Solstice

Merry Midsummer and Blessed Be.

Blessed Be is kind of a Wiccan thing but I really haven’t adapted all my pagan things into anything formal. So? Blessed Be.

This is the first Summer Solstice, Litha, St Johns Day, Midsummer or just ‘Hey it’s Summer’ (whatever it is to you) that I actually took time in my day to do things to celebrate it.

First? I destroyed my Spinach. LOL

I mean, I took care of my garden. My spinach was going to bolt because I wasn’t harvesting it fast enough. So took the rest out and planted lettuce.

Next? I wanted to go to the river with my neighbours girls but they were both sick so I walked alone and instead gathered well water. Another story altogether. But I did gather earth water to put out under the moon and use for some cleansing things.

Lastly? I jumped a fire. I was nervous because I didn’t want anyone to smell fire in my yard and come calling. But I visited my neighbours before, told them my fire was private and then had someone act as my security.

I needed the fire for ‘purification’ type stuff, things I will meditate on soon.  Leaping a fire on Midsummer is, again, more Wiccan than Pagan but I still wanted to do it.

The entire process was cleansing for me today.

The fire fodder? Things I needed to burn. Including old letters, lists of things I want to cleanse/purge from my soul and, well, my spinach (the spinach wasn’t intentional, just ended up in there).

I built it myself and I didn’t have a lot of kindling but I managed to get it going quite nice so I could leap it. I stood with my hands open and sent all the intentions in that fire out into the universe. And I jumped.

Right over it.

If anyone knows how clumsy I am? This was a major accomplishment 🙂

Now I am sitting here after a bit more meditation and reflecting on the day. I am looking forward to whatever the next year brings. The past year was not easy in a lot of ways. I hope the next is better but I think I am better prepared if it’s not.

Friend Making Effort

I don’t have a lot of local friends. Some I call acquaintances. But so many have hurt me or mine at this point that I don’t have a lot of care for them.

I have one friend on the island that I know I can count on. That kind you can call 24/7 and know they have your back? I have one. Bury the body style? This person is my friend.

My ex was jealous because of my own past indiscretions AND his inability to forgive. I understand. But I still needed a friend. You don’t give up the ‘I’ll go to the grave for you’ kinda friend. (My friend would hate I say this ’cause he’s a guy, but, like a sister)

I don’t make friends quickly or easily with women. However when I do find a woman I can connect with as a friend (not just lust) I hold hard. It’s hard for me. And when I live in a trailer park? Kinda hard to find what I am looking for in a sister.

I mean, no judgement is intended there because I live in a trailer park, too. Just saying it’s probably not going to be where I find the quality of friends who will help me move forward. That’s just my most recent experiences are telling me.

One of my efforts to show my ex I was trying to make other friends was to make a Facebook event on a local group and invite women for a Ladies Night. Oh yeah. Anxiety ridden me? I invited the general public to my home so I could prove to him I don’t just want man friends.

He was gone the next day.

And now I have this event that other women got excited about. One I am inclined to cancel because, really, the timing? But also inclined to keep because, really, the timing?

I decided not to cancel. I have also decided I don’t care if anyone shows up. If anyone who has said they will show does? It’s because I need a sister friend right now and they were probably meant to be it.

I can’t believe I am NOT cancelling this.

I’m Obscene

I write my blog about my life. It’s about my situations, my perspectives on them.  Sometimes it’s about my sexuality. Sometimes that means pictures.

Today is the first time I was told I was so wrong for sharing the sex part. It happened on Facebook, oddly.

I recognize Facebook has certain standards so I remove any pictures and I post copious amounts of warnings that those posts are XXX or NSFW (Not Safe For Work). I post the warnings in my blog and also in the post on Facebook or Twitter.

Imagine my surprise when someone I recently accepted as an online friend because of other personal connections decided to lambaste me on my own post. No pics. Many warnings. (she’s been blocked)

But, what, she’s illiterate?

Her comment said “This is so wrong. I can’t believe you would use Facebook to post your disgusting sex site. You are terrible and should be removed from the internet. You’re obscene.”

You betcha. I AM obscene. And you can think I am disgusting all you want. But can’t you read? There were multiple warnings not to read that post if you didn’t want to “read sick things about me you don’t want to know”.  It’s the actual warning.

Obscene. Disgusting. Ugly. “OMG barf”….  Just a number of things I’ve read about myself today.

Still taking pics tonight. Because I’ll be as fucking vulgar and obscene as I want!

Bi Polar Swings

I should have been able to tell I was amping up. Yesterday, I think, was the top of a manic phase. I felt so great. Lots of writing and I spent time focused on my spirituality. I felt so strong. I felt on top of the world.

Nothing happened between last night’s blog and this morning. I slept. I don’t even think I had a bad dream.

And when I woke up this morning it’s like all the happy disappeared. I’m a crumbling, jumbled up mass of emotion who is curled up on her couch. I feel like anything I thought was going good are just silly things to find happiness in. I feel ugly. I feel lonely. I feel weak. It’s just one of those days where I really do wish life would just figure out how to take me already.

I feel physically sick. Food won’t happen because I am so upset. Upset without cause so getting more upset about just being upset. I’m about to go full blown anxiety for no reason and I can’t stop it from happening.

Bi-polar swings make me scared about life. How can I be so okay one day and so not okay the next without anything to trigger it? And no way to understand it? I fucking hate this.

Mia

So when I ask WHY I was open to meeting the 13 yr old? Well, she’s actually twelve. And awesome And has a younger sister. And I think my open spirit was actually meant for her sister.

Mia’s ten. I got mom’s permission to talk about her. About this. About bullying.

First off? I looked at Mia at one point tonight and asked her how it felt to be the smartest person the room. She giggled. ‘Cause ten year old females do that. But she really was the most brilliant at that moment. Her vocabulary blew me away.

It all started by reading a card.

I read one for her sister. Freaked her out that it was bang on. Read one for her mom. Also got a bit weirded out by it and then Mia asked if I could ask for a message. I’ve never done that but why not try? I told her I am not a medium but she should ask for any information she wanted to know.

It brought something to her that she cried about. Her young friend who died.

Mom left. Cards were aside for a bit. The young ones stayed with me.

Poor Mia. Her sister took over every situation in the conversation. At one point? I actually told the sister to be quiet, turned to Mia and said, “I bet this happens a lot, eh? Where you don’t get a word? Feel a bit ignored?”

She smiled. Thanked me ‘for recognizing the needs of a young person but that she was used to it so I shouldn’t worry’. What ten year old responds that way?

Tonight? While all the adults sat around the fire? Mia told me how the kids on her school bus say she looks like a tranny and call her pre-op. That’s so fucked up. When did ‘tranny’ become a slur thing kids say?

Not only is she a girl who wants to be a girl? Mia looks like she could be Selma Hayeks daughter. Her eyes are a bit wide set, strong jaw and beautiful long hair. Gorgeous. I Googled pics of Selma to prove it and it was agreed. Mia is a tiny carbon copy. And no matter what anyone says on  the school bus? She needs to know she is so beautiful.

I think she felt that way by the time she left.

We decided we are having a make-over day. Yep! We’ll do it up with make-up and hair pieces. They (her and the twelve yr old sister) wanna dress-up so I have some dresses I’ll try to figure out to adjust. Fashion show with pics. I love everything dress-up and pictures! (even when it is innocent)

And because I read a card for her? A card that REALLY spoke to her?

Mia wants to come with me to the river to collect flowing water and rocks. She asked if she can learn about my magic. She asked her mom if it’s okay.

We talked about ‘paranormal dreams’ (her words because she’s fucking brilliant) and how to channel energy. Her questions? I need to research to reply but she is coming over tomorrow to find out. Challenging.

A ten year old is making me work to answer questions because I care that she cares. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? LOL

And because she told me she is ‘very emotional and it can lead to anger issues’ (again, her words ) I shared with her that I also have issues like that. We discussed if she’d had her first period because maybe it was hormonal.  She told me not yet but doctors wanted her on meds for her emotions. She didn’t want them. It was like talking to a little version of me.

Only maybe more mature LOL

Ah, Mia. Such an open soul. Pretty sure she’s gonna be my motivation to keep it moving forward.

So when I thought I didn’t want to be friends with people in my park? Mia made me realize open hearts can be friends.

Suddenly I have a ten year old bestie. She asked if we could be. I agreed.

 

 

WHY Do I Do This?

First off? I promised myself I wasn’t gonna accidental yard party again.

My ‘security’ friend who has been sorta staying here on and off? He’s trying too hook up with park women. So he asked if he could have a fire as long as it was controlled who came and what happened.

I said as along as I can stay inside and write, listen to music and not have be worried about drama? Sure. I like the smell of fire.

It’s all quiet. Everything is good as I sit here and write.

But mom (from mom n daughter the other night) came and told me she has a younger daughter who wants to meet me.

Stop getting creeped… it’s because they all know I have anxiety. I mean, it was eight months I was here before I met any of them. Mom came in and told me she knew I was writing but that her daughter wanted to meet me and talk to me and hang out with me. Because she has anxiety.

How do I turn down the request of a 13 yr old girl who just wants to meet me to know how I deal with my issues? I wanted to write tonight. I’ve been doing that and I feel okay with this.

But really universe?

With all the crazy and angst I feel? With all my own anxiety? Tonight is the night I get to meet someone so young and confused? Today is the day I get to be help?

I’m not even sure how. But mom was so earnest with her request. I said I would hang out. I have Netflix and YouTube so we can do music or a movie and talk a bit. Mom was grateful.

Now? I’m waiting. WTF? Like really….   I CHOSE not to have kids. I don’t want to fuck up a little girls life by being a bad advice giver.

WHY did I agree to this?

 

Thank You For The Love

While I have been thinking and writing? I’ve been re-reading some past blogs. About all of the horrible things I have admitted to not only having happened to me but also the person I have been.

Normally? That could take me down a very bad mental path.

But I’ve made a point tonight of reading every comment that any person has ever written on my blog.

Thank you to you.

I’m very emotional right now because, well, my life and stuff. But thanks for all the love.

Cream Pie

WARNING: XXX, KINDA SICK BUT IT TURNS ME ON SO IT MIGHT TURN YOU ON, TOO?, PICS, JUST DON’T READ IT IF YOU AREN’T INTO MY SEX STUFF

cream pie

 

The first time a man fucked me and went down on me during? I was blown away. He hadn’t cum though. When someone came in me for the first time? I was so amazed. When the two actions ‘came’ together? I had multiple orgasms from the idea of him being so hungry for my pussy he would eat his own cum. At least a bit. I remember some spitting involved.

I love to be cream pied. I got fixed so I could be cum in (with a trusted partner, not randoms, I don’t like STDS). I love to be dripping that juice. So many times afterward I like to finger myself with all the cum getting all over my hand. Licking it clean.

I think this is the downfall to being single.

Unless it is a regular friend with benefits or trusted someone? You don’t get to get cream pied. They could pull out, whip off the rubber and cum on my tits. Hot. But just not a cream pie. Also not anything I am looking for.

One thing I will miss about my ex? Cream Pie!

Gaining Power From Losing It

I jotted a lot of notes about this, except the actual date it happened. It was the day before my ex left, I think. I just remember it was while he was still here and very recent.

I had plans to clean that day. And a few minutes after my ex left for work? The power went out. Not just my breaker, for the park.

No internet. No lights. No cooking. No coffee. No hot water or power so? No cleaning. I went to the office to see if it was a glitch. But turns out they knew the day before that we would be without power for the entire day because of a BC Hydro thing.  Guess I forgot to mention no notice either. I was so angry. SO angry.

Until?

I figured the universe needed me to learn something. I took some deep breathes, lit a candle and decided it would be a GREAT time to read a card for myself. I pulled a card that told me I need to be more grounded. It actually says in the ‘book’ that comes with the cards that ‘you’ve been spacey and  need to focus’.

I went outside and planted my bare feet on the ground. I focused my energy on trying to figure out my day. Literal grounding practice.

When it got a bit chilly? I came in and decided to work on a piece of artwork I have had in my head for a while. I coloured. Then I remembered I still had music.

(One thing I came to appreciate about my ex was his love for chargeable/portable electronics. I had the iPod ‘n’ Bose fully charged and wireless.)

So there I was drawing, and then dancing, when I got a knock at my door.

My drumming friend. Yep, what an ironic day for him to come and bring some spiritual peace to my life. We talked and shared for a while. I read his cards, too. Made plans to see each other again.

It was sunny (noted in my notebook LOL) so I went outside and gardened. I had an afternoon fire and I prepared for the coming full moon by meditating on my intentions at that moment.

I had to read notes to remember the details of the day. What I can’t get out of my memory? Is how much personal power I felt at the end of that day.

Losing ‘power’ gave me so much personal power because I made choices to do positive, healthy things. I created, meditated, danced, gardened, made full moon intentions.

Looking back? I know I needed it for what was coming. And I am grateful.

So? How do I bring myself to do that without losing power? I loved it so much and yet I don’t choose it unless forced?

I’m gonna work on that!

Decisions, Decisions

I have two blog ideas in my head right now. More than that started. Others jotted down in my notebook.

Why can’t I write? I really want to.

I put on music, lit candles and tonight I write. I mean, I have been doing so many things about so many things LOL Spiritual, garden, cooking… and I started a sexy one a while back that should be finished.

But I also need to get laundry together, fix my couch, make dinner, clean the cat box….

Decisions?

I really wanna choose to write. I feel like I need it. Maybe this one will spur more.