I’m Obscene

I write my blog about my life. It’s about my situations, my perspectives on them.  Sometimes it’s about my sexuality. Sometimes that means pictures.

Today is the first time I was told I was so wrong for sharing the sex part. It happened on Facebook, oddly.

I recognize Facebook has certain standards so I remove any pictures and I post copious amounts of warnings that those posts are XXX or NSFW (Not Safe For Work). I post the warnings in my blog and also in the post on Facebook or Twitter.

Imagine my surprise when someone I recently accepted as an online friend because of other personal connections decided to lambaste me on my own post. No pics. Many warnings. (she’s been blocked)

But, what, she’s illiterate?

Her comment said “This is so wrong. I can’t believe you would use Facebook to post your disgusting sex site. You are terrible and should be removed from the internet. You’re obscene.”

You betcha. I AM obscene. And you can think I am disgusting all you want. But can’t you read? There were multiple warnings not to read that post if you didn’t want to “read sick things about me you don’t want to know”.  It’s the actual warning.

Obscene. Disgusting. Ugly. “OMG barf”….  Just a number of things I’ve read about myself today.

Still taking pics tonight. Because I’ll be as fucking vulgar and obscene as I want!

A Walk

ocean

My husband and I live in a close community and where he is living now is not far from where I live.  Since our messy break up I’ve spent the majority of my time at home, or at least in the park, so I could avoid running into him. Our email communication was rocky at best and I didn’t want to face him. We were communicating well the night of my healing ceremony so I simply asked him to avoid the area I was going and he respected it.

I’ve come to understand my anxiety about seeing him also meant I was avoiding things that could help  me heal, like walks and sitting by the ocean to meditate.

He had been pushing me to have a face to face with him. Even though I didn’t quite feel ready I went ahead. That meeting itself went well. We went for lunch, at a local place, but after seeing each other communication fell apart again.

It’s a long process where we are still figuring everything out individually before we can consider being together again.

The advantage of taking that step of seeing him? I don’t need to feel anxious about an accidental run-in. We crossed the barrier and I am no longer afraid to go for walks outside the park where I live.

This picture? I walked down to visit the ocean for a few minutes today.

The Many Faces Of Me

I like pictures! What I find most interesting is the pictures I love the most are the ones that, in real life, I look nothing like them. Everything I like about me is fake.

red corset

All that hair? Wig! Corset holding in all kinds of stuff and very padded push up bra. I look nothing like this but I love that for a split second a camera thought I did!

161834514017869

Also not really what I look like. This was when I lived in the forest clearing bush trails by hand. It was the most FIT I have ever been but that has fallen to the side. I still love this picture though. For a brief time I felt like I had some core strength!

fat shaunda

Would you believe? I have not looked like this for 12 years but this is one of my faces. One thing I overcame like a champion!

new

This is the most recent picture I have. It looks most like me. It’ the woman I am growing to accept.