I haven’t written a lot about my relationship since Paul has gotten home. It’s been a bit complicated and I didn’t want to share our issues without his permission. It was only the other day we talked deeply enough I felt comfortable asking him if I could share our issues.
If you’ve read this blog from the beginning you know Paul and I broke up a little over a year ago. We lived apart under strained situations for six months before he was returned to Alberta to face some outstanding charges about land issues.
We were separated when he left. But he was abandoned by others and I am not the person who will let anyone be alone in the world.
While he spent the next months in jail we communicated by phone and letters. I agreed to have him come home to me and I moved to a place he could come home to. I gave conditions he agreed to. We prepared ourselves as much as we could for it.
However, no matter the intentions, no matter the amount of love…. there are so many complications when reuniting a couple apart for a year.
For example? I have an issue with ownership that is causing a problem.
I bought my space after we separated. I really have this sense of ownership like ‘it’s mine’ (almost like a toddler). I also have anxiety with a touch of the OCD. I sorta need things to be a certain way. However I am a coward. When things aren’t my way? I just get anxious instead of saying things. It lends to a build up of emotion.
That never goes well.
Also, Paul and I are both people who need a lot of space. No one can be alone in a RV.
I go out somewhat often with a friend of mine to do groceries and laundry. I get out but I feel like I never get to be alone. If I am out? I’m with a friend. Paul gets to be alone at home. In my space I should be able to be alone in!
Don’t get me wrong. He does go out. He has his appointments and job stuff but it feels like he is rarely out when I am home.
Then I get all jealous. I know it is ridiculous but I feel like, “How come he gets so much time alone (time I crave) in MY space?”
Then I feel guilty. Because of my materialism. Why is this MY space? Why can’t I just allow him to feel like it is his place too? Wouldn’t that make things easier? Why do I need to keep this my space even though I feel like I never get to be alone in it?
This is my anxiety.
It goes around and around in my head. I fight to make him feel welcome while I also try to assert my ownership. And I feel fucked in the head. And it plays out in my relationship.
This is just one issue. Not that there are numerous issues or that any one is insurmountable. We’ve talked about them. It’s why I feel okay to share this one.
But talking about it and sharing it? Hasn’t changed my heart. I still feel like my place is MY place.
We have our hearts set on finding a larger place we can afford. One where we have some more space to ourselves when we choose our alone times. Even a one bedroom apartment would be better than this RV.
In the meantime? How do I get over my own shitty attitude to make him feel more welcome? It’s very important for me to find a way to let go of ownership ideology.