Romantic Comedies

Everyone deals with a break-up in their own way.  My way changes, depending on the situation.

After an abusive relationship in Winnipeg I determined not to be with anyone seriously again ever. I was bitter. Angry. Spent a lot of time alone and depressed. That’s when I started dabbling in meth.

Then I met someone. I fought that situation for a bit before falling  for him.  But I did him wrong by being a drug addict. I left that situation bitter, again. Only at myself that time. Why did I get into anything in the first place? I knew I didn’t want to do relationships because, in my mind, they sucked. Now I especially knew I sucked at them because I couldn’t even be good to someone who was good to me. I dealt with that one by getting off meth and running half way across the country with a friend. I determined to be single and planted myself in the forest to help facilitate that.

Fell in love with my friend. Had five fantastic  years. Yep. Even though they had their moment of problems and ended kinda traumatic? They were some of the best years of my life. And I learned a lot about what real love looks like.

So how am I dealing with this break-up?  Well, my drinking has actually cut back. Not to nothing but less that I thought it would be. I planted some new things in my garden to remind me life continues and new things grow all the time.

And I am watching copious amounts of romantic comedies. I had to ponder why. Was I looking to depress myself?

I think I figured it out today while watching How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.

I’m not angry. I’m sad about it. Especially that how it ended means no friendship. But I’m not bitter. They were some great years with fucking amazing adventures and the hottest sex of my life. Why be angry?

And the rom com’s? Well, they are light-hearted fodder for while I am puttering around my place. Background noise while I write. And just a gentle reminder that love does actually happen out there. I’m not looking for it. But I’m no longer bitter. Taking that forward in life is a positive step.

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Double Rent

I have money on my mind. One of my ex’s ‘things’ that upset him was how I could go through so much money in one week. In five years? He worked a total of three months and collected assistance for four. Every cent of it went toward our home (he calls that stealing from him).

So here it is. I get paid monthly. I make less than $1800 a month.

When I get paid my first priority is to pay my bills. I pay rent, internet and phone off the hop. Internet and phone get a little extra as a buffer every month to make sure I am always ahead of the ‘bills’ Then, because I only get paid monthly? I do a huge grocery shop and get all the supplies needed for a month. Food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, cat supplies. I get my meds and/or any pain reliever and allergies type stuff (not cheap).  I don’t drive and my friend isn’t rich so when I get rides I either put in gas money or ‘owe’ him gas money. There’s that debt to pay each month as well because I appreciate being able to get to grocery shopping and doctor appointments.

It used to be I would get about $200 worth of weed and my ex’s smokes as well.

So where did all the money go? I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I was always very proud that we had a roof over our heads and bills paid and food. Only anything above that got to go toward my wine.

This month I am even more proud! I live at a resort and during the two month of peak season (July/August) my rent more than doubles a little. It’s my first month without him so I was afraid of what that would mean financially. After all, he did contribute EVERYTHING he ever brought in.

But I got my rent paid for July. And all my bills. By the way, paying a little extra on everything? Paid off this month. My internet was quite a bit lower than normal because of all the extra bits n pieces I put on it. My phone minutes auto-renewed because I had put enough extra on. And my cupboards, fridge and freezer are overflowing making sure I will eat healthy this month.

And even though I am  broke as fuck I feel okay. I’m not supposed to work because of my health stuff but a little bit of helping here and there? I can do that. Someone local put out a call for a bit of temporary help with her business. Cash. So I work this morning. Very part-time/casual but enough that I will make it through the months of double rent!

 

Alcoholic Shaunda

I blogged over a year ago about being an alcoholic.  (I’m An Alcoholic)

Over the year I have tried at time to cut back some of the time. My budget kinda helps with that. Bills first, booze later. Other times I have gone so far the other way. It’s hard.

Lately? I am contemplating WHY I am still drinking.

There are days I wake up fine but there is wine there. The moment any conflict hits me? The wine is down my throat. Alcohol is my nemesis. I love it. It hates me. I hate it, too. It’s a love/hate thing.

I was angry one day when I was still with my ex (so a few weeks ago) and I walked to the local liquor store (about 20 mins). On the way back? I decided to drink my wine by the ocean. Why drink IN the animosity when you can look at ocean?

I met Mike.

Mike is also an alcoholic. He shared my wine with me while telling me about every possible AA meeting in the area. Gave me his number and said we could go together if I want and even though it’s a bit of a walk there he could find me a ride home.

AA? Nope. I don’t have a higher power. But, I have heard of a thing called Smart Recovery. It’s like AA but no ‘higher power’ shit.

FYI I am drinking wine as I write this. BUT…   Smart Recovery is on my mind. I have a friend who can drive me if I want to try it.

I have cut back A LOT recently (even though it has been readily available). I want to feel better.

Alcoholic Shaunda wants a break from it!

Ladies Night!~

Oh it was Ladies Night and what a night. Yeah, the feeling’s right, oh what a night! …. (insert music?)

the sign

Truthfully? I don’t do crowds at all. I invited people because I wanted to meet people. And then I had severe anxiety until they showed up LOL

It started with just me in my yard, burning my ex’s letters as fire starter.

letter burning

Then one person showed, and another. A few neighbours later? It was a nice, neighbourly bonfire.

Right?

One awesome lady made sure there was no chick party that didn’t have a thirsty beaver involved! Brought in a goodie bag with epic abs on the cover. (she doesn’t even drink but brought all the shots? …gotta love a lady so generous)

The fire/party happened. As things were getting close to the time I said it would be over? We all decided to just  keep it going and open it up to the gents from our mutual Facebook group that had been teasing all day if they needed to pre-dial the cops.

Neighbours joined in. Then the invited peeps left and it got weird.

While I am okay with neighbours and who they are? I have a hard time saying no to anyone.

After everyone left? I ended up with my one neighbour in my house (hot mom), drinking everything she could get her hands on without even asking (felt a little similar to her daughter the other night LOL).

Another neighbour showed up and, well, she’s just a loud talker. It was SO loud that security came to try and quiet it. But Dena? She works here. She was the one being so loud security came.

When they knocked? This 50+ year old woman tried to hide in my bed. What the fucking fuck? My windows and curtains are WIDE open! Who the fuck did she think she was fooling? And really? Grow up. You were being so loud I wanted you gone anyway. Park security only helped remove you because you weren’t doing it when I asked.

Hot mom? She ended up here the longest…. we took a few pics. Got a bit sexy but she is so straight and a lush. I get boobs for beers with her. Unfulfilled sexual situations but the permission to blog about her in any light I see fit.

lils tits

Just imagine the beautiful nipples under MY t-shirt there. Yes, I had her semi naked and then she wanted to pose with a shirt on and I lost a shirt in the process.

Why? Well? She drank all my booze and tried to pass out on my couch as we talked and took pics. It felt a bit familiar to her daughter. Not my thing. And I figured mom would be better at foreplay. Not so much. She got woken up and sent home in my t-shirt.

Overall? I really enjoyed the beginning of the night. The meeting new women, having a fire and general comradery.  I could’ve skipped the noise issue and trying to get a very drunk woman out of my trailer to walk two doors down.

Ladies Night? Awesome ladies but I’ll be attending, not hosting, going forward.

 

 

Sami, Sami, Cuddle Cat

My sweet kitty? She’s mine again LOL

Admittedly, I was a little jealous about how she was with my ex. She loved him. All her cuddles went to him. We slept separate so she slept with him most of the time. She went to him for brushing and play. I tried but she preferred him.

I think she just prefers the company of men. Like mommy, like pussy.

Now that I am alone?

I have my Sami back!

She cuddles with me at night. She climbs into my lap for pets and scratches and brushing. She is being so well behaved and cute all the time like she knows I need less stress.

My most favorite? Clipping her nails has sometimes been a chore but she CAME TO ME for a manicure the other day. I was clipping my own nails and she climbed into my lap rolled over and gently scratched my arm. Her clippers are kept with mine so I just pulled hers out and started working on them. All four paws clipped without a struggle. She even gave me kisses and purrs after.

I love that over the year I have had her she has developed her own little personality. She’s feisty and loving at the same time. She loves toys and play whether it is with her human or not. She’ll chase her own toy and smash into walls all on her own. She still chases her tail.

Other favorite? She requires a water fountain for water. When I have the cash I plan to but some kind of running fountain for her as a water dish but in the meantime? She LOVES running water from the sink.

water fountain

She was drinking when I asked her to pose for this. I don’t run it all the time, she has a water dish. But when I leave the RV in the day and it is hot out? I definitely leave her cold, running water.

Over the past couple weeks? Sami has really been a huge source of comfort to me.She is my joy. I’m so glad I have my Belisama ❤

Solstice

Merry Midsummer and Blessed Be.

Blessed Be is kind of a Wiccan thing but I really haven’t adapted all my pagan things into anything formal. So? Blessed Be.

This is the first Summer Solstice, Litha, St Johns Day, Midsummer or just ‘Hey it’s Summer’ (whatever it is to you) that I actually took time in my day to do things to celebrate it.

First? I destroyed my Spinach. LOL

I mean, I took care of my garden. My spinach was going to bolt because I wasn’t harvesting it fast enough. So took the rest out and planted lettuce.

Next? I wanted to go to the river with my neighbours girls but they were both sick so I walked alone and instead gathered well water. Another story altogether. But I did gather earth water to put out under the moon and use for some cleansing things.

Lastly? I jumped a fire. I was nervous because I didn’t want anyone to smell fire in my yard and come calling. But I visited my neighbours before, told them my fire was private and then had someone act as my security.

I needed the fire for ‘purification’ type stuff, things I will meditate on soon.  Leaping a fire on Midsummer is, again, more Wiccan than Pagan but I still wanted to do it.

The entire process was cleansing for me today.

The fire fodder? Things I needed to burn. Including old letters, lists of things I want to cleanse/purge from my soul and, well, my spinach (the spinach wasn’t intentional, just ended up in there).

I built it myself and I didn’t have a lot of kindling but I managed to get it going quite nice so I could leap it. I stood with my hands open and sent all the intentions in that fire out into the universe. And I jumped.

Right over it.

If anyone knows how clumsy I am? This was a major accomplishment 🙂

Now I am sitting here after a bit more meditation and reflecting on the day. I am looking forward to whatever the next year brings. The past year was not easy in a lot of ways. I hope the next is better but I think I am better prepared if it’s not.

Friend Making Effort

I don’t have a lot of local friends. Some I call acquaintances. But so many have hurt me or mine at this point that I don’t have a lot of care for them.

I have one friend on the island that I know I can count on. That kind you can call 24/7 and know they have your back? I have one. Bury the body style? This person is my friend.

My ex was jealous because of my own past indiscretions AND his inability to forgive. I understand. But I still needed a friend. You don’t give up the ‘I’ll go to the grave for you’ kinda friend. (My friend would hate I say this ’cause he’s a guy, but, like a sister)

I don’t make friends quickly or easily with women. However when I do find a woman I can connect with as a friend (not just lust) I hold hard. It’s hard for me. And when I live in a trailer park? Kinda hard to find what I am looking for in a sister.

I mean, no judgement is intended there because I live in a trailer park, too. Just saying it’s probably not going to be where I find the quality of friends who will help me move forward. That’s just my most recent experiences are telling me.

One of my efforts to show my ex I was trying to make other friends was to make a Facebook event on a local group and invite women for a Ladies Night. Oh yeah. Anxiety ridden me? I invited the general public to my home so I could prove to him I don’t just want man friends.

He was gone the next day.

And now I have this event that other women got excited about. One I am inclined to cancel because, really, the timing? But also inclined to keep because, really, the timing?

I decided not to cancel. I have also decided I don’t care if anyone shows up. If anyone who has said they will show does? It’s because I need a sister friend right now and they were probably meant to be it.

I can’t believe I am NOT cancelling this.

I’m Obscene

I write my blog about my life. It’s about my situations, my perspectives on them.  Sometimes it’s about my sexuality. Sometimes that means pictures.

Today is the first time I was told I was so wrong for sharing the sex part. It happened on Facebook, oddly.

I recognize Facebook has certain standards so I remove any pictures and I post copious amounts of warnings that those posts are XXX or NSFW (Not Safe For Work). I post the warnings in my blog and also in the post on Facebook or Twitter.

Imagine my surprise when someone I recently accepted as an online friend because of other personal connections decided to lambaste me on my own post. No pics. Many warnings. (she’s been blocked)

But, what, she’s illiterate?

Her comment said “This is so wrong. I can’t believe you would use Facebook to post your disgusting sex site. You are terrible and should be removed from the internet. You’re obscene.”

You betcha. I AM obscene. And you can think I am disgusting all you want. But can’t you read? There were multiple warnings not to read that post if you didn’t want to “read sick things about me you don’t want to know”.  It’s the actual warning.

Obscene. Disgusting. Ugly. “OMG barf”….  Just a number of things I’ve read about myself today.

Still taking pics tonight. Because I’ll be as fucking vulgar and obscene as I want!

Bi Polar Swings

I should have been able to tell I was amping up. Yesterday, I think, was the top of a manic phase. I felt so great. Lots of writing and I spent time focused on my spirituality. I felt so strong. I felt on top of the world.

Nothing happened between last night’s blog and this morning. I slept. I don’t even think I had a bad dream.

And when I woke up this morning it’s like all the happy disappeared. I’m a crumbling, jumbled up mass of emotion who is curled up on her couch. I feel like anything I thought was going good are just silly things to find happiness in. I feel ugly. I feel lonely. I feel weak. It’s just one of those days where I really do wish life would just figure out how to take me already.

I feel physically sick. Food won’t happen because I am so upset. Upset without cause so getting more upset about just being upset. I’m about to go full blown anxiety for no reason and I can’t stop it from happening.

Bi-polar swings make me scared about life. How can I be so okay one day and so not okay the next without anything to trigger it? And no way to understand it? I fucking hate this.

Mia

So when I ask WHY I was open to meeting the 13 yr old? Well, she’s actually twelve. And awesome And has a younger sister. And I think my open spirit was actually meant for her sister.

Mia’s ten. I got mom’s permission to talk about her. About this. About bullying.

First off? I looked at Mia at one point tonight and asked her how it felt to be the smartest person the room. She giggled. ‘Cause ten year old females do that. But she really was the most brilliant at that moment. Her vocabulary blew me away.

It all started by reading a card.

I read one for her sister. Freaked her out that it was bang on. Read one for her mom. Also got a bit weirded out by it and then Mia asked if I could ask for a message. I’ve never done that but why not try? I told her I am not a medium but she should ask for any information she wanted to know.

It brought something to her that she cried about. Her young friend who died.

Mom left. Cards were aside for a bit. The young ones stayed with me.

Poor Mia. Her sister took over every situation in the conversation. At one point? I actually told the sister to be quiet, turned to Mia and said, “I bet this happens a lot, eh? Where you don’t get a word? Feel a bit ignored?”

She smiled. Thanked me ‘for recognizing the needs of a young person but that she was used to it so I shouldn’t worry’. What ten year old responds that way?

Tonight? While all the adults sat around the fire? Mia told me how the kids on her school bus say she looks like a tranny and call her pre-op. That’s so fucked up. When did ‘tranny’ become a slur thing kids say?

Not only is she a girl who wants to be a girl? Mia looks like she could be Selma Hayeks daughter. Her eyes are a bit wide set, strong jaw and beautiful long hair. Gorgeous. I Googled pics of Selma to prove it and it was agreed. Mia is a tiny carbon copy. And no matter what anyone says on  the school bus? She needs to know she is so beautiful.

I think she felt that way by the time she left.

We decided we are having a make-over day. Yep! We’ll do it up with make-up and hair pieces. They (her and the twelve yr old sister) wanna dress-up so I have some dresses I’ll try to figure out to adjust. Fashion show with pics. I love everything dress-up and pictures! (even when it is innocent)

And because I read a card for her? A card that REALLY spoke to her?

Mia wants to come with me to the river to collect flowing water and rocks. She asked if she can learn about my magic. She asked her mom if it’s okay.

We talked about ‘paranormal dreams’ (her words because she’s fucking brilliant) and how to channel energy. Her questions? I need to research to reply but she is coming over tomorrow to find out. Challenging.

A ten year old is making me work to answer questions because I care that she cares. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? LOL

And because she told me she is ‘very emotional and it can lead to anger issues’ (again, her words ) I shared with her that I also have issues like that. We discussed if she’d had her first period because maybe it was hormonal.  She told me not yet but doctors wanted her on meds for her emotions. She didn’t want them. It was like talking to a little version of me.

Only maybe more mature LOL

Ah, Mia. Such an open soul. Pretty sure she’s gonna be my motivation to keep it moving forward.

So when I thought I didn’t want to be friends with people in my park? Mia made me realize open hearts can be friends.

Suddenly I have a ten year old bestie. She asked if we could be. I agreed.