How Will You Die

Is it strange I have always been more concerned with how death will be for me than when?

I’ve spent a lot of time on suicidal ideations. That comes from being bi-polar. But there was always a thing in my spirit that made me refrain from that method. I don’t get to decide when.

So what about how?

Is it odd I feel relaxed about this recent news about my liver? Is is strange I am okay with this version of how? I am the poster child for anxiety issues but I am getting through this without severe panic attacks. I did my research. If the tests come back the way they expect I know it will be painful but also quick. I will be given meds to help with pain and help me get through it.

I feel very peaceful about even the worst possible outcomes from testing.

No one can predict a car wreck. Some people don’t want to treat certain other diseases. People die unexpectedly all the time.

There is a bit of comfort in the idea I might now know, finally, how I will die. I will have time to be ready, say goodbye and find out what happens after. Am I weird for morbid curiosity that is okay with finding out the next stage of existence?

The next couple weeks will be difficult going for tests and waiting on results. However? I will be glad to know the results.

Poop On A Stick

I have multiple health issues. Many are related to my digestion. Occasionally I am asked to give a stool sample. (No, not pics of the various footstools I’d like in my home)

This is something I have never actually done except once while hospitalized and they did it for me. I go and get all the other tests (blood, urine, x-rays, etc), but I have never been able to bring myself to poop on a stick.

UGH! Drape this cloth over your toilet seat, try to hold it in place while you take your morning constitutional, stick a stick in it BEFORE the poop hits the water and gets contaminated. Then? STORE IT IN YOUR FRIDGE until you can get to town with it!

Sorry, the phrase “Don’t shit where you eat!”? It takes on a new meaning. I can’t imagine keeping my poop in my fridge even if it is in a sterile receptacle. And maybe I am being unreasonably crazy, but I already know I am. My craziness is not a valid argument in this situation. I don’t poop on sticks. I don’t store shit in my fridge.

However, this needs to happen.

I talked about it with Paul. He tried to talk me through it but I couldn’t do it. So? When he gets home he is going to help me poop on a stick. As humiliating as that should be? We’ve laughed about it being our first Tuesday morning date.

A Tuesday because if we do it on a Tuesday morning I can just get on the bus and take it to town without storing it with my food. He’ll hold the cloth, do the collecting and just wrap it up and hide it in my purse for me until I get to the clinic to turn it in.

And that is love.

He’s going to help me with pooping on a stick because the thought of trying to do it myself makes me cry. While that makes me kind of pathetic, it makes him my hero. That he would help me with this and that I trust his love enough to let him? He IS my champion. He is my caregiver.

There is no one else who has ever offered to help me poop on a stick.

 

Ultrasounds

Over the course of my surgeries and disability issues I have been for so many tests. US’s, CT Scans, Barium Swallows (I’ve had 5).

I went for ultrasounds yesterday. I read the requisition so I knew  they were looking at my stomach. I regurgitate a LOT. The last time I had an US was in Winnipeg. It showed my small intestine was herniating into my stomach. My new doctor likely just wants to check in on that. The other part of the req? My lower belly. I have scar tissue. Lately it has been growing and painful, so my doctor put that on the requisition as well.

Two things.

I tried to calm myself about the whole procedure when it started to get long.

Why?

She took WAY MORE pictures than on my requisition. Stomach and lower abdominal were on the requisition. When she moved over to my spleen and asked about my gall bladder? I knew she was off the path of the requisition.

I re-focused by asking her about her job.

I asked her how she came to be a US Technologist. It takes years. She started out in X-Ray and general radiology but decided to specialize in Ultrasound. I asked if she loved that she got to tell people about their babies? NOPE! Worst part of her job and she tries to stray from obstetrics.

We talked and laughed about how she developed her career. She asked about mine, how I lost that part of my life and came to be on her ultrasound table that day.

Seems like a whole lotta talk for two scans, right?

Well…  as I suspected, and watched, as we chatted? She scanned it all. Liver, spleen, both kidneys. I saw the scan labels as they popped up with each picture. She was very thorough and I am very grateful.

Something I learned about Ultrasound, compared with other radiology specialties? US Tech’s have more ‘diagnosis’ involved. Other scans (X-rays, CTs, MRIs) show everything and most doctors can read/understand it in a general sense.

Ultrasound techs? They see things as they are taking pictures and take more pictures if they see something they question. They take it to the radiologist, who takes it to your doctor! But it’s the US Tech who catches it. Heroes!

I can’t say I’m not freaking out right now. She took so many more pictures than on the requisition because (from talking to her) she feels sense of being thorough about her job!

She saw something. I jumped with pain at one point. Her face softened, she took a bunch more scans than on the requisition, she became soothingly calm in her demeanor; a change from the first point of the exam. And she told me my doctor will be in touch right away.

My doctor will be in touch right away?

Okay. I have anxiety as one of my health issues. Kinda in full blown panic today. WTF did she see? She scanned all of everything she could.  I saw the pictures with their labels. She had that face of deep concern as her demeanor changed from ‘technologist’ to someone who cares and sees something wrong and sad.

And because I a prone to panic, also going through other issues (family deaths, etc) I am trying to calm myself by questioning my judgement about what I saw on her face.

But I didn’t see anything good on her face. And she took so many extra pictures. And she told me my doctor will be in touch right away. And I’m scared.

I’ve been dealing with my health issues, without doctor supervision, for several years. Now that I have a doctor again I am kind of scared about what this neglect has done. I’m going for my tests. I’m doing what I need to.

But it seems even ultrasounds scare me these day!