Forced Change

There is a change I have tried over and over to make. Failed over and over to make. Want to make. Can’t seem to do it for more than a month or two at a time. Having been succumbing to it hard core for six months now.

Alcohol.

The thing is I have a lot of different issues because of my health stuff. I attribute minor symptoms to simple problems. Itchy skin? Allergies. Edema? Blood pressure and heart. Dark poop? I drink red wine. Dry mouth? I smoke pot. Stomach tenderness? I have been gaining a bit of weight so I figure the swollenness and tenderness was weight gain. Constant thirst? I get dehydrated from drinking so of course I am thirsty. Right?

My blood tests come back normal most of the time. So I haven’t put all the different things together. However, yesterday, I was told my last blood work showed some elevated something or other. My practitioner asked me some very detailed questions. Turns out all those little symptoms add up to a very big problem.

Liver disease.

They are ordering more tests. Blood work. A liver biopsy. Ultrasounds. Things that will confirm the suspicion and tell them how far along it is.

And, of course, I am supposed to stop drinking. But all I want to do when I get bad news is cover it up with wine.

I’m not sure how I am going to do this. I doubt I am even capable of quitting. The more I am forced to do something the more some internal part of me wants to reject it. Hell, I’m drinking wine as I write this. It’s 6am.

I know I can’t drink this away. I know I will need to make serious changes. Knowledge is not power in this situation. Knowledge is plaguing me and I am consciously making the wrong choice. Even if I do quit drinking today I might be so advanced it wouldn’t make a difference.

How do you deal with forced change? I’ve overcome other things before but always on my own terms. Quitting drinking because of a disease is in no way my own terms.

Today, after the wine wears off, I’m going to do more research about how to quit. I’m going to get in touch with the substance abuse counselor I was seeing the last time I quit for two months. I’m going to try to wait until next week when the tests are done before I go into full blown panic.

Forced change sucks.

Accidental Baiting

So. You’re a single alcoholic who’s trying to mingle. Not to meet a partner, just to meet people. Then…

You end up at some BBQ and an appropriately aged guy comes by to say hi. You’ve had barely a drink. Even though you are nervous you accept the conversation. Suddenly, you are so engaged that he is refilling your drinks at a more reasonable pace you are used to doing yourself. You’d rather talk about art or boating or whatever it is he is talking about . In three hours? You’ve had less than three drinks. You’ve had food as well. Tipsy but witty. He enjoys seeing you interact with everyone around you because you’re practically sober (compared to usual) and he asks to see you again.

Woo hoo! You wait all day for it. Because you are an alcoholic? You probably drink something in your coffee that morning. Maybe more. But you eat and nap so that by the time you get picked up? You are only a half glass of wine in.

At dinner? He orders a cocktail for appies, but soda for dinner. You had a glass of wine with appies and he offers another. Did he stop because he is driving? You have ONE more glass of wine and stretch it out until dessert. He orders a piece of something fancy, you order an Irish coffee.

The conversation? Similar schooling. Religious ideologies? All the same. Laughing at each others jokes, even the double en tendre types. Connection.

So? You’ve had three drinks to his one and you are still as sober as he is. You already have wine waiting at home. He’s the gentleman of the century, takes you for a drive and drops you off.

You run in the house and within an hour that wine is GONE!

You presented well on first meeting and first date. He’s kind and chivalrous. You connected. He wants to see you again.

At what point do you tell someone you’ve met, that you think is amazing and have a connection with, “I’m a alcoholic and as much fun as I am having with you? I don’t want to hurt anyone else with my own issues. So as much as I like you, and because I like you… walk away!”?

I just want to be honest with people. I don’t want to ‘bait’ someone with my sparkling personality while I am sober only for them to find out I drink more than they realize. And even though I have cut back and it is something I am working on? I never want to be with someone who will judge me for the issues I am already working on. Judgement makes it more difficult. I learned that.

So at what point do you get honest enough to tell someone who you think is cool, “By the way, I day drink more than  once a week.”?