the pack

He brought his pack to me. Not in person.

Apologized again, over and over again in texts for how he has hurt me. Let me know that what doctors say about his situation is terrible and he’s not willing to go out like his dad. He’s scared of the pain.

He left me his bank card, everything of value, anything I could maybe use….  and let me know that he made his decision.

I know what that means. We have both struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts…

We even had a plan. Oh yeah. Suicide is that real for me. My other health issues? His health issues? Neither of us wanted to go out like that. We had plans to help each other through passing when either of us made that choice.

He’s said it before. Made threats. And I didn’t put stock in it because I just wanted him to stay. Tonight? I told him I hope he finds help. I gave him the information for the mental health unit and begged him to go for his own sake.

Tonight? I also received his backpack, left at the desk for me. So I could have his things and drink the big jug of wine he left me to help me get through this while I read his goodbyes.

And his wallet with all his information. So no one can even find ID on him and let me know when he’s done it.

This is fucking with me so bad.


17 thoughts on “Aftermath

    1. Right? How could he think that doing this to a person with anxiety would make them want to reach out. I begged him to go for help. I have no way to report it.

      What? Call 911 and say someone I know and have no idea where they are and just dropped off their only traceable piece of electronics is thinking about suicide?

      There are no options but acceptance.


    1. Thank you. I appreciate this online support I am receiving. I live in a place where I am the stranger. I have one close friend ‘in person’ (so many more offering online support and help) but it’s hard to feel anything right now.

      I love my friends, online and otherwise, and appreciate all the comments I have received that help me keep being strong..


    1. He was in the hospital. He reached out to me by phone to see if I could have someone pick him up.

      Someone on my FB who is local reach out and asked about him. When I told them his situation? He offered to go to the hospital.

      His wife contacted me to say Paul has a place to stay with them, at least temporarily. I have his things here so someone can pick them up.

      I only wish him well.


  1. I hope he can get his shit together and have a good life. I wish you well and hope your that things work out okay for you and your burden lessens. You deserve so much more then life has dealt you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Your compassion is appreciated. I feel like I got dealt a better hand than I knew how to play in life. Maybe if I’d understood the game better?


  2. Hang in there Shaunda. I think you are awesome. One of the most intelegent people I have had the pleasure of conversing with. I love the way you string a sentence together. You ever had your IQ tested? I betcha you would score high. I love reading your posts, and those pictures are awesome. Still waiting for the boob pic, hint hint. Maybe when you are feeling better ay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LMAO, tried to take the boob pic last night… was to stressed and wined. But I tried. So maybe when I am feel better I can work a camera for ya.

      As for the IQ thing. I was tested at psychologists from a very early age because I was twisted. Tested at school and made the top 3 percentile in Canada. But I wasn’t allowed to pursue my own things. So I always felt it got stunted. My intelligence.

      And I didn’t do the due diligence to pursue things like vocabulary and grammar or linguistics (I love language) so my writing is vulgar. Not only in topic but also in the way it comes out.

      I call it literary license and I am grateful someone thinks it’s alright.


    1. Thank you for asking.

      I don’t know, But for anyone reading who wants to know what is going on?

      Paul is currently staying with someone local. He is okay. That person is picking up his belongings tomorrow and I am sure now that I won’t need to be involved again.

      I am safe. He is safe. In the end? Two people made it through something bad on the alive end of things. So, I guess that is good.


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