A Letter To My Mom

I have been struggling a lot emotionally lately. Some of it started around the time of my birthday. I made some great personal changes in my life (pool membership/exercise, back to my counselor, etc).

However I have also been fighting and struggling with something. I haven’t talked about it because it makes me so sad. But I need to let it out. So, this is the email I sent my mom today.

This might be hard to read. Sorry.

I’m sorry I didn’t send you a birthday card this year. I was struggling emotionally and financially. I couldn’t afford card and postage. And I brought myself into enough emotional normalcy to at least send an email.

And I am sorry it was an email, not something more personal.

Is that why you never sent me a birthday card?

You taught me always to send thank you notes, be reciprocal. You complained about how Brandi never sent anything…   so why should you? And I totally understand that attitude. I’ve ditched many a pen pal for lack of reciprocation.

This was the first time I can remember that I never got a birthday card from you. I walked to the office so expectantly for a week before and after. And I have spent weeks crying about it.

I can’t cry anymore. I need to move past this.

I feel like the day I was born isn’t worth your celebration anymore. You’d send a card with your birthday message and often a verse of Scripture that I would meditate on that day.To honour you and the day you gave life to me.

I really missed that this year. i don’t believe the same things as you but it doesn’t mean I don’t want and need you to be in my life in YOUR ways. I missed my birthday Scripture this year.  I looked for it for weeks….. and I am still crying.

I love you. I’m sorry to put this on you.

I feel selfish for being SO sad about it. My parents are having their own health issues. And I missed their birthdays as well. Who am I to judge my mom for whatever reason?

But I have been crying for weeks. And I need to let it go. And writing it is the only way. Hopefully tonight I fall asleep more peacefully.

My New Chromebook

**I am NOT tech savvy! I need to be talked into trying new things. This is written from that perspective!**

A friend bought me an Asus Chromebook. He thought it would be great for me to be able to blog more, maybe even write about things while I am out n about.

I can’t say enough how happy I am with my new Chromebook!

If you are looking for a device that works as a laptop AND tablet? That will be a regular internet connection but also you can use your Android/Smartphone apps? Has a long battery life? The Asus Chromebook might be for you.

It’s a SOLID STATE hard drive so everything just happens so quickly. I can watch my Netlix while blogging in a side by side window. And everything runs smooth because it’s all just Chrome. The only ‘games’ I play are apps and it works perfect for them as well.

It connects to Wifi and Bluetooth (works great with my Bose). Sounds great through my headphones. The speakers in the device itself are what you would expect out of a mini-laptop. Decent quality but low volume.

Set-up? Well, it came with some battery charge so I pretty much flipped it open (it powered up without a press of anything) and I logged into my Google account. Done!

If you’re looking for something super easy that operates as both a tablet and a laptop but won’t break your bank? I highly recommend this lovely device I am typing on right now!

My Lines

Can you believe I have lines? Morality lines?

I go on cam, post pics of my pussy and talk very frankly about everything.

You can spontaneous dick pic me. You can be a hooker. You can be super religious. You can use hard drugs. You can be any race or colour. I really don’t care. Because regardless of who you are I will accept you unless you hurt me!

I’ve known murderers. I’ve been a drug dealer. I met a professional bank robber once and thought he was so awesome. I lived with an art thief. I killed my best friend with my illegal wedding to keep a refugee in the country. There is nothing you could tell me that would make me less likely to accept you.

There are so few lines I have to be crossed.

One line that people cross and seems to irritate me more than others? Talking about people behind their back. Gossip. Trashing talking someone unable to defend themselves.

It’s not that I care what people think of others or how they express it. It matters when I hear/read that shit-talking in a venue where the person being spoken about is not there to defend themselves.

I don’t think the shit talkers are wrong with the info. I just wish they would be courageous enough to speak their opinions to the person involved instead of behind their back.

Social media is bad for that. It’s something I am currently ‘fighting’ online. Not about me (for once) but I am trying to defend others and being asked who I think I am that I would question ‘gossip’ when I’m perceived to have fewer morals than the people responding.

Whatever. They can think they are better because all they do is gossip and, well, I’m me. But I’d rather be hated for drinking and fucking too much than be condescending and disparaging about someone who is not there to defend themselves.

I guess that’s one of my lines!

The Red Tent

*I’m pagan but grew up submersed in Christianity so the Bible is something I am still curious about but I’m not promoting a belief in it

**Please don’t judge my Netflix choices

The other day I chose to watch a series called The Red Tent. I chose it because the description said it was based on a book loosely based on the story of Dinah from the Old Testament of the Bible.

As a rape victim who was raped each time by known perpetrators I was curious about the story of the rape of Dinah.

Dinah. Genesis 34. Sister to the twelve tribes of Jacob. Whose brothers defended her honour when they believed she was raped.

The Netflix version presented another option to my thought process. Same story from another angle. What if she actually loved the prince and was only going against her fathers faith/tradition? Her brothers thought she was defiled but….

I went back and checked my Bible. I checked KJV and JHV (Jail House Version). I had some kind of Bible study looking the story up and comparing it to the movie/TV story.

Even in the Bible her ‘rapist prince’ comes to the father and tries to amend things. He allows Jacob’s sons to circumcise not only him but all his men to prove his love for her.

While they are in recovery? Jacob’s sons go in and murder her husband and all his men in their sleep and kidnap their sister back. They claim retribution but Jacob says they’ve brought shame.

Why would he feel shame in their actions if there wasn’t more to the story?

I’m not sure why I am even writing about this. I believe the Bible to be literature. Some of it is fairy tales. Some of it poetry. Some of it contains general wisdom.

I guess watching this makes me think about women.

The premise of The Red Tent is about what women learn from each other. It’s about the teachings and sacred things that happened in the outskirts where women were told to call ‘unclean’.

*I find that funny because I call ‘unclean’ and joke about ‘going to a tent’ when I bleed….   is that biblically taught behaviour?

In that sacred place they practice a religion outside of ‘Jacob’s’ faith.  I identified with the idea of a woman who came from a religion forced on her and broke free.

I watched it to the end. Biblically based (loosely) but it gave me a different perspective. Maybe a woman’s perspective? I’m not sure. But if you have any Christian inclination? I recommend this!

 

 

 

Feeling Large ‘N In Charge!

One of the changes I decided to make this year of my life is to take control of exercising more. I’ve been walking more and now it’s time to hit the exercise class at the aquatic centre.

I LOVE aquatic aerobics and they are the best exercise for someone who has my kind of joint/muscle pain.  However, I don’t own a swimsuit right now and the local aquatic centre is a bit pricey for someone with my income.

The thing is? My dad always told me ‘you only don’t have because you don’t ask’.  So I asked. Do you offer any kind of assistance to someone with disability income level who would benefit from using your facility? The very kind woman gave me a card to contact someone else and ask.

Sure enough I meet the requirements for help and it’s been set up. The discount? It’s almost 100% off.

It was with a heart full of excitement that I began to shop for my swimsuit. Everything I could find in town was over $100 (yikes) so I went on good ‘ole Amazon and found the one in the picture. Measured myself up and went to pick my size.

WTF? I am not a 4 XL. The biggest I ever wore was 3XL when I was 400 pounds. But I guess online sizing is meant to make you feel like you’re bigger than you are. Other women’s comments said they ordered according to the size chart even though they also feel like they are not a 4 XL. They were glad they did because it fit them perfect.

I ordered the suit in the size it said I should (the 4 XL). But apparently it’s good I am taking charge of getting more exercise because I’m larger than life. I hope that after the soul crushing size choice it at least fits when it gets here.