Unashamed

It’s been a long time since I have written. I get ‘couchbound’ where I can’t do anything. It’s where I am right now.

I have so many things to take care of. My ‘free Canadian health care’ gets less free when you neglect to file your taxes. My provincial MSP plan is on my back for payment. I need to file my taxes before I call them or I can’t go see a doctor. Not filing taxes or calling MSP back will affect me negatively but I haven’t been able to do either. I made some small steps like loooking up paper work and phone numbers to get it all together. I can’t gather the motivation? initiative? gumption? to make the call.

Other things to take care of? Well, personal hygiene would be good. Watering my plants which are footsteps from my house might be nice because watching them die from my couch isn’t. Cleaning my personal space.

The fact it is so difficult for me to accomplish even doing my dishes? Is embarrassing. I SHOULD feel shame.

However? When my BF comes home after a long day of work and sees I am still in my PJs on the couch? He doesn’t shame me.

He recognizes any effort I have made (like packing him a lunch that day or washing some of the dishes).

And when I get so far gone I can’t take care of my own hygiene? He doesn’t even shame me then. He offers to run be a bubble bath. Like I’m the one that had a hard day, not him.

Those kindnesses he gives me takes away the shame of what I go through when I struggle every day. Because of him I survive better. There were times in my life I was bedbound from my mental health. Now I am couchbound but with encouragement not shame.

Next question.

How do I take this new feeling of being unashamed about my lack of inclination and use it as a catalyst to incite motivation?

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Cleaning The Pipes

WARNING: THIS HAS SOME VULGAR AND SEXUAL LANGUAGE. SOME OF IT GETS XXX

So in the past four months? My period has been sporadic a bit. Dark (like colour), arriving at will instead of on time and one particular one was extraordinarily painful.

I was worried enough to as a couple sister-friends online. I was blaming it on being on peri-menopausal and not currently under doctor care. They thought ovarian cysts and all kinds of other issues. However, the pain subsided. Because I don’t have a doctor it has gone unchecked.

**SEXY PART**

This month? I took full sexual advantage of my hormones during my PMS.

For the past two days? I have forced my BF to sexually perform every night after he gets home. I mean, he gets greeted with dinner and drinks but when he’s done?

I tell him exactly what to do and how to fuck me. I make him take me in the shower to get the filth of his workday off him. Then we take it to the bed. I’ve been making him fuck me especially hard. Crying out and making noises he’s never heard as I’ve taken every inch of him in ways I haven’t before. Over the top hot love-making.

**BACK TO LADY THINGS**

Two nights in a row of hard fucking and I bled. But this time it doesn’t hurt. It’s not dark. I don’t feel discomfort. It’s bright red and healthy looking menstrual blood.

(Bwaa ha ha, met someone who puts that stuff in their plants? Um, no!)

So, I’m thinking? Sometime a girl just needs to be really opened up. Fully penetrated, deep, hard and almost painful. Because we all need to clean the pipes!

I know I feel better.

Dear… Insurance Company

I’m feeling like the next insurance review is creeping and I am scared. This is my preemptive way of trying to ward things off while I am still trying to get help. I’m really scared.

My doctor quit before I could even fulfil my seeing specialists he referred. And then they quit, too? I needed to write this. I omitted my personal info like case numbers and address but this is what is going out to the people who decide if I get money to live.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to update you on my current address and medical information.

I recently moved and my mailing address is now: (removed for obvious reasons)

Also, I currently am not under a physician’s care. Dr. Fletcher retired, without notice to patients, last November. I have since put myself on the waiting list for a physician in my area but it is a two year waiting list. I continue to see my counsellor and I was able to refill my anxiety medication prescription through Oceanside Health Care

However, at the time Dr Fletcher retired I was still awaiting medical referral to a psychiatrist. I don’t know where the referral stands.

I also had been referred to a Dr. Vander… for a gastroscopy. I showed up for the procedure but it is a small, local hospital and my procedure was moved because an emergency C-section came in. The person driving me could not wait and I had to leave before they could get to my procedure.

Since that referral and procedure ‘mishap’? The surgeon I was referred to has also left the area.

I am at a quandry. I want desperately to be under doctor care, to get the evaluations/tests I need. I am limited by my ability to travel because I don’t drive and can’t afford intercity travel. I’m waiting for doctor care in my area to re-refer to a surgeon for testing and to find out where I am with my previous referral to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatric evaluation is what is crucial to me. I feel like my mental health is deteriorating quickly. I’m scared. I need help that my counselor cannot provide and cannot find a basic physician to help manage.

You require me to be under care. I am sure, as an insurance company, you have local doctors everywhere. Can you not assign me some kind of local psychiatrist? Can you help speed the process to get me under doctor care?

I am scared. I suffer anxiety and my biggest anxiety now is that I will receive some kind of forms from you before I can find a doctor. And I am not being adequately treated which means my health is failing more.

You’re my insurance company. Isn’t it in your best interest to help me find care? Can you please help me find a physician in my area? Psychiatrist? Please.

Also, I respectfully request you acknowledge this letter with a written confirmation you received my new address and medical update. Thank you.

We’ll see.

I’m just prematurely terrified. I hope.

Pro? Life? Choice? Birth?

That having a baby thing?

I am all for pro-creation and I want to see more people my age and younger pro-creating than not. I especially want to encourage people who feel like their race is dying out to pro-create.

However? I chose not to do that. Why? I have health issues. They make it difficult for me to commit to anything long term, like kids. Also? I come with medical history that I am challenged by and could be passed on. If I can’t deal with it? How could I help a child?

I made a choice not to have children. While I was in surgery for other reasons I asked my doctor to give me a tubal ligation. Because I am pro-life and I would rather fix myself than abort a fetus. That is my choice.

My choices and beliefs are my own. I believe science says life is life the second it begins to duplicate itself. Cell level. I won’t take a human life.

However? I’ve gone into abortion surgeries with friends because that is their choice and they needed a friend at their side. I went without judgement and I supported them through recovery.

So am I pro-life because of what I believe or pro-choice because of what I support? I guess choice. Because even though it’s not my choice I would never try to stop another person for theirs.

UPDATE

Okay, so within minutes of posting my post about being harassed at the grocery store?

I received a message from the website people I sent it to. All kinds of apologies. Ken was chastised (and I was told he is apologetic) and my information was sent to head office.

Additionally? The person responding recognized me as being someone who has previously praised their store. In my message she saw my anxiety.

Carina. She assured me I was not wrong. She apologized for QF and sent Ken’s personal apology. She let me know the website was corrected because I brought it to there attention. She offered me the money back I had spent on BOTH pack of paper towel.

How she went ABOVE AND BEYOND? In her reply she told me she can see I don’t want any more confrontation so she will make arrangements for my refund to be in an envelope at customer service with my name. She also gave me the schedule of the person who intimidated me. So I can shop there and avoid him until I am comfortable again.

She recognized my health issues related to my complaint. She responded in kind care and understanding of the customers perspective.

I guess in the long run? Quality Foods has some extraordinary staff. One bad experience does not define them. Responding to it with such diplomacy is what makes my local grocery store the best!

How Do They Not Get It?

Oh my gods the anxiety today!!

I took the chance of trying to dispute something on a receipt. Innocent question and I was okay with a ‘no’. But then mental chaos for me.

How am I stronger for it? I wrote this letter to the store management:

I’m writing to tell you about an unfortunate experience I had at the Qualicum Beach Quality Foods store this morning.

On April 4 I purchased paper towels. I had secured the ‘Buy 1 Get 1 Free’ deal on my Rewards Card because I saw the picture of the paper towels I use. I picked them up according to the picture.  Econo paper towels.

When I reviewed my bill after I got home? I discovered the discount had not been applied. I looked on the website to make sure I had picked up the right item and discovered a discrepancy. The picture was Econo towels and the description was for Ultra towels.

Today, April 5, I came back to the store with my receipt and my laptop with a visual of the ad and I approached the cashier, Lisa.

As Lisa looked into it I pointed out the ad discrepancy and told her the fault might be mine. However I thought it was misleading. She seemed to think I was correct about being overcharged (based on the picture of the ad and my receipt) but could not work it out in the computer. I told her I just want to make sure any mistake on the website was corrected.

She could not work things out at the till so she asked for a supervisor to come over.

Ken.

I barely had my concern out of my mouth before he told me I purchased the wrong product. The one on the deal is single roll and I purchased double. I tried to tell him I was aware I that might be the problem (purchasing the wrong item) but tried to point out the ad issue. He ignored my concern about the ad and told me again the ad was for single roll, not double roll. He added, “There is a difference”. I pointed out the misleading picture that said nothing about size. He re-iterated for a third time the special was for single roll, not double.

At that point I mentally tried to disengage and thanked him, told him I understood his position. He tried again to explain and I cut him off and told him I understood and he could leave.

At no time did I raise my voice. I wasn’t asking for compensation. If I was wrong in purchase I only wanted the website corrected so it wasn’t so misleading. I only raised a concern. One that Lisa understood and tried to help with.

But Ken? He assumed what I wanted. Assuming I wanted compensation he offered to have me bring in the wrong paper towels for a refund. I explained I usually walk to town and got the deal because I had a ride. And also because I needed paper towel so some had already been opened. Return was not an option. That was one of the points he tried to remind me I bought the wrong ones. I asked him to leave the conversation because he could not stop explaining how I was wrong over and over after I already understood. I was being made to feel stupid.

After he finally walked away I thanked Lisa for her time and help. I went over to the isle where the paper products were and I looked at the paper towels.

Both sizes were mixed. It’s probably because of customers. They looked like they should be separate on the shelf but they weren’t. The product packaging is identical, except for fine print, and easily mixed up. I took out my laptop to compare the ad with the shelf.

It’s as I was examining this and realizing how easily I could have made the mistake? Ken came up behind me. He startled me by reminding me again that I purchased the wrong size. I told him I understood what he said and was looking at it for myself.

It’s when he started to tell me for a fifth time I’d purchased the wrong size that I asked him to stop treating me like I am stupid. He tried to assure me he wasn’t. I asked him how repeating the same thing I already said I understood wasn’t treating me like I was stupid and I asked him again to leave me alone so I go about my shopping.

I have anxiety. I was shaking after that encounter. I felt threatened. I felt harassed and belittled. I felt like ‘the ‘dumb’ woman must need this explained over and over’ even though I told him I understood. When he came up behind me? I was startled. I was only trying to confirm what he said but he took it as an opportunity to harass me further about an issue I had already conceded on. I had to go sit down in the little cafeteria before I could continue my shopping.

I wasn’t doing anything wrong so why was a manager following me around after I asked him to leave me alone?  All I did was try to bring up a concern. Point out a possible web issue and see if I was warranted some money back.

After all of that? I got home to write this concern to you and found that deal has been updated. It no longer says Ultra towels. It’s Econo, single size! I wasn’t wrong. The ad was wrong. And I was belittled, harassed and made to feel stupid by an employee who’d rather prove himself correct than investigate something.

I have written wonderful things about QF before. It’s the only place I can walk to shop. I love the points program. I’ve had other concerns that were addressed professionally and promptly.

However? Going forward I’m re-organizing how I shop to ensure I spend the least amount of money I can in your store. I will be taking my shopping elsewhere for any major purchasing. And wherever I have said good things about Quality Foods I will now be sure to share this story about how your employees harass customers to the point of anxiety even when the customer was at least partially correct!

 

So, yeah, that happened today. I felt crushed as it was happening but sat. I ate eggs in their cafeteria and got out unscathed. Really? The majority of the people there are amazing. But I really never want to see that man again.

New Dentist

I have new dentist!!

I’ve been in pain for a few days. I had a broken, rotten molar that was giving me headaches and becoming infected.

I don’t have dental coverage under any of my insurance things. Seems dentists around here aren’t quick to help unless you have insurance or cash up front. No one take payments anymore. Even if things are an emergency.

However, I remembered a dentist I’d heard of that helps people in need and I looked him up online. I called. They wanted to make the appointment right away but I asked about cost, etc. I told them my situation and all the money I had for this. The receptionist told me to come in regardless of my circumstances because the doctor was kind.

So I went.

He extracted my tooth without pain. AND he described everything he was doing and what I could expect to hear or feel as he did it. His assistant held my hand and he kept telling me how great I was doing (like I was giving birth to a tooth LOL).

My appointment today should have cost me around $600. They knew I was financially challenged for that kind of payment all at once. They asked what I had.

I had $120 to offer and said I was willing to make payments (something they don’t do). The dentist decided to do my procedure for the $120. Nothing else would be owed because this was an obvious emergency.

I asked them what it would have cost and they came up with a price that was discounted in many ways and the total came to $290. I made a proposition! If I pay the balance of the bill, instead of taking it as a gift, would they work with me to get help for my teeth on my budget.

And they said yes! They told me they don’t usually take payments but they could see my earnest desire to get my tooth health under control. They will continue to offer me the discounted rate they gave me today.

When I go back to pay the balance next week? He’s going to book me an appointment for a full exam, etc.

I suddenly have this amazing dentist and I am so grateful!

Fucking Waiting

I’ve been actively looking for housing. Where I live makes it a challenge (Affordable Housing) but today I did get to see a place I want.

It’s my dream place. A tiny one bedroom cottage nestled in the trees. It’s on an acreage so it is very private and quiet. Has a private driveway. It has a full kitchen and a regular size bathtub (two things on my list). There is sunny patio that has a garden storage area. The garden storage is separate from the other outside storage. It’s this cute cabinet with glass paned doors.

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It’s totally in my price range. It’s CLOSER to the pool and the property owner goes to the same aquafit class I attend. She’s 82 and swears like a trucker. “I won’t take any bullshit about rent. It gets paid on time.”

The property manager let me know I was first in line. She was super grateful I brought my proof of income with me (bank statement style proof). I don’t know a lot of people local but, apparently, she knows people I know (she knows them better) who are people I gave as a reference. That was a nice thing to learn over an application, right?

It’s the ideal setting, price and landlord situation. I want this so badly. My heart will break if it doesn’t happen.

Even though it has only been a few hours? The waiting is already killing me. (ie. re-reading my rental resume, every communication I’ve had with her and everything I’ve posted that she has seen or commented on)

Fucking waiting is so hard for someone with anxiety and OCD.

Struggling

What does struggling look like for me?

I’m fucking couchbound. Not totally, but mostly.

It’s so hard to explain so I am going to use a random example. Metaphoric, sorta.

I wake up each day and make my coffee. I check my Facebook. I sometimes check email but email could mean a message from mom so I also sort of avoid it. However, whatever else, I make that coffee for me. It’s MY beginning.

What about when routine is interrupted? What if someone is in your space during your routine? Even though they are completely capable of making coffee, and often offer, you feel compelled to take care of your morning routine, regardless of who is present.

Because of my variety of mental health issues? All you need to do is put another human in my vicinity and MY routine now involves them.

“Do they need coffee? Am I being too loud if I wake before them? Should I just wait for them before I make coffee? Now that they are awake should I be making more because they offered to?”

How much stress is that before the first cup of the day? All brought on by a dilapidated brain.

That is just one random example. Coffee stress is not my day. But it’s a real life example of how I think. It’s how my brain configures how other people fit into my world.

Do they need my care? Can I give it? Will they still love me when I can’t? Do I need their care? Will it be given?

The emotions behind those questions affect every interaction I have.

Will my grocery clerk understand when I tell her I need to pack my own bags? (OCD) Will my friends understand why I ignore them online? (depression) Will I be able to go to the pool tomorrow or will I get there and too many people in the change room means I leave? (anxiety)

Today I skipped my counselling appointment because I couldn’t bring myself to shower or take off my PJs. I’m going to try to sleep and try again tomorrow. That means going to the pool. I want to. I really do.

But we’ll see what morning brings.

Struggling..

Overcoming?

I read a lot online about my health issues, Everything from depression to digestive disorders? I read a lot of blogs from people who are overcoming.

They talk about how the illness affected them, their family and their lifestyle. They are creative in their approach about their personal issues. They not only survive but they take their time to share all of the difficulty. They overcome.

But not all of us overcome.

I read that ‘inspiration’ and struggle so hard to find it. But I don’t.

Some people read the stories and they identify with those who’ve overcome. They become inspired. Others don’t.

Some of us read those ‘overcoming’ stories and it makes us feel like even more of a failure. Some of us never feel like they could inspire anyone to change because they can’t change themselves.

Mine is not a story of overcoming. I struggle. Daily. I’m struggling now. I feel like there will never be a day I overcome.

That’s okay.

Because there are so many more people that struggle instead of overcome. So let’s share that.

I struggle every day with depression and other things. I want to talk about it because I don’t see a day I will be one of those ‘overcomers’. I want to share my journey with strugglers.

Today, I am struggling.