The Landlord

The wonderful woman who owns the property I live on has become a treasure to me. She told me before I signed my lease this is a place people find healing.

Since moving in? I have space in her garden. We’ve shared meals. We visit regularly.

At the same time? I have been struggling with depression. I’m in my ideal situation but can’t find motivation to do things I want to do.

I want to take advantage of the garden space she offered. I want to make my own yard beautiful. I have every tool at my disposal. The weather is perfect. So why can’t I get off my couch?

I go for walks but then I feel exhausted by them. I make minor attempts to clean my home but I am exhausted by them. Self care is on my back-burner. I feel defeated.

But then my 82 yr old landlord comes up the path with her walker. She sits with me on the porch and I tell her I’m sorry I haven’t started ‘doing’ more with the beautiful space.

She reminds me I was chosen to be here so I can heal. She understands things take me longer, even adjusting to a good environment, and she is so glad I am here. She tells me to enjoy the quiet. Rest. Just, BE.

Beyond the perfect home? I have such a kind, caring landlord. Right now there are days she is the one who gets me through.

Peepers

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I thought I saw dirt fly off a truck today but it was Peepers. A tiny bird that got smacked. He landed in the middle of the highway I was waiting to cross with cars whizzing past him.
So, obviously, I stopped morning highway traffic frantically and ran out to get him. Ha ha.
He was so little. He peeped in my hand (thus the name) and I got him to the side of he road. No broken wings’ just a bit stunned but wouldn’t leave. Even though he flapped a bit? It wasn’t to fly away, only to get comfortable. He nested in my shirt until I got him home.
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I wasn’t quite sure what to do because it’s a bird. He wouldn’t leave my shirt and I wanted to make him a nest but I was worried about Sami. My precious cat! I chose to bring him inside anyway.
Peepers never flew and Sami never fussed so I made him a little nest on a towel and put him out on the porch.
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After a short while I went to check on him. I put some suet in my hand from my bird feeder and Peepers jumped right in my hand, ate the food and flew away.
It filled my heart with sparks of love to help that tiny creature today!

Dear… Insurance Company

I’m feeling like the next insurance review is creeping and I am scared. This is my preemptive way of trying to ward things off while I am still trying to get help. I’m really scared.

My doctor quit before I could even fulfil my seeing specialists he referred. And then they quit, too? I needed to write this. I omitted my personal info like case numbers and address but this is what is going out to the people who decide if I get money to live.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to update you on my current address and medical information.

I recently moved and my mailing address is now: (removed for obvious reasons)

Also, I currently am not under a physician’s care. Dr. Fletcher retired, without notice to patients, last November. I have since put myself on the waiting list for a physician in my area but it is a two year waiting list. I continue to see my counsellor and I was able to refill my anxiety medication prescription through Oceanside Health Care

However, at the time Dr Fletcher retired I was still awaiting medical referral to a psychiatrist. I don’t know where the referral stands.

I also had been referred to a Dr. Vander… for a gastroscopy. I showed up for the procedure but it is a small, local hospital and my procedure was moved because an emergency C-section came in. The person driving me could not wait and I had to leave before they could get to my procedure.

Since that referral and procedure ‘mishap’? The surgeon I was referred to has also left the area.

I am at a quandry. I want desperately to be under doctor care, to get the evaluations/tests I need. I am limited by my ability to travel because I don’t drive and can’t afford intercity travel. I’m waiting for doctor care in my area to re-refer to a surgeon for testing and to find out where I am with my previous referral to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatric evaluation is what is crucial to me. I feel like my mental health is deteriorating quickly. I’m scared. I need help that my counselor cannot provide and cannot find a basic physician to help manage.

You require me to be under care. I am sure, as an insurance company, you have local doctors everywhere. Can you not assign me some kind of local psychiatrist? Can you help speed the process to get me under doctor care?

I am scared. I suffer anxiety and my biggest anxiety now is that I will receive some kind of forms from you before I can find a doctor. And I am not being adequately treated which means my health is failing more.

You’re my insurance company. Isn’t it in your best interest to help me find care? Can you please help me find a physician in my area? Psychiatrist? Please.

Also, I respectfully request you acknowledge this letter with a written confirmation you received my new address and medical update. Thank you.

We’ll see.

I’m just prematurely terrified. I hope.

Shower Sex

WHAT? Yes, a sexy blog.

WARNING XXX: THIS CONTAINS INFO ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. PLEASE DON’T READ FURTHER IF SEXY THINGS OFFEND YOU.

I’ve never been into shower sex. It’s awkward, slippery and rarely satisfying. Movies make it look it easy and sexy but…

I’ve tried it. Varied men at varied heights and varied sorts of ‘shower’ situations. Those things generally mean unsatisfying sexual encounters. I have pretty much avoided shower sex for a long time based on past experiences.

My new home? Has a giant bathtub with a handle around the middle of the tub.  The shower curtain is curved (like a hotel, yes) allowing for a lot of room.

When he wanted to go for a shower the other night? I asked if I could join him. Just to try something different.

He has always fit me perfectly from any angle. Taller than I am but seems to fit in ‘standing’ position. We joked around, soaping each other, before I grabbed the tub surround handle and he took me.

Quick and unexpected.

Hot.

Tonight? I needed that again.

He came home from work (landscaping, so covered in dirt). I knew I wanted him. He’s been jack-hammering cement for two days. His muscles? They are pulsing. They ache for touch.

And I gave him that. Hot water running over him. My hands scrubbing soap over his body. Kissing him. Relaxing him.

Any then? He fucked me so well. My one hand on the shower handle, another on the wall.  He grabbed me and rewarded me so hard for taking care of him.

I think I have a knew feeling about shower sex!

Getting My Shit Together

Been a while since I wrote,  so here is a quick update.

I still love my new home. I still have lots of ideas for things like gardening, etc and I have done some prep.

But I stalled.

I sit and look at my sunny porch from my couch and I do nothing. I have no motivation, only longing. I decided today, I am going to take some advice from Jordan Peterson.

If you are ignoring your goal find out why! Is it something you really want? (Yes) Is it too big? Are you overwhelmed? Do you need you change your plan? Start with smaller steps!

Today I took the small step of picking up a broken planter and setting up to make sure it would work for the ‘fairy planter’ I want to create.

It was ONE step. I suppose writing this blog is another step.

His next piece of advice? It’s awesome that you took one step, any step, toward accomplishing your goal. Don’t chastise yourself it was small, instead reward yourself because it was a step!

I’ve had a rewarding feeling evening between food, vino and foot rub!

Tomorrow? Another step!

Maybe I can get off this couch and get my shit together!