Depression rears its ugly head so often in my life these days. I’ve managed to keep it mostly at bay with having bouts that goes for days instead of months.
But it’s been over a week now.
I have done as many things as I can to motivate myself and yet today I find myself watching war movies back to back. It’s my third day in a row on the couch. Yesterday I watched LGBTQ documentaries all day. The day before that was Season 12 of Grey’ Anatomy.
How have I tried to motivate myself?
By doing healthy things. I cleaned my bathroom. I planted some late harvest garden plants (I love bumper crops). I’ve tried to manage some self care like eating right, exercise and showering. Keep in mind these things have been spaced out over a couple of weeks and seem so insignificant to me that they are almost more depressing.
And it’s not entirely true. I went three days without a shower at one point because I was too lethargic to bother.
I’m on Day 4 without alcohol. Not because I quit but because double rent months mean my money is allocated towards living expenses and not wine.
So am I depressed because I don’t have wine? Or is depression one of the side effects of coming off the amount I drink? Perhaps it’s just my usual mental health issues acting up because I’ve been feeling stressed about other things?
I often struggle to figure out what brings this on. I’m not ‘sad’. Not lonely. Just lethargic and unmotivated. Hopeless. Feeling defeated and tired. Exhausted really.
Regardless of the reason? I’ve been couchbound for a few days and I am really struggling to get out of it. It’s why I haven’t ben writing. Or going on webcam. Or changing my PJs.