Ashamed

Yep, I’ve been seeing my ex. He stays with me most of the time. We still have some things to work on but we are working on them. We have a lot of things that were issues between us before that we have resolved. However, there are some things that linger.

This morning as he left he mentioned a lil’ anecdote. His boss’s wife came outside the other morning while he was waiting around to get going. She mentioned she heard he had a new girlfriend. He told her ‘sort of’.

Her reply? “As long as it’s not that Shaunda girl.”

When he told me the words kind of struck me. ‘As long as it’s not me?’ And it made me cry. It felt hurtful. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about that woman in our community. I have only ever said kind things about her and been grateful she helped my ex when he needed.

Who the fuck is she to say anything like, ‘as long as it’s not Shaunda’?

He felt bad for upsetting me on his way out the door. His attempt at reassurance? “It’s only because she has read your blog.” I think he meant it to be humorous and I reacted poorly by crying more.

First off? I call bullshit on that. He worked for her husband at the time him and I split. I am sure she knows all the nasty things he said (hard drug addicted, cheating whore) in addition to my blog. She’s heard a more of his side than he lets on. That’s fine. Just, let’s be real.

Secondly, how does reading my blog give anyone the right to judge me? Do they think they are better than me because I embrace my sexuality? Because I admit my failures like alcoholism? Because I have mental health issues that make me ‘difficult’?

I struggled all day with why that quick conversation made me feel so much pain.

We all fail sometimes. Not one person is perfect. I have spent a long time overcoming shame. I meet people who read my blog and they think it is awesome I can be this open. My therapist thinks my sharing everything so ‘raw’ is what is helping overcome things like religious abuse and other life trauma.

I was so angry and hurt about her comment. I dwelled on it a lot. However, I realize now it was because I needed to understand the source of the pain.

I’ve given up  being ashamed of who I am. I am not interested in people who judge me. I’ve been letting judgement roll off me back. So WHY was I letting this stranger’s comment get to me?

I was comedic when I alluded to it in You Can Call Me.

It took me a while to determine it today because I don’t want to admit this. I told my BF I would give him time for us to figure things out. I also want to have time to figure shit out.

But when he told me about it he laughed their conversation off. He assured her it wasn’t me. I’m still a dirty secret.

It’s beginning to bother me a lot that some other woman is getting credit for the dinners he takes pictures of. She’s the reason he has lunches and clean clothes and a place to stay. As long as it’s not Shaunda.

And it bothers me that for all the times I have been called a liar? I’m not worth being honest about.

So why doesn’t he admit it? I went over and over that today. We decided to keep this quiet (even though I put it in my blog). There is judgement from both sides but when I have been asked about him? I admit we are working on things.

Why doesn’t he admit to me? He is ashamed of me.

He’s mentioned before that my sexual escapades while we were apart made him feel like a chump. He said a lot of things about me while we were apart. Maybe he’s ashamed to go back to ‘that’ girl.

When it comes to his boss’ wife? He says she has read my blog. That means he cares what they know, what they have seen and what they think. I don’t.

I gave up allowing people to judge me. I’ve worked on letting go of that for over a year now and I have been doing well.

*UPDATE: it’s been four days since I started this blog and I still can’t describe what I am feeling correctly

I still have no idea how I feel about this. I’m not angry like I was when I heard it. I am not hurt or crying. I am simply trying to determine how and why this strangers comment, overheard by gossip, became such a menace to my thoughts.

And shame. I need to know how I feel about another person’s shame about me when I have fought so hard to overcome shame about myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You Can Call Me….

I’ve always had a thing for role playing. This is similar but with a narcissistic, cunty edge.

I’ve blogged about being back seeing my ex. I don’t make that public on Facebook or to my family, etc. (except I post my blog to Facebook so a few people do catch it) Him and I agreed to keep it quiet. We have our reasons. And for the most part we are keeping our reunion on the down low.

I’m pretty sure he is concerned about his living situation or maybe work if he were to make it known who he is with. Things he said about me when we were apart make it difficult for him to justify coming back to me. My own actions make that difficult. I understand his position.

So he let’s everyone think he is dating a girl he met on a dating site. I’ve seen her pic. It is someone he actually met. I know her name.

It’s all okay with me for the most part. We both dated and met people while apart. Because we want to keep things under the radar for now it seems realistic that he would allow them to believe he is still dating her.

But there is this tiny little bug of jealousy. I’m not jealous of the idea of him being with her. I’m jealous that since he has been seeing me? He gets his laundry done, packed lunches, etc…  and she is getting my fucking credit. LOL

I do that! I make his lunch. I wake up each morning and make him coffee. I make sure his clothes get washed. He does a lot for me in return but that is not the point at the moment. She is being seen as the ‘woman behind the man’ right now. And I guarantee if he was actually with her? She wouldn’t be packing his lunch.

So last night I did something I have never done. It was kind of a role play. In my head I figured if she is getting my credit? Then he can call her name while fucking me. And I made him do that.

Is that twisted?

I won’t lie, I found it a bit hot. He was totally uncomfortable with it which sort of made me more hot about it. I felt in control. I felt like I could at least take back that part that was bugging me by making him face it during sex.

Yes. That’s kinda twisted I suppose.

I felt better about the situation after. I no longer care they think I am her.

But I’m interested to see how long it takes for him to be able to get real with the people around him.

Stealing My Outlet

I have six posts waiting in the drafts of my blog. I haven’t been posting as much as I want. Why?

When my ex was contacting me for a while there? Facebook got blocked. He switched to texting and email. I answered his messages but always ended with, “Please stop.”, “Please leave me alone.” .

I justified some of the contact. He had to give me his new phone number so when people called about his medical appointments I had something to give them. His health is not something I will fuck with. He is sick. So I thanked him for the update. Which engaged him in a short conversation where I had to remind him again I want no contact. None. NO CONTACT.

He was responding anonymously to my blog and I had to remove some of his comments. I reminded him no contact means no contact. He messaged my friend. I reminded him no contact means even through my friends.

And it stopped for a bit. Until he found my dating profile. He responded to it with his own on the dating site. I reminded him no contact was no contact. He responded to my blogs about some of those dates and situations. I asked him again to leave me alone.

His latest tactic. He started his own blog. And he followed mine with his so I know it is there.  I have never read his. I’m trying desperately to move on. I don’t need to know about his innermost thoughts anymore and I am not sure why he is so obsessed with torturing himself with mine.

What this means though? Every time I write a post that he even likes? His face will come through my notifications.  He doesn’t even have to contact me now to be in my face.

I don’t want him to like my stuff. I don’t want his face in front of me all the time. And I feel like he did that purposely. I feel like he is stealing my outlet because I don’t want to write for him to read anymore. And I could block him but he’d just go back to anonymous anyway.

I’m not angry. I’m not scared of him. I’m just so tired of this already. And I feel like I am losing my place to have my voice heard. And that scares me. I can’t lose this.