End Result?

We got our groove on. I did call him the N word. He wanted it. Even though he doesn’t look ‘black’ (sorry if that sounds racist). I am just trying to describe a look. He has longer, thick, wavy hair and dark, piercing eyes.  He looks Indian, Bollywood style but also Native American. Such an exotic look.

And even though I gave into calling him what he wanted and saying terrible things to him? He also called me equally dirty words and spanked me a bit. I feel like we were equal LOL

That was a first. He was fun. Funny. I read him my original blog about him and he found it humorous, I think. After we were done and were reading comments? He found it even more funny.

He says he wants to see me again.

Things we connect on? Pics and videos. He took good pics and great video.  He has no issue with another man in the room so bukkake is fine. He is STD free and carries condoms (always a plus). And?

He was cute. Like really cute. Taller than me. Tanned skin with shaggy dark hair. Piercing eyes. Tattoos. Fit. He made it super easy to want to get that. Twice.

And that is the result of my first ever cross culture experience!


Call Me Your Nigger?

Yep. Just dropped the N bomb.

Why? Because I have never taken a black dick before and I have a mixed race guy who wants to come over and have me as his personal dessert.

I let him know I have never gone black. No disrespect about that. But when I tried to date a guy in high school I was just taught, in my family, that mixed race anything was not something I should invite in my life. I looked at the black hand holding mine and let go.

And tonight? I am going to take my first ever semi-black cock. I told him I don’t do that and this is really a first for me.

His response? He told me he wants me to call him my nigger.

Yep. Call him the N word and tell him how he needs to please his mistress’ white/pink pussy. He doesn’t want to enter me. Just finger and tongue. Plus provide me with weed n wine. And he wants to be my ‘good’ nigger.

I’m gonna roll with this and see where it goes. But just trying to get used to the word nigger rolling off my tongue in a sensitive way? AWKWARD!



I decided to take down my dating profile.

It was fun while it’s been there. I have met some really nice people to talk to who don’t seem to have any real ambition to meet. Some people I’ve met and it’s been, well, fun blog fodder. Some are just total creepers asking bizarre questions of someone for a first message. Like, “If we go for a walk on the beach when we meet can I smell your feet after?” (Personally? “Hello” works better with me)

However in all of the hullabaloo that has been my current dating life I have met some pretty cool people. One wasn’t from my dating profile, just a local who is currently out of town but wants to meet when he gets back from his training thing.

The guys I’ve met online that I think are the best? Are the guys that pester me to meet them even if I’ve put them off (anxiety means I cancel). We meet, don’t have sex or even really fool around but they let me know they read my blog, get who I am or where I’m at. They just want to keep knowing me. They hope it means they will get into my panties.

It’s the select few I’ve laughed with that I want to keep around. A few guys stopped a few minutes to say hi as they were passing through my hood. Last minute they asked if they could pop in to put a face to the online conversations. Some others spent hours here. Visiting not only me but other people in my life and there was no pressure to ‘get me alone’.

Altogether, I’ve met a few. Might even call it a roster! But they are aware of the situation and still made the effort to make a friendship first. They all want to be with me and I am sexually attracted to all of them. Connection happened when they put friendship before box.

I think I have found a sufficient number of friends with benefits! I’m looking forward to having these really cool guys around in my life to spend time and have amazing fuck sessions with. I’m sure they will all let me tell stories and most have offered to be cameramen for me. But it will be more than that, too! Exactly what I needed.

Time to ditch the crazy of the online first dates for the comfort of being with familiar. That was a quick process. I’m glad!


Bollywood. YES! I do that. The colour. The dance. The exotic way they entice each other. The country of Tantric love. The music. I love the music. The subtitles?
“You are my  love, For eternity. We are united. You are my partner. I am a girl with my beloved. My lamp is lit by your flame. You are my united.”
It sounds so much more pretty in their language. And this is just the opening track. Still? Full of colour and dance while they sing it.
I have had a huge fascination with Indian culture and cuisine since some missionaries from India came to my church when I was a child. I wanted to be there and see it so much? It sorta shaped my life. Back when I was involved in that religious experience as a child? I thought it meant I was mean to go there as a missionary. I’ve let go of that.
Today? I watched a TV show that made me want to Netflix search for Bollywood movies and belly dance around my living room with colourful skirts on LOL
The have an episode where grown up Stephanie Tanner belly dances with a bindy on her head and all I can think is? YUM!
Fucking Bollywood women? Those curvy belly dancing gals? I fucking need to meet more of those!
One other thing though? Even when a doctor is called in the movie? He always tries a natural medicine first. When I am watching movies made in other countries? Particularly India? So much reference to homeopathic medicine. Just a rabbit trail thought for another time.
India seems to have a theme of LOVE and marriage in their films, as well. So there was a wedding welcome song I just watched. It is a song to bring a new bride into your family. It started with the words,
“Listen to what we have to say dear bride. Meet your new family.  (A woman stands up to dance and says) We’ll introduce you to everyone, tell you their secrets, too.” That gets repeated so much until she knows she is welcome. Then the dance to introduce her to the head of the family begins. And it all goes from there. In epic colour and beautiful dance.
But I am really more about the dancing and colour…. so..
Is the movie I am watching. Lots of dialogue I need to read. But a lot of colour, music and girl power to it, so far.
May switch over to something more musical so I can dance more but right now I am dancing at their wedding LOL

Family Reunions

There is something going on in the park today. Where I live? My space has a hotel on one side, a courtyard on the other and one trailer that backs in on the one side that faces my yard. It’s VERY quiet because I don’t really have neighbours.

But today I can hear a bunch of people in the courtyard hugging, kissing, crying and congratulating.

I went up to check my mail and on the way back I noticed the hotel room adjacent to my trailer had the door open and a lady was standing outside. I told her mine was the RV next door and asked how she was. She excitedly told me all about their family reunion. It’s her mom’s 98th birthday. It is her and her husbands 50th anniversary. And everyone came to celebrate all weekend.

As she told me about all the celebrations my eyes welled up a bit with some tears. She was SO excited and happy. And then? I hugged her. She hugged me back so hard. Like she really needed it or something. Made me glad I did it even though touching others is against my nature LOL

So now I am invited to a family reunion for a 98th b-day and 50th anniversary.

This is what happens when I send out my energy to the universe asking to meet people LMAO

Double Rent

I have money on my mind. One of my ex’s ‘things’ that upset him was how I could go through so much money in one week. In five years? He worked a total of three months and collected assistance for four. Every cent of it went toward our home (he calls that stealing from him).

So here it is. I get paid monthly. I make less than $1800 a month.

When I get paid my first priority is to pay my bills. I pay rent, internet and phone off the hop. Internet and phone get a little extra as a buffer every month to make sure I am always ahead of the ‘bills’ Then, because I only get paid monthly? I do a huge grocery shop and get all the supplies needed for a month. Food, toiletries, cleaning supplies, cat supplies. I get my meds and/or any pain reliever and allergies type stuff (not cheap).  I don’t drive and my friend isn’t rich so when I get rides I either put in gas money or ‘owe’ him gas money. There’s that debt to pay each month as well because I appreciate being able to get to grocery shopping and doctor appointments.

It used to be I would get about $200 worth of weed and my ex’s smokes as well.

So where did all the money go? I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I was always very proud that we had a roof over our heads and bills paid and food. Only anything above that got to go toward my wine.

This month I am even more proud! I live at a resort and during the two month of peak season (July/August) my rent more than doubles a little. It’s my first month without him so I was afraid of what that would mean financially. After all, he did contribute EVERYTHING he ever brought in.

But I got my rent paid for July. And all my bills. By the way, paying a little extra on everything? Paid off this month. My internet was quite a bit lower than normal because of all the extra bits n pieces I put on it. My phone minutes auto-renewed because I had put enough extra on. And my cupboards, fridge and freezer are overflowing making sure I will eat healthy this month.

And even though I am  broke as fuck I feel okay. I’m not supposed to work because of my health stuff but a little bit of helping here and there? I can do that. Someone local put out a call for a bit of temporary help with her business. Cash. So I work this morning. Very part-time/casual but enough that I will make it through the months of double rent!


Less Drowning, More Air

So, I’m still an alcoholic. The idea of giving up wine to go sky-diving (I Need Air) seemed easier after some glasses of wine than it actually is or will be.

BUT? I decided to start the saving journey AFTER my payday. Payday was four day’s ago. I also decided it is okay to have wine, but when I forego it I should put money in the envelope!

Since then?

Usually I buy a box of wine on payday. This particular day? I chose to buy a small bottle and put the difference in my ‘air’ fund. I’ve drank on other days and no money went in.

But yesterday? Paul and I were on a walk. I had money on my pocket because we walked the direction of the wine store. He had his bike so he could show me some of his tricks, etc.

After a bit I told him I was too tired in the hot sun to keep going. He offered to ride up to the wine store and get some for us. I gave him the cash I had and he asked me if I wanted the big bottle or small one.

I really wanted the big one. Really!!

But I told him to get me a small one. And I came home and put another $5 in my air fund.

I guess I am not giving up wine. But I am willing to make choices to have less wine to slowly make sure my dreams come true.

Four days, $30 saved toward air.



Confrontational Bravery

I hate confrontation of any kind. It can be about approaching someone about something kind I want to do… I still get anxiety!

I went up to pay my rent the other day. When I moved in I was under the impression it was a monthly rate. I’ve paid the same rate every month for the past eight. I was given six months notice the rent doubles in the prime months (two months I have already been planning for).

You can imagine my surprise when I was told, by the newly re-hired manager, they don’t pro-rate. On months there are 31 days, and because May had 31 days, my rent would be an extra $17.50.

Not being confrontational I simply paid it without reacting.

What I wanted to say?

“Are you serious? I have lived here as a good tenant for over six months. No complaints. Rent paid in full every month.

No one ever said my monthly rate was pro-rated and no one ever charged me anything additional for 31 day months. You gave six months notice for the July/August rent increase but you give me thirty seconds at the time I was paying about the extra day? You charged me an extra day because May has 31 days as I was paying June rent? You’ve decided to spring this on your tenants after you have had them without amenities for six weeks with no idea of when they will be back?  You decide NOW is a good time to jack the rent by one day every 31 day month?

(I moved in partly for the laundry and being close to a convenience store. They had a flood that made it I have to pay extra gas money to be driven for laundry and there is no store until renovated)

Fine. Prices are subject to change without notice and I have no contract because I choose this lifestyle. I paid your fee. But when I move in two weeks? I don’t pro-rate either… “

That’s what I wish I had said.

What I did do? I waited two days to calm my shit (I have PMS and am prone to emotional outbursts over perceived slights), collected my thoughts and then, today, while checking my mail? I casually asked a staff member who was present at the time I was charged the extra if that was standard procedure. She reassured me they don’t pro-rate.

I told her I found it surprising because I thought with my extended stay it was “my set rate” and I had never been charged more. I told her I understood changes happen but I was disappointed there wasn’t more notice. And that it was charged extra for a 31 day month that was previous to the one I was actually paying for.

By the end of choking that out? I did have a couple unrestrained tears coming out. I wasn’t crying, it’s how my body squishes out the anxiety when I feel like I can’t just be anxious. She told me she will talk to the other manager about it.

I can’t believe that I really calmly, despite a couple tears, told someone about my concern. No over reacting. I don’t expect they will change a policy. I’m sure I’ll be paying the extra $17.50/month for all the 31 day months.

But I had enough courage today to make sure my voice was heard about that situation! I managed confrontation that made me feel so angry inside by simply expressing my thoughts in a rational manner.

More importantly than my not losing it on someone over it? I actually voiced myself in the middle of my anxiety and fear of confrontation!



Audition For A Play? I Did That!

I decided to be daring. I stepped outside my realm of the norm when it comes to peopling. Tonight, I auditioned with a local theatre group for a spring 2018 production.

I’ve been into theatre as long as I can remember. I asked my parents to allow me to attend public school so I could pursue dramatic arts. It never happened.

I joined a drama team in college and was in a few plays. I had to get parts because it was a ‘credit course’ for me.

Then I had a professor/drama coach turn me off of it. I auditioned for a real play at my college. Dr. Fisk told me I was very skilled dramatically but I was too big for him to ever find a role for and if I thought I wanted theatre in my life I should choose it over food.

He was probably right. It was 22 years ago, I was obese and fat acceptance was not a thing. No one had roles for someone my size. Fat-shaming was normal and I was a gigantic target.

My theatre dreams ended there.

Until now.

I read a very moving piece of work a few months ago and thought, “If I ever had the chance to do a reading at an open mic I would read this.”

Then? Across my Facebook feed comes an open call to audition for a play. I decided to go for it. The audition required a contemporary monologue. I chose the piece that had been so inspiring to me.

Tonight I went to my audition.

What an experience.

It was terrifying at first. I walked into a lobby full of accomplished actors and actresses that knew each other. One was man in three other plays in the area right now. They all knew the director personally and were talking about how hard he can be.

“If he doesn’t like you? You won’t finish your monologue. If he asks you to read from script? He likes you.”

I almost walked out because my anxiety was taking over. I was trembling as I went in.

It went GREAT! I don’t know that I will get a role. I realize now I am not nearly qualified for the role I wanted.

However? After my monologue the director turned to the casting person and said he thought I would be perfect for the role of Clara.  A more minor role than I originally went for but I was thrilled he thought of me at all.

He pulled out a portion of the script I have never seen and asked me to read some things. I had a few moments to read and prepare. It was great because I was able to use the things on stage as ‘props’. ie. I sat on a stone to represent sitting on a bench, touched the top of a piece of wood that was nearby when ‘touching a table’.

In the end? He asked if I would be available for certain rehearsal dates. The woman there told me I did well and that I should be proud. I’ll know ‘whenever they decide’ if I get a part.

It doesn’t matter to me one bit if I land a part. It matters that I DID this. I stepped beyond past situations that hurt me, fought through my anxiety and took a huge, courageous step forward.

And I owned that monologue.

Thank You

Paul read my blog about the black out drunk situation. Well, I showed it to him as a conversation starter. He read it and we held hands. He told me he understood but we left it at that.

Later in the day we were out with a friend running a bunch of errands. At the end, I picked up a bottle of wine. The small one this time. Paul didn’t say anything.

When we got home though? We talked. Productively. As I drank my wine.

So here it is…

Dear Paul,

Thank you for reading my blog and waiting until the right time to talk.

Thank you for the errands we ran today! They are the tail end of a lot of work you have done to help support our situation. I appreciate all the efforts you’ve made that go outside your box. Emotionally and politically.

Thank you for talking to me today. You let me open the conversation up.  You had no problem with me having wine as we talked. You listened to me so patiently. Thank you for listening to my plan (**to be discussed in another blog**) and for being willing to be an active part.

Thank you for reminding me that you have no problem with me having drinks. You kind of like tipsy, silly  Shaunda. But you are right that the Jekyll/Hyde effect after too much… is too much.

Thank you for being you. Close to a non-drinker who is so in love with an alcoholic, as I am, but willing to go the distance to help me change in the ways that will make myself and us healthier.

Even though I went to bed early? Thank you for coming to bed and whispering in my ear that you thanked me for writing that blog, for talking, for having a plan, for helping you, for taking care of you.

Just, thank you! I love you,