I have been struggling a lot emotionally lately. Some of it started around the time of my birthday. I made some great personal changes in my life (pool membership/exercise, back to my counselor, etc).
However I have also been fighting and struggling with something. I haven’t talked about it because it makes me so sad. But I need to let it out. So, this is the email I sent my mom today.
This might be hard to read. Sorry.I’m sorry I didn’t send you a birthday card this year. I was struggling emotionally and financially. I couldn’t afford card and postage. And I brought myself into enough emotional normalcy to at least send an email.And I am sorry it was an email, not something more personal.Is that why you never sent me a birthday card?You taught me always to send thank you notes, be reciprocal. You complained about how Brandi never sent anything… so why should you? And I totally understand that attitude. I’ve ditched many a pen pal for lack of reciprocation.This was the first time I can remember that I never got a birthday card from you. I walked to the office so expectantly for a week before and after. And I have spent weeks crying about it.I can’t cry anymore. I need to move past this.I feel like the day I was born isn’t worth your celebration anymore. You’d send a card with your birthday message and often a verse of Scripture that I would meditate on that day.To honour you and the day you gave life to me.I really missed that this year. i don’t believe the same things as you but it doesn’t mean I don’t want and need you to be in my life in YOUR ways. I missed my birthday Scripture this year. I looked for it for weeks….. and I am still crying.I love you. I’m sorry to put this on you.