Standing My Ground

When things first happen it’s pretty easy to tell someone they can’t come back. You’re hurting and angry.  It’s when the shock wears off and the anger turns into sadness and feeling lonely that it becomes more difficult to stand my ground about not seeing him.

I have conflict in my head. I took it out on you. I hurt the only person who’s ever really loved me. For that I am guilty. I am sorry. I feel deep remorse.
I will stop accusing. I know you feel bad for everything, just as I do.
I’m so sorry. I’ll stop writing you.
Good bye my love, my wife, my life. I’m so sorry.
His emails and texts can be very convincing of his remorse. However they waiver between remorse and telling me things to make feel guilty, like reminding me of his health issues and telling me how cold it is sleeping in a tent.
And I want to run to him and make it better. Am I crazy? Stupid?
No. I am stronger than I think.

I sent him a reply this morning re-iterating:

You can’t do this. You can’t say something self-deprecating about yourself and then tell me “I am right.” I have never said you are not a good person. YOU assume I think that and I don’t.

Please stop apologizing. I forgive you for what happened. The demise of our relationship was not your fault. I don’t blame you any more than I want to be blamed. We both made mistakes. It ended. And lines were crossed that can’t be returned from. Your apology is accepted.

I want for you to continue to see doctors, work, find a place for yourself, get counseling and be doing well. Please do those things for yourself. Not for me, not for hope. But because you need to do them in order to be a healthy, functional person. When you have been going to counseling I would consider attending a few sessions with you if your counselor thinks that would be helpful.

But I am still reeling from this. Do what you need to do for you. I think that is best for now.

And if I find a place before you I will give you my trailer. I’ll let you know. Please tell me when you are sending someone for your things.

His response only proved to me that being strong is the right game plan. Says he doesn’t need his things where he has made a decision to go. Told me he read my blog about security and not to worry about him bothering me ever again. And he’s sorry that I am his next of kin.

I’m anxious. Crying. Totally depressed. I have no idea how to keep moving forward mentally. Being strong or standing up for myself somehow doesn’t help with the anxiety.

It kind of makes it worse because I get scared of the reaction to my words. I’m sitting here ruminating about whether or not the next of kin comment means I should be expecting some sort of suicide notification.

I am kind of angry that he has this much influence over how I feel and what I think about throughout a day.

And I am tired because being this emotional is exhausting.

But I am standing my ground.

 

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