Couchbound

Depression rears its ugly head so often in my life these days. I’ve managed to keep it mostly at bay with having bouts that goes for days instead of months.

But it’s been over a week now.

I have done as many things as I can to motivate myself and yet today I find myself watching war movies back to back. It’s my third day in a row on the couch. Yesterday I watched LGBTQ documentaries all day. The day before that was Season 12 of Grey’ Anatomy.

How have I tried to motivate myself?

By doing healthy things. I cleaned my bathroom. I planted some late harvest garden plants (I love bumper crops). I’ve tried to manage some self care like eating right, exercise and showering. Keep in mind these things have been spaced out over a couple of weeks and seem so insignificant to me that they are almost more depressing.

And it’s not entirely true. I went three days without a shower at one point because I was too lethargic to bother.

I’m on Day 4 without alcohol. Not because I quit but because double rent months mean my money is allocated towards living expenses and not wine.

So am I depressed because I don’t have wine? Or is depression one of the side effects of coming off the amount I drink? Perhaps it’s just my usual mental health issues acting up because I’ve been feeling stressed about other things?

I often struggle to figure out what brings this on. I’m not ‘sad’. Not lonely. Just lethargic and unmotivated. Hopeless. Feeling defeated and tired. Exhausted really.

Regardless of the reason? I’ve been couchbound for a few days and I am really struggling to get out of it. It’s why I haven’t ben writing. Or going on webcam. Or changing my PJs.

Ugh.

Lights, Camera, Action

It’s time to get excited. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started on the Shaunda show tonight. LOL

Yep.

In all my adventures? I came across a very kind man who decided it was time for me to be on camera again. So he ordered me a cam and had it shipped to me. Because? Well, I am a good slut to tell him everything going on in my world and he wants to see some of it.

I’m back to going on webcam. If you wondered why I haven’t been writing? It’s because I am in a constant dance online with men. It’s fun. I show off for them, they feed my ego. It’s my narcissistic wet dream come true.

As an exhibitionist? I value being able to explore that side of my sexuality. I want every man to watch me and get off. I like to be super dirty and sexual without having to be touched. (that’s my anxiety kicking in LOL)

I was on cam before. It took so long to build a following. And I was ten years younger.

In the past week? I had one previous fan recognize me already LOL I’m getting quite a few fans and I am 4.5 out of 5 stars as far as girls on the site (viewers set that rate).

Plus, even though I don’t ask for tips? I get them.  Total bonus. Tips can be collected and cashed out into my bank account. I don’t ask for them because I am really there to be an exhibitionist and do what I want. Asking for tips means you do what THEY want. I’m too selfish for that LOL

Why do I get tips? Well, I don’t really know for sure. I mostly sit around and chat. Often in PJs. I tell guys who get demanding to get the fuck out of my chat. I ban people easily. Don’t I sound like your favourite porn? Maybe if you wanted to watch your wife bitch to get you off LOL

I occasionally get myself off. I have occasionally had a partner join me. I laugh a lot. I have people tell me I am funny and it makes me super happy. They want to see my pudgy belly and surgical scars and they say they are beautiful.

Being on cam is opening yourself up to a lot. Particularly judgement.

To be honest? I was scared to get back into that scene.  But now that I am back? I am seeing this as a healthy outlet for all the things I have been needing. Sexually and emotionally.

I have so much fun chatting with my fans about their day or the weather where they are. Germany, New Brunswick, Italy, Spain. I’ve even gathered a few local fans. One is surprisingly close though he doesn’t know it. Another? Well he’s joined me on cam.

I never thought I would get back on cam. I feel like it is rescuing me from some darkness. I feel like I am coming back into myself again. Other people have noticed as well. I glow.

So? Happy to be back on cam 🙂

 

Full Moon Plans

Full moon is the best time for cleansing. Purge what is plaguing you and focus on making changes to heal.

Tonight I am so excited to have a full moon ceremony. I’ll be going to the river to skinny dip and then dance naked in the moonlight by a riverside fire. Cleansing. It’s time to let go of some things I have been holding on to.

Feelings of animosity. Feelings of shame. Feeling like I am not worth being healthy for. Feeling alone. Feeling incapable.

Tonight I plan to wash all that away by splashing in the river and letting it’s water flow over me. I plan to light the path to healing from those feelings with a cleansing fire at the river’s edge. And I plan to celebrate my change with dancing in the moonlight.

I have sage to burn, candles to light along with the fire and incense to make it all very peaceful. I have some traditional Celtic music to dance to.

And I’m so grateful for my friend who brought me to such a special, secluded place. It’s close enough to walk to and private enough to be myself.

Tonight is going to be magical. I feel it.