Giving Notice

I love my home. But sometimes, even  when you love something, it is time to move on.

As a list maker, I am a big fan of the ‘pro/con’ list. As a person with OCD? I’ve made one about my living situation every couple days for a few months.

My pro/con lists aren’t lists. Each pro or con gets points. And they get added up to make a decision by point score.

I have so many pros and very few cons about staying. Pros? I like where I live. It works for me economically. The owner is so kind. Other neighbours have reached out to me more recently. I love my garden. I love the proximity to both ocean and forest.  Cons? It’s difficult for me to get to my doctor without pre-arranged rides that don’t always work out.  Only one bus a week. A couple neighbours continue to be of the bullying nature.

So why am I moving?

Pros about where I am moving include: I can walk to the town where my doctor appointments are. There is a convenience store on-site in case of emergencies. There isn’t a liquor store on site (that will help me with other things I am trying to accomplish in my life). My life won’t be as under scrutiny. Cons? A bit more pricey. I won’t know anyone and I am social phobic.

The pros for staying put have been outweighing anything for me for a long time. I LOVE where I live. However, very recently the pros about the other place were adding up with the cons about this one.

My health was the deciding factor. I can walk to my doctor from my new place. I secured the place yesterday verbally, gave my notice here today and I am moving November 1st.

It’s another RV park. Not nearly as beautiful as where I live. But it’s close to the things I need right now. And still close to the ocean. The management people there seem kind enough.

I am actually very sad about it though. As I type this? There are tears streaming down my face. When I told the owner he seemed so sad. We hugged and I know it is all good but that doesn’t stop me from grieving a lot of things.

He’s going to get the transfer papers for my trailer in order for me by the time I leave. He said he was sorry to lose me. I told him I was sorry to be going but that I thought it was time.

So? I’m moving. One door closes and a new adventure begins.

 

Heather’s Feathers

Heather’s feathers are angel wings.

When I first moved into the park I heard things about Heather. She got a bad rap in some ways. For example? A few too many energy drinks might affect her mood.

I was talking with another park tenant recently who referred to her as crazy.

So I stopped him short.

I reminded him that at any time of the month that he needs smokes or doesn’t have money to buy his own beer? He wanders up to Heather’s. And she either lends him a pack of smokes or offers him work in her yard to earn some beer or cash.

And? She does that for EVERYONE!

Heather isn’t rich. She’s on a similar income to the rest of the people around here and yet she manages to find ways to help every person around her every day. She has often helped me. I see a lot of people come and go through her yard who are working for a way to get through to their next pay. And she is ALWAYS willing to help in any way she can.

She is deeply passionate about people. She’ll tell you about your numbers or read your cards. She finds ways to connect you to other memories in her life. It could be you share a birthday with a relative of hers or you remind her of someone in her past… she makes connections.

Heather was there for me when I found out my dad died. I went to her door, saw she had company and left but she saw I was upset. Later that night she came over to find out what was wrong and was a source of comfort for me.

As all friends do? Her and I have had our tiffs. But Heather let’s things roll off her back. When you go and talk to her about anything that’s been a problem? It’s all open and accepted. Issue resolved with no bitterness.

Heather is an angel. If angels really exist. But if I had an idea of what angels should be? Heather would have angels wings!

Skank

While I was waiting for an important phone call, I walked up to a friends the other day. He has a cell phone booster and I needed to get the call.

I was worried about it. The call.  It was health/insurance related. So I sat there and visited on his porch. I drank wine while there.

But it ALL happened on the porch. No one’s clothes came off. All that went on was two friends visiting over some wine/beer. And frankly, I should not feel a need to defend anything I do. But I do.

Why?

On the way home, his neighbour (one of the people who bully me), called out to me from her yard.

SKANK! She called it loud enough for others to hear. I don’t like to think the worst. I said, “Pardon me?”, in case she wasn’t talking to me. But she responded. “You heard what I said.” Definitely directed at me.

I just went home. I know the  owner told me f I was bullied to call him. I couldn’t find his number and I am also not so petty that one word makes me call in recruits!

Skank!

It’s particularly funny because she is an ex-dancer.  By dancer, I mean stripper. She tries to be all noble about it. And I have never disrespected her because of her previous life. I have zero issues with people who use their sexuality to make money.

Yet? She has the gall to yell out at me from her yard that I am  a skank?

Skank!

I’m just letting it go today. The owner is in the park. I could go to his trailer and cry my blues. But I think I’m better off just rejecting the word.

I am better than the people who call me those words. I am NOT those words. I am a woman who is living life. I am sexual. I am damaged. I am sick. I am trying to recover. I am healing.

What I’m not? Skank!

 

Under Scrutiny

I live on a disability income. I worked a full time job plus two or three extras at any given time in my adult life before I became sick! I PAID for my social insurance.

Yet? Here I am. I was lucky to have great private insurance at my last job (they cover  60% of my previous income). I also get CPP (Canada Pension).

The insurance I worked for, paid into and receive each month? It accounts for more than two thirds of my monthly income. The part my country pays? I could never survive on.

Yesterday I got ‘the letter’. That one where your private insurance company decides you need to prove that you continue to be disabled. And if THEY don’t believe you? You’re cut off.

I lost that battle, once, a few years ago. A good lawyer and excellent doctor later, I was able to prove I am really sick and my insurance company should back off. They HAVE. Until now.

So, here I sit this moment, with a letter. It came yesterday.

I know I am sick. I know my new doctor has additional concerns about my health by the amount of tests he is sending me for. And I’m finally in a position I can get health help again. I’m working on it. So, I am 90% certain this review will not be an issue.

However, because they cut me off once years ago? Every time a review comes up I have severe anxiety for four months. That is how long I have to turn in my info, them to review it and a decision about my income is made.

I am trying very hard to subside my panic by reminding myself I’ve made through the last two without a problem. I close every letter I send about reviews with, “If you have any questions please refer them to my lawyer…  and he will address them.” (I figure he beat them last time so throwing his name down can’t hurt)

However? Until I get a decision I am going to be in full blown anxiety. What if January hits, my income is cut by 2/3’s and I can’t afford to live? In the middle of winter. How do I keep my mind off the concern and focused on moving forward in my healing until then? How do I plan for that possibility when I barely have an income to begin with?

I guess I don’t. I need to remind myself I have no control over this issue. The only thing I can do is send in the information, trust in my own truth and hope for the right outcome.

 

The Proverbs 31 Woman

The dad who raised me visited a few months ago. We were talking about women of the Bible. I mentioned to him my favorite woman in the Bible was the Proverbs 31 woman. He seemed sad for me.

The Proverbs 31 woman? It’s like the Christian version of a girl trying to be the Comso model.

 10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.

11  The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

12  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

13  She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.

14  She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.

15  She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.

16  She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

17  She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.

18  She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.

19  She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.

20  She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.

21  She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

22  She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23  Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.

24  She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.

25  Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

26  She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27  She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28  Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

29  “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”

30  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Shaunda interpreted:

10 A good woman is rare. 

11  The man who loves a good woman will always do good.

12  A good woman won’t hurt you if you are good to her. 

13  She works hard.

14  She goes and gets her family’s groceries.

15  She gets up early in the morning and makes breakfast for her house AND her servants.

16  She makes good investments.

17  She’s a hot bitch! She exercises and looks good.

18  She has her own side business, knows it’s a good one and works on it in every spare minute. 

19  She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. (Pretty sure that’s work related but not sure enough to interpret) 

20  She gives back and pays forward! 

21  She’s prepared. Probably has a bug out bag and a whole pantry of homemade preserved food.

22  Only the best 300+ count sheets for her. Oh, and she made them herself! She sheared the sheep, spun the thread and THEN made them. 

23  Her hubby is some rich, important dude. If it wasn’t the old testament you might say white privilege style.

24  Those sheets she made? She marketing them like Martha Stewart. 

25  She is strong and proud and not afraid of the future!

26  She is wise and kind whenever she speaks.

27  She takes cares of her house and isn’t lazy.

28  Everyone loves this woman! I mean, even her kids love her!

29  “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (I wish they’d say that about me)

30  You can be charming and lovely but only if you love God will you be praised.

Hold up. I do agree that charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.

But where in any of this previous writing does it say anything about her fear of the Lord? This woman is a hard-working, smoking hot lady who loves everyone around her and gives back in every way. But nothing said God until the end. Why is that even involved?

My dad made an entirely different point. Maybe why he got the sad look. And more the part I take to my heart.

She’s unattainable. Really, like a Christianity Kardashian. You can’t attain every quality she is. Runway models have SOME, Martha Stewart has SOME, the best stay at home moms have SOME. But no one can be this woman I’ve been kicking myself my whole life for not being.

.

The Kids

I love children.

It’s why I chose never to have them. I KNOW I am not full time capable of being responsible for those precious little lives.

They are so beautiful. I love them right around 2 yrs to about 6 yrs. So curious, learning everything, asking you about everything.

I remember my lil’ ‘niece’ I was babysitting in Alberta. I taught her about riding the bus. I don’t drive. So, if we went out when I was taking care of her? We walked up to the corner and took the bus. Also? She wanted to look pretty. She was such a princess. We did our hair together, she chose her clothes and we made sure she had make-up before going out (lip gloss and me pretending to put mascara on her)! My rascal. She’s the one girl who made me almost regret my ‘permanent’  solution to birth control.

Today? I got to spend time with children. A friend’s grand-kids are visiting.

What beautiful little children. When I came up to say hi? They remembered meeting me that last time they visited (months ago) and that I have a cat. They asked if I would bring my kitten to visit. They were so sweet I said, “Yes.” Who could resist?

They were so good and gentle. Sami hasn’t been around kids AND there were dogs around but, those kids were amazing with her. Slow and gentle they asked before they picked her up. They could see she was afraid of some of the unknown stuff going on so they asked if we could take her away from the road into the yard area.

Then? We sat in a circle. The youngest boy crawled in my lap, the oldest boy had Sami in his and the other two girls colored the mandalas I brought them with some pencil crayons I no longer had room for. I even have a picture drawn of me from the oldest girl as a keepsake 🙂

They took turns telling me their names and how old they are and about their own pets. They recently lost a kitty who ran away while camping. The boy holding Sami had tears when he was telling me. Libby was his kitty. And it was very recent. He really loved being able to hold Sami.

They range from 3 to 7 years old. They oldest had a speech impediment that meant I had to pay extra attention but I did my best. The youngest (2 or 3 yrs) spoke practically full sentences with a complex vocabulary.  But, fast, and still with a child’s tongue so I had to pay close attention to keep up with him as well. The girl’s were easier. They coloured and pet the cat and chatted occasionally.

They were polite. They all thanked me for the coloring book and pencil crayons and promised to share them. They waited without interrupting each other to talk to me. I can’t even manage that in my own conversations.

Afterwards? I got my sidewalk chalk and we drew pictures and wrote messages for grandpa all over his porch! I measured them all with their names written on one of the porch beams. I left them the chalk.  They all said thank you!

When I left I got hugs all around.

I feel full of that good, innocent, child energy right now. I really miss spending time with children. What a beautiful day!

Meth, Yep I Did That

Let’s talk about meth. I liked it. A lot.

I was introduced to it by a friend who had smoked crack with me previously. He knew I wasn’t into that anymore and asked if I wanted to try meth. OF COURSE I did! I have this manic, try anything once, personality~

Despite what people say? I didn’t find it nearly as addictive as crack. And, if you’re going to get addicted to a really bad hard drug? Meth is at least cheaper. How horrible a statement is that? But my crack addiction got up to hundreds a day and smoking meth really only ever cost me about $20/day . Well, when I was being conservative.  I was in a position to enjoy my ‘habit’.

But, like any hard drug? It runs you down quick. I found myself doing compromising things just to find meth. Like taking taxi’s into to dangerous places in the middle of the night. Or putting other people’s  situation’s in jeopardy for my own needs/wants. I’m not that kind of person, generally, but drugs turn you into someone you don’t want to be.

I knew I was on a dangerous path and wasn’t sure how to get off it.

Mojo was moving to the forest. He was my friend and I thought maybe I could go along. So he took me. He had no idea when we left that I was addicted to meth. That I CHOSE to follow him to the forest so I could find recovery. That my last hit off a meth pipe? Was the morning we left, in his cousin’s shower. He knows it all now. He was amazed I didn’t show any signs of withdrawal. Proud of me for how I handled my shit while I was going through that.

Like any other hard drug? I have no desire for it again. It’s been years. I learned the lessons I guess I was supposed to for making that stupid life choice. I hurt people. Used people. I have regrets. Any time you take on hard drugs you hurt people. Recovery means facing that.

I’m glad that is all in the past!

My Rebellions

Am I a rebel? Some people in my life might categorize me that way. I have a brother who does for sure. He called me a danger to society and told me I will never know his children. Maybe some of the people in my childhood think of me as rebellious for converting to paganism.

I think of myself as a quiet rebel. “Always in compliance, even in defiance!”

My first ‘rebellion’? I was about twelve years old. We had to wear skirts to school and other friends of mine wore nylons while I was made to wear leotards still. So I approached my parents. I sat them down and presented my case in a formal fashion. They told me they would take it under advisement. They came back with a compromise. I wore leotards because they didn’t get ruined as easy. We were poor.They would pay for one pair of nylons a week and if they got ruined I would wear leotards or find a way to but my own nylons. AGREED!! I won.

I learned very early if you present your situation well and are reasonable about what you want? You can make change!

So, coupled with that aggressive attitude I had naturally? Came the way I was brought up in church. Obedience. I sometimes still hum this sick song that goes:

Obedience is the very best way

To show that you believe!

Doing exactly what the Lord commands

Doing it naturally

O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E

Obedience is the very best way

To show that you believe!

 

Children in the old testament got stoned for disobedience. I was kinda terrified of disobeying. And when I did? My dad only had to glance at me with anger and I would break down. I wasn’t scared of punishment, I was sincerely upset with myself for disobeying. I’m way more of a rule obeyer than a rule breaker.

Okay, considering some things in my past that statement is up for debate. Ha ha!

I rebel in my own ways!

I married an immigrant to keep him in the country because I disagreed with the laws at the time. I moved into the heart of the forest to try and protect it from an oil pipeline and ended up arrested for it. I’ve protested a lot of controversial issues – like CFS stealing children. I thought my city’s Food Bank was failing people so I started another one. Just went door to door and asked people for food, then gave it to people who needed it. Some NDP politician called me a communist for doing that without government approval and I got shut down.

So, yeah, I rebel.

But I also face my consequences! I went through court about the forest stuff. I walked away with a fine and no criminal record. I stood up to that politician for 6 months before he shut me down with my food help. I faced every consequence of my high school rebellions. My immigrant ex husband and his wife now live in this country and why? Because even when I rebel it’s with a heart that can defend it. If I rebel? It’s because I believe in something enough to face the consequences!

I have fight in my spirit today. I haven’t felt that feeling in a long time. I need to use it in a more productive fashion than being in fight mode. So, here I am writing about feeling rebellious. And I have dance music on. I’m trying to chair dance while I type and dance some less fight into my soul.

What can I find today to gently rebel against?

Things About Shaunda

I tell so many smidges of info about me. Kind of a mish mash that makes it difficult for people who are really reading this crazy, lazy blog of mine to really understand me.

I like to be understood. So I’m giving some facts. Just some things about me I think provide a bit of insight on me. I encourage questions in the comment area. I will answer them all.

1. I’m a proud Scorpio. Born November 3, 1974. I like my age and can’t wait to be a crone! My entire life I have longed to be older.
2. I had the feeling I was a lesbian for many years. I had a  good friend come and introduce me to men. He is someone I cherish. I still consider myself a proud member of the LGBT community and open to relationships with anyone, but I primarily date men now.
3. I’ve been accused in the national media of taking a trapper hostage in his cabin at gunpoint. LMAO! That was just media BS. I’m no domestic terrorist. I went to court and walked away with a fine for camping too long. And an attitude that no one should believe CBC or Sun News Media.
4. I’ve enjoyed trying hard drugs. I’ve told my crack story in a previous post but that wasn’t the only hard one.  I loved meth for a bit and I should maybe talk about that. I have loved and given up many drugs. I currently drink wine and smoke weed. I have been free from hard drugs since I left Manitoba several years ago. I have NO desire to go back to that sort of lifestyle. It’s been offered and denied!
5. I used to have a webcam show. Sexy style. And I’ve been thinking of going back to that to add to my income. It was fun. I’m only 5 years older and just slightly fatter but…. I could still do it. There’s a market for everything!
6. My ex? He’s the only person in the world who knows ALL my truth. ALL of it. And he just went to jail to get our past out of our lives. I’m feeling so much love for that.  Who knows how long it will take him to deal with that, and anything else he chooses to deal with before returning. But really? He’s let me know he’s doing this, going through whatever needs to be done, so he can come back and create a regular life for us. He LOVES me. He’s my best friend. This is making me rethink things like couples counseling and possible reconciliation.
7. Many people close to me describe as childlike. Not childish. It’s a big difference. I have this thing where I sing everything I am doing as I do it. I try to curb that but I did it in front of Jeff today. He looked at me strange like, “Did you really just sing about putting your food in the fridge?” Yep, I sure did! My mom tells me I’ve done that since childhood. Sing-songing my way through everything.  I’m told my heart is made of marshmellows and that my genuine naivety about so many things give me a spirit of a five year old. My inner lil’ girl is still so alive! I’m learning to embrace her 🙂
8. I know I’ve mentioned it before but? I used to be 400 lbs. Really! Half a couch wide. Now I float between 160 and 180 and I am pretty proud I’ve kept the weight off for over ten years!
9. And lastly? I used to date a Nazi. People like to judge me for that or call me a racist. My ex that is in jail? Not white! I have friends in every circle and ethnicity of life! When I was in courtship with Canada’s Top National Socialist? He took extra steps to respect my life. He attended Gay Pride with me and had his picture taken dancing shirtless with the other men. Sure his swastika tattoo was showing but no one seemed to mind. He met my Christian parents, my Jewish and black friends and many others. He was always very open about his beliefs but so respectful and open to dialogue with anyone willing to have an interesting debate. I still don’t agree with his politics. But as far as Nazi’s go? He was pretty decent!

I think that is most of my secrets. I’m not sure why I feel like giving up all my secrets tonight. I just think I am done with hiding anything about myself. And I may regret sharing a lot of this after I hit ‘publish’.  But I still feel like I am getting a lot of things off my chest and mind by typing this all up.

 

I’m Gonna Join A Drawing Club

I draw. My pictures are lame and often look like they were drawn by a ten year old. But I draw.

There is a drawing club that meets at the pub I live behind. Not always, but they are thinking of making it a weekly event. Tonight? When I popped up to the pub to buy my bottle of wine? I was witness to the drawing club!

It was kind of comedic but fabulous at the same time. I was flabbergasted. It had been advertised as ‘Burlesque’ so I sorta expected corset style outfit with a feather boa and very sexy but covered.

Nope. It was slutty lingerie and spread eagle with lip showing. So hot! Believe me, the girl was gorgeous and I give her so much credit for posing that way in a biker bar with a bunch of drunk guys cat calling her.

The part that makes me laugh? It’s was all a group of 70+ women sitting there with their sketchpads. Staring at the girls everything and trying to get it in the most detail they could. And it struck me as so funny. Darkly funny. All these older ladies staring at that young things stuff.

And I don’t blame them. I think I’ll drop in to the next drawing night. My drawing may not be the greatest but the view sure is  😉