Since Paul has returned? Things have been rocky.
We have our good times, which are very good times, but we also have had our arguments. They seem to span time. Not all has been forgiven (on either side) and things raise their ugly head.
So we fight. Very hurtful things are said, we both misunderstand each other and things are said/done that can’t be taken back. Forgiven? Maybe if they didn’t keep happening (again, on both sides). We go through a couple of days where ‘he is leaving but needs to figure out his plan’. We sleep in separate beds and barely talk but we are civil.
Then one of us reaches out. I fill his empty water glass, he offers to rub my feet, or basically, we find ways to care for the other. We begin to talk. We’re both sexual. Over a couple of days of being kind and friendly? It leads to sex (that has never been an issue for us). We have a post fight honeymoon phase.
And it confuses everything. He wrote me a note the other day about how it confuses him as well. It’s not just me.
Why is there always a ‘honeymoon’? Oh my gods the good times! The laughter, the sex and just the genuine enjoyment of each others company is enough to keep us both coming back for more. There are a lot of tangible ways we take care of each other on a daily basis that we don’t want to live without. Doing those things and being in those times makes both of us very happy in an otherwise somewhat depressing existence.
Honeymoons end. We open up, talk about the issues and both say we’ll try, again, to be what the other needs. In the end? It always leads to us hurting each other somehow. Things get said that can’t be unsaid. You can’t just erase them. Especially when they keep coming back repeatedly.
And to be perfectly frank – I can’t handle that part anymore. The wounds are deep enough they don’t heal before the next fight. I live in anxiety of wondering when the next fight will happen and how it will come on. He could have a bad mood for perfectly normal/acceptable reasons but as soon as I sense it? My anxiety spikes, putting me on edge and making me more prone to over reacting and my own reaction issues. I end up creating the situation I am fearing by being ‘upset, with bad timing’ (that’s the best way I can describe it).
It’s not his fault I react to his bad moods like an abused animal. That is my anxiety and my previous history with guys. But my reaction doesn’t help the situation for sure. It’s just beyond my control. I won’t feel bad for it anymore.
How do I have this talk with him? I’m afraid.
I don’t know how to talk to him about how I’m living a wounded life which is damaging my spirit. That the hurt has become too much and the recovery time too little. I can’t bring myself to bring this conversation up and I am not sure why.
Maybe it’s because I know he is hurting as well. I don’t want to add to his hurt and it makes me afraid to talk to him about my own. We both know the other is hurting. “Why” we are hurting has been discussed to death. We aren’t going into a conversation blindsided by the other.
As far as having actual ‘conversation’ vs. fighting? He is the BF I have had the MOST success with. When we set our minds to talking open and honest? We have great talks and we make strides.
This morning as he left for work was rough because he was in pain. His demeanor and body language, without any kind of argument between us, was enough to make me anxious. Stomping, slamming the door and tossing his bike around the yard? He was so angry about going to work in pain. When he left I was shaking.
It made me realize we need to talk. But say what? The same old doesn’t seem to be working for either of us. How do I have this talk?