Servitude

I’ve learned servitude from preschool years.

I always wanted to serve. I always lived to help people. Servitude? I always thought of servitude as an act of voluntary service. So what is it?

ser·vi·tude

noun: servitude

I thought of it different. I thought of servitude as a combination of gratitude for what you have and wanting to help others who don’t. I never thought of it as slavery. I don’t think by serving the needs of others I am enslaved to them. I help (serve) people as much as I can in any ways I can.

So I was surprised to learn what this means. If someone feels like a servant to you? They feel like they are your slave.

I only looked it up because Paul told me recently I treat him like a servant. “I guess i’m expected to behave as your servant, to be who you want me to be when you want me to be it? ” (direct quote from writing)

This was in response to many things I won’t go into but I can say, at least, treating him like a servant wasn’t at all what I thought was going on.

I thought I was in servitude to him. Not the definition I just learned, but in the idea that I just wanted to serve and help him in every way I can. Instead? He feels like my servant in the traditional sense of servitude (I can tell that from the rest of the note written that I won’t get into in this post).

I take care of him. I want to. My servitude came from love, not slavery.

I wanted to make sure he had his meals cooked, his clothes washed and everything else done. I wanted to make sure he had a roof over his head.

Here’s the thing about servitude and wanting to help. You can give it out as much as you want. But as soon as you ask for some in return? You’re a slave driving cunt who only takes. (how I feel after reading his note)

Paul never worked for a long time. In the five years we have been together as a couple he’s had a job for total of three months in AB and two weeks (as of two weeks ago) in BC.

Yes, he had all the property and means to bring us to AB because he saved from old jobs. That was all lost in the arrest and I was the one who worked to replace and recover. Yes, he has worked odd cash things at times to help us get by. However, he hasn’t worked longer than three months in more than five years to maintain it.

And when he had the opportunity to get that property back? He hasn’t been the one making phone calls and sending emails to recover his property, I have! He went and did the driving/moving work. He should be commended for his part. But I should not be cast aside because my only part was in all the phone calls, planning, set up and emails to make sure Fish and Wildlife officers would come in on days off to make it happen.

Different situation altogether? I worked for two months full time in a Christmas kiosk in a mall while he was in jail so I could afford to find us an address for him to be released on bail to in Alberta. I risked losing my disability income over working. I risked my mental health/anxiety working in a mall kiosk in winter season just so he could be out of jail.

While out of jail and awaiting court? He got a job!

And on the day his benefits kicked in? He quit because he couldn’t deal with his ‘female boss being so bossy’. The day his benefits kicked in. He couldn’t keep it up another month for our eyes and dental, but he blamed me for the next two years about his teeth and eyes.

My drinking was why we couldn’t afford to get that stuff done. I am bad at budgeting. Not him quitting his job. Not that he wasn’t working and we couldn’t live off what I make on disability. Me.

While still in Alberta I took a job. I worked full time+ as a nanny for a friend. She was a friend so I worked cheap. Basically I worked for $5/hr five days a week to make sure we had everything we needed like food and rent paid.

He? Not sure. He was always home when I left and always home when I got there. I did all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. I’m not sure he even left the bed in those months.

And get this? I was happy. I was okay with all of it and dealing with it as much as I could.

Until? I started being blamed for being the problem. Doesn’t like my attitude. Or how much I drink. Or who I spend my time with. Or how he doesn’t know where the money is spent. (Who’s money? How does he even get to ask?)

Our rent has never gone unpaid even once. Our internet and other bills? ALWAYS paid on time. The food I cook him is in our fridge so he can make it himself if I don’t. He never went without for someone who wasn’t working.

But if we did run out before my payday? I sure got a shitstorm of flack for it. Not an apology for not having contributed or an offer to work, just a crapload of ugly attitude and behaviour.

Disability pay is not an easy life and I like wine. So, yes, there are times at the end of the month we need to wait a couple days for laundry to be done or weed to be bought. Because I drank wine.

I wait on wine those days and I don’t complain. I wait on weed those days and wish I had some but accept I don’t. I don’t understand how it’s okay for others to complain about things they aren’t getting when they haven’t contributed to in the first place.

If I was in that position? I would be overboard grateful every fucking day that I had a roof over my head. I would respect their space, the way they want it kept, regardless of what I want/think.  If someone was paying my bills and also risking their health to go the extra mile. I would gladly be in servitude.

Paul has been working two weeks now. I am so grateful he found work he seems to be happy at and wants to stay at. It gives me a great deal of alone time to do the things I need to do around the house and take care of ‘us’. He also does do a lot to help us.

But to say I have been treating him like a servant? I was so angry when I read that. My servant? After all the things I do….  he thinks he is my servant? If he was my servant he would be fired because it regularly takes him three days to take out garbage when I ask. He has no clue about being anyone’s ‘servant’.

And how is this for a guilt factor? I feel a need to defend my own feelings and defend him by saying I feel like my attitude has been super angry about Paul when it comes to this topic.

I am angry and defensive but I want it said, “My anger about certain issues does not negate all the ways he does do things for me every day.”

Please remember, as you read my emotions, there are always two sides to a story. His side doesn’t get heard here. There are ways I am super sick, daily, that he helps with. There are so many more personal ways he helps me. I need those things and I am willing to work on the other problems to have those things.

I am not looking to disparage him, only to vent my own thoughts and emotions.

 

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Servitude

  1. This is a great forum to vent.
    You’re right, there is two sides to every story but I don’t blame you for both feeling angry and hurt by him saying you treat him like a servant. He is damn lucky to have you. Everyone has faults of some kind or another but from what I have read on your posts about you, your faults are outnumbered by 100 to 1 by good things about you. Plus, you have a really nice vagina. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

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