My Teddy Bear

The great thing about dating several men, or having friends with benefits, is you can have all your needs met.

For example? Pussy Pro comes over, eats and fingers me while he is jerking off and then cums on me wherever he wants. It’s a certain kind of relationship that will only ever be that. I have another friend who likes to talk to me about all my dirty escapades. He likes the details and calls me his good lil’ slut. Good whore. I like to talk super trashy with him and I have plans to do very very sick things with him when he returns from his training stuff.

Then there is my Teddy Bear. He puts the ‘friends’ in friends with benefits. We met once while I was on another date and he happened to be in the same park. I knew I wanted to hang out with him again. He came to my place and hung out with me while I had a friend here so we had the chance to spend time together without the pressure of sex.

Last night? He came over to hang out with our first chance at privacy.

We both knew where the night was going to go. Still, we spent quite a bit of time listening to music, watching some comedy and talking about every subject imaginable. We have a connection. Same twisted humour, same views on sexuality. He reads my blog and knows he isn’t the only guy in my life. It’s fine because his situation is an open relationship. He doesn’t have a sense of jealousy about my other fun times. We talk very candidly about all of that. He told me establishing the intimacy is important to him. Sex gets better if you really know your partner.

So? He’s my intimacy guy. When I need someone to just come over, listen to me blabber on about things that probably bore them and then have really good sex? (yes, it was really good sex) He’s the one.

I really enjoy his company. He’s built like a football player so I feel really tiny in his arms. We laugh at the same things. Like the same movies/music.  And he’s quick to just put his arms around me and keep them there. Thus, my Teddy Bear.

Variety is bliss! Now… time to get ready for my date today LOL


I decided to take down my dating profile.

It was fun while it’s been there. I have met some really nice people to talk to who don’t seem to have any real ambition to meet. Some people I’ve met and it’s been, well, fun blog fodder. Some are just total creepers asking bizarre questions of someone for a first message. Like, “If we go for a walk on the beach when we meet can I smell your feet after?” (Personally? “Hello” works better with me)

However in all of the hullabaloo that has been my current dating life I have met some pretty cool people. One wasn’t from my dating profile, just a local who is currently out of town but wants to meet when he gets back from his training thing.

The guys I’ve met online that I think are the best? Are the guys that pester me to meet them even if I’ve put them off (anxiety means I cancel). We meet, don’t have sex or even really fool around but they let me know they read my blog, get who I am or where I’m at. They just want to keep knowing me. They hope it means they will get into my panties.

It’s the select few I’ve laughed with that I want to keep around. A few guys stopped a few minutes to say hi as they were passing through my hood. Last minute they asked if they could pop in to put a face to the online conversations. Some others spent hours here. Visiting not only me but other people in my life and there was no pressure to ‘get me alone’.

Altogether, I’ve met a few. Might even call it a roster! But they are aware of the situation and still made the effort to make a friendship first. They all want to be with me and I am sexually attracted to all of them. Connection happened when they put friendship before box.

I think I have found a sufficient number of friends with benefits! I’m looking forward to having these really cool guys around in my life to spend time and have amazing fuck sessions with. I’m sure they will all let me tell stories and most have offered to be cameramen for me. But it will be more than that, too! Exactly what I needed.

Time to ditch the crazy of the online first dates for the comfort of being with familiar. That was a quick process. I’m glad!

Stealing My Outlet

I have six posts waiting in the drafts of my blog. I haven’t been posting as much as I want. Why?

When my ex was contacting me for a while there? Facebook got blocked. He switched to texting and email. I answered his messages but always ended with, “Please stop.”, “Please leave me alone.” .

I justified some of the contact. He had to give me his new phone number so when people called about his medical appointments I had something to give them. His health is not something I will fuck with. He is sick. So I thanked him for the update. Which engaged him in a short conversation where I had to remind him again I want no contact. None. NO CONTACT.

He was responding anonymously to my blog and I had to remove some of his comments. I reminded him no contact means no contact. He messaged my friend. I reminded him no contact means even through my friends.

And it stopped for a bit. Until he found my dating profile. He responded to it with his own on the dating site. I reminded him no contact was no contact. He responded to my blogs about some of those dates and situations. I asked him again to leave me alone.

His latest tactic. He started his own blog. And he followed mine with his so I know it is there.  I have never read his. I’m trying desperately to move on. I don’t need to know about his innermost thoughts anymore and I am not sure why he is so obsessed with torturing himself with mine.

What this means though? Every time I write a post that he even likes? His face will come through my notifications.  He doesn’t even have to contact me now to be in my face.

I don’t want him to like my stuff. I don’t want his face in front of me all the time. And I feel like he did that purposely. I feel like he is stealing my outlet because I don’t want to write for him to read anymore. And I could block him but he’d just go back to anonymous anyway.

I’m not angry. I’m not scared of him. I’m just so tired of this already. And I feel like I am losing my place to have my voice heard. And that scares me. I can’t lose this.

First Dates

UGH! Like really? Ugh.

I joined an online dating site. I’ve met three guys with three VERY different experiences.

I have to laugh about it all. It’s been more than 8 years since I have been on a dating site. I was hoping the people and situations were different… but they aren’t. Guys try to sound all up n up but most of them are really looking for a hook up. Truly nice guys find me a bit too ghetto.

I needed to get laid. Out of three dates? I got it. Once.

So here we go…

One guy? The really nice one? ‘namesrhard’ (a version of his online name) We walked along the beach for about an hour, stopped to sit on the bench and talk for a while. He came back to my place for a drink before he had to go pick up his little girl. We laughed and it was pleasant. But he has a daughter and I am not looking to be a step-parent. I knew it wouldn’t be a romantic connection. I messaged him after and thanked him for a nice afternoon and said if he ever wanted to go for a hike we could as friends. He got back and told me it was awesome to meet me but that without a romantic connection it wasn’t gonna happen. Cool. I like straightforward.

One guy? He came across as wanting to know more about my adventures of coming to BC from Alberta. I was thinking it would just be conversation because he was younger and a bit more ‘hippy’ than I even am. When we met? He was obviously into having sex. A fuck n chuck situation though. And also informed me he has the herps and doesn’t like condoms. Are you fucking kidding me? When we ended the date WITHOUT a fuck? He acted like it was because I believe the earth is round. Oh yeah. We spent most of our beach walk with him explaining to me in a condescending tone that the earth is flat and science is a hoax.

The date I got laid? Really nice guy as well. Picked me up and we went for a drive and had a drink by the beach. Found we had a connection but because he lives so far away? Probably not a relationship thing. However? Would I like to go back to his place so we could have some wine together? Done deal.

LMAO Sounds like that worked out great, right? Well, I did get laid. He has a nice place and he is a clean guy. Sexually responsible. I like that.

But when a guy is about to enter you and decides at that moment to let his inner pervert out without warning? It can startle you. When he whispers in your ear, “Have you had your first period yet lil girl? I want to make you pregnant and take care of you, okay?”

What the fuck? LOL I just went with it. Everyone has there own weird fantasies. And he was acting it out with a 42 yr old not a 12 yr old so that is some credit, I guess. But it caught me off guard. Shouldn’t something like that be talked about before role played by surprise?

He did fuck me every way imaginable. I got off a couple times for sure. I needed that!

So. First dates. I am now remembering why I hate dating LOL


Romantic Comedies

Everyone deals with a break-up in their own way.  My way changes, depending on the situation.

After an abusive relationship in Winnipeg I determined not to be with anyone seriously again ever. I was bitter. Angry. Spent a lot of time alone and depressed. That’s when I started dabbling in meth.

Then I met someone. I fought that situation for a bit before falling  for him.  But I did him wrong by being a drug addict. I left that situation bitter, again. Only at myself that time. Why did I get into anything in the first place? I knew I didn’t want to do relationships because, in my mind, they sucked. Now I especially knew I sucked at them because I couldn’t even be good to someone who was good to me. I dealt with that one by getting off meth and running half way across the country with a friend. I determined to be single and planted myself in the forest to help facilitate that.

Fell in love with my friend. Had five fantastic  years. Yep. Even though they had their moment of problems and ended kinda traumatic? They were some of the best years of my life. And I learned a lot about what real love looks like.

So how am I dealing with this break-up?  Well, my drinking has actually cut back. Not to nothing but less that I thought it would be. I planted some new things in my garden to remind me life continues and new things grow all the time.

And I am watching copious amounts of romantic comedies. I had to ponder why. Was I looking to depress myself?

I think I figured it out today while watching How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.

I’m not angry. I’m sad about it. Especially that how it ended means no friendship. But I’m not bitter. They were some great years with fucking amazing adventures and the hottest sex of my life. Why be angry?

And the rom com’s? Well, they are light-hearted fodder for while I am puttering around my place. Background noise while I write. And just a gentle reminder that love does actually happen out there. I’m not looking for it. But I’m no longer bitter. Taking that forward in life is a positive step.


At first I was afraid.

He left in violence and anger. I was scared he would come back with it. And he didn’t. I give him credit. Because he IS angry. It’s probably hard for him not to show up. But he promised he wouldn’t and he is respecting that.

The thing is he is still texting both me and my friend. We have a bet that if the ex texts before 9am? I owe my pal breakie. I keep thinking my ex will finally drop it so I take the bet. But sure enough? By 9am? Texts rants. And I am buying breakfast.

My responses simply say to stop texting. Please. ‘If you don’t stop we will need to involve police’ (something I really DON’T want to do). And still the texts. Rampaging rants (some have been posted in other posts).

But he hasn’t come here. I am no longer afraid. His petulant texts when I ask him to quit? Now they amuse me.

His rants are epic. I haven’t come close to posting them all, and I will probably stop now that I am not afraid! He’s gone so over the top that I am amused.

Does that make me bad? He’s obviously in crisis. Mentally. If I was in the same position? I would want care.

But when it comes to the one who punched me and then dropped his suicide bag off at my door? I’m more amused by his crisis from getting his just desserts.

Yep. I AM just a narcissistic, selfish cunt. I suppose.

But a smiling (amused) one!

The Reason I Got Hit

In case you don’t get to read my comments?

You got slapped becUse you ignored me, made me feel like garbage for months. Treated me like an unwelcome guest. Stole any money i brought home. Continued to lie and cheat and drink. Continued to break promises and over all acted like an entitle cunt.
You only wanted to kick me out when you left me flat broke with no food. Notice the momment I had money i fucking left your lying ass.


Online? I corrected slap to punch. And thanked him for his comment.

Offline? I sent him yet another message reminding him I asked for no contact and that means even through my blog. But, really, thank you for admitting online you assaulted me. Will help with the peace bond.

I can’t believe I am going through this abuse shit AGAIN in my life. You’d think I would have learned the first time I got hit by someone. How to pick better?

I never pegged him to be this way when we were friends and decided to leave Winnipeg together.

I feel foolish. I saw signs on the drive to Alberta. Signs in the forest. Signs in Grande Prairie. Signs on the walk here. Anger. So much anger.

I should have let him go long ago. The first time I saw evidence? The time I left the forest with his mom because he put a gun to our heads?  I DIDN’T want to go back then. His mom wanted to see if he was dead. He wasn’t and he made promises things like that would never happen again.

Punches are not guns. But constant verbal and psychological abuse? I’m not some kind of SJW calling for a safe space but, really, MY home is my safe space. I invited him back and he abused my kindness.

I get to be safe here. That meant making him go.

Now that I have threatened him with a peace bond? He has switched to trying to text and message Jeff. Again.

Wow  you are a worthless piece of shit alcoholic jerkoff

Im happy you are stuck with a crack whore. You two are perfect for each other.
You deserve each otherb

Its hilarious that she is using you are you’re too retarded to see it. Makes me laugh.

Your insults are meaningless because they come from an retard drunk.

Have a good life.

What part of she has been lying to US don’t you understand. Do you think she would tell you how she made me feel like an unwelcome guest in her home. Or how she stole my bank card every payday and left me broke so I couldn’t leave?
Or how when she drinks she lies, pathologically.

Another thing you two don’t get is I’m sober. I remember every little thing she did to make me feel like garbage while telling me she loved me.

You simply have your head up your ass if you think enabling an alcoholic on disability with severe mental health issues is smart then you are even more of a retard than i give you credit for.

I aint blaming you like she seems to think. I am questioning how you can believe you are helping while destroying he mental health with booze.

Those are three texts strung together. It’s like an obsession I am beginning to worry about.  And I think that is why I am posting about his stuff he is saying. Not to denigrate him but because I need it to be public to feel safe. I am alone a lot. His constant barrage of hate and vitriol? It’s scary.

Ladies Night!~

Oh it was Ladies Night and what a night. Yeah, the feeling’s right, oh what a night! …. (insert music?)

the sign

Truthfully? I don’t do crowds at all. I invited people because I wanted to meet people. And then I had severe anxiety until they showed up LOL

It started with just me in my yard, burning my ex’s letters as fire starter.

letter burning

Then one person showed, and another. A few neighbours later? It was a nice, neighbourly bonfire.


One awesome lady made sure there was no chick party that didn’t have a thirsty beaver involved! Brought in a goodie bag with epic abs on the cover. (she doesn’t even drink but brought all the shots? …gotta love a lady so generous)

The fire/party happened. As things were getting close to the time I said it would be over? We all decided to just  keep it going and open it up to the gents from our mutual Facebook group that had been teasing all day if they needed to pre-dial the cops.

Neighbours joined in. Then the invited peeps left and it got weird.

While I am okay with neighbours and who they are? I have a hard time saying no to anyone.

After everyone left? I ended up with my one neighbour in my house (hot mom), drinking everything she could get her hands on without even asking (felt a little similar to her daughter the other night LOL).

Another neighbour showed up and, well, she’s just a loud talker. It was SO loud that security came to try and quiet it. But Dena? She works here. She was the one being so loud security came.

When they knocked? This 50+ year old woman tried to hide in my bed. What the fucking fuck? My windows and curtains are WIDE open! Who the fuck did she think she was fooling? And really? Grow up. You were being so loud I wanted you gone anyway. Park security only helped remove you because you weren’t doing it when I asked.

Hot mom? She ended up here the longest…. we took a few pics. Got a bit sexy but she is so straight and a lush. I get boobs for beers with her. Unfulfilled sexual situations but the permission to blog about her in any light I see fit.

lils tits

Just imagine the beautiful nipples under MY t-shirt there. Yes, I had her semi naked and then she wanted to pose with a shirt on and I lost a shirt in the process.

Why? Well? She drank all my booze and tried to pass out on my couch as we talked and took pics. It felt a bit familiar to her daughter. Not my thing. And I figured mom would be better at foreplay. Not so much. She got woken up and sent home in my t-shirt.

Overall? I really enjoyed the beginning of the night. The meeting new women, having a fire and general comradery.  I could’ve skipped the noise issue and trying to get a very drunk woman out of my trailer to walk two doors down.

Ladies Night? Awesome ladies but I’ll be attending, not hosting, going forward.



Dear Jeff (ALL You Wanna Know About Shaunda)

So. My friend and I went to drop off the last of my ex’s belongings. He violated the agreed upon situation, showed up at the window, got his things.

As he cycled away? Jeff and I each got this text….

You need to know that shaunda has been using you for access to booze. She told me how she was/is using you, how she doesn’t even like you as a person and thinks you are a pathetic joke.
She has mental health issues you are making her worse by providing booze/drugs.
Shaunda will lie, steal, cheat and hurt anyone in her way of booze and drugs, including herself, me and you.
While you enable her? She is dangerously suicidal and self detructive and She has no interest in sober me. She needs to stay drunk to not face hurting me.
For me this is exactly the same as she was with Ken, who also provided her with booze. And cock. Yeah she will let you fuck her and play with her pussy anytime she has drugs and booze. If you haven’t taken advantage id be very surprised. Offer to take pictures, she will strip for you. Then you can fuck her. You jerk off piece of shit.
So if breaking us up was your goal, good job. You win. I wont deal with drunks feeding off each other while I am sick and dying.
What I don’t get is what you are getting from her? Not sure I want to know. You told me you could tell she loved me VERY much. Why would you get between us?
She must have gone back to meth and crack.  Unless you are giving her that too? Did you know I got her clean of that!? Yeah she is a recovering junkie as well as an alcoholic.
Last month she spent 2300 in less than a week. Leaving us broke. Where did it go!? She must be an active addict. Its the only explanation.
STOP ENABLING HER you stupid cunt! Unless you don’t care about hurting people. Booze is killing her and is destroying her mental health.
You are enabling her and it ruined our relationship.
I hope you are happy. You think you are helping her?? You are killing her. You retard.
If you don’t think so she is lying to you and you are lying to yourself. Ive known her for almost ten years. She needs to be with sober people.
People who enable recovering addicts should be jailed. You have caused so much harm to two people. Broke us up and ruined a beautiful friendship.
You cunt.
You are such a drunk you have no idea what you have done. You ignorant mother fucker.
She isn’t in control. You are taking advantage of each other.
That you never got a clue when I wouldn’t spend time with you while you both were drinking is pathetic. Who the fuck do you think you are!?
Every single time she saw you, we would fight. Because the booze. Her seeing you meant a fight and she was always looking for excuses to see you.
Its pathetic that you think you are such a good guy. You are a piece of shit. You ruined me. You ruined her. I hope you die in a major car crash you drunk driving idiot.
Fuck you. Clueless piece of shit home wrecker asshole.
Regardless of what Shaunda tells you, its the drunk shaunda you have been dealing with. Not her true self. I’ve fallen in love with sober Shaunda. You stole her.
This isn’t anger. I simply couldn’t think any less of you. You disrespected me beyond reproach. You are destroying her. She isn’t capable of saying no to booze. So you should step up and do the right thing. Stop lending her money for booze, stop driving her for booze, stop drinking around her. But you wont. You SHOULD walk the fuck away. But you wont because you are a stupid fuck. I Hope we never meet again.
Dont forget, she lies, all the time, about everything. Its why she hangs out with drunk idiots like you. You’re to stupid to catch the lies. Too much of a loser to know she is a mentally ill alcoholic who wants to self destruct with booze and you are helping that. Good on ya.
Jerk off Jeff.
This is unedited. There are a lot of accusations and half truths. He’s not ALL wrong. But he’s so far from right. And it’s because he thinks all of this? I got punched.

So let him have his own reality. Every story has three sides. His, mine and the correct one.

Tonight? I’ll be doing meth and Jeff, apparently….  (just kidding, I’m watching Gilmore Girls).

Why Didn’t He Drive By?

Mt ex asked me not to talk about him. I agreed not to name him and make anything a general reference.

He then sent me an email with subject line ‘blog fodder’. And he has since posted so much crap about me on Facebook. Saying I cheated on him with a friend, Jeff (not true). Telling everyone in my community I am back on hard drugs. Also NOT true but because I need to find housing and prove myself in a small community? I am now going for drug testing to show I am not the person my ex says I am.

I made arrangements to deliver his things to him (yes, deliver). We had an arrangement that he would meet my friend in a parking lot at a specific time. My friend brought me to the labyrinth, in the same area,  to walk it. It was New Moon and I wanted the peace while my friend helped take care of things.

Instead? Because my ex was biking by and recognized the truck? I guess. I don’t know. He stopped there to get his stuff.

He glared at me through the window. He shouted his animosity and curse words as he took off. His suspicions. His anger, still.

But the thing is? We had an agreement that we would have no contact. I mean, he did hit me and I AM scared of him. Even if he saw my friend’s truck? Why stop at my window to glare, intimidate or whatever?

There was an agreed arrangement. All I wanted was to walk the labyrinth while my friend dropped of my ex’s stuff.

It ruined my morning. I sobbed for an hour before I could even walk. Why would he approach me? Why? It was ten fucking minutes until my friend was going to meet him at the designated spot. Why did he do that to me?

After the ex peddled off on his bike and we drove off in the truck? I shook like a leaf. I got all bi-polar crazy and made my friend drive away and hide me from that parking lot, even though I wanted to go back and walk the labyrinth for some peace. I was shook.

Then both my friend and I got a text.

Since I haven’t been responding to the blame game? The blame shifted. To my friend. My ex ranted on him about being my friend. Made wild accusations. His email will be it’s own blog.

So. Why didn’t he just drive by?