Unashamed

It’s been a long time since I have written. I get ‘couchbound’ where I can’t do anything. It’s where I am right now.

I have so many things to take care of. My ‘free Canadian health care’ gets less free when you neglect to file your taxes. My provincial MSP plan is on my back for payment. I need to file my taxes before I call them or I can’t go see a doctor. Not filing taxes or calling MSP back will affect me negatively but I haven’t been able to do either. I made some small steps like loooking up paper work and phone numbers to get it all together. I can’t gather the motivation? initiative? gumption? to make the call.

Other things to take care of? Well, personal hygiene would be good. Watering my plants which are footsteps from my house might be nice because watching them die from my couch isn’t. Cleaning my personal space.

The fact it is so difficult for me to accomplish even doing my dishes? Is embarrassing. I SHOULD feel shame.

However? When my BF comes home after a long day of work and sees I am still in my PJs on the couch? He doesn’t shame me.

He recognizes any effort I have made (like packing him a lunch that day or washing some of the dishes).

And when I get so far gone I can’t take care of my own hygiene? He doesn’t even shame me then. He offers to run be a bubble bath. Like I’m the one that had a hard day, not him.

Those kindnesses he gives me takes away the shame of what I go through when I struggle every day. Because of him I survive better. There were times in my life I was bedbound from my mental health. Now I am couchbound but with encouragement not shame.

Next question.

How do I take this new feeling of being unashamed about my lack of inclination and use it as a catalyst to incite motivation?

Advertisements

Paying The Rent

I pay my rent. Something I pride myself on because I haven’t always been able to. It’s been 7 years now that I’ve paid the rent on time.  I also pay all my other bills at the same time. Epic, champion win for me!

When my landlord took me on? She’d had many previous tenant who didn’t pay on time. Always excuses.

She is kind beyond her own measure. She put up with it for a long time from previous tenants. She made sure, during my application process, to let me know paying rent on time is important.

Paying the rent on time is a piece of cake.  I make a concentrated effort to pay early so it is off my mind.

I paid July’s rent today. And the hydro bill she gets for my place every two months.  All in full and several days early.

Does that sound minor? It’s not, to me. It’s something I wasn’t able to do before and now I can. I can do  it on my own. My rent, my bills and even my groceries!!

When I paid the rent today? Another person stopped by. I was introduced as Shaunda and the visitor replied with, “Oh, the good tenant.” 🙂 Made my day!

I pay my rent on time. I’m the good tenant!!

Apple Health

I always hated Apple (Mac) products. I considered them over priced devices. Components mined by slave children in Africa, built by slave children in China and designed so the newest one is out around 5 minutes after you just bought the brand new thing. I simply didn’t want them.

On the other hand, my BF went to school for graphic design which is primarily a Mac industry so he has always raved about everything Apple. When he got his first ever cellphone (ironically, even though he is a tech geek that was last year) it was the iPhone 5s.

And he raved about it. Tried to show me how easy everything was and even downloaded games I couldn’t get on my meagre Android phone. He made it tantalizing.

Now that I have it in my hands (The Phone) I can see why everyone raves. Not only is it all so freaking simple and everything just works? There are amazing Apple apps built in to help you.

Like? Apple Health. I think this one is a game-changer for me.

One of it’s basic operating functions works like an SOS. If you are in an accident you can simply press a button and it calls 911 for you. It gives them your location AND it sends a message to your emergency contact listed in your phone you have made an SOS call.

Maybe you can’t make that signal because you are unconscious but someone else on the scene has called 911? When the EMTs arrive your phone now acts like a medic alert bracelet. From the unlock screen they can find any allergies, medications or medical conditions they should be aware of. It also gives them the power to then alert your emergency contact.

If you want to get deeper into it? You can record your medical history, keep track of tests (everything from inputting blood test results to taking your heart rate) and make a plan for better nutrition/exercise. There is a mental health component that allows you to make a diary of your mindfulness.

I’m still in search for a local doctor. This is a way I can easily track everything about my health. When I finally get to see a doctor? This will be helpful information.

And that exercise component? Without doing anything but having my phone in my pocket like normal my phone now tracks my movement. My exercise (steps or more) are monitored like a fitbit. And it tells me how I am doing.

I’m totally sedentary at the moment. I knew that. I admit as much. But seeing that word? Well, I got off the couch and checked my garden today. It motivates me to move a bit. I’d like to get it up to ‘lightly active’ by the end of the week.

Oh, and even though I’m not going over my caloric intake? 75% of my calories are from wine. So, that needs to be addressed. I know I’m an alcoholic but 75% of my caloric intake without going over my daily calories is an eye-opener.

So, Apple Health! It’s changed the way I see my phone. And it’s makers.

 

The Phone

I’ve had a crappy phone for a while now. Alcatel. Pay as you go. Can’t even send or receive picture messages. Cracked because I am clumsy.
I’ve struggled with the ability to make calls about my health things because I have limited daytime minutes and have to wait on hold. However, I have always been stubborn about paying for my own phone. So I’ve paid for what I could afford.
 
Today? My BF and I were out doing errands. He surprised me by pulling into a place where he got a brand new phone.
 
Then? He handed me his iPhone. He got me my own phone number with an amazing plan that was added to his bill.
 
Now? I have unlimited Canada-wide calling (so I can call my doctors, insurance company, etc and keep on top of my health). It also means I can call family if they want. I can text, send text pics and have 2 GB of data on top of my WiFi. That ALL makes my life easier.
I now own an iPhone 5s with a working camera. That has a plan where I can text or call anyone, anytime. He also gave me a case for it that will really protect it from me.
Our combined phone bill? Now that I don’t pay-as-you-go and have this beautiful phone? Hasn’t changed. We’ve always paid a combined total of $100/month.
We walked out of the store today with him having an iPhone 6. His sim card from the old phone was put into the new one. They put the new sim card in the old phone so I have a new number and better plan on the iPhone 5s. We paid nothing. On a plan already fitting out monthly budget.
I never thought I would be so happy about a phone but this one is kind of a game changer.

Cleaning The Pipes

WARNING: THIS HAS SOME VULGAR AND SEXUAL LANGUAGE. SOME OF IT GETS XXX

So in the past four months? My period has been sporadic a bit. Dark (like colour), arriving at will instead of on time and one particular one was extraordinarily painful.

I was worried enough to as a couple sister-friends online. I was blaming it on being on peri-menopausal and not currently under doctor care. They thought ovarian cysts and all kinds of other issues. However, the pain subsided. Because I don’t have a doctor it has gone unchecked.

**SEXY PART**

This month? I took full sexual advantage of my hormones during my PMS.

For the past two days? I have forced my BF to sexually perform every night after he gets home. I mean, he gets greeted with dinner and drinks but when he’s done?

I tell him exactly what to do and how to fuck me. I make him take me in the shower to get the filth of his workday off him. Then we take it to the bed. I’ve been making him fuck me especially hard. Crying out and making noises he’s never heard as I’ve taken every inch of him in ways I haven’t before. Over the top hot love-making.

**BACK TO LADY THINGS**

Two nights in a row of hard fucking and I bled. But this time it doesn’t hurt. It’s not dark. I don’t feel discomfort. It’s bright red and healthy looking menstrual blood.

(Bwaa ha ha, met someone who puts that stuff in their plants? Um, no!)

So, I’m thinking? Sometime a girl just needs to be really opened up. Fully penetrated, deep, hard and almost painful. Because we all need to clean the pipes!

I know I feel better.

The Landlord

The wonderful woman who owns the property I live on has become a treasure to me. She told me before I signed my lease this is a place people find healing.

Since moving in? I have space in her garden. We’ve shared meals. We visit regularly.

At the same time? I have been struggling with depression. I’m in my ideal situation but can’t find motivation to do things I want to do.

I want to take advantage of the garden space she offered. I want to make my own yard beautiful. I have every tool at my disposal. The weather is perfect. So why can’t I get off my couch?

I go for walks but then I feel exhausted by them. I make minor attempts to clean my home but I am exhausted by them. Self care is on my back-burner. I feel defeated.

But then my 82 yr old landlord comes up the path with her walker. She sits with me on the porch and I tell her I’m sorry I haven’t started ‘doing’ more with the beautiful space.

She reminds me I was chosen to be here so I can heal. She understands things take me longer, even adjusting to a good environment, and she is so glad I am here. She tells me to enjoy the quiet. Rest. Just, BE.

Beyond the perfect home? I have such a kind, caring landlord. Right now there are days she is the one who gets me through.

Peepers

IMG_20180517_103327
I thought I saw dirt fly off a truck today but it was Peepers. A tiny bird that got smacked. He landed in the middle of the highway I was waiting to cross with cars whizzing past him.
So, obviously, I stopped morning highway traffic frantically and ran out to get him. Ha ha.
He was so little. He peeped in my hand (thus the name) and I got him to the side of he road. No broken wings’ just a bit stunned but wouldn’t leave. Even though he flapped a bit? It wasn’t to fly away, only to get comfortable. He nested in my shirt until I got him home.
IMG_20180517_104933
I wasn’t quite sure what to do because it’s a bird. He wouldn’t leave my shirt and I wanted to make him a nest but I was worried about Sami. My precious cat! I chose to bring him inside anyway.
Peepers never flew and Sami never fussed so I made him a little nest on a towel and put him out on the porch.
IMG_20180517_105340
After a short while I went to check on him. I put some suet in my hand from my bird feeder and Peepers jumped right in my hand, ate the food and flew away.
It filled my heart with sparks of love to help that tiny creature today!

Dear… Insurance Company

I’m feeling like the next insurance review is creeping and I am scared. This is my preemptive way of trying to ward things off while I am still trying to get help. I’m really scared.

My doctor quit before I could even fulfil my seeing specialists he referred. And then they quit, too? I needed to write this. I omitted my personal info like case numbers and address but this is what is going out to the people who decide if I get money to live.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to update you on my current address and medical information.

I recently moved and my mailing address is now: (removed for obvious reasons)

Also, I currently am not under a physician’s care. Dr. Fletcher retired, without notice to patients, last November. I have since put myself on the waiting list for a physician in my area but it is a two year waiting list. I continue to see my counsellor and I was able to refill my anxiety medication prescription through Oceanside Health Care

However, at the time Dr Fletcher retired I was still awaiting medical referral to a psychiatrist. I don’t know where the referral stands.

I also had been referred to a Dr. Vander… for a gastroscopy. I showed up for the procedure but it is a small, local hospital and my procedure was moved because an emergency C-section came in. The person driving me could not wait and I had to leave before they could get to my procedure.

Since that referral and procedure ‘mishap’? The surgeon I was referred to has also left the area.

I am at a quandry. I want desperately to be under doctor care, to get the evaluations/tests I need. I am limited by my ability to travel because I don’t drive and can’t afford intercity travel. I’m waiting for doctor care in my area to re-refer to a surgeon for testing and to find out where I am with my previous referral to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatric evaluation is what is crucial to me. I feel like my mental health is deteriorating quickly. I’m scared. I need help that my counselor cannot provide and cannot find a basic physician to help manage.

You require me to be under care. I am sure, as an insurance company, you have local doctors everywhere. Can you not assign me some kind of local psychiatrist? Can you help speed the process to get me under doctor care?

I am scared. I suffer anxiety and my biggest anxiety now is that I will receive some kind of forms from you before I can find a doctor. And I am not being adequately treated which means my health is failing more.

You’re my insurance company. Isn’t it in your best interest to help me find care? Can you please help me find a physician in my area? Psychiatrist? Please.

Also, I respectfully request you acknowledge this letter with a written confirmation you received my new address and medical update. Thank you.

We’ll see.

I’m just prematurely terrified. I hope.

Shower Sex

WHAT? Yes, a sexy blog.

WARNING XXX: THIS CONTAINS INFO ABOUT MY SEX LIFE. PLEASE DON’T READ FURTHER IF SEXY THINGS OFFEND YOU.

I’ve never been into shower sex. It’s awkward, slippery and rarely satisfying. Movies make it look it easy and sexy but…

I’ve tried it. Varied men at varied heights and varied sorts of ‘shower’ situations. Those things generally mean unsatisfying sexual encounters. I have pretty much avoided shower sex for a long time based on past experiences.

My new home? Has a giant bathtub with a handle around the middle of the tub.  The shower curtain is curved (like a hotel, yes) allowing for a lot of room.

When he wanted to go for a shower the other night? I asked if I could join him. Just to try something different.

He has always fit me perfectly from any angle. Taller than I am but seems to fit in ‘standing’ position. We joked around, soaping each other, before I grabbed the tub surround handle and he took me.

Quick and unexpected.

Hot.

Tonight? I needed that again.

He came home from work (landscaping, so covered in dirt). I knew I wanted him. He’s been jack-hammering cement for two days. His muscles? They are pulsing. They ache for touch.

And I gave him that. Hot water running over him. My hands scrubbing soap over his body. Kissing him. Relaxing him.

Any then? He fucked me so well. My one hand on the shower handle, another on the wall.  He grabbed me and rewarded me so hard for taking care of him.

I think I have a knew feeling about shower sex!

Getting My Shit Together

Been a while since I wrote,  so here is a quick update.

I still love my new home. I still have lots of ideas for things like gardening, etc and I have done some prep.

But I stalled.

I sit and look at my sunny porch from my couch and I do nothing. I have no motivation, only longing. I decided today, I am going to take some advice from Jordan Peterson.

If you are ignoring your goal find out why! Is it something you really want? (Yes) Is it too big? Are you overwhelmed? Do you need you change your plan? Start with smaller steps!

Today I took the small step of picking up a broken planter and setting up to make sure it would work for the ‘fairy planter’ I want to create.

It was ONE step. I suppose writing this blog is another step.

His next piece of advice? It’s awesome that you took one step, any step, toward accomplishing your goal. Don’t chastise yourself it was small, instead reward yourself because it was a step!

I’ve had a rewarding feeling evening between food, vino and foot rub!

Tomorrow? Another step!

Maybe I can get off this couch and get my shit together!