Depression rears its ugly head so often in my life these days. I’ve managed to keep it mostly at bay with having bouts that goes for days instead of months.

But it’s been over a week now.

I have done as many things as I can to motivate myself and yet today I find myself watching war movies back to back. It’s my third day in a row on the couch. Yesterday I watched LGBTQ documentaries all day. The day before that was Season 12 of Grey’ Anatomy.

How have I tried to motivate myself?

By doing healthy things. I cleaned my bathroom. I planted some late harvest garden plants (I love bumper crops). I’ve tried to manage some self care like eating right, exercise and showering. Keep in mind these things have been spaced out over a couple of weeks and seem so insignificant to me that they are almost more depressing.

And it’s not entirely true. I went three days without a shower at one point because I was too lethargic to bother.

I’m on Day 4 without alcohol. Not because I quit but because double rent months mean my money is allocated towards living expenses and not wine.

So am I depressed because I don’t have wine? Or is depression one of the side effects of coming off the amount I drink? Perhaps it’s just my usual mental health issues acting up because I’ve been feeling stressed about other things?

I often struggle to figure out what brings this on. I’m not ‘sad’. Not lonely. Just lethargic and unmotivated. Hopeless. Feeling defeated and tired. Exhausted really.

Regardless of the reason? I’ve been couchbound for a few days and I am really struggling to get out of it. It’s why I haven’t ben writing. Or going on webcam. Or changing my PJs.


Lights, Camera, Action

It’s time to get excited. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started on the Shaunda show tonight. LOL


In all my adventures? I came across a very kind man who decided it was time for me to be on camera again. So he ordered me a cam and had it shipped to me. Because? Well, I am a good slut to tell him everything going on in my world and he wants to see some of it.

I’m back to going on webcam. If you wondered why I haven’t been writing? It’s because I am in a constant dance online with men. It’s fun. I show off for them, they feed my ego. It’s my narcissistic wet dream come true.

As an exhibitionist? I value being able to explore that side of my sexuality. I want every man to watch me and get off. I like to be super dirty and sexual without having to be touched. (that’s my anxiety kicking in LOL)

I was on cam before. It took so long to build a following. And I was ten years younger.

In the past week? I had one previous fan recognize me already LOL I’m getting quite a few fans and I am 4.5 out of 5 stars as far as girls on the site (viewers set that rate).

Plus, even though I don’t ask for tips? I get them.  Total bonus. Tips can be collected and cashed out into my bank account. I don’t ask for them because I am really there to be an exhibitionist and do what I want. Asking for tips means you do what THEY want. I’m too selfish for that LOL

Why do I get tips? Well, I don’t really know for sure. I mostly sit around and chat. Often in PJs. I tell guys who get demanding to get the fuck out of my chat. I ban people easily. Don’t I sound like your favourite porn? Maybe if you wanted to watch your wife bitch to get you off LOL

I occasionally get myself off. I have occasionally had a partner join me. I laugh a lot. I have people tell me I am funny and it makes me super happy. They want to see my pudgy belly and surgical scars and they say they are beautiful.

Being on cam is opening yourself up to a lot. Particularly judgement.

To be honest? I was scared to get back into that scene.  But now that I am back? I am seeing this as a healthy outlet for all the things I have been needing. Sexually and emotionally.

I have so much fun chatting with my fans about their day or the weather where they are. Germany, New Brunswick, Italy, Spain. I’ve even gathered a few local fans. One is surprisingly close though he doesn’t know it. Another? Well he’s joined me on cam.

I never thought I would get back on cam. I feel like it is rescuing me from some darkness. I feel like I am coming back into myself again. Other people have noticed as well. I glow.

So? Happy to be back on cam 🙂


Full Moon Plans

Full moon is the best time for cleansing. Purge what is plaguing you and focus on making changes to heal.

Tonight I am so excited to have a full moon ceremony. I’ll be going to the river to skinny dip and then dance naked in the moonlight by a riverside fire. Cleansing. It’s time to let go of some things I have been holding on to.

Feelings of animosity. Feelings of shame. Feeling like I am not worth being healthy for. Feeling alone. Feeling incapable.

Tonight I plan to wash all that away by splashing in the river and letting it’s water flow over me. I plan to light the path to healing from those feelings with a cleansing fire at the river’s edge. And I plan to celebrate my change with dancing in the moonlight.

I have sage to burn, candles to light along with the fire and incense to make it all very peaceful. I have some traditional Celtic music to dance to.

And I’m so grateful for my friend who brought me to such a special, secluded place. It’s close enough to walk to and private enough to be myself.

Tonight is going to be magical. I feel it.

Gaped And Swollen


I’ve been getting fucked by one person for the past two days now. Fucked hard by a huge cock. And not just fucked hard. He knows how to really open a girl up and make her gape.

He started so slow and gentle. He kissed the inside of my thighs with gentle nibbles. I loved looking down to see him staring up at me smiling, getting his nose and his tongue right inside me, making me ready for the absolute ravaging that was about to happen to me. He wanted me to be ready. Being so wanting and aching for it? Is what excited him.

It didn’t take long for me to get soaked but he still ate me and licked me for so long. I was cumming and gushing all over his face before he came up to let me taste it off his lips.

As he moved his way up my body? His hands roamed everywhere. Grabbing at all the soft parts. His gentle moans and groans as his hands took hold of my flesh made me feel like I was the most exciting woman in the universe. His squeezing started softly and began to get a little more aggressive as I pushed against him.

And he went back down. To really open a woman you need to use your fingers and your tongue. He gazed at my pussy with such admiration as he slipped the first finger in. Swirling it around he began to open me.

It took time. SO much time.

He licked me open. Fingers gently helping. Sliding two in and spreading them so his tongue could get deeper. And then more fingers.

I sucked in my breathe when he went in with two hands. Two fingers from each hand. Going in and spreading me but so gentle. So tender that is was like my pussy fell open for him. He had to work it but she wanted every part of him.

I’m not sure how many fingers ended up in me. I do know at one point, after hours of working it and fucking me to make my pussy opened up? There were fingers, vibrator AND cock.

Yes. Several hours. But done so tender and patient? I was more open than I have ever been.

So? Wanna see the monster cock that did that amazing damage?

pussy stretcher

That’s soft.

Just wow. He eventually had me so open, gushing and sloppy that he slammed me and rammed me repeatedly for hours. And, well, two days.

Probably again in the next hour or so. LOL

He’s enjoying my natural sexuality. I am enjoying giving into all my darkest parts with him.

But? I’m so swollen now. He’ll need to give extra tender kisses if he expects to even get in her tonight.

fucked raw



Growing Old

We all get old. It’s not sexy.

I’m 42, been hitting on menopause because of my heath issues. Meno? She’s a fucking fabulous wonder. Meno. Lucky me I’ve had all the hormonal crap, pain in tits crap…  just won’t stop bleeding.

In the past weeks? I have met my share of older men. I love them.

Men over 70? When I say I like wine? They show up with enough I can drink and save a bottle. I have a growing wine cooler LOL

Beyond that?

They just want to have a glass of wine with me. They tell me about their wives. Dementia. Alzheimers. Dry box from old age. They show me pictures of their grandchildren. One even said he wished his grandson could find a woman as KIND as me.

In the end? Everyone needs touch. One of the reasons older people fall hard and fast  toward death as age hits? No one touches them unless it’s to change a diaper.

They lose their lovers to age. They are so alone.


I’ve used that word a lot lately. I feel alone.

Sluts get to have people around but they never have people stay. Sluts are lonely, too.

I know what it is like to feel alone.

When these men come to me? They think they want sex. More often than not? They have a glass of wine with me. And they tell me about their wife. And they cry as I hold one hand while they use the other to jerk off. I kiss their penis as they cum on my face.

And they cry. And they apologize. And they are so kind.

I tell them they should not feel ashamed. They are safe to be sexual around me and not feel like they are a bad man. That being able to experience them was a pleasure for me. And I tell them to go visit their wife right after. While they are still glowing from cumming on someone and feeling like a man.

I get my hugs and kisses that way.

I don’t always need a dick. I love the hugs from men who are growing older and just need someone to make them feel like a man for a moment.

Give Them An Inch…


That saying, “Give someone an inch and they’ll take a mile”?

I’m gonna switch that up for fun. Give me a finger and I’ll take a foot.

Yep. Did that. Not fisted, footed.

footm in box

My pussy isn’t that big but it needs big things in it. And I am not big on foreign objects like wine bottles… but if a guy decides he wants his toes in me? Sure. Lets give that a try.

I came.

He came afterward. I don’t think foot fucking was what he had in mind but he was awesome and it was fun. Additionally? It was a first. And I LOVE firsts.

So? He foot fucked me raw.

foot fucked raw

I needed it. I felt pretty hot as I rode his foot, reading him dirty blogs and other filth from other people.

And whatever? I got what I wanted. He got surprised not even knowing what he wanted. We both walked away satisfied.  But today my lady parts need a break!

I took a fucking foot LMAO



End Result?

We got our groove on. I did call him the N word. He wanted it. Even though he doesn’t look ‘black’ (sorry if that sounds racist). I am just trying to describe a look. He has longer, thick, wavy hair and dark, piercing eyes.  He looks Indian, Bollywood style but also Native American. Such an exotic look.

And even though I gave into calling him what he wanted and saying terrible things to him? He also called me equally dirty words and spanked me a bit. I feel like we were equal LOL

That was a first. He was fun. Funny. I read him my original blog about him and he found it humorous, I think. After we were done and were reading comments? He found it even more funny.

He says he wants to see me again.

Things we connect on? Pics and videos. He took good pics and great video.  He has no issue with another man in the room so bukkake is fine. He is STD free and carries condoms (always a plus). And?

He was cute. Like really cute. Taller than me. Tanned skin with shaggy dark hair. Piercing eyes. Tattoos. Fit. He made it super easy to want to get that. Twice.

And that is the result of my first ever cross culture experience!


Call Me Your Nigger?

Yep. Just dropped the N bomb.

Why? Because I have never taken a black dick before and I have a mixed race guy who wants to come over and have me as his personal dessert.

I let him know I have never gone black. No disrespect about that. But when I tried to date a guy in high school I was just taught, in my family, that mixed race anything was not something I should invite in my life. I looked at the black hand holding mine and let go.

And tonight? I am going to take my first ever semi-black cock. I told him I don’t do that and this is really a first for me.

His response? He told me he wants me to call him my nigger.

Yep. Call him the N word and tell him how he needs to please his mistress’ white/pink pussy. He doesn’t want to enter me. Just finger and tongue. Plus provide me with weed n wine. And he wants to be my ‘good’ nigger.

I’m gonna roll with this and see where it goes. But just trying to get used to the word nigger rolling off my tongue in a sensitive way? AWKWARD!


Screwing The Milkman


The milkman? They don’t even have them anymore so you can tel how old he is by his nickname. I asked him what I should call him in my blog. He said he was a milkman back in the day. The olden golden days LOL

Yes. I bring sex to seniors.  They love a sweet ‘young’ thing like me giving them attention. And when I follow through on my flirting? It blows there fucking minds. It’s that reaction to my willingness I think is so cool. Seeing their delight as they get to see younger pussy for the first time in how many years? Feeling them drool all over me.

His shaky fingers, thick with arthritis? Yep, they got me off last night. And the dirty dog forgot his spectacles here so he is coming back today. He asked very politely if he could lick me again. Also asked if he could bring me wine. Old men are chivalrous that way.

So, apparently, I’ll be taking the milkman into my mix of men. Hopefully he keeps me filled up on cream!


Bukkake Dreams


Long before I took a dick in my pussy? When I still only had the hankering for munching box? I had bukkake dreams.





(Physiology) a sexual practice in which several men ejaculate on the face of an individual woman


Yep! I know it’s super slutty and dirty but I have longed for a bukkake facial for a long time. There is something about it that is so hot. All those men so hot and hard just jerking off in front of each other because they want to cum on you so much. I ache for it.

The concept of those men showering me with their cum? Something about that gets me off.

I shared that with a friend. He’s the kind of guy who is supportive of everything I want or desire in my life sexually. He’s sweet enough to make my dream come true.

Yes. I am going to have a Bukkake Dream Party. He put out an ad online to find the right guys. They have to provide a clean STD check to enter. He will make sure every guy is respectful and kind to me. He wants this for me as much as I want it.

I feel super excited. Special, that someone would hear what my fantasy is and arrange it for me with protection provided. It will be mid-September. Pics and videos will be taken.

I’m so fucking excited I get to have a long time dirty fantasy come true with the help and care of someone who appreciates my dark side.