Romantic Comedies

Everyone deals with a break-up in their own way.  My way changes, depending on the situation.

After an abusive relationship in Winnipeg I determined not to be with anyone seriously again ever. I was bitter. Angry. Spent a lot of time alone and depressed. That’s when I started dabbling in meth.

Then I met someone. I fought that situation for a bit before falling  for him.  But I did him wrong by being a drug addict. I left that situation bitter, again. Only at myself that time. Why did I get into anything in the first place? I knew I didn’t want to do relationships because, in my mind, they sucked. Now I especially knew I sucked at them because I couldn’t even be good to someone who was good to me. I dealt with that one by getting off meth and running half way across the country with a friend. I determined to be single and planted myself in the forest to help facilitate that.

Fell in love with my friend. Had five fantastic  years. Yep. Even though they had their moment of problems and ended kinda traumatic? They were some of the best years of my life. And I learned a lot about what real love looks like.

So how am I dealing with this break-up?  Well, my drinking has actually cut back. Not to nothing but less that I thought it would be. I planted some new things in my garden to remind me life continues and new things grow all the time.

And I am watching copious amounts of romantic comedies. I had to ponder why. Was I looking to depress myself?

I think I figured it out today while watching How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.

I’m not angry. I’m sad about it. Especially that how it ended means no friendship. But I’m not bitter. They were some great years with fucking amazing adventures and the hottest sex of my life. Why be angry?

And the rom com’s? Well, they are light-hearted fodder for while I am puttering around my place. Background noise while I write. And just a gentle reminder that love does actually happen out there. I’m not looking for it. But I’m no longer bitter. Taking that forward in life is a positive step.

Double Rent

I have money on my mind. One of my ex’s ‘things’ that upset him was how I could go through so much money in one week. In five years? He worked a total of three months and collected assistance for four. Every cent of it went toward our home (he calls that stealing from him).

So here it is. I get paid monthly. I make less than $1800 a month.

When I get paid my first priority is to pay my bills. I pay rent, internet and phone off the hop. Internet and phone get a little extra as a buffer every month to make sure I am always ahead of the ‘bills’ Then, because I only get paid monthly? I do a huge grocery shop and get all the supplies needed for a month. Food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, cat supplies. I get my meds and/or any pain reliever and allergies type stuff (not cheap).  I don’t drive and my friend isn’t rich so when I get rides I either put in gas money or ‘owe’ him gas money. There’s that debt to pay each month as well because I appreciate being able to get to grocery shopping and doctor appointments.

It used to be I would get about $200 worth of weed and my ex’s smokes as well.

So where did all the money go? I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I was always very proud that we had a roof over our heads and bills paid and food. Only anything above that got to go toward my wine.

This month I am even more proud! I live at a resort and during the two month of peak season (July/August) my rent more than doubles a little. It’s my first month without him so I was afraid of what that would mean financially. After all, he did contribute EVERYTHING he ever brought in.

But I got my rent paid for July. And all my bills. By the way, paying a little extra on everything? Paid off this month. My internet was quite a bit lower than normal because of all the extra bits n pieces I put on it. My phone minutes auto-renewed because I had put enough extra on. And my cupboards, fridge and freezer are overflowing making sure I will eat healthy this month.

And even though I am  broke as fuck I feel okay. I’m not supposed to work because of my health stuff but a little bit of helping here and there? I can do that. Someone local put out a call for a bit of temporary help with her business. Cash. So I work this morning. Very part-time/casual but enough that I will make it through the months of double rent!

 

Amused

At first I was afraid.

He left in violence and anger. I was scared he would come back with it. And he didn’t. I give him credit. Because he IS angry. It’s probably hard for him not to show up. But he promised he wouldn’t and he is respecting that.

The thing is he is still texting both me and my friend. We have a bet that if the ex texts before 9am? I owe my pal breakie. I keep thinking my ex will finally drop it so I take the bet. But sure enough? By 9am? Texts rants. And I am buying breakfast.

My responses simply say to stop texting. Please. ‘If you don’t stop we will need to involve police’ (something I really DON’T want to do). And still the texts. Rampaging rants (some have been posted in other posts).

But he hasn’t come here. I am no longer afraid. His petulant texts when I ask him to quit? Now they amuse me.

His rants are epic. I haven’t come close to posting them all, and I will probably stop now that I am not afraid! He’s gone so over the top that I am amused.

Does that make me bad? He’s obviously in crisis. Mentally. If I was in the same position? I would want care.

But when it comes to the one who punched me and then dropped his suicide bag off at my door? I’m more amused by his crisis from getting his just desserts.

Yep. I AM just a narcissistic, selfish cunt. I suppose.

But a smiling (amused) one!

The Reason I Got Hit

In case you don’t get to read my comments?

You got slapped becUse you ignored me, made me feel like garbage for months. Treated me like an unwelcome guest. Stole any money i brought home. Continued to lie and cheat and drink. Continued to break promises and over all acted like an entitle cunt.
You only wanted to kick me out when you left me flat broke with no food. Notice the momment I had money i fucking left your lying ass.

Unedited.

Online? I corrected slap to punch. And thanked him for his comment.

Offline? I sent him yet another message reminding him I asked for no contact and that means even through my blog. But, really, thank you for admitting online you assaulted me. Will help with the peace bond.

I can’t believe I am going through this abuse shit AGAIN in my life. You’d think I would have learned the first time I got hit by someone. How to pick better?

I never pegged him to be this way when we were friends and decided to leave Winnipeg together.

I feel foolish. I saw signs on the drive to Alberta. Signs in the forest. Signs in Grande Prairie. Signs on the walk here. Anger. So much anger.

I should have let him go long ago. The first time I saw evidence? The time I left the forest with his mom because he put a gun to our heads?  I DIDN’T want to go back then. His mom wanted to see if he was dead. He wasn’t and he made promises things like that would never happen again.

Punches are not guns. But constant verbal and psychological abuse? I’m not some kind of SJW calling for a safe space but, really, MY home is my safe space. I invited him back and he abused my kindness.

I get to be safe here. That meant making him go.

Now that I have threatened him with a peace bond? He has switched to trying to text and message Jeff. Again.

Wow  you are a worthless piece of shit alcoholic jerkoff

Im happy you are stuck with a crack whore. You two are perfect for each other.
You deserve each otherb

Its hilarious that she is using you are you’re too retarded to see it. Makes me laugh.

Your insults are meaningless because they come from an retard drunk.

Have a good life.

What part of she has been lying to US don’t you understand. Do you think she would tell you how she made me feel like an unwelcome guest in her home. Or how she stole my bank card every payday and left me broke so I couldn’t leave?
Or how when she drinks she lies, pathologically.

Another thing you two don’t get is I’m sober. I remember every little thing she did to make me feel like garbage while telling me she loved me.

You simply have your head up your ass if you think enabling an alcoholic on disability with severe mental health issues is smart then you are even more of a retard than i give you credit for.

I aint blaming you like she seems to think. I am questioning how you can believe you are helping while destroying he mental health with booze.

Those are three texts strung together. It’s like an obsession I am beginning to worry about.  And I think that is why I am posting about his stuff he is saying. Not to denigrate him but because I need it to be public to feel safe. I am alone a lot. His constant barrage of hate and vitriol? It’s scary.

Alcoholic Shaunda

I blogged over a year ago about being an alcoholic.  (I’m An Alcoholic)

Over the year I have tried at time to cut back some of the time. My budget kinda helps with that. Bills first, booze later. Other times I have gone so far the other way. It’s hard.

Lately? I am contemplating WHY I am still drinking.

There are days I wake up fine but there is wine there. The moment any conflict hits me? The wine is down my throat. Alcohol is my nemesis. I love it. It hates me. I hate it, too. It’s a love/hate thing.

I was angry one day when I was still with my ex (so a few weeks ago) and I walked to the local liquor store (about 20 mins). On the way back? I decided to drink my wine by the ocean. Why drink IN the animosity when you can look at ocean?

I met Mike.

Mike is also an alcoholic. He shared my wine with me while telling me about every possible AA meeting in the area. Gave me his number and said we could go together if I want and even though it’s a bit of a walk there he could find me a ride home.

AA? Nope. I don’t have a higher power. But, I have heard of a thing called Smart Recovery. It’s like AA but no ‘higher power’ shit.

FYI I am drinking wine as I write this. BUT…   Smart Recovery is on my mind. I have a friend who can drive me if I want to try it.

I have cut back A LOT recently (even though it has been readily available). I want to feel better.

Alcoholic Shaunda wants a break from it!

Ladies Night!~

Oh it was Ladies Night and what a night. Yeah, the feeling’s right, oh what a night! …. (insert music?)

the sign

Truthfully? I don’t do crowds at all. I invited people because I wanted to meet people. And then I had severe anxiety until they showed up LOL

It started with just me in my yard, burning my ex’s letters as fire starter.

letter burning

Then one person showed, and another. A few neighbours later? It was a nice, neighbourly bonfire.

Right?

One awesome lady made sure there was no chick party that didn’t have a thirsty beaver involved! Brought in a goodie bag with epic abs on the cover. (she doesn’t even drink but brought all the shots? …gotta love a lady so generous)

The fire/party happened. As things were getting close to the time I said it would be over? We all decided to just  keep it going and open it up to the gents from our mutual Facebook group that had been teasing all day if they needed to pre-dial the cops.

Neighbours joined in. Then the invited peeps left and it got weird.

While I am okay with neighbours and who they are? I have a hard time saying no to anyone.

After everyone left? I ended up with my one neighbour in my house (hot mom), drinking everything she could get her hands on without even asking (felt a little similar to her daughter the other night LOL).

Another neighbour showed up and, well, she’s just a loud talker. It was SO loud that security came to try and quiet it. But Dena? She works here. She was the one being so loud security came.

When they knocked? This 50+ year old woman tried to hide in my bed. What the fucking fuck? My windows and curtains are WIDE open! Who the fuck did she think she was fooling? And really? Grow up. You were being so loud I wanted you gone anyway. Park security only helped remove you because you weren’t doing it when I asked.

Hot mom? She ended up here the longest…. we took a few pics. Got a bit sexy but she is so straight and a lush. I get boobs for beers with her. Unfulfilled sexual situations but the permission to blog about her in any light I see fit.

lils tits

Just imagine the beautiful nipples under MY t-shirt there. Yes, I had her semi naked and then she wanted to pose with a shirt on and I lost a shirt in the process.

Why? Well? She drank all my booze and tried to pass out on my couch as we talked and took pics. It felt a bit familiar to her daughter. Not my thing. And I figured mom would be better at foreplay. Not so much. She got woken up and sent home in my t-shirt.

Overall? I really enjoyed the beginning of the night. The meeting new women, having a fire and general comradery.  I could’ve skipped the noise issue and trying to get a very drunk woman out of my trailer to walk two doors down.

Ladies Night? Awesome ladies but I’ll be attending, not hosting, going forward.

 

 

Dear Jeff (ALL You Wanna Know About Shaunda)

So. My friend and I went to drop off the last of my ex’s belongings. He violated the agreed upon situation, showed up at the window, got his things.

As he cycled away? Jeff and I each got this text….

Jeff;
You need to know that shaunda has been using you for access to booze. She told me how she was/is using you, how she doesn’t even like you as a person and thinks you are a pathetic joke.
She has mental health issues you are making her worse by providing booze/drugs.
Shaunda will lie, steal, cheat and hurt anyone in her way of booze and drugs, including herself, me and you.
While you enable her? She is dangerously suicidal and self detructive and She has no interest in sober me. She needs to stay drunk to not face hurting me.
For me this is exactly the same as she was with Ken, who also provided her with booze. And cock. Yeah she will let you fuck her and play with her pussy anytime she has drugs and booze. If you haven’t taken advantage id be very surprised. Offer to take pictures, she will strip for you. Then you can fuck her. You jerk off piece of shit.
So if breaking us up was your goal, good job. You win. I wont deal with drunks feeding off each other while I am sick and dying.
What I don’t get is what you are getting from her? Not sure I want to know. You told me you could tell she loved me VERY much. Why would you get between us?
She must have gone back to meth and crack.  Unless you are giving her that too? Did you know I got her clean of that!? Yeah she is a recovering junkie as well as an alcoholic.
Last month she spent 2300 in less than a week. Leaving us broke. Where did it go!? She must be an active addict. Its the only explanation.
STOP ENABLING HER you stupid cunt! Unless you don’t care about hurting people. Booze is killing her and is destroying her mental health.
You are enabling her and it ruined our relationship.
I hope you are happy. You think you are helping her?? You are killing her. You retard.
If you don’t think so she is lying to you and you are lying to yourself. Ive known her for almost ten years. She needs to be with sober people.
People who enable recovering addicts should be jailed. You have caused so much harm to two people. Broke us up and ruined a beautiful friendship.
You cunt.
You are such a drunk you have no idea what you have done. You ignorant mother fucker.
She isn’t in control. You are taking advantage of each other.
That you never got a clue when I wouldn’t spend time with you while you both were drinking is pathetic. Who the fuck do you think you are!?
Every single time she saw you, we would fight. Because the booze. Her seeing you meant a fight and she was always looking for excuses to see you.
Its pathetic that you think you are such a good guy. You are a piece of shit. You ruined me. You ruined her. I hope you die in a major car crash you drunk driving idiot.
Fuck you. Clueless piece of shit home wrecker asshole.
Regardless of what Shaunda tells you, its the drunk shaunda you have been dealing with. Not her true self. I’ve fallen in love with sober Shaunda. You stole her.
This isn’t anger. I simply couldn’t think any less of you. You disrespected me beyond reproach. You are destroying her. She isn’t capable of saying no to booze. So you should step up and do the right thing. Stop lending her money for booze, stop driving her for booze, stop drinking around her. But you wont. You SHOULD walk the fuck away. But you wont because you are a stupid fuck. I Hope we never meet again.
Dont forget, she lies, all the time, about everything. Its why she hangs out with drunk idiots like you. You’re to stupid to catch the lies. Too much of a loser to know she is a mentally ill alcoholic who wants to self destruct with booze and you are helping that. Good on ya.
Jerk off Jeff.
This is unedited. There are a lot of accusations and half truths. He’s not ALL wrong. But he’s so far from right. And it’s because he thinks all of this? I got punched.

So let him have his own reality. Every story has three sides. His, mine and the correct one.

Tonight? I’ll be doing meth and Jeff, apparently….  (just kidding, I’m watching Gilmore Girls).

Why Didn’t He Drive By?

Mt ex asked me not to talk about him. I agreed not to name him and make anything a general reference.

He then sent me an email with subject line ‘blog fodder’. And he has since posted so much crap about me on Facebook. Saying I cheated on him with a friend, Jeff (not true). Telling everyone in my community I am back on hard drugs. Also NOT true but because I need to find housing and prove myself in a small community? I am now going for drug testing to show I am not the person my ex says I am.

I made arrangements to deliver his things to him (yes, deliver). We had an arrangement that he would meet my friend in a parking lot at a specific time. My friend brought me to the labyrinth, in the same area,  to walk it. It was New Moon and I wanted the peace while my friend helped take care of things.

Instead? Because my ex was biking by and recognized the truck? I guess. I don’t know. He stopped there to get his stuff.

He glared at me through the window. He shouted his animosity and curse words as he took off. His suspicions. His anger, still.

But the thing is? We had an agreement that we would have no contact. I mean, he did hit me and I AM scared of him. Even if he saw my friend’s truck? Why stop at my window to glare, intimidate or whatever?

There was an agreed arrangement. All I wanted was to walk the labyrinth while my friend dropped of my ex’s stuff.

It ruined my morning. I sobbed for an hour before I could even walk. Why would he approach me? Why? It was ten fucking minutes until my friend was going to meet him at the designated spot. Why did he do that to me?

After the ex peddled off on his bike and we drove off in the truck? I shook like a leaf. I got all bi-polar crazy and made my friend drive away and hide me from that parking lot, even though I wanted to go back and walk the labyrinth for some peace. I was shook.

Then both my friend and I got a text.

Since I haven’t been responding to the blame game? The blame shifted. To my friend. My ex ranted on him about being my friend. Made wild accusations. His email will be it’s own blog.

So. Why didn’t he just drive by?

 

Sami, Sami, Cuddle Cat

My sweet kitty? She’s mine again LOL

Admittedly, I was a little jealous about how she was with my ex. She loved him. All her cuddles went to him. We slept separate so she slept with him most of the time. She went to him for brushing and play. I tried but she preferred him.

I think she just prefers the company of men. Like mommy, like pussy.

Now that I am alone?

I have my Sami back!

She cuddles with me at night. She climbs into my lap for pets and scratches and brushing. She is being so well behaved and cute all the time like she knows I need less stress.

My most favorite? Clipping her nails has sometimes been a chore but she CAME TO ME for a manicure the other day. I was clipping my own nails and she climbed into my lap rolled over and gently scratched my arm. Her clippers are kept with mine so I just pulled hers out and started working on them. All four paws clipped without a struggle. She even gave me kisses and purrs after.

I love that over the year I have had her she has developed her own little personality. She’s feisty and loving at the same time. She loves toys and play whether it is with her human or not. She’ll chase her own toy and smash into walls all on her own. She still chases her tail.

Other favorite? She requires a water fountain for water. When I have the cash I plan to but some kind of running fountain for her as a water dish but in the meantime? She LOVES running water from the sink.

water fountain

She was drinking when I asked her to pose for this. I don’t run it all the time, she has a water dish. But when I leave the RV in the day and it is hot out? I definitely leave her cold, running water.

Over the past couple weeks? Sami has really been a huge source of comfort to me.She is my joy. I’m so glad I have my Belisama ❤

Solstice

Merry Midsummer and Blessed Be.

Blessed Be is kind of a Wiccan thing but I really haven’t adapted all my pagan things into anything formal. So? Blessed Be.

This is the first Summer Solstice, Litha, St Johns Day, Midsummer or just ‘Hey it’s Summer’ (whatever it is to you) that I actually took time in my day to do things to celebrate it.

First? I destroyed my Spinach. LOL

I mean, I took care of my garden. My spinach was going to bolt because I wasn’t harvesting it fast enough. So took the rest out and planted lettuce.

Next? I wanted to go to the river with my neighbours girls but they were both sick so I walked alone and instead gathered well water. Another story altogether. But I did gather earth water to put out under the moon and use for some cleansing things.

Lastly? I jumped a fire. I was nervous because I didn’t want anyone to smell fire in my yard and come calling. But I visited my neighbours before, told them my fire was private and then had someone act as my security.

I needed the fire for ‘purification’ type stuff, things I will meditate on soon.  Leaping a fire on Midsummer is, again, more Wiccan than Pagan but I still wanted to do it.

The entire process was cleansing for me today.

The fire fodder? Things I needed to burn. Including old letters, lists of things I want to cleanse/purge from my soul and, well, my spinach (the spinach wasn’t intentional, just ended up in there).

I built it myself and I didn’t have a lot of kindling but I managed to get it going quite nice so I could leap it. I stood with my hands open and sent all the intentions in that fire out into the universe. And I jumped.

Right over it.

If anyone knows how clumsy I am? This was a major accomplishment 🙂

Now I am sitting here after a bit more meditation and reflecting on the day. I am looking forward to whatever the next year brings. The past year was not easy in a lot of ways. I hope the next is better but I think I am better prepared if it’s not.