**NOTE: I started writing this weeks ago. WEEKS. I’ve been wrestling with it. We’ve argued about it and made up/broke up since. So it starts weeks ago. Others have been written since so I feel a bit backtracking… I’ll note when it changes to ‘current’.**
All he’s ever told me was he wants honesty. Truth. I shouldn’t hide things from him. He could handle whatever I had to say except a lie!
I picked up his phone. He went into the bank, and while I was bored, I grabbed his phone. I often use his phone to play my games. I have the password. So I don’t feel as though I violated privacy.
When I unlocked his phone to play my game? It was on POF. He had recent messages and I never read them.
We both had POF accounts while apart. I took mine down (RIP POF) .
When we got back together? He made his profile ‘private’. He paid for the service so I guess ‘private’ is different. I don’t know. I thought if you hid your profile you didn’t get new messages. So ‘hiding’ the profile was fine. I never figured he was looking around.
I have declined contact with many people I met through there. Any I keep contact with are aware I am monogamous and they never press the issue. Legit friends!
But he saw the first paragraph of this blog as I was writing it. He’s smart. He figured out I saw he had POF messages.
Next day he mentioned POF casually and told me he didn’t know why he still got messages. He chalked it up to not really knowing. He made a point of showing me where it says his profile is turned off. “I don’t know why I still get messages” was the explanation.
Not much later I was playing my game and a pop-up came along that she messaged him again. And I read it. I invaded his messages. I feel like I am a horrible person for invading his privacy. I’ve never read his messages before unless he said I could.
Except? It wasn’t long ago he was reading my emails and Facebook, without my permission, to see what I was saying to people. He called me on some shit and I changed my ways. If he can invade my privacy like that? Tit for tat.
When we got back together? I took down all my profiles. I stopped making dates. I told people who were friends that I was with him and monogamy was important.
But? I saw his phone again. After he tried to tell me it was just some random message. After he showed me he DOES have his profile turned off! Except the message WASN’T random. As of when I saw the message? He told her she wasn’t too far to drive to meet. He also proactively messaged another to say, ‘hey, we never did get that coffee’.
If he wants other women? He should have them! I have never discouraged that. I only gave up my own options because I thought he wanted monogamy. He can’t stand the idea of another man touching me.
I DID want to be with him. I am hurt he is obviously pursuing another woman while telling me I am his only. I am hurt he lies to me while calling me a liar. I am angry he is hiding it while being morally self-righteous about me and calling me names, like slut.
All he asked of me was honesty. I’ve been giving that and living that because I committed to him. I have been all in. I also committed to myself that I will not jump on the next dick to come along just because he hurts me. I’ve been true to my word! Most importantly to ME.
If he wants to pursue other adventures? All I want is to know. I get hurt by the hidden, not by the actions. Just tell me. Allow me the same. Share the experiences. Stop calling me a slut for the same behaviour.
However we didn’t talk about it. I thought we were ‘not seeing other people’. I told any other prospect I wasn’t going to meet them. I cut off anyone who was being too persistent and made it clear I only wanted friendship.
**OK. We’re a couple weeks later. We fought and argued about it. He kept telling me I am not trustworthy while invading my email/Facebook messages and questioning me on every word to every person. He also deleted and blocked some of my friends. And told me he wants out.***
Then we kind of half made up. It was the sex. I even told him I felt unsexy but he told me he’d make me feel it. He really made love to me. He asked, after, if I felt okay with it. I gave him the replies I thought he needed to hear. But, I still felt unsexy.
Then we fought again. He went behind my back to read my messages. He read innocent things I easily explained. So I started deleting everything. Then it became about me deleting things?
WHAT? He had already deleted everything and every password/profile from the computer. But I am the one hiding things? Pot, Kettle.
But we fought hard. We are not a couple. Too many horrible things were said to me to forgive them. I won’t give him cause to call me the things he said in that horrific text. I can’t even embarrass myself to share his words. How disgusting he makes me feel.
Still? I told him I will be respectful until either of us leave. We’re being civil. I think it would be easier for me to find a place and I want to make sure he has a place so I am wanting to leave him mine.
I feel misled.
We were working on things. I had given him full access to read things. His lack of trust led him to misinterpret things I let him read. His anger/temper led him to treat me badly. In the end? And it is the end. I cannot forgive what he said yesterday. It went too far and I can never trust him to love me again.
I’ll keep him around and we can take care of each other until we find a way to make our way on our own. But I am still barely surviving his words. Too hurt to even share them. Humiliated and shameful for something I never did.\
He may not trust I’m being faithful. I will never trust a loving word that ever comes out of his mouth again.