What I did do? I waited two days to calm my shit (I have PMS and am prone to emotional outbursts over perceived slights), collected my thoughts and then, today, while checking my mail? I casually asked a staff member who was present at the time I was charged the extra if that was standard procedure. She reassured me they don’t pro-rate.

I told her I found it surprising because I thought with my extended stay it was “my set rate” and I had never been charged more. I told her I understood changes happen but I was disappointed there wasn’t more notice. And that it was charged extra for a 31 day month that was previous to the one I was actually paying for.

By the end of choking that out? I did have a couple unrestrained tears coming out. I wasn’t crying, it’s how my body squishes out the anxiety when I feel like I can’t just be anxious. She told me she will talk to the other manager about it.

I can’t believe that I really calmly, despite a couple tears, told someone about my concern. No over reacting. I don’t expect they will change a policy. I’m sure I’ll be paying the extra $17.50/month for all the 31 day months.

But I had enough courage today to make sure my voice was heard about that situation! I managed confrontation that made me feel so angry inside by simply expressing my thoughts in a rational manner.

More importantly than my not losing it on someone over it? I actually voiced myself in the middle of my anxiety and fear of confrontation!

 

 

How Do You Have That Talk?

Since Paul has returned? Things have been rocky.

We have our good times, which are very good times, but we also have had our arguments. They seem to span time. Not all has been forgiven (on either side) and things raise their ugly head.

So we fight. Very hurtful things are said, we both misunderstand each other and things are said/done that can’t be taken back. Forgiven? Maybe if they didn’t keep happening (again, on both sides). We go through a couple of days where ‘he is leaving but needs to figure out his plan’. We sleep in separate beds and barely talk but we are civil.

Then one of us reaches out. I fill his empty water glass, he offers to rub my feet, or basically, we find ways to care for the other. We begin to talk. We’re both sexual. Over a couple of days of being kind and friendly? It leads to sex (that has never been an issue for us). We have a post fight honeymoon phase.

And it confuses everything. He wrote me a note the other day about how it confuses him as well. It’s not just me.

Why is there always a ‘honeymoon’? Oh my gods the good times! The laughter, the sex and just the genuine enjoyment of each others company is enough to keep us both coming back for more. There are a lot of tangible ways we take care of each other on a daily basis that we don’t want to live without. Doing those things and being in those times makes both of us very happy in an otherwise somewhat depressing existence.

Honeymoons end. We open up, talk about the issues and both say we’ll try, again, to be what the other needs. In the end? It always leads to us hurting each other somehow. Things get said that can’t be unsaid.  You can’t just erase them. Especially when they keep coming back repeatedly.

And to be perfectly frank – I can’t handle that part anymore. The wounds are deep enough they don’t heal before the next fight. I live in anxiety of wondering when the next fight will happen and how it will come on. He could have a bad mood for perfectly normal/acceptable reasons but as soon as I sense it? My anxiety spikes, putting me on edge and making me more prone to over reacting and my own reaction issues. I end up creating the situation I am fearing by being ‘upset, with bad timing’ (that’s the best way I can describe it).

It’s not his fault I react to his bad moods like an abused animal. That is my anxiety and my previous history with guys. But my reaction doesn’t help the situation for sure. It’s just beyond my control. I won’t feel bad for it anymore.

How do I have this talk with him? I’m afraid.

I don’t know how to talk to him about how I’m living a wounded life which is damaging my spirit. That the hurt has become too much and the recovery time too little. I can’t bring myself to bring this conversation up and I am not sure why.

Maybe it’s because I know he is hurting as well. I don’t want to add to his hurt and it makes me afraid to talk to him about my own. We both know the other is hurting. “Why” we are hurting has been discussed to death. We aren’t going into a conversation blindsided by the other.

As far as having actual ‘conversation’ vs. fighting? He is the BF I have had the MOST success with. When we set our minds to talking open and honest? We have great talks and we make strides.

This morning as he left for work was rough because he was in pain. His demeanor and body language, without any kind of argument between us, was enough to make me anxious. Stomping, slamming the door and tossing his bike around the yard? He was so angry about going to work in pain. When he left I was shaking.

It made me realize we need to talk. But say what? The same old doesn’t seem to be working for either of us. How do I have this talk?

 

 

Growing My Potted Garden

outdoor garden

Where I lived last year the owner fenced in an entire section of raised garden beds for me. This summer I don’t have the luxury of that kind of space but I think I managed to pull off a nice little planter garden!

tomatoes  peas  potatoes

 

herb ladder planter parsley

Tomatoes, peas, potatoes, peppers, spinach, lettuce and a plethora of delightful herbs including parsley, basil, marjoram, lavender and catnip. I have marigolds placed about to help with bug control and other flowers to attract bees.

flowers

I started early and already I harvested spinach, basil and parsley for my homemade pasta sauce today.

garden to table

This summer my garden may be a little on the smaller side but it is still growing like gangbusters and it makes my yard look so pretty!

Care Cards

I wonder sometimes where my obsession for sending mail to people by post (that tangible real mail they can touch with my own handwriting) comes from. Why? Why send a card just to say I am thinking of you? No news, just … I thought of you today.

I send them as often as I can to anyone who will give me an address. Why?

Care Cards!

When I was in Bible College we had student mail boxes. Beside them was a rack of blank cards called Care Cards. Did someone help you? Did you think someone gave a great insight in class? Did someone get some sad mail and need a boost?

Care cards were there to send that message. You could sign it or not. If you didn’t really know the person but wanted to send them some love you could look their mailbox number up on the board and just stuff in a care card.

Care cards are the first place I found some real self esteem. I was overweight and not the most outgoing. I stuck to a close group of people who weren’t the cool crowd. Somewhere along the way people started to notice me.

Maybe it was that I smiled at people even if I didn’t talk. It could be my dorm mates just saw me differently after living with me…  I’m not sure.

By the time I was done my first year at Briercrest? My entire dorm room was wall papered with Care Cards. With every expression of gratitude for a kindness I never realized I gave and every thought for my well being? I learned people love me for who I am.

Bible College was the first place I never ‘faked it’. Still people cared.

I was so troubled back then. Not even 18 and fresh out of high school.  Homesick. Sexually confused. A bit suicidal.

Every care card got me through another day. The people who sent them to me, anonymous or otherwise, have no idea how they impacted a scared teenage girl.

Pretty sure I just figured out where my penchant for sending postal love comes from 😉

 

 

 

Painting A Fence

I wish I had a phone right now so I could’ve taken pictures.

Today, I painted a fence. Someone in a local group on Facebook put it out there, “My client needs some help painting a fence. They are willing to pay $20/hr. Is anyone available.”

Not having anything to do today? I replied (tagging a friend FB style)… “Jeff, are you free today? I know you like piece work. I would do it but I don’t have transport.”

Between the three of us? Jeff was available. He agreed to take me with him so I could earn a little cash. We agreed to do it as two people for the same pay. A bit of cash for each.

And today I painted a fence.

It took all of two hours between four people.

The wonderful young woman who was looking for help? She’s so pregnant and supposed to be feet up! Her retired parents were the other two making up the four with myself and Jeff.

What a terrific time we had painting that fence. We all bantered and chattered back and forth. We talked about Ireland, living in the Canadian prairies,  life on the Island as being ‘new to the island’. Where we lived before and all our adventures.

Two hours later I was $30 richer in pocket but 100% fuller in heart. It was the most loveliest of ways to earn a buck today!

Painting a fence. Who knew it would lead to such a heartfelt day?

Cleansing

I have a stretch of time alone in my space today. I thought of all the things I could do, some things that need to be done because they have been neglected. It felt very overwhelming at first and I had no idea where to begin. My thoughts were running around so much I couldn’t concentrate and it made me feel like I would spend the whole day in anxiety, failing at accomplishing anything with my precious alone time.

When my mind is clouded by rampaging thoughts and I feel like they are engulfing my spirit the starting point is cleansing. So I set about clearing the negative energy and purifying my space.

I started with quiet reflection and setting the intention to cleanse the energy in my space and clear my mind. I meditated to some Celtic music and afterward I smudged my space with Sage as I danced, unclothed, around the entire trailer ensuring that I smudged every part. I focused on cleansing the negative energy and wishing a quiet, peaceful mind and heart for all who come into my home.

Afterward,  I lit a blue candle for peaceful energy and lavender incense for relaxation.

What a release. And a perfect beginning.

Tidying up after my cleansing dance led to naturally taking up some of the tasks I had been avoiding so long. I dusted my living room and vacuumed very thoroughly. I washed down some of the furniture.

I moved on to the outdoors. I watered my garden and harvested some spinach for a sauce I am going to make.

Back indoors? I cleaned up my kitchen, did dishes and began preparing a feast of a dinner for tonight.

My mind isn’t perfectly clear of ruminating thoughts, par for the course with anxiety, but after today’s cleansing ritual I feel more focused than I was. I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. And I feel like I got some things accomplished today.