What Constitutes A Prostitute?

If anyone reading this is a ‘working girl’ I want you to know I have so much respect for you! I have had fantasies about selling myself to men from the time I was a child.

My history with prostitution began in Bible College. I was in a group that went out on late night weekends to visit prostitutes in Winnipeg. Love Lives Here. We passed out condoms and gave girls information about safe houses and places they could go if they had bad dates. All because “jesus loves you”. But, please, set that info aside. I went to meet hookers, not for them to meet jesus.

I think the girls I met loved me because I was so curious about their profession. They seemed to know I was not curious from a religious place even though I was there from Bible College..

When I left Bible College and moved into my own place? I stumbled home from a night of drinking to encounter Dita. I’d had a despicable evening. She was a working girl, crying about her bad date. And we sat on the stairs of my building talking about ‘bad dates’. And we cried together.

I’ve always been pro-woman in the work place. While feminists may think it means ‘I am woman and hear me roar’, I am more of ‘OMG I’m a kitten please protect me’. IE. I’ve lived my life wanting to be protected. I was taught I should even protect myself from myself.

Since then? I took on the attitude of some of the amazing women I’ve met. ‘Do what you need to to to make sure YOU are taken care of’.

Example? My first big  pay raise in the software world came with a ‘clothing allowance’ for shorter skirts. (2006, not 1956) I shortened my skirt and lowered my neckline. I was at my height of ‘body image’ and I flaunted it for money. I played up my body at every turn and my paycheque reflected it.

Is that prostitution? Debatable. I didn’t fuck my bosses (although there was this one I really wanted to LOL). It was never like that.

However. Since I have become sick, dependent on a very minimal income, there are times I have had monetary relationships with consenting men. (Sugar Daddy) With one gentleman it became purely business. That was back in Winnipeg.

Since leaving Manitoba I haven’t engaged in any kind of performance for pay.

Except? When I was single and dating I pretty much told anyone who dared to cross my threshold they should bring wine. Of course, they didn’t all get in my knickers so it was more of a ‘common courtesy’ request.

Which leads me to ask… what is the difference between a girl who has a guy take her out for dinner, come back with wine and then have sex but never see him again OR a girl who has someone show up with wine and after some great conversation she gives him a handjob OR the girl who just has the guy over to get himself off in a safe environment with a clean girl and he leaves cash on the table.

Aren’t they/we all just selling it?

I ask because I think if I were single? I’d prefer the quick fuck/BJ/handjob/simple conversation with the cash…   just sayin’.

 

 

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I’m Not Stupid

I was praised as a child because of my intellectual abilities. If you count standardized testing (I personally don’t put a whole lot of faith in that) I tested in the top 3% of the country as a child. I always passed exams and often received honour awards for grades, etc. without putting in a lot of effort. I never believed I was the smartest cookie in the room but I was confident I was intelligent.

I went to Bible College, not university, but I chose as many electives courses outside of Bible curriculum so I could be versed in things beyond Bible. I’m not ‘educated’ by the worlds standards but I took the time to learn a lot of things on my own.

Making your way in the work force without an education is difficult. However I had worked from the time I was a teenager. My first job after college was as a cashier at a dollar store but I worked my way up. When I couldn’t go further? I found a different job with room for movement. I used my brains to work my way up at every job. I went from retail to office. Grunt work to management in every job. When I got sick and had to leave to work force? I was the Director of Administration for an international software company.

I’m not stupid.

However, I’ve been out of the world of having to really ‘think’ for a long time. And I feel like I am losing some cognitive skills. I question my own brain, get confused and sometimes I am wrong. Even knowing my own issues about myself I still like to feel smart.

I have something weighing heavily on my mind.

More than a week ago my BF and I were looking at the prices of something on Amazon. I pointed out some info about subscription price vs. one-off price, etc. He told me I was wrong. That my price comparison to the same amount of product in the store was wrong. I made an attempt to explain what I meant and he got so angry. He belittled me and called me a moron. Told me I just didn’t understand.

While that was happening? I used my phone to look the information up. I knew I was right. And instead of just fighting it out I shut up and let him say horrible things. I didn’t want to push it right then because I was nervous how he would react.

Instead I gently brought it up the next day to let him know that we could in fact get the better deal from Amazon.

Again he freaked out. He made the entire situation about me ‘being right’ and needing to prove it. He got angry and we didn’t talk for almost a week.

Since then we have talked about other things, gone about life and been our usual selves. But this issue was never resolved. And I don’t know how to bring it up again without creating uncomfortable chaos in my home.

I mean, I don’t give a flying fuck who was right. I pointed it out so he knew we could get the deal and show him how it worked. I don’t care that I was correct.

But his reaction to being shown that reminded me I DO care that I was treated like shit and belittled and made to feel like nothing. Instead of getting angry and ignoring me for days on end? What would have been nice would be an apology for calling me a moron and making me feel stupid.

I’m NOT stupid!

Life In Transit

I don’t drive so I am a fan of public transit.
In Winnipeg? I praised the amazing people who drive those roads. Winnipeg also has it’s own set of issues on public transit. I have bus driver friends who had knives pulled on them. I was threatened by other passengers a few times. But, that’s Winnipeg. It’s only for the hardcore.
In Grande Prairie? I sent the transit people a Christmas basket I was impressed so much. I was new to the town and alone. Bus drivers taught me the layout of the land and the fastest routes to places I went to regularly. And they were so friendly. When I told my regular drivers I was leaving the city? Two of them came to my indoor garage sale to help support me when I left there.
 
When I first came to the island there was a bus once a week. As a non-driver it made things difficult. I had to plan well or find a ride. 
However BCTransit listens. I was one of probably many people who made a noise and asked for more buses.
Now? I can catch a bus any day of the week. It comes about a ten minute walk from my home. I can get as far north or south as I need ,within an hour, for a mere $2.50.
Also, when I took the new bus today? I told the driver I was new to his route. He let me off where I needed and beyond that? When he saw me waiting for the bus home at a stop that wasn’t on his route? He drove his bus three blocks out of the way to get me, didn’t charge me for the return fare and let me know the best place to wait that has a bench.
Really? The driver watched for me knowing I was new to his route and drove out of his way to get me. How fucking cool is that? And now I know where to catch the bus home!

Caught

I was having an argument with him the other night about a week. I took to the couch (not the bed) and I was watching my Netflix addictions. Thinking he was sleeping.

I got so horny. It came over me. Like, SOOOO horny!

We’d argued. So rather than turn to him? I turned to porn. And not just porn. I went taboo. Nothing I would ever do but somehow watching something that off colour strikes something in me. TOTAL taboo. So taboo I won’t even say it in my blog.

He awoke (or just got out of bed) and his only comment upon catching me? “NICE” Then he went for a drive and came back to let me know we are only roommates. He encouraged me to pursue others.

I felt dirty. I always feel dirty about that one fantasy. I’ve never entertained the reality, nor would I. And his reaction was so… well,

I feel ashamed. Like, totally.

But not because I feel I did anything wrong. I feel shame because the person I trusted to accept everything, the one who said all I need to do is tell him truth and he would accept? He made me feel shameful.

What do I do with that?

 

Struggling

It’s been a long few weeks. My health has been up and down with more than usual anxiety attacks. I’ve spent a lot of time in depression. My RV is coming up with new issues all the time. And, it seems all the same old problems are rearing their heads in my relationship.

I haven’t been writing. Haven’t been on cam or taken any interest in any of my usual interests. I haven’t been eating properly. I’ve been on the couch. At first it was just lack of motivation but in the past week it’s turned to intense sadness that makes me feel hopeless.

And I feel useless. I feel like no matter how much I strive to change I fail constantly. I make my BF miserable (he told me, I’m not just ‘feeling’ that).

I feel scared. Because I know I will never be able to be what he wants. Certain habits are just not going to change (like, I interrupt too much when he is talking) and he doesn’t love me as I am with those habits. I made positive changes in a lot of areas but there are some things that are affected by my health that will never change.  I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me as I am. I’m scared when he chooses to leave how it will go down. And I am scared of being alone again.

I feel defeated. Mind and body. I tried to meditate this morning but I couldn’t shut off my mind from racing thoughts. It overwhelmed with frustration so bad I started bawling my eyes out. Every day my body aches. I have an upcoming surgical procedure on the list of pokes and prods that is my life. My body and mind are failing fast.

And I feel lost. I really have no idea what to do.

What About Trust?

**NOTE: I started writing this weeks ago. WEEKS. I’ve been wrestling with it. We’ve argued about it and made up/broke up since. So it starts weeks ago. Others have been written since so I feel a bit backtracking… I’ll note when it changes to ‘current’.**

All he’s ever told me was he wants honesty. Truth. I shouldn’t hide things from him. He could handle whatever I had to say except a lie!

I picked up his phone.  He went into the bank, and while I was bored, I grabbed his phone. I often use his phone to play my games. I have the password. So I don’t feel as though I violated privacy.

When I unlocked his phone to play my game? It was on POF. He had recent messages and I never read them.

We both had POF accounts while apart. I took mine down (RIP POF) .

When we got back together? He made his profile ‘private’. He paid for the service so I guess ‘private’ is different. I don’t know. I thought if you hid your profile you didn’t get new messages. So ‘hiding’ the profile was fine. I never figured he was looking around.

I have declined contact with many people I met through there. Any I keep contact with are aware I am monogamous and they never press the issue. Legit friends!

But he saw the first paragraph of this blog as I was writing it. He’s smart. He figured out I saw he had POF messages.

Next day he mentioned POF casually and told me he didn’t know why he still got messages. He chalked it up to not really knowing. He made a point of showing me where it says his profile is turned off.  “I don’t know why I still get messages” was the explanation.

Not much later I was playing my game and a pop-up came along that she messaged him again. And I read it. I invaded his messages. I feel like I am a horrible person for invading his privacy. I’ve never read his messages before unless he said I could.

Except? It wasn’t long ago he was reading my emails and Facebook, without my permission, to see what I was saying to people. He called me on some shit and I changed my ways. If he can invade my privacy like that? Tit for tat.

When we got back together? I took down all my profiles. I stopped making dates. I told people who were friends that I was with him and monogamy was important.

But? I saw his phone again. After he tried to tell me it was just some random message. After he showed me he DOES have his profile turned off! Except the message WASN’T random.  As of when I saw the message? He told her she wasn’t too far to drive to meet. He also proactively messaged another to say, ‘hey, we never did get that coffee’.

If he wants other women? He should have them! I have never discouraged that. I only gave up my own options because I thought he wanted monogamy. He can’t stand the idea of another man touching me.

I DID want to be with him. I am hurt he is obviously pursuing another woman while telling me I am his only. I am hurt he lies to me while calling me a liar. I am angry he is hiding it while being morally self-righteous about me and calling me names, like slut.

All he asked of me was honesty. I’ve been giving that and living that because I committed to him. I have been all in. I also committed to myself that I will not jump on the next dick to come along just because he hurts me. I’ve been true to my word! Most importantly to ME.

If he wants to pursue other adventures? All I want is to know. I get hurt by the hidden, not by the actions. Just tell me. Allow me the same. Share the experiences. Stop calling me a slut for the same behaviour.

However we didn’t talk about it. I thought we were ‘not seeing other people’. I told any other prospect I wasn’t going to meet them. I cut off anyone who was being too persistent and made it clear I only wanted friendship.

**OK. We’re a couple weeks later. We fought and argued about it. He kept telling me I am not trustworthy while invading my email/Facebook messages and questioning me on every word to every person. He also deleted and blocked some of my friends. And told me he wants out.***

Then we kind of half made up. It was the sex. I even told him I felt unsexy but he told me he’d make me feel it. He really made love to me. He asked, after, if I felt okay with it. I gave him the replies I thought he needed to hear. But, I still felt unsexy.

Then we fought again. He went behind my back to read my messages. He read innocent things I easily explained. So I started deleting everything. Then it became about me deleting things?

WHAT? He had already deleted everything and every password/profile from the computer. But I am the one hiding things? Pot, Kettle.

But we fought hard. We are not a couple. Too many horrible things were said to me to forgive them. I won’t give him cause to call me the things he said in that horrific text. I can’t even embarrass myself to share his words. How disgusting he makes me feel.

Still? I told him I will be respectful until either of us leave. We’re being civil. I think it would be easier for me to find a place and I want to make sure he has a place so I am wanting to leave him mine.

I feel misled.

We were working on things. I had given him full access to read things. His lack of trust led him to misinterpret things I let him read. His anger/temper led him to treat me badly. In the end? And it is the end. I cannot forgive what he said yesterday. It went too far and I can never trust him to love me again.

I’ll keep him around and we can take care of each other until we find a way to make our way on our own. But I am still barely surviving his words. Too hurt to even share them. Humiliated and shameful for something I never did.\

He may not trust I’m being faithful. I will never trust a loving word that ever comes out of his mouth again.