Aahhhh. The manic set in today. And it feels so good.
Along with my physical disabilities? I battle manic depression, severe social anxiety and OCD.
The OCD isn’t obsessive cleaning or counting or anything over the top. It’s the least of my issues. It’s more about keeping everything in my environment controlled in such a way I can avoid the anxiety and/or depression. OCD doesn’t affect me at all, really. But it affects anyone trying to live with me. My needing things to be a certain way for bizarre or unexplained reasons. Still, it’s minor.
The anxiety? Well, that’s tough. I set out to do things and retreat at the first sign of confrontation. When there is something I really need and things don’t go the way I hope? I become so overwhelmed I cry. If I face confrontation? I cry. Sometimes I cry from being misunderstood. Crying is MOSTLY how my anxiety comes out. I have also crumbled on the floor of the grocery store, unable to go on because it is too much. My anxiety is my second worse issue.
The manic depression though.
The depression inundates me. I submerge myself in it. Days. Weeks. Months? That has happened often enough. Depression overpowers me. I can talk all I want about making change but it doesn’t happen. I dream about taking care of my home properly. I dream about taking care of myself properly. I ache to get off my couch and be active.
Sooner or later? The manic happens. I wake up one day that starts good and only gets better. Next thing I know? I am in overdrive.
Today was so manic! It was a payday (those are often good days) so I paid all my bills with a bit extra on each. I went grocery shopping and FILLED my freezer. I bought a new heater to help with the chill in my RV. I ran several other miscellaneous errands.
I came home and completely cleaned my living room area. Vacuuming, tidying, etc. I did four loads of laundry, including all the couch cushions and blankets. I cleaned the bedroom area.
Now? I’m in the process of some self love. Dyeing my hair before I have a nice hot shower and make an epic meal. The menu? Steak, stuffed baked potatoes and salad.
I am feeling so much relief about feeling motivated. It feels so GREAT to accomplish so much in one day. I feel compelled to get other things done and I have a plan for doing them tomorrow.
Is manic supposed to feel good? Like accomplishment? I recognize I am manic. I’m tired. My racing thoughts haven’t changed. I just have this spontaneous motivation. I feel if I don’t do EVERYTHING in the next two days while I have my manic energy? They will fall by the wayside again.
And if I fail in accomplishing the other goals? I will get tired and chastise myself for not doing enough. I’ll feel anxiety about it being ‘fake happiness’ that never really amounts to getting things done long term. Then I’ll spiral down into freak out mode. I’ll lose control for a couple days and then I’ll be fine for a while but depressed because it happened again.
This is the first time I have been so clear on the pattern.
How do I break the pattern? How do I focus on those positive steps made in the manic moments? How do I carry the accomplished feeling forward? How do I let the manic accomplishments spur motivation and not anxiety?