Letters From Home

I received a personal letter recently. I write more letters than I receive. I was surprised. And it was from my dad (the adopted one, not the dead one) who never writes letters. I was super anxious when I opened it.

I thought it would be some kind of reprimand. What did he read in my blog? I mean, I don’t think he reads blogs. Pretty sure he barely gets email. But I was curious what he had to say that was so important a pen went to paper and a stamp went to envelope.

It was deeply personal. I won’t share his personal stuff but he explained a lot of things about himself that he felt led him to make mistakes in his life. In particular? He apologized for how those issues led to ‘damaging my generous and beautiful spirit’. And he said he would be grateful if I could forgive him.

It was super emotional. And my reply to him doesn’t expose anything he told me, really, so I will share it with you before I mail it.

Dear Daddy,

I got your letter a few days ago and have been taking some time to reflect before I respond.

Thank you so much for the gift. I was timely for sure. My rent doubles in July/August so September is recovery mode. I had all my bills paid but things were stretched so your gift really helped.

Thank you for sharing about your life and the things that shaped the person you were and who you’ve become.

Thank you for your apology. Know that you have my forgiveness for however you feel you wronged me.

I knew we didn’t have a lot of money when I was a child. But I never saw THAT as holding back anything. I never felt like my needs weren’t met. I saw my dad as hard-working, who did whatever he needed to for his family to get by.

If hindsight is 20/20 and you see now things could have been different? All I have in my heart is happiness for you that your years of hard work are being rewarded.

Being poor taught me to work hard at as many jobs necessary to make ends meet. It taught me to make meals instead of buying pre-fab food. It taught me used clothing is great. Now I find vintage amazing clothes at second hand stores.

If I didn’t grow up how I did monetarily? I would not be able to survive how I live now. And I make ends meet with a few treats. So I don’t just survive, dad, I’m content.

….

There is more to the letter.

Six pages later? I told my daddy so many things.

I told him where I think things went wrong for me.

I needed psychiatric medical help. The psychiatrist I went to? Turned out my parents ‘could tell’ he was a homosexual so they wouldn’t let me go back. I was told to talk to my pastor when I needed serious medical attention mentally.

My pastor was an excellent mathematician. He was an actuary before he quit that to pastor a church. Very intelligent. But a horrible psychiatrist. Instead of being able to talk to him about my sexual issues? I was hauled into his office, as the principal of my school, and told I was lazy.

The daydreaming? Constantly holding up class with my questions? Being stubborn about doing homework I thought was irrelevant? They were all my way of avoiding real schoolwork. I was lazy. Official diagnosis.

How different would I be now if I had gotten help then?

I wrote about my socialization. How I was damaged by being forced to attend such a small school (I did ask my parents if I could go to a different one, public). And then I was thrust into complicated social situations, with no clue how to deal with them. It was awkward and terrifying to me. I already struggled with mental health issues yet to be addressed.

I told him that at least college taught me to ask questions again. In asking them? I learned about the faith I was brought up in. In my required Bible classes? I learned so much history that I started going to the library to compare Biblical history VS the history books I never got to read in my private Christian school.

Christianity stopped making sense for me.

I started taking only the Bible classes required. All my electives became psychology, sociology and journalism so I could learn to communicate better. My field study was drama so I could explore being creative.

I told my dad I am myself pagan now.

The long and the sort of it is I don’t feel like you did me any wrong except for what happened at the hands of “Christianity”. YOU loved me and acted with your best intentions for the well-being of your family.

I love you, dad. I forgive you for whatever you think you did to damage me…..

You mentioned sadness. That comes with age. If you find the time? I really want to know what makes you sad. What are your regrets? All of them. I don’t need details. But I am someone who suffers with depression. Knowing others sadness helps. I could learn from it, maybe?

So I’m gonna close now. I feel like I could write pages more and maybe sometime soon I will. Thank you for your letter, Papa. I love you so much.

Your Chosen Daughter,

Shaunda

 

 

 

Advertisements

Humpty Dumpty

‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a big fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.’

Someone I respect recently told me:

Just because his broken pieces seem to fit your broken pieces doesn’t mean you will put humpty dumpty back together again.

Obviously, a broken egg cannot be put back together. Sometimes a relationship reaches a point where it cannot be put back together. I think that is my friends point. A broken egg can’t be fixed.

But I like to think outside the box.

A broken egg? Can still be useful. Fry one up and put it in a sandwich and you know it is true 🙂

Two broken eggs? They can still come together to make something awesome. An omelette, perhaps.

I put sincere thought into my friends opinion (I asked for it). I understand his comparison to Humpty Dumpty. It’s why I have been trying to take everything in my relationship with stride.

But if I were to take that comparison to another level?

When you put two broken people together who are each working individually to be better people? Sometimes there is a lot of other emotional stuff added. It gets confusing.

But, aren’t emotions what give life ‘flavour’?

We’re taking our Humpty Dumpty brokenness and turning into an omelette with every flavour of every emotion. Yes, we are both scared. But we are moving forward both separate and together (a first for us).

You can’t put broken back together. You can take only take what is broken and make it into something spectacular and new.

 

 

Ashamed

Yep, I’ve been seeing my ex. He stays with me most of the time. We still have some things to work on but we are working on them. We have a lot of things that were issues between us before that we have resolved. However, there are some things that linger.

This morning as he left he mentioned a lil’ anecdote. His boss’s wife came outside the other morning while he was waiting around to get going. She mentioned she heard he had a new girlfriend. He told her ‘sort of’.

Her reply? “As long as it’s not that Shaunda girl.”

When he told me the words kind of struck me. ‘As long as it’s not me?’ And it made me cry. It felt hurtful. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about that woman in our community. I have only ever said kind things about her and been grateful she helped my ex when he needed.

Who the fuck is she to say anything like, ‘as long as it’s not Shaunda’?

He felt bad for upsetting me on his way out the door. His attempt at reassurance? “It’s only because she has read your blog.” I think he meant it to be humorous and I reacted poorly by crying more.

First off? I call bullshit on that. He worked for her husband at the time him and I split. I am sure she knows all the nasty things he said (hard drug addicted, cheating whore) in addition to my blog. She’s heard a more of his side than he lets on. That’s fine. Just, let’s be real.

Secondly, how does reading my blog give anyone the right to judge me? Do they think they are better than me because I embrace my sexuality? Because I admit my failures like alcoholism? Because I have mental health issues that make me ‘difficult’?

I struggled all day with why that quick conversation made me feel so much pain.

We all fail sometimes. Not one person is perfect. I have spent a long time overcoming shame. I meet people who read my blog and they think it is awesome I can be this open. My therapist thinks my sharing everything so ‘raw’ is what is helping overcome things like religious abuse and other life trauma.

I was so angry and hurt about her comment. I dwelled on it a lot. However, I realize now it was because I needed to understand the source of the pain.

I’ve given up  being ashamed of who I am. I am not interested in people who judge me. I’ve been letting judgement roll off me back. So WHY was I letting this stranger’s comment get to me?

I was comedic when I alluded to it in You Can Call Me.

It took me a while to determine it today because I don’t want to admit this. I told my BF I would give him time for us to figure things out. I also want to have time to figure shit out.

But when he told me about it he laughed their conversation off. He assured her it wasn’t me. I’m still a dirty secret.

It’s beginning to bother me a lot that some other woman is getting credit for the dinners he takes pictures of. She’s the reason he has lunches and clean clothes and a place to stay. As long as it’s not Shaunda.

And it bothers me that for all the times I have been called a liar? I’m not worth being honest about.

So why doesn’t he admit it? I went over and over that today. We decided to keep this quiet (even though I put it in my blog). There is judgement from both sides but when I have been asked about him? I admit we are working on things.

Why doesn’t he admit to me? He is ashamed of me.

He’s mentioned before that my sexual escapades while we were apart made him feel like a chump. He said a lot of things about me while we were apart. Maybe he’s ashamed to go back to ‘that’ girl.

When it comes to his boss’ wife? He says she has read my blog. That means he cares what they know, what they have seen and what they think. I don’t.

I gave up allowing people to judge me. I’ve worked on letting go of that for over a year now and I have been doing well.

*UPDATE: it’s been four days since I started this blog and I still can’t describe what I am feeling correctly

I still have no idea how I feel about this. I’m not angry like I was when I heard it. I am not hurt or crying. I am simply trying to determine how and why this strangers comment, overheard by gossip, became such a menace to my thoughts.

And shame. I need to know how I feel about another person’s shame about me when I have fought so hard to overcome shame about myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shaunda The Hut

eating naked

So, yes, when I sit naked on the couch? My skin from weight loss pools around me and I become some Jabba the Hut like figure that I hate having pictures taken of.

And when I take of my bra and lay on my back? Those tits run and hide under my armpits.

What I am really trying to say is my body isn’t pretty naked. But I’m okay with that.

I have a man in my life who has this incredible body. He’s lean and muscular. Six pack abs. Nice big dick. Tight ass. And skin that is so golden. I want to see him naked all the time.

And I sit here all Jabba-like while he covers up. WTF?

He told me today he envies my confidence. He can’t even take out the garbage without putting on a shirt when I would go out topless if I thought I could get away with it. Probably bottomless as well. On a lazy day.

So what is it about self image?

I am always surprised at his lack of confidence. He needs to cover up every part before he sees the world when I think the world would rather see him in a bit less. How can someone with this body NOT want to be seen?

magnificent dick n abs

Yet, here I sit all fat n flabby but perfectly happy with my body the way it is.

Should I be a bit healthier? Yep, and I work on it. But I don’t do it to be thinner. I don’t do it to make clothes fit better. And I show off my everything on a webcam when I have the chance. I am body confident.

I have no idea how that happened. Feels like a reverse role in some ways. The girl reassuring the guy it’s okay to show off his body.

I like it. I wish more people felt it was okay to be themselves exactly the way they are.

 

In MY Relationship

Tonight I looked at him and said, “You are so good for me in my relationship.”

I was full of emotion when I professed it. I was thinking about all the ways he has been supportive and kind. We are growing together instead of apart. I wanted him to know how positive I felt about it.

Did you catch it? He did.

Me: You are so good for me in my relationship.

Him: Your relationship with who?

He doesn’t actually think I am in another relationship. Except for the one he’s always been plagued by.

MY relationship with me. My narcissistic side that makes everything about Shaunda. Even in thinking a relationship is mine and not about who I am with.

We laughed about it. He asked me twice before I actually got it.  MY relationship.

I AM that narcissistic. Why?

I have so many excuses and things to blame LOL.

First, I grew up religious and told to put everything and everyone else ahead of me. (that is a grandiose exaggeration) BUT? Especially God ahead of everything (that was death worthy). I always tried to put others first and it always ended up in hurt. Church? Friends? School? I was hurt nearly every time I put others first.

Secondly? I grew up fat and largely ignored by my peers. I also grew up with a vibrant sexuality that was fueled by looking at what little porn I could get my hands on (not the days of internet). I ached to be looked at. I longed to be desirable.

Those two things alone can lead to a narcissistic personality for someone, right?

At least for someone who goes through a huge bodily transformation and uses it to jump start the process of breaking religious ties? Just maybe?

Maybe I have no energy left for anyone but me? Maybe I still spent so much of the past focused on me, even those who also want to focus on me. haven’t been allowed in? And it made them want out.

Maybe calling it MY relationship in the presence of him is my minds way of distancing myself from feeling whatever emotion is attached.

However, maybe having ANY relationship is a step. Even if I call it MY relationship.

I told him he is so good for MY relationship. And he is. But it’s HIS relationship as well.

So what am I holding back? What am I trying not to feel, mentally? This is so confusing.

How can such a casual comment make my mind whirl?

It’s not bad. Thinking about all of this is good for me.

 

 

 

 

You Can Call Me….

I’ve always had a thing for role playing. This is similar but with a narcissistic, cunty edge.

I’ve blogged about being back seeing my ex. I don’t make that public on Facebook or to my family, etc. (except I post my blog to Facebook so a few people do catch it) Him and I agreed to keep it quiet. We have our reasons. And for the most part we are keeping our reunion on the down low.

I’m pretty sure he is concerned about his living situation or maybe work if he were to make it known who he is with. Things he said about me when we were apart make it difficult for him to justify coming back to me. My own actions make that difficult. I understand his position.

So he let’s everyone think he is dating a girl he met on a dating site. I’ve seen her pic. It is someone he actually met. I know her name.

It’s all okay with me for the most part. We both dated and met people while apart. Because we want to keep things under the radar for now it seems realistic that he would allow them to believe he is still dating her.

But there is this tiny little bug of jealousy. I’m not jealous of the idea of him being with her. I’m jealous that since he has been seeing me? He gets his laundry done, packed lunches, etc…  and she is getting my fucking credit. LOL

I do that! I make his lunch. I wake up each morning and make him coffee. I make sure his clothes get washed. He does a lot for me in return but that is not the point at the moment. She is being seen as the ‘woman behind the man’ right now. And I guarantee if he was actually with her? She wouldn’t be packing his lunch.

So last night I did something I have never done. It was kind of a role play. In my head I figured if she is getting my credit? Then he can call her name while fucking me. And I made him do that.

Is that twisted?

I won’t lie, I found it a bit hot. He was totally uncomfortable with it which sort of made me more hot about it. I felt in control. I felt like I could at least take back that part that was bugging me by making him face it during sex.

Yes. That’s kinda twisted I suppose.

I felt better about the situation after. I no longer care they think I am her.

But I’m interested to see how long it takes for him to be able to get real with the people around him.

Can We Change?

When my relationship ended I was ready to say never again. I can’t tolerate violence against me, in word or action.

However. There are two things that prevented me from saying never.

First? I’ve always taken the widely opposed stance it does not matter if you are male or female, if you act aggressively enough toward someone that their only recourse is to stop you physically? You can and should be stopped.

I know my own actions the day my relationship broke apart. I stand by not deserving to be hit. However, I WAS out of control, in his face and unable to be stopped. I pushed first. His choice of how to subdue me was not the best. And it ended us.

But, secondly? I’ve always believed people change. I don’t believe people are defined by their worst moments. I certainly hope I’m not.

I was alone a while back. I felt desperately alone. The kind that makes me dangerous to myself. I sat there realizing the only people in my contact list are bad dates and people who wouldn’t really care about what I was going through or why.

So I messaged him.

He came. He got me through that moment. Because regardless of what happened? Regardless that I told him never to contact me again (which he was respecting)? He knew I was in crisis so he came to make sure I would be alright.

That was weeks ago now. He’s been around to make sure I am okay. I’ve learned some things.

First? He’s better without me.

I never realized how much our co-dependence was holding him back. He has a great job that he loves with a boss he really appreciates and is appreciated by. He has opportunity to advance. He bought a car. A beater, but it gets him distances his motorized bike won’t. He’s been working on his health and he’s looking so healthy (code: sexy). He has savings and credit. He’s doing just fine without me.

Second? Forgiveness lies within him.

He reads my blog. He’s stumbled across some emails. I’ve been truthful about my escapades while we have been apart. While I thought he would judge me for that? He stuck around to help me and take care of me because he knows the truth and he’s dealing with it. Without making me feel badly about it.

So here’s the kicker. I DO feel badly. When we started spending time together? I had just shut down my POF but I was still seeing some of the guys I met. He knew. He had his own profile and dates set up. We were both cool about it.

As we spent more time together? We decided to make an effort to work on US. That meant we would only be having sex with each other.

I told him I would still be talking to other people but that I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else. And that I would tell him about my chatting.

I took that too far. I was emailing back n forth with someone like I was going to meet them.  I didn’t tell him about them. The emails were seen. Arguments were had.

Seems as though I am the one who can’t change. I always take things too far and fuck up a good thing that would be happening.  All he asked is that I tell him about guys I am chatting with and I didn’t. A fool. That’s me.

Some people can change though. He went for a drive. We texted back n forth. And it ended with him asking if he could come back instead of telling me he is leaving. There was no name calling or shaming.

There was disappointment and he was sad. He knew I didn’t cross that line of meeting, it was just emails. Even still? It hurt him.

He wanted to be here anyway.

THAT is change.

Without him trying to make me feel bad? I still felt awful. He was so hurt that I was dishonest. He came back and told me I was important enough to try and work on this. I feel like such an idiot. He’s been so good to me since we’ve been spending time together. He is taking care of me in every way. He asks nothing in return.

So, can I change? His complete turnabout makes me want to. Any desire to chat up other men drained when he came back here and told me things would be okay. No chastising. He just loved me and tried to make me feel better all weekend.

Why do I want to be a better woman to him? We have ten years of history that have epic tales of adventure and mishap. We’ve been through hellfire and back together. We have a friendship that goes so far beyond our ‘relationship’. We don’t want to let go of that.

But trust needs to be earned now. He can’t trust me. I understand why. I’m okay with having to prove that to him. I will. It only requires me being honest with him about things I have always held back. And the more I am honest? The more he seems so caring and endeared to me.

He is trying to understand me and why I have held back from him before. He is cautious but caring. I think after some time apart where we each grew in our own selves and made changes for our own positive well being? We are in a place where we can grow together. We can change together in a more positive, understanding way.

Some say people can’t/don’t change. I think the best part of life is our ability to change.

 

 

 

My Teddy Bear

The great thing about dating several men, or having friends with benefits, is you can have all your needs met.

For example? Pussy Pro comes over, eats and fingers me while he is jerking off and then cums on me wherever he wants. It’s a certain kind of relationship that will only ever be that. I have another friend who likes to talk to me about all my dirty escapades. He likes the details and calls me his good lil’ slut. Good whore. I like to talk super trashy with him and I have plans to do very very sick things with him when he returns from his training stuff.

Then there is my Teddy Bear. He puts the ‘friends’ in friends with benefits. We met once while I was on another date and he happened to be in the same park. I knew I wanted to hang out with him again. He came to my place and hung out with me while I had a friend here so we had the chance to spend time together without the pressure of sex.

Last night? He came over to hang out with our first chance at privacy.

We both knew where the night was going to go. Still, we spent quite a bit of time listening to music, watching some comedy and talking about every subject imaginable. We have a connection. Same twisted humour, same views on sexuality. He reads my blog and knows he isn’t the only guy in my life. It’s fine because his situation is an open relationship. He doesn’t have a sense of jealousy about my other fun times. We talk very candidly about all of that. He told me establishing the intimacy is important to him. Sex gets better if you really know your partner.

So? He’s my intimacy guy. When I need someone to just come over, listen to me blabber on about things that probably bore them and then have really good sex? (yes, it was really good sex) He’s the one.

I really enjoy his company. He’s built like a football player so I feel really tiny in his arms. We laugh at the same things. Like the same movies/music.  And he’s quick to just put his arms around me and keep them there. Thus, my Teddy Bear.

Variety is bliss! Now… time to get ready for my date today LOL

RIP POF

I decided to take down my dating profile.

It was fun while it’s been there. I have met some really nice people to talk to who don’t seem to have any real ambition to meet. Some people I’ve met and it’s been, well, fun blog fodder. Some are just total creepers asking bizarre questions of someone for a first message. Like, “If we go for a walk on the beach when we meet can I smell your feet after?” (Personally? “Hello” works better with me)

However in all of the hullabaloo that has been my current dating life I have met some pretty cool people. One wasn’t from my dating profile, just a local who is currently out of town but wants to meet when he gets back from his training thing.

The guys I’ve met online that I think are the best? Are the guys that pester me to meet them even if I’ve put them off (anxiety means I cancel). We meet, don’t have sex or even really fool around but they let me know they read my blog, get who I am or where I’m at. They just want to keep knowing me. They hope it means they will get into my panties.

It’s the select few I’ve laughed with that I want to keep around. A few guys stopped a few minutes to say hi as they were passing through my hood. Last minute they asked if they could pop in to put a face to the online conversations. Some others spent hours here. Visiting not only me but other people in my life and there was no pressure to ‘get me alone’.

Altogether, I’ve met a few. Might even call it a roster! But they are aware of the situation and still made the effort to make a friendship first. They all want to be with me and I am sexually attracted to all of them. Connection happened when they put friendship before box.

I think I have found a sufficient number of friends with benefits! I’m looking forward to having these really cool guys around in my life to spend time and have amazing fuck sessions with. I’m sure they will all let me tell stories and most have offered to be cameramen for me. But it will be more than that, too! Exactly what I needed.

Time to ditch the crazy of the online first dates for the comfort of being with familiar. That was a quick process. I’m glad!

Stealing My Outlet

I have six posts waiting in the drafts of my blog. I haven’t been posting as much as I want. Why?

When my ex was contacting me for a while there? Facebook got blocked. He switched to texting and email. I answered his messages but always ended with, “Please stop.”, “Please leave me alone.” .

I justified some of the contact. He had to give me his new phone number so when people called about his medical appointments I had something to give them. His health is not something I will fuck with. He is sick. So I thanked him for the update. Which engaged him in a short conversation where I had to remind him again I want no contact. None. NO CONTACT.

He was responding anonymously to my blog and I had to remove some of his comments. I reminded him no contact means no contact. He messaged my friend. I reminded him no contact means even through my friends.

And it stopped for a bit. Until he found my dating profile. He responded to it with his own on the dating site. I reminded him no contact was no contact. He responded to my blogs about some of those dates and situations. I asked him again to leave me alone.

His latest tactic. He started his own blog. And he followed mine with his so I know it is there.  I have never read his. I’m trying desperately to move on. I don’t need to know about his innermost thoughts anymore and I am not sure why he is so obsessed with torturing himself with mine.

What this means though? Every time I write a post that he even likes? His face will come through my notifications.  He doesn’t even have to contact me now to be in my face.

I don’t want him to like my stuff. I don’t want his face in front of me all the time. And I feel like he did that purposely. I feel like he is stealing my outlet because I don’t want to write for him to read anymore. And I could block him but he’d just go back to anonymous anyway.

I’m not angry. I’m not scared of him. I’m just so tired of this already. And I feel like I am losing my place to have my voice heard. And that scares me. I can’t lose this.