Letters From Home

I received a personal letter recently. I write more letters than I receive. I was surprised. And it was from my dad (the adopted one, not the dead one) who never writes letters. I was super anxious when I opened it.

I thought it would be some kind of reprimand. What did he read in my blog? I mean, I don’t think he reads blogs. Pretty sure he barely gets email. But I was curious what he had to say that was so important a pen went to paper and a stamp went to envelope.

It was deeply personal. I won’t share his personal stuff but he explained a lot of things about himself that he felt led him to make mistakes in his life. In particular? He apologized for how those issues led to ‘damaging my generous and beautiful spirit’. And he said he would be grateful if I could forgive him.

It was super emotional. And my reply to him doesn’t expose anything he told me, really, so I will share it with you before I mail it.

Dear Daddy,

I got your letter a few days ago and have been taking some time to reflect before I respond.

Thank you so much for the gift. I was timely for sure. My rent doubles in July/August so September is recovery mode. I had all my bills paid but things were stretched so your gift really helped.

Thank you for sharing about your life and the things that shaped the person you were and who you’ve become.

Thank you for your apology. Know that you have my forgiveness for however you feel you wronged me.

I knew we didn’t have a lot of money when I was a child. But I never saw THAT as holding back anything. I never felt like my needs weren’t met. I saw my dad as hard-working, who did whatever he needed to for his family to get by.

If hindsight is 20/20 and you see now things could have been different? All I have in my heart is happiness for you that your years of hard work are being rewarded.

Being poor taught me to work hard at as many jobs necessary to make ends meet. It taught me to make meals instead of buying pre-fab food. It taught me used clothing is great. Now I find vintage amazing clothes at second hand stores.

If I didn’t grow up how I did monetarily? I would not be able to survive how I live now. And I make ends meet with a few treats. So I don’t just survive, dad, I’m content.

….

There is more to the letter.

Six pages later? I told my daddy so many things.

I told him where I think things went wrong for me.

I needed psychiatric medical help. The psychiatrist I went to? Turned out my parents ‘could tell’ he was a homosexual so they wouldn’t let me go back. I was told to talk to my pastor when I needed serious medical attention mentally.

My pastor was an excellent mathematician. He was an actuary before he quit that to pastor a church. Very intelligent. But a horrible psychiatrist. Instead of being able to talk to him about my sexual issues? I was hauled into his office, as the principal of my school, and told I was lazy.

The daydreaming? Constantly holding up class with my questions? Being stubborn about doing homework I thought was irrelevant? They were all my way of avoiding real schoolwork. I was lazy. Official diagnosis.

How different would I be now if I had gotten help then?

I wrote about my socialization. How I was damaged by being forced to attend such a small school (I did ask my parents if I could go to a different one, public). And then I was thrust into complicated social situations, with no clue how to deal with them. It was awkward and terrifying to me. I already struggled with mental health issues yet to be addressed.

I told him that at least college taught me to ask questions again. In asking them? I learned about the faith I was brought up in. In my required Bible classes? I learned so much history that I started going to the library to compare Biblical history VS the history books I never got to read in my private Christian school.

Christianity stopped making sense for me.

I started taking only the Bible classes required. All my electives became psychology, sociology and journalism so I could learn to communicate better. My field study was drama so I could explore being creative.

I told my dad I am myself pagan now.

The long and the sort of it is I don’t feel like you did me any wrong except for what happened at the hands of “Christianity”. YOU loved me and acted with your best intentions for the well-being of your family.

I love you, dad. I forgive you for whatever you think you did to damage me…..

You mentioned sadness. That comes with age. If you find the time? I really want to know what makes you sad. What are your regrets? All of them. I don’t need details. But I am someone who suffers with depression. Knowing others sadness helps. I could learn from it, maybe?

So I’m gonna close now. I feel like I could write pages more and maybe sometime soon I will. Thank you for your letter, Papa. I love you so much.

Your Chosen Daughter,

Shaunda

 

 

 

Advertisements

Humpty Dumpty

‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a big fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.’

Someone I respect recently told me:

Just because his broken pieces seem to fit your broken pieces doesn’t mean you will put humpty dumpty back together again.

Obviously, a broken egg cannot be put back together. Sometimes a relationship reaches a point where it cannot be put back together. I think that is my friends point. A broken egg can’t be fixed.

But I like to think outside the box.

A broken egg? Can still be useful. Fry one up and put it in a sandwich and you know it is true 🙂

Two broken eggs? They can still come together to make something awesome. An omelette, perhaps.

I put sincere thought into my friends opinion (I asked for it). I understand his comparison to Humpty Dumpty. It’s why I have been trying to take everything in my relationship with stride.

But if I were to take that comparison to another level?

When you put two broken people together who are each working individually to be better people? Sometimes there is a lot of other emotional stuff added. It gets confusing.

But, aren’t emotions what give life ‘flavour’?

We’re taking our Humpty Dumpty brokenness and turning into an omelette with every flavour of every emotion. Yes, we are both scared. But we are moving forward both separate and together (a first for us).

You can’t put broken back together. You can take only take what is broken and make it into something spectacular and new.

 

 

My Shitty RV

I love that I have a home. It was gifted to me and I own it.

But sometimes RV living isn’t the easiest. Sometimes waste and paper back up in your ‘black tank’ and you end up with an endeavour you haven’t encountered before.

SO what are the options? Well, my BF has been super on top of the issue. We’re putting as much water in the tank and draining it as much as possible. We purchased a liquid thing to break-up the solid stuff but it wasn’t as effective as we hoped. We had some movement though.

Next? We tried a toilet auger. If you don’t know how those work (I didn’t)? It’s like a wiry poky thing that you put in the toilet. It has this snake like part that comes out as you hand crank it. The snaky part goes into the tank and stirs up the shit stuff. Then you try to pump it out again.

It didn’t work. At least the first attempt. It worked a bit. Enough we can take poops. But it’s still not pumping out properly.

We went to a different RV place and the owner there swore by the product we’re going to try. He knows all the details, including that my RV is parked so there is no option to jostle the shit to loosen it by simply driving around.

I never told him I could try to jostle it with amazing sex… but I might try that! LOL

At this moment though? RV life is a bit shitty. Backed up septic. AND it gets cold at night, things are moist (I hate that word). I long for a wood stove to be truthful.

Thinking it’s time to put serious effort into new accommodations.

 

Can We Change?

When my relationship ended I was ready to say never again. I can’t tolerate violence against me, in word or action.

However. There are two things that prevented me from saying never.

First? I’ve always taken the widely opposed stance it does not matter if you are male or female, if you act aggressively enough toward someone that their only recourse is to stop you physically? You can and should be stopped.

I know my own actions the day my relationship broke apart. I stand by not deserving to be hit. However, I WAS out of control, in his face and unable to be stopped. I pushed first. His choice of how to subdue me was not the best. And it ended us.

But, secondly? I’ve always believed people change. I don’t believe people are defined by their worst moments. I certainly hope I’m not.

I was alone a while back. I felt desperately alone. The kind that makes me dangerous to myself. I sat there realizing the only people in my contact list are bad dates and people who wouldn’t really care about what I was going through or why.

So I messaged him.

He came. He got me through that moment. Because regardless of what happened? Regardless that I told him never to contact me again (which he was respecting)? He knew I was in crisis so he came to make sure I would be alright.

That was weeks ago now. He’s been around to make sure I am okay. I’ve learned some things.

First? He’s better without me.

I never realized how much our co-dependence was holding him back. He has a great job that he loves with a boss he really appreciates and is appreciated by. He has opportunity to advance. He bought a car. A beater, but it gets him distances his motorized bike won’t. He’s been working on his health and he’s looking so healthy (code: sexy). He has savings and credit. He’s doing just fine without me.

Second? Forgiveness lies within him.

He reads my blog. He’s stumbled across some emails. I’ve been truthful about my escapades while we have been apart. While I thought he would judge me for that? He stuck around to help me and take care of me because he knows the truth and he’s dealing with it. Without making me feel badly about it.

So here’s the kicker. I DO feel badly. When we started spending time together? I had just shut down my POF but I was still seeing some of the guys I met. He knew. He had his own profile and dates set up. We were both cool about it.

As we spent more time together? We decided to make an effort to work on US. That meant we would only be having sex with each other.

I told him I would still be talking to other people but that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. And that I would tell him about my chatting.

I took that too far. I was emailing back n forth with someone like I was going to meet them.  I didn’t tell him about them. The emails were seen. Arguments were had.

Seems as though I am the one who can’t change. I always take things too far and fuck up a good thing that would be happening.  All he asked is that I tell him about guys I am chatting with and I didn’t. A fool. That’s me.

Some people can change though. He went for a drive. We texted back n forth. And it ended with him asking if he could come back instead of telling me he is leaving. There was no name calling or shaming.

There was disappointment and he was sad. He knew I didn’t cross that line of meeting, it was just emails. Even still? It hurt him.

He wanted to be here anyway.

THAT is change.

Without him trying to make me feel bad? I still felt awful. He was so hurt that I was dishonest. He came back and told me I was important enough to try and work on this. I feel like such an idiot. He’s been so good to me since we’ve been spending time together. He is taking care of me in every way. He asks nothing in return.

So, can I change? His complete turnabout makes me want to. Any desire to chat up other men drained when he came back here and told me things would be okay. No chastising. He just loved me and tried to make me feel better all weekend.

Why do I want to be a better woman to him? We have ten years of history that have epic tales of adventure and mishap. We’ve been through hellfire and back together. We have a friendship that goes so far beyond our ‘relationship’. We don’t want to let go of that.

But trust needs to be earned now. He can’t trust me. I understand why. I’m okay with having to prove that to him. I will. It only requires me being honest with him about things I have always held back. And the more I am honest? The more he seems so caring and endeared to me.

He is trying to understand me and why I have held back from him before. He is cautious but caring. I think after some time apart where we each grew in our own selves and made changes for our own positive well being? We are in a place where we can grow together. We can change together in a more positive, understanding way.

Some say people can’t/don’t change. I think the best part of life is our ability to change.

 

 

 

End Result?

We got our groove on. I did call him the N word. He wanted it. Even though he doesn’t look ‘black’ (sorry if that sounds racist). I am just trying to describe a look. He has longer, thick, wavy hair and dark, piercing eyes.  He looks Indian, Bollywood style but also Native American. Such an exotic look.

And even though I gave into calling him what he wanted and saying terrible things to him? He also called me equally dirty words and spanked me a bit. I feel like we were equal LOL

That was a first. He was fun. Funny. I read him my original blog about him and he found it humorous, I think. After we were done and were reading comments? He found it even more funny.

He says he wants to see me again.

Things we connect on? Pics and videos. He took good pics and great video.  He has no issue with another man in the room so bukkake is fine. He is STD free and carries condoms (always a plus). And?

He was cute. Like really cute. Taller than me. Tanned skin with shaggy dark hair. Piercing eyes. Tattoos. Fit. He made it super easy to want to get that. Twice.

And that is the result of my first ever cross culture experience!

 

Call Me Your Nigger?

Yep. Just dropped the N bomb.

Why? Because I have never taken a black dick before and I have a mixed race guy who wants to come over and have me as his personal dessert.

I let him know I have never gone black. No disrespect about that. But when I tried to date a guy in high school I was just taught, in my family, that mixed race anything was not something I should invite in my life. I looked at the black hand holding mine and let go.

And tonight? I am going to take my first ever semi-black cock. I told him I don’t do that and this is really a first for me.

His response? He told me he wants me to call him my nigger.

Yep. Call him the N word and tell him how he needs to please his mistress’ white/pink pussy. He doesn’t want to enter me. Just finger and tongue. Plus provide me with weed n wine. And he wants to be my ‘good’ nigger.

I’m gonna roll with this and see where it goes. But just trying to get used to the word nigger rolling off my tongue in a sensitive way? AWKWARD!

 

RIP POF

I decided to take down my dating profile.

It was fun while it’s been there. I have met some really nice people to talk to who don’t seem to have any real ambition to meet. Some people I’ve met and it’s been, well, fun blog fodder. Some are just total creepers asking bizarre questions of someone for a first message. Like, “If we go for a walk on the beach when we meet can I smell your feet after?” (Personally? “Hello” works better with me)

However in all of the hullabaloo that has been my current dating life I have met some pretty cool people. One wasn’t from my dating profile, just a local who is currently out of town but wants to meet when he gets back from his training thing.

The guys I’ve met online that I think are the best? Are the guys that pester me to meet them even if I’ve put them off (anxiety means I cancel). We meet, don’t have sex or even really fool around but they let me know they read my blog, get who I am or where I’m at. They just want to keep knowing me. They hope it means they will get into my panties.

It’s the select few I’ve laughed with that I want to keep around. A few guys stopped a few minutes to say hi as they were passing through my hood. Last minute they asked if they could pop in to put a face to the online conversations. Some others spent hours here. Visiting not only me but other people in my life and there was no pressure to ‘get me alone’.

Altogether, I’ve met a few. Might even call it a roster! But they are aware of the situation and still made the effort to make a friendship first. They all want to be with me and I am sexually attracted to all of them. Connection happened when they put friendship before box.

I think I have found a sufficient number of friends with benefits! I’m looking forward to having these really cool guys around in my life to spend time and have amazing fuck sessions with. I’m sure they will all let me tell stories and most have offered to be cameramen for me. But it will be more than that, too! Exactly what I needed.

Time to ditch the crazy of the online first dates for the comfort of being with familiar. That was a quick process. I’m glad!

Bollywood

Bollywood. YES! I do that. The colour. The dance. The exotic way they entice each other. The country of Tantric love. The music. I love the music. The subtitles?
“You are my  love, For eternity. We are united. You are my partner. I am a girl with my beloved. My lamp is lit by your flame. You are my united.”
It sounds so much more pretty in their language. And this is just the opening track. Still? Full of colour and dance while they sing it.
I have had a huge fascination with Indian culture and cuisine since some missionaries from India came to my church when I was a child. I wanted to be there and see it so much? It sorta shaped my life. Back when I was involved in that religious experience as a child? I thought it meant I was mean to go there as a missionary. I’ve let go of that.
Today? I watched a TV show that made me want to Netflix search for Bollywood movies and belly dance around my living room with colourful skirts on LOL
The Show? FULLER HOUSE. LMAO
The have an episode where grown up Stephanie Tanner belly dances with a bindy on her head and all I can think is? YUM!
Fucking Bollywood women? Those curvy belly dancing gals? I fucking need to meet more of those!
One other thing though? Even when a doctor is called in the movie? He always tries a natural medicine first. When I am watching movies made in other countries? Particularly India? So much reference to homeopathic medicine. Just a rabbit trail thought for another time.
India seems to have a theme of LOVE and marriage in their films, as well. So there was a wedding welcome song I just watched. It is a song to bring a new bride into your family. It started with the words,
“Listen to what we have to say dear bride. Meet your new family.  (A woman stands up to dance and says) We’ll introduce you to everyone, tell you their secrets, too.” That gets repeated so much until she knows she is welcome. Then the dance to introduce her to the head of the family begins. And it all goes from there. In epic colour and beautiful dance.
But I am really more about the dancing and colour…. so..
Is the movie I am watching. Lots of dialogue I need to read. But a lot of colour, music and girl power to it, so far.
May switch over to something more musical so I can dance more but right now I am dancing at their wedding LOL

Family Reunions

There is something going on in the park today. Where I live? My space has a hotel on one side, a courtyard on the other and one trailer that backs in on the one side that faces my yard. It’s VERY quiet because I don’t really have neighbours.

But today I can hear a bunch of people in the courtyard hugging, kissing, crying and congratulating.

I went up to check my mail and on the way back I noticed the hotel room adjacent to my trailer had the door open and a lady was standing outside. I told her mine was the RV next door and asked how she was. She excitedly told me all about their family reunion. It’s her mom’s 98th birthday. It is her and her husbands 50th anniversary. And everyone came to celebrate all weekend.

As she told me about all the celebrations my eyes welled up a bit with some tears. She was SO excited and happy. And then? I hugged her. She hugged me back so hard. Like she really needed it or something. Made me glad I did it even though touching others is against my nature LOL

So now I am invited to a family reunion for a 98th b-day and 50th anniversary.

This is what happens when I send out my energy to the universe asking to meet people LMAO

Double Rent

I have money on my mind. One of my ex’s ‘things’ that upset him was how I could go through so much money in one week. In five years? He worked a total of three months and collected assistance for four. Every cent of it went toward our home (he calls that stealing from him).

So here it is. I get paid monthly. I make less than $1800 a month.

When I get paid my first priority is to pay my bills. I pay rent, internet and phone off the hop. Internet and phone get a little extra as a buffer every month to make sure I am always ahead of the ‘bills’ Then, because I only get paid monthly? I do a huge grocery shop and get all the supplies needed for a month. Food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, cat supplies. I get my meds and/or any pain reliever and allergies type stuff (not cheap).  I don’t drive and my friend isn’t rich so when I get rides I either put in gas money or ‘owe’ him gas money. There’s that debt to pay each month as well because I appreciate being able to get to grocery shopping and doctor appointments.

It used to be I would get about $200 worth of weed and my ex’s smokes as well.

So where did all the money go? I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I was always very proud that we had a roof over our heads and bills paid and food. Only anything above that got to go toward my wine.

This month I am even more proud! I live at a resort and during the two month of peak season (July/August) my rent more than doubles a little. It’s my first month without him so I was afraid of what that would mean financially. After all, he did contribute EVERYTHING he ever brought in.

But I got my rent paid for July. And all my bills. By the way, paying a little extra on everything? Paid off this month. My internet was quite a bit lower than normal because of all the extra bits n pieces I put on it. My phone minutes auto-renewed because I had put enough extra on. And my cupboards, fridge and freezer are overflowing making sure I will eat healthy this month.

And even though I am  broke as fuck I feel okay. I’m not supposed to work because of my health stuff but a little bit of helping here and there? I can do that. Someone local put out a call for a bit of temporary help with her business. Cash. So I work this morning. Very part-time/casual but enough that I will make it through the months of double rent!