Let’s Talk About Change

Yep. I need to make some changes in my life.

We all know Shaunda drinks. Cutting back might be a change. We all know Shaunda is a slut. Not filling a void with meaningless sex might be a change. We all know Shaunda likes to take filthy pics or any pics and post them whenever or wherever. I’m pretty sure that will only change by type of pictures.

So, Happy New Year. I have made some decisions about my next year and I want to write about them.

My blog might become less sexual. That’s a goal, not a promise.

I really want to write about transforming my life. I got away from a repressed and abusive relationship. I stayed away. And I explored whatever was out there to have and behold. In all of that? I stayed sober from hard drugs when they were offered. I continued to be a self sustained person. I met wonderful people who will be lifelong friends. I renewed relationships with family and friends from my past. I didn’t just survive, I thrived.

Thriving gives me hope for the coming year.

As a thriver I plan to continue to change. Slow down on the alcohol for sure. I cut off the drive-by sex guys in favour of ones who want to at least spend a bit of time. I got an elliptical machine to help with the weight I have gained. I plan to blog about that process with before, during and after pictures. Just doing it on my own with a poor person budget. I hope it will help others. And I want to reconnect with more people from my past who love and support me as I am and where I am at.

Happy New Year to anyone who reads this. I hope you find ways to thrive.

Shibari

WARNING: This post contains xxx verbiage and pics. Please read it only if you like that.

I’ve been on a path to try as many new things as I can this summer and yesterday I was delighted to get to experience Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, also known as Kinbaku, is a form of Japanese artistic rope bondage. The word translates to ‘to tie’ or ‘to bind’ and refers to intricate and beautiful knots and patterns used to restrain and give sensation to the body. I think of it like erotic macrame.

I was nervous about the idea of being restricted however I have a trusted friend who is experienced and wanted to practice his knots. It was fantastic!

We started with wrist wraps so I could get used to how long it takes for all the knots and get me used to the feel of the ropes on my skin. and once I was comfortable we graduated to a basic chest harness.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. Not only the feeling of restriction but all of the sensations as you are being tied. He was very gentle. The ropes were tight but he regularly checked to make sure I was comfortable and relaxed. The feel of his hands brushing against my erogenous zones was titillating. I found some of the different things particularly turning me on.

He likes to do rope on flesh so we tried another chest one.

A lot of people associate Shibari with BDSM. It doesn’t have to be but it can. I let him restrain my wrists and ankles.

And a corset.

And lastly, not all knots are rope. He tried a chain chest harness on me first his time.

It took us around 5 hours to try all the variety of things. I really had fun and we will totally be doing this again. He has a playroom so we might take it there and put me on suspension hooks…..

Shibari. Who knew? Another one off the fucket list.

Riddle Me This

Here’s a simple riddle:

Three guys message “what are you up to?” (there has been one date with each, two put on the moves already and the third was the least attractive so a bt shy, none have been slept with)

All three get the same reply, “I’m loving the rain is cooling off my place so I can get some things done around my home and maybe do some baking later. But I need to get to the store first so I’m getting ready for that.”

Guy 1: So no time to have a quick fuck?

Guy 2: Maybe we should ‘cuddle’ to a movie instead.

Guy 3: OKay, I know you’re busy. But you shouldn’t have to walk or take a bus in the rain. I have some time today so I could give you a ride. That would give us time to just hang out. But no pressure.

Which guy will get the pleasure of my company today?

I know what I am known for. I’m the Princess of Sluts. Queen of Debauchery. Right?

In truth? I go round about with sex. So it’s not surprising that one friend replied with a quirky, tongue-in-cheek reply.

“Well #3 is the only one who put your needs into his response, so he seems like the best choice. But knowing you, you’ll pick #1, kick him out in time for #2 to watch a movie, and tell #3 that you could use the ride tomorrow. ”

I’m laughing because he is so honest. Also he knows me much better than I realized. And he did tell me, after, it was tongue n cheek. But I also see the reality of how I am seen.

I replied to him with the honest answer of the riddle.

You do know me. Too well, apparently. LOL

BUT,  I’m trying to make changes in my life. So I chose another path today.

I told #1 to go fuck himself. I told #2 he should try harder.

And #3? Well, he’s gonna drive me to errands and expect nothing. But I’m working on the cookies before he picks me up so I can give him treats and I plan to give him a kiss goodbye.

If, during our outing, he makes me laugh and smile? I plan to ask him up to hang out and look at music online to see if that is a fit for us. Because I know he won’t pressure me for more.”

That is the truth. I’m not going to stop being who I am but I am going to have times as I am growing that I try on ‘self respect’ as a thing I might like.

My New Place

living room

When I split with the ex? The kind old lady whose cabin I loved living in thought it would be better if I moved on. She was a bit afraid of my ex. Rather than fight the issue I found a new place.

It’s pretty awesome that with such a housing shortage in my area I found a place within a couple weeks. When I viewed it? The landlord told me he had already showed a few other people but something about me made him want to rent to me. And I got it.

And I love it. In a building with only seven apartments I am the only upper suite. I have a little balcony. My place is cozy but perfectly sized for me. And it is a little retro in the kitchen area. I love the orange counters.

kitchen

The bedroom fits my king size bed with room to spare.

I have fantastic landlords who really upkeep the place. I’m getting all new windows and a new sliding door this summer so my hydro bill won’t be as high next winter. They care for the property well and they tell me all the time they appreciate having me as a tenant.

And I have good neighbours. They are kind of crazy and qwerky but harmless. They are like funny characters in my soap opera life.

My downstairs neighbour, Rob, told me I’m the best neighbour he has ever had. He is the only one I need to worry about noise with and we both act respectfully about that. We call each other roomies with a floor between us. Brenda from down the way is a typical crazy cat lady. Main word being crazy. But she makes me laugh with all her strangeness.

I’m happy where I ended up. Is it my dream home? Nah. Not like the cabin was. But that dream died with my ex anyway. I think I found the next best thing.

Awake

The guy who offered the meth last time and I was told it was coke?

He found a way to connect with me outside of the things I blocked. And I am such a fucking moron. Sucker. User. Addict.

He only came over for sex. Not the greatest dick but he does other things well. He played with toys with me. He made sure I was certainly satisfied.

But he also did lines in front of me and left a plate of meth in my home.

We played and then he had to leave.

So at this moment? I am staring at lines of meth on my counter.

I want to wash them down the drain.  I really want to. I called a friend who will hopefully be able to come over in the middle of the night and take care of them.

Who thought staring at meth could keep you as awake as having done it? This is torture.

Does It Count?

A couple of weeks ago I encountered a situation where I was offered cocaine.

My main triggers are crack and meth so I am usually okay with being around people on coke. I was having fun with them. It was a new situation. I decided to do a line of coke. My first line in a decade.

I’m not sure why.  Maybe because I was tired and didn’t want the night to end. Maybe because I wanted the other parties involved to know I was cool with whatever they want to do even though it’s not my lifestyle.

Just one line.

I was up for two days.

And then the girl told me…. it was actually crushed up meth.

I’ve been so proudly clean from that demon for more than 7 years. If I had known it was meth I would have left the party without doing anything.

So I feel tricked and deceived. I feel so disappointed in myself for doing a line of  ‘coke’ that turned out to be meth. I feel like she took away my meth sobriety. I’m struggling with feelings of self hate because I made such a stupid decision.

I haven’t had a craving. I deleted all contact with the guy who brought it and the gal who led me to believe it was something else. And I have been mostly hibernating in my misery of knowing that happened.

I have been meditating. I did some cleansing. I’m trying to get over the emotions I am feeling about this.  I am trying to avoid alcohol as much as possible. But I feel so alone in this.

This is the first I am admitting I am no longer able to say I haven’t done meth in 7 years.

I want for it not to count because I was not told it was something other than cocaine. But even knowing I chose to do one line of coke makes me feel horrible. I have epically failed in so many ways in my life and this is just one more. I wish I could take it back.

I need to re-focus myself. I need to think about some of the self destructive choices I make. And while I know I still would never knowingly do meth again in my life? I don’t want to make this kind of mistake again.

 

The Final Act

My ex and I broke up for the final time last October (2019).

One morning he became very angry. I don’t really remember what is was about. I do remember he tossed me around the room like a rag doll. He smashed my head against the door frame of our bedroom so badly it broke the door. And when I was sitting on the floor trying to recover from being dizzy he pushed me into the wall so hard I ended up with a concussion.

I waited a day and a half to go to the police. I just wanted it on record but the RCMP took one look at me and as I gave a statement they went and removed him from the home and placed him under arrest.

I haven’t seen him since.

I have permanent neck and head injuries. I will be on cortisone shots for the rest of my life. I had to move out of my dream home because the landlord felt it was just too much drama.

The Crown wanted me to appear in court to testify against him but I didn’t feel like I could. So she asked what I did want. I told her I wanted him to go through mandatory counseling and to have a permanent order that he is never allowed to contact me or approach me again. And I wanted this to be on his record incase he does this to anyone else. The judge agreed to that, finally, in May 2020. It is all done.

At first it was so hard to deal with being alone. Trying to find new housing in my area was a challenge but I was able to. Packing to move and getting rid of his things he never took were a challenge as well. He left me his shitty broken car to deal with.

It’s been nine months though and I feel like I have really mustered up and overcome. Because of the court order I don’t have to worry about him contacting me (he has totally obeyed the court so far).

I’m meeting new people. Meditating. Exercising. Experiencing new adventures. And I am writing again. I am over him and finally out from under his thumb.

Surviving like a boss!

Morning Methheads

I checked into the emergency psych health recently. I will write about the situation more soon but I need to write about this part while it is on my mind. I got home today and this is only a short part of two days but it is significant enough I have questions.
When I woke up in the hospital yesterday morning around 6:30am to go to the bathroom there was a gentleman in the common area who was an overnight arrival. He was clearly agitated and paranoid, shouting out about the nurses behind the glassed in nursing station ‘talking shit about him’.
 
I tried to get back into my room but it was not a real room (they had put me on a mattress in the conference room for lack of beds). I found the door was locked. I was locked in the common room while they had their morning meeting and ignored what was happening outside the glass.
 
When he started pacing around the room and addressing them directly? They came out and talked to him. When they were afraid of him? They went back behind closed glass and left me alone with him in the common area.
They called security. Security arrived but went behind closed glass with them to talk about it which amped him up more. No one checked to see if I was safe while I was alone with him addressing me directly about their actions.
Finally, another young guy came in the area (addict, looking for a place to sober and rehab but calm and cool). He sat beside agitated guy and just tried to reassure him no one is talking about him. When agitated guy addressed me? Other junkie spoke up some kind of calming answer that left me out. He made me feel safer.
Security eventually came out and tried to convince ‘agitated’ he needed to go to a quiet room. They worked on him for twenty minutes or so with the help of nurses and social worker while he threatened others in the room. Particularly myself and the female nurses.
“Oh I’d never hit a bitch, but I have no issue telling them they’re bitches. Right, you fucking cunt looking at me?” (that was directed at me even though my eyes were in my lap and my headphones were on)
A doctor came out and asked him a bunch of questions. One result was, “yes, he had smoked meth about 4 hours ago, right before he was brought in”. Also, that going to a quiet room would be like putting him back in the prison cell he spent most his life in.
My fear factor shot up. This guy was a raging, meth-high, tatted, tear-dropped, ex-prisoner. However, the doctor felt Mr. Agitated had calmed down enough from their chat he could stay in the common room. No sedatives administered.
By that time it was 7:30am and people were coming into the area for breakfast. I met a lovely woman and we had our breakfast together, discussing our own situations while trying to deal with his ranting to everyone about how everyone in the room is talking about him. He got very angry when K and I ignored him. Called us foul names and gave “I’d never… but I could” kind of threats.
So many nurses and aides walked through the room as this was happening. They just kept telling him “it’s not all about you, they aren’t talking about you”. No one checked to see if we felt okay or unsafe, but he got offered warm blankets to calm him.
K asked if I wanted to go back to her room to get away from it and we did. We had a great talk and we bonded. But you can only sit for so long before you want to stretch your legs. We went back to the common area, grabbed some coffees and sat in the corner to chat more.
That’s when hell broke loose. Mr. Agitated started getting upset about the nurses ignoring him. It was because they were talking about him. Every person in the room was talking about him. K and I MUST have gone away to talk about him. What kind of shit were we saying? Was I saying he stole my blanket? Bitches like us just need to get raped. You know, he could rape a little kid and all he would get charged with was child rape but he could almost get away with doing us….  His rant went on as we cowered over our coffee, scared and unsure what to do and nurses sat behind glass.
It took three minutes of him pacing in front of us and verbally abusing us for another patient to alert nurses and them to call a Code White. Security came. And they tried to talk him down again.
And when they couldn’t? K and I were made to leave the common area, not him. So we cowered in her room until they finally had RCMP come and take him away.
I’m a rape victim with anxiety. How could they leave me in that room with an admitted methed up person while they hid behind glass? How could they leave him in the room after admitting he was that high and was already acting aggressive? Just because he calmed down for a moment? He terrorized more than one person. Why was he allowed to do that?

Yoga At The Beach

IMG_0241

Wow! Yoga is not as easy at it looks.

I’m VERY flexible so I assumed yoga would be an easy way for me to incorporate muscle training into my walking regiment.

However, yoga? It’s requires a few things. Focus, balance, flexibility and commitment.

I did Yoga at the Beach today. I thought I would be good at it because I have the stretchiness (flexibility).

Turns out I have minimal focus and zero balance. Resulting in about 10 new bruises.

Turns out? Ha ha. There is not ‘turns out’ because it was expected.

My anxiety about being in a new situation with strangers, one of them touching me because she is the instructor? Of course my focus was off even though I muddled though it.

My other health issues that affect my muscles and make them twitch? That makes balance hard on the best of days. Trying to balance with twitching muscles while dealing with anxiety of being touched?

I got through it. Fell more than once in difficult poses but I got back up on the horse.

I LACK focus and balance.

There is that fourth component though. I’ll make up for the lack of focus and balance with commitment!! Next class is next Tuesday so I have all weekend to Youtube beginner yoga videos and practice. Get my BF to help me strength train so I am not falling on basic poses. Not be so much of a falling fool.

Yoga on the Beach! I can do this!

Amazon Prime

I’m not a rich person. It means I am always looking for a way to save a buck where I can. I read my flyers, buy bulk on sale, cut coupons, use points programs and even do surveys online to find ways to save. I made it into a hobby or game. Like, how much can I save today?

I pay for internet. Cheaper than getting cable was to get Netflix to get movies, TV, etc. Netflix n chill was working well for less per month than cable.

I order things online. I don’t like travelling to the ‘big city’ for things and can’t get everything I need around here. So I’ve been paying shipping on regular items. Hmmm.

I mostly order from Amazon. Why? Remember those surveys? They pay me with Amazon gift cards.

Amazon Prime is $76/year. Netflix? $11/month = $132/year

Amazon Prime has better TV and movie options. Their TV shows are star studded.

Oh, and by saving $56/year on my TV habits? I also get free two-day shipping. I spent close to $70 last year in shipping alone. So that’s more savings and huge convenience.

Lastly, Amazon Prime gives me discounts on things I order regularly. My cat’s food? Cheaper on Amazon, delivered to my door with free shipping.

Making the switch to Amazon Prime has significantly affected my budget to the positive.  If you order online and watch internet based programming? I recommend Amazon Prime!