When my relationship ended I was ready to say never again. I can’t tolerate violence against me, in word or action.
However. There are two things that prevented me from saying never.
First? I’ve always taken the widely opposed stance it does not matter if you are male or female, if you act aggressively enough toward someone that their only recourse is to stop you physically? You can and should be stopped.
I know my own actions the day my relationship broke apart. I stand by not deserving to be hit. However, I WAS out of control, in his face and unable to be stopped. I pushed first. His choice of how to subdue me was not the best. And it ended us.
But, secondly? I’ve always believed people change. I don’t believe people are defined by their worst moments. I certainly hope I’m not.
I was alone a while back. I felt desperately alone. The kind that makes me dangerous to myself. I sat there realizing the only people in my contact list are bad dates and people who wouldn’t really care about what I was going through or why.
So I messaged him.
He came. He got me through that moment. Because regardless of what happened? Regardless that I told him never to contact me again (which he was respecting)? He knew I was in crisis so he came to make sure I would be alright.
That was weeks ago now. He’s been around to make sure I am okay. I’ve learned some things.
First? He’s better without me.
I never realized how much our co-dependence was holding him back. He has a great job that he loves with a boss he really appreciates and is appreciated by. He has opportunity to advance. He bought a car. A beater, but it gets him distances his motorized bike won’t. He’s been working on his health and he’s looking so healthy (code: sexy). He has savings and credit. He’s doing just fine without me.
Second? Forgiveness lies within him.
He reads my blog. He’s stumbled across some emails. I’ve been truthful about my escapades while we have been apart. While I thought he would judge me for that? He stuck around to help me and take care of me because he knows the truth and he’s dealing with it. Without making me feel badly about it.
So here’s the kicker. I DO feel badly. When we started spending time together? I had just shut down my POF but I was still seeing some of the guys I met. He knew. He had his own profile and dates set up. We were both cool about it.
As we spent more time together? We decided to make an effort to work on US. That meant we would only be having sex with each other.
I told him I would still be talking to other people but that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. And that I would tell him about my chatting.
I took that too far. I was emailing back n forth with someone like I was going to meet them. I didn’t tell him about them. The emails were seen. Arguments were had.
Seems as though I am the one who can’t change. I always take things too far and fuck up a good thing that would be happening. All he asked is that I tell him about guys I am chatting with and I didn’t. A fool. That’s me.
Some people can change though. He went for a drive. We texted back n forth. And it ended with him asking if he could come back instead of telling me he is leaving. There was no name calling or shaming.
There was disappointment and he was sad. He knew I didn’t cross that line of meeting, it was just emails. Even still? It hurt him.
He wanted to be here anyway.
THAT is change.
Without him trying to make me feel bad? I still felt awful. He was so hurt that I was dishonest. He came back and told me I was important enough to try and work on this. I feel like such an idiot. He’s been so good to me since we’ve been spending time together. He is taking care of me in every way. He asks nothing in return.
So, can I change? His complete turnabout makes me want to. Any desire to chat up other men drained when he came back here and told me things would be okay. No chastising. He just loved me and tried to make me feel better all weekend.
Why do I want to be a better woman to him? We have ten years of history that have epic tales of adventure and mishap. We’ve been through hellfire and back together. We have a friendship that goes so far beyond our ‘relationship’. We don’t want to let go of that.
But trust needs to be earned now. He can’t trust me. I understand why. I’m okay with having to prove that to him. I will. It only requires me being honest with him about things I have always held back. And the more I am honest? The more he seems so caring and endeared to me.
He is trying to understand me and why I have held back from him before. He is cautious but caring. I think after some time apart where we each grew in our own selves and made changes for our own positive well being? We are in a place where we can grow together. We can change together in a more positive, understanding way.
Some say people can’t/don’t change. I think the best part of life is our ability to change.