Manic Feels Amazing

Aahhhh. The manic set in today. And it feels so good.

Along with my physical disabilities? I battle manic depression, severe social anxiety and OCD.

The OCD isn’t obsessive cleaning or counting or anything over the top. It’s the least of my issues. It’s more about keeping everything in my environment controlled in such a way I can avoid the anxiety and/or depression. OCD doesn’t affect me at all, really.  But it affects anyone trying to live with me. My needing things to be a certain way for bizarre or unexplained reasons. Still, it’s minor.

The anxiety? Well, that’s tough. I set out to do things and retreat at the first sign of confrontation. When there is something I really need and things don’t go the way I hope? I become so overwhelmed I cry. If I face confrontation? I cry. Sometimes I cry from being misunderstood. Crying is MOSTLY how my anxiety comes out. I have also crumbled on the floor of the grocery store, unable to go on because it is too much. My anxiety is my second worse issue.

The manic depression though.

The depression inundates me. I submerge myself in it. Days. Weeks. Months? That has happened often enough. Depression overpowers me. I can talk all I want about making change but it doesn’t happen. I dream about taking care of my home properly. I dream about taking care of myself properly. I ache to get off my couch and be active.

Sooner or later? The manic happens. I wake up one day that starts good and only gets better. Next thing I know? I am in overdrive.

Today was so manic! It was a payday (those are often good days) so I paid all my bills with a bit extra on each. I went grocery shopping and FILLED my freezer. I bought a new heater to help with the chill in my RV. I ran several other miscellaneous errands.

I came home and completely cleaned my living room area. Vacuuming, tidying, etc. I did four loads of laundry, including all the couch cushions and blankets. I cleaned the bedroom area.

Now? I’m in the process of some self love. Dyeing my hair before I have a nice hot shower and make an epic meal. The menu? Steak, stuffed baked potatoes and salad.

I am feeling so much relief about feeling motivated. It feels so GREAT to accomplish so much in one day. I feel compelled to get other things done and I have a plan for doing them tomorrow.

Is manic supposed to feel good? Like accomplishment? I recognize I am manic. I’m tired. My racing thoughts haven’t changed. I just have this spontaneous motivation. I feel if I don’t do EVERYTHING in the next two days while I have my manic energy? They will fall by the wayside again.

And if I fail in accomplishing the other goals? I will get tired and chastise myself for not doing enough. I’ll feel anxiety about it being ‘fake happiness’ that never really amounts to getting things done long term. Then I’ll spiral down into freak out mode. I’ll lose control for a couple days and then I’ll be fine for a while but depressed because it happened again.

This is the first time I have been so clear on the pattern.

How do I break the pattern? How do I focus on those positive steps made in the manic moments? How do I carry the accomplished feeling forward? How do I let the manic accomplishments spur motivation and not anxiety?

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Rumination

I’m not sure what exactly I’m feeling or how to express it. But I’m gonna try.

I asked a question on social media.

 If people want to tear down statues or ban flags because they represent the harm brought on people in the past… when do we start tearing down the churches?

I was surprised at the comment I received. It was from someone who also feels the church has caused harm. Instead of seeing the comparison she chose to use this as an opportunity to call me out as being racist. She educated me about the history of white supremacy. She accused me of posting this in defense of confederate flags, etc.

Truthfully? She has known me a long time. She knew me when I was dating a Nazi. She has seen past things I have posted that may lead someone to believe I am of certain political persuasions. Or a racist.

But I really thought she knew me better. When I explained ‘my point was to get people to see church harm from a different perspective. A comparison. And if we are tearing down representations of years of abuse, we should be including churches’? She conceded on my point.

Here is what really got my goat though. She agreed with me and then proceeded to tell me?

“also, the debate over flags and statues hit its peak six months ago, a more timely/apt comparison may have been, “if they’re going after weinstein and spacey, how about the priests?..” just saying that would have been less confusing. but again, good discussion.”

Are you kidding me? Who is anyone to tell my HOW I should express my own thoughts or opinion? I was so angry. It took me over an hour to come up with this.

Sure, tip top discussion.

Except, I’m having some difficulty being grateful for your constructive criticism on how I should express my own opinion.

If I compared Weinstein and priests? It could be misconstrued to be about people. Or Hollywood and religious privilege combined. Or sex scandals.

My point wasn’t about any of those.

Your idea that I make my opinion relevant would have negated my point.

My point was about recognized representation of institutions that have always abused. I said ‘flag and statues’. YOU added the word confederate. There are other flags and statues that represent abuse. The jesus statue with open arms in a cemetery? Reminding you if you don’t accept him you’ll burn. How about the Christian flag I was forced to swear oath to as a child? Would it make you feel better if I’d clarified all the flags and statues?

I left it vague for a reason! It’s your own pre-disposed ideas about me that made you assume I meant something racist.

So, yes, my reference may feel ‘like, so six months ago’ but it made MY point. And it wasn’t intended to relate to pop media.

I feel like I completely defended myself. And? Without the details? We ended our discussion by agreeing that even though we have our own strong beliefs we still love each other like sisters. The friendship is there 🙂

So why am I dwelling on it right now? Why has it been ruminating through my head? Why have I read the whole diatribe to my BF twice just so I can hear it out loud?

THAT is the feeling I don’t get. That is where I am confused. I’m no longer angry. We don’t agree but I made my point and we still love each other.

So what the fuck is wrong with me that my brain won’t let me move on with some other thought pattern? Can’t I find a way to get through things and let go?

I hate this mental bullshit!

Struggling

It’s been a long few weeks. My health has been up and down with more than usual anxiety attacks. I’ve spent a lot of time in depression. My RV is coming up with new issues all the time. And, it seems all the same old problems are rearing their heads in my relationship.

I haven’t been writing. Haven’t been on cam or taken any interest in any of my usual interests. I haven’t been eating properly. I’ve been on the couch. At first it was just lack of motivation but in the past week it’s turned to intense sadness that makes me feel hopeless.

And I feel useless. I feel like no matter how much I strive to change I fail constantly. I make my BF miserable (he told me, I’m not just ‘feeling’ that).

I feel scared. Because I know I will never be able to be what he wants. Certain habits are just not going to change (like, I interrupt too much when he is talking) and he doesn’t love me as I am with those habits. I made positive changes in a lot of areas but there are some things that are affected by my health that will never change.  I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me as I am. I’m scared when he chooses to leave how it will go down. And I am scared of being alone again.

I feel defeated. Mind and body. I tried to meditate this morning but I couldn’t shut off my mind from racing thoughts. It overwhelmed with frustration so bad I started bawling my eyes out. Every day my body aches. I have an upcoming surgical procedure on the list of pokes and prods that is my life. My body and mind are failing fast.

And I feel lost. I really have no idea what to do.

What IF?

I have so many what if’s. What if I never got fat? What if I decided to go to real college? What if I never chose drugs? What if I could have been real when it mattered?

Over the many years I’ve been ‘studied’ I have been diagnosed with depression, manic/depressive disorder, OCD and I’ve been scoped out for schizophrenia regularly…  Doctors test my blood because they think I have worse diseases.

I don’t.  With every problem I have? Nothing is but my own.

I don’t take big pharma meds for any of it. WHY? Because my digestive health issues make me unable. Those meds would kill other parts that are only barely functional.

I know this. So I try, when I am not couchbound, to get my exercise. I take vitamins and eat healthy. I try to find ways to laugh and smile every day. I try.

Today, while feeling couchbound, I watched a new series on Netflix. Atypical. GREAT show.  But is has me questioning.

I have struggled my entire life with my mental health issues. They were treated with meds to no end. I had surgery that made it I can’t take the meds. Now I just try to survive.

But what if the reason meds don’t help are because I have slight autism? NOT OCD. NOT manic/depressive. What if I am just old enough to miss the mark on being diagnosed and all those big pharma meds made me worse before I stopped taking them for other reasons?

I have other issues related to vaccines.  After I was born? I was taken to a reserve north of Churchill, MB. I got shot with ‘reserve’ vaccines with a dirty needle. Scars to prove it.

What if… just if? What if the fact I am so fucked in the head isn’t just my being born a mental defect? Maybe some is from the Agent Orange my father got in the Vietnam war? Maybe some of it is vaccines?

My mom went through German measles with me and was told I would be born without limbs. She was told to abort me. And to be truthful? I don’t think she ever wanted children. I’m glad she allowed me to survive.

I have never been wanted by this world.

Just what if? Because, I have survived all that. Started out not getting aborted. Survived bad vaxxing with battle scars. Made it through so much abuse. I LIVE with my ‘dis’abilities and make it every fucking day!

I’ve been accused of being so many things. Terrorist, Crazy. Slut.

But what IF I am just a survivor?

Shopping

I’ve been doing more and more shopping online these days. I don’t like malls. I don’t like crowds. I don’t like shopping.

Unless it is for groceries. There is something about feeding people and being able to sustain my home with food that I find settling.  Psychiatrists may attribute that to my past issues with food. I choose to believe it is because I care that no person goes hungry on my watch.

So why did I go shopping yesterday? Not just shopping, I got on a bus and went to the city to a mall during ‘back to fucking school’ season. What was I thinking?

Once in a while? I want the experience. It’s like going to the theatre instead of watching Netflix. It’s the smell of the food court, the overhearing banter of store clerks who aren’t aware you are listening, trying on things you could never afford but feel so amazing on your skin and going home smelling like your favourite high end department store perfume because you walked past the counter and squirted it on yourself.

I love the experience. However anxiety can be cruel.

I maintained focus and an ability to be pleasant to everyone I encountered while I was getting what I went for. I was in my own head space and having fun. Smiling. Dare I say? Happy.

But, as soon as I was done getting what I wanted? I realized it was hours before the bus was coming and I began to panic. The mall filled with more people. Noise. Bumping n touching me. Kids screaming, parents yelling their chastisements. So much mental clutter.

I sat on a bench to get away from the bumping n touching. I plugged my ears for a moment to regain a sense of composure. And as I was breathing deeply I got a text.

He was done work and if I wanted he could pick me up at the mall.

Like a knight in not so shining, navy Volvo he was there in twenty minutes to get me. He listened patiently while I babbled about being anxious and grateful he came. He listened even more patiently as I detailed my excursions into various stores and what I saw, tried on, bought, left behind….  blah, blah fucking blah.

It was about six months since I was last at a mall. I lasted two and a half hours, got what I wanted but totally skipped Walmart (for things I could have shopped for but didn’t have the patience). I was almost in full blown panic when I got rescued.

I really think I’m gonna stick to shopping online.

But does that mean I am avoiding? Am I running from my issues instead of facing them?

I feel like I tried to do the outside thing and failed. Mentally anyway. I actually did go and get things I couldn’t get online and knew where I could get them. That isn’t a fail.

But I failed in the end. Not even able to wait for a bus. Sitting cross-legged on a mall bench with my ears covered and eyes closed? Doesn’t feel like a win to me.

 

 

Couchbound

Depression rears its ugly head so often in my life these days. I’ve managed to keep it mostly at bay with having bouts that goes for days instead of months.

But it’s been over a week now.

I have done as many things as I can to motivate myself and yet today I find myself watching war movies back to back. It’s my third day in a row on the couch. Yesterday I watched LGBTQ documentaries all day. The day before that was Season 12 of Grey’ Anatomy.

How have I tried to motivate myself?

By doing healthy things. I cleaned my bathroom. I planted some late harvest garden plants (I love bumper crops). I’ve tried to manage some self care like eating right, exercise and showering. Keep in mind these things have been spaced out over a couple of weeks and seem so insignificant to me that they are almost more depressing.

And it’s not entirely true. I went three days without a shower at one point because I was too lethargic to bother.

I’m on Day 4 without alcohol. Not because I quit but because double rent months mean my money is allocated towards living expenses and not wine.

So am I depressed because I don’t have wine? Or is depression one of the side effects of coming off the amount I drink? Perhaps it’s just my usual mental health issues acting up because I’ve been feeling stressed about other things?

I often struggle to figure out what brings this on. I’m not ‘sad’. Not lonely. Just lethargic and unmotivated. Hopeless. Feeling defeated and tired. Exhausted really.

Regardless of the reason? I’ve been couchbound for a few days and I am really struggling to get out of it. It’s why I haven’t ben writing. Or going on webcam. Or changing my PJs.

Ugh.

Alcoholic Shaunda

I blogged over a year ago about being an alcoholic.  (I’m An Alcoholic)

Over the year I have tried at time to cut back some of the time. My budget kinda helps with that. Bills first, booze later. Other times I have gone so far the other way. It’s hard.

Lately? I am contemplating WHY I am still drinking.

There are days I wake up fine but there is wine there. The moment any conflict hits me? The wine is down my throat. Alcohol is my nemesis. I love it. It hates me. I hate it, too. It’s a love/hate thing.

I was angry one day when I was still with my ex (so a few weeks ago) and I walked to the local liquor store (about 20 mins). On the way back? I decided to drink my wine by the ocean. Why drink IN the animosity when you can look at ocean?

I met Mike.

Mike is also an alcoholic. He shared my wine with me while telling me about every possible AA meeting in the area. Gave me his number and said we could go together if I want and even though it’s a bit of a walk there he could find me a ride home.

AA? Nope. I don’t have a higher power. But, I have heard of a thing called Smart Recovery. It’s like AA but no ‘higher power’ shit.

FYI I am drinking wine as I write this. BUT…   Smart Recovery is on my mind. I have a friend who can drive me if I want to try it.

I have cut back A LOT recently (even though it has been readily available). I want to feel better.

Alcoholic Shaunda wants a break from it!

Bi Polar Swings

I should have been able to tell I was amping up. Yesterday, I think, was the top of a manic phase. I felt so great. Lots of writing and I spent time focused on my spirituality. I felt so strong. I felt on top of the world.

Nothing happened between last night’s blog and this morning. I slept. I don’t even think I had a bad dream.

And when I woke up this morning it’s like all the happy disappeared. I’m a crumbling, jumbled up mass of emotion who is curled up on her couch. I feel like anything I thought was going good are just silly things to find happiness in. I feel ugly. I feel lonely. I feel weak. It’s just one of those days where I really do wish life would just figure out how to take me already.

I feel physically sick. Food won’t happen because I am so upset. Upset without cause so getting more upset about just being upset. I’m about to go full blown anxiety for no reason and I can’t stop it from happening.

Bi-polar swings make me scared about life. How can I be so okay one day and so not okay the next without anything to trigger it? And no way to understand it? I fucking hate this.

The Days You Want To Die

If you are dealing with depression or anxiety you get it. We all have them.

They are the days you wake up and think nothing is worth it anymore. Try or not? No one gets you. They think they understand…

“I get sad, too.” “We’ve all lost things in our life.” “If you just think more positive…” “I don’t like shopping on busy days either”

That one got to me.

You don’t like shopping on busy days so you think you understand me?

Until you have collapsed in the middle of the cracker isle, unable to move because you can’t afford your meds to deal with this kind of situation, you have no idea what I go through!

Anxiety is a bitch!

People who don’t have mental health issues seldom understand. You know. The ones who love us but don’t have our mental health issues.

They try so hard. But sometimes? In not understanding they do more harm than good. And when you feel so misunderstood you just feel like, “why go on?”

I going to end this by saying… I am not feeling suicidal. Please don’t panic.

But if anyone who reads my blog ever feels that way? Just know that someone out there understands. No one is ever alone. We all have days that death may seem like our best option.

You don’t need to feel that way. I struggle sometimes to find reasons to go on. I find them and you can, too.

If you ever need to know that someone in the world gives a shit about you? Send me a message with your address and I will send you a handwritten note so you know someone heard you and thinks of you and wishes you well.

Please, stay alive on the days you want to die. You’ve got this!

I Need Air

In my spiritual journey I have explored so many assets of myself.

EARTH. I plant. I learn about the foliage around me for what is wild edibles and medibles.

FIRE. I have used fire in my cleansing and I have fires regularly while I meditate on how fire cleanses.

WATER: I’ve had spiritual experiences at the ocean. With fire. And not. More recently? I fell into the ocean on Beltane and  bricked my phone because it was in my pocket. LOL

But AIR? I haven’t done air yet.

Today, I was exposed to some sky-diving videos.

My very best friend in the entire universe from many years back gave up alcohol to pursue better things. He wanted family, better jobs and… air. He wanted to skydive.

So…  if my long time bestie can give up alcohol to pursue other things? I can give up my wine. At least long enough to pursue AIR.

If I was Wiccan and wanted to call the four corners? Air is a key.

I am pagan. I don’t ‘call’ anything. However I feel I want/need to bring all the components of the universe to me.

I have felt the earth. My gardens grow in the most inexplicable places. I have felt the fire. I spent months cooking over one to feed the family around me. I have used it to cleanse my soul. I have felt the water. I wash my feet in the ocean while I contemplate how I can keep creating life.

Air? I have not felt.

It’s the last of the quadrant. I think I have a way to get it. It’s a terrifying, kind of expensive on my budget, idea. Thus, the giving up of wine to pursue it.

I’m going to give up wine for a month and put that money toward sky-diving. There is a place that is local who does the skydiving thing. I watched a video of someone diving from that local place.

I won’t lie. The thought mortifies me. Giving up wine? LOL I’m more scared of that than the idea of jumping out a plane and that makes me want to crawl in a hole.

But I need AIR. And watching those falls? After the terrifying push out of the plane where I shit my pants on the instructor riding tandem? I think I could love a free fall through AIR. Pull that rip cord and let me float and meditate about it. I may even prepare something to say through my mind as I float.

AIR.

It’s worth a break on wine. We’ll see how long that actually takes.